-this is a chapter containing conversations, thoughts and stuff I've said over the course of my life that I thought at the time was funny,mbut now I've just realised my mistake and yes I'm sorry, all in favour of deleting it please exist-

*to random silence* "What the hell am I going to do whilst waiting for my restraining order to pass?-"

*to my one and only real life friend* "It would be better to plan your funeral than your wedding. First, you can't guarantee marriage, much less the other person being fine with doing it your way, and your funeral is completely your own. Plus, it's definite, and you can make it as bad as you like because you're not going to be alive to see it."

*talking to my brother* "I'm talling. Oh, shit no wait- that isn't a word- damnit- I'm getting taller- actually they should make it a word, sounds nice. Talling. Hm."

*to empty silence* "I prefer looking at people without my glasses because you're all much nicer looking when you're blurry, plus I can pretend you're good looking."

"No."

*to my hallucination* 

Me: Hallucinations aren't actually that bad-

Hallucination: yes

Mother: who are you talking to

Me: the kitchen.

Mother: *strange look*

Me: inanimate objects get lonely too sometimes mother you should have learnt that by now

*to my fellow friend upon watching some first-years running about* "Jesus Christ- why are they all so small?- I could have sworn I wasn't that small when I was that age-"

*four hours later after reading a WattPad notification* "I am serious you just don't notice."

*to my cousin, recently born* "midget."

*forgotten* "Screw political correctness. You're fat. Get over it."

*to my friend* "Hejhoj? Hejhug? How the fuck do you spell that word, damnit you bloody English people- H E D G E H O G- bloody hell that's awful."

*four years old* *to overweight person* "Are you pregnant?"

*to my two year old cousin trying to wake me up* "Fuck off I'm trying to sleep here-"

 *come home from school* *slammed open door*"MOTHER DEAR-"

*to my mother* *seven years old* "How come we're not on first name terms yet?"

*to my two year old cousin*"It's an accent you stupid midget"

*to my friend* "You do realise this is my house right? Yes so let me win at Mario Kart"

*to teacher* "well sir he had it coming"

*to teacher at end of school year* "Seven years of school, only five letters in my name and you haven't got it right sir."

*I speak the absolute mininum with my family*

*talking to my parents*

Dad: cake

Me: ok

Brother: yes

Me: *sigh*

*20 minutes later*

Dad: tea?

Me: ok

*one hour later*

Me: cake

Dad: yum

*six hours later*

Mum: what did you get up to today then

Me: *shrug*

Dad: *shrug*

Brother: *shrug*

Person hiding in cupboard: *shrug*

*to empty silence* "Pancake yum"

*in my head* I wish I was funny in real life

*to random cat* "hello. Hello. You're a little bastard aren't you. Yes yes little bastard." *pat pat*

*to my mother*

Me: why did you marry dad

Mum: because I loved him

Me: why did you love him

Mum: ... *turns away* 

*with dad*

Dad: tea

Me: ok

*five minutes later*

Me: tea

Dad: yum

Me: ok

Dad: *sip* you got unavoidable hereditary condition by the way

Me: oh

Dad: sorry about your genes and your- what's it called

Me: my name

Dad: oh yeah, change it

Me: ok

Dad: nice tea

Me: thank you

*with brother*

Me: ay

Brother: bean

Me: yes

Brother: cake?

Me: no

Dad: *from next room* cake

Me: what kind?

Dad: meh

Me: ok

Mother: you shoul hang out with people your own age

Me: I do

Mother: when was the last time you met up with them again

Me: um

Mother: *hm*

Me: people my own age are boring 

Me: *walks into home* hoi

Brother: hoi

Me: cake?

Brother: ate

Me: oink

Brother: oink oink