Love is destructive.

M A N I K

"Manik Malhotra, you need to understand. All she is, is a simple girl, living a simple life, with a simple outlook towards her dreams and the world. You don't behave this way when all she's done is forget a promise, get that. You say she'd always choose you over everyone so atleast give her a chance to do that, don't judge her by a broken promise when she's already kept a thousand unsaid ones," Cabir tried persuading me as I put another ice cube in the glass of champagne.

I gave him a quiet half smile and continued drinking my third glass. It wasn't really as simple as he made it sound. Only if he understood that she not spending the evening with me or not keeping her promise wasn't just the case.

The glass was snatched away from me and before even I could flicker my eye lash to look at him, it reached the floor, breaking into a hundred little pieces across my dark house and he gritted with irritation. "It's Diwali tonight, stop drinking for fucks sake!" Cabir's voice was an headache tonight because nothing actually made sense.

"Cabir," I called in a calm voice as I got up from the side bar, crossing the glass pieces and sat on the other side of the room, picking up a pack of cigarette and lighting one between my lips. Taking one huff, I decided upon continuing what I was about to say, not testing his patience more.

"It's not about her not coming tonight or about her being with Aryamman. It's not really as simple as you think it is. I am not angry or hurt or any thing even near to jealous, as you're assuming. Appearances are deceptive, and silence isn't just of being angry. Silence is a roaring storm within one, and it cannot just be justified with one emotion like anger or jealousy," I tried putting it in the best words as my shoes crushed the used cigar underneath it on the polished flooring of my house, creating a flaw there, just like my heart was made up of a billion such small flaws, too little to be noticed individually but when they're seen together, they're too many to be ever patched again.

"Care to explain?" His voice was hoarse.

"Some years back, such a same Diwali night, I saw my father dying. Such a Diwali night, a year after that, Mukti went missing. The fear that had erupted in my heart at the only thought of losing Mukti a few years back was stronger than the pain of ten bones broken together. It was... engulfing, the panic that ceased me when I wasn't being able to find Mukti, when I feared that she would be killed for a mistake that was mine." I stared at the fire burning in the corner of the room which would be dimmer as the one in my heart a few years back.

"Ever since that day, I cut out every person off my life. Or actually, no one bothered to stay. I have never felt an emotion so strong after that day because I had no one to care about, or no one to lose. But today, today was like having to re experience that day. The fear that rose like a hurricane in my heart when Nandini didn't reach here, and when no one knew where she was, was terrifying. I thought I lost her to Nyonika like I lost dad and like I was about to lose Mukti. After so many years, I felt that fear again," it was hard putting into words, the feeling that had rose in me upon not finding her.

"And the relief when I saw her with Aryamman, alive, was much more than the anger or anything even close to being hurt for her not keeping her promises. I was so happy for the first time in the past decade upon seeing a person alive. And that's when I realised what mistake I have done, Cabir. Her world has been very different from mine, she isn't meant to be dragged in the dark games. I have committed a sin by exposing her to Nyonika, by exposing the fact that there's someone in this whole wide world whom I actually care about.", I sighed.

It's always been difficult for me to put such words out, but today it seemed unstoppable. "And in that instant, I realised she wasn't meant to be with me. I can't expose her to people who'd be waiting for every opportunity to thresh her away, to kill her or to do anything to her that would affect me. And Nyonika is just the first person in the list, there are so many enemies out there, I have broken many castles with my power, Cabir. It's better for me to stay away from her," I adorned, realising how weak I sounded. I didn't remember caring so much about anyone in the past many years and this was just so different.

"You know, I had once told you. She's innocent. And I would let no one destroy her, even if that means myself. And my mere presence in her life screams danger and destruction to her, which I wouldn't let happen. And what happened today this seems just like a perfect excuse to give her, to cut her out from my life completely.," I completed and found Cabir staring at me with a face so calm that I wondered what was going on in his mind.

"You were right, Cabir. How long can a rainbow survive in this dark valley of mine?" I laughed bringing him out of his trance and he skidded his eyes at me, with an expression I couldn't read.

"That's not what I meant, you know," he justified.

"But that's what's the truth of my life, isn't it?" My own voice pained my heart tonight. No love. No feelings. No emotions. No fear. No agony. No light. No Nandini.

❤︎

I walked around the empty beach, the waters thrashing across the shore, which otherwise was a pleasant sound, irritated me today. This was the same beach where a few months ago, we—.. I and princess, sat under the stars, talking our hearts out about chaos and love and stars and everything that one couldn't think of. That was the first time I saw her face glow under the light of a thousand stars, her eyes glitter despite of what I had pulled her through and I realised that she wasn't going to leave. She was going to stay.

But today, I'm going to push her away myself. And my reason would be too strong for her denial. There was a sting in my heart because after tonight, I would never see her in the same way, protect her in the same way, or be able to be around her again. I would hide under the pretence of being a cold monster to her too just like the other world and although it would hurt her, it would protect her. Me being away would protect her, would keep her alive and nothing else would matter, not even the fact that it could break her more than I could imagine in my wildest dreams.

I was going to push her away in a way that she never dared to return. She wasn't the only thing in my life that mattered, but she was one of those. I think I counted her as a star in my dark life, and I'd push away the only rays of light then. And ironically enough, there were no stars in the sky tonight, just pure darkness which was all ready to engulf me again.

"Manik?" There was a mere whisper behind me, the one voice I was craving to hear and dreading to hear and both at the same time.

"Aah princess!" I pulled up a smirk as I turned to greet her. She was still in the clothes of the evening, her white kurta now wet and sandy from the beach and her face tried to read my unbreakable emotions that just stared at her with a smug face, with a smirk as if nothing ever happened.

Deep inside, I knew she was hurting too, more than me, more than I could imagine.

"Manik—.... I am so—.. sorry," her voice faded away in betweens and she barely whispered as she took a step towards me. Her face and her eyes were tearing apart and I knew she would cry, she could cry but she put her everything in holding her together. Don't cry, princess. Not for me atleast. I don't even deserve a single tear of hers.

"Why're you sorry, Nandini?" I asked trying to be surprised and she looked everywhere before her eyes caught mine and then she couldn't look away. I'd never understand why she loved my eyes so much because I'd never understand love, I suppose. Love wasn't meant for me. Even if I tried, it wasn't.

"Please don't call me Nandini, I'm your princess!" She tried smiling a bit, and I gave her a mock laugh.

"Princess, really Nandini? You bought that princess shit? As much as I remembered, you hated me calling you this, then what happened? Oh wait—.... let me guess... Aryamman happened...," I laughed and she pursed her lips together.

"Manik, it's not how're you thinking. It's nothing like that, please listen to me once. Please-...," she begged. I wish I could, princess.

"Ah ah. It's not Manik, it's Sir for you. Do I need to remind you that you're just a clerk for me? Are you forgetting your limits pr— Nandini," every word I spoke was hurting her and she took no efforts in hiding it. A slow year slipped down from her eye and I looked away, turning my back to her.

"Don't do this Manik, please. When you had finally let me into your world, don't throw me out so cruelly, I think I deserve more than this, please Manik—...," she hiccupped and I mentally laughed at the irony of her words. You do deserve more than this, princess. You deserve more than me. You deserve an entire world without me, you deserve all the happiness and love that my world will never promise you.

"Oh you do, Nandini," I lied coldly and she sobbed. I've never seen her breaking away, no matter what and if she does it for me, I couldn't even begin to imagine the strength of her emotions towards me.

"You deserve what every girl in my life deserves. One night with me and then out of my life. I should have never let you stayed. This is all you always wanted right? Aryamman's sympathy and love? You have it all to yourself, Murthy. There's no space in my life anyone for you," I spoke slowly and clearly and she sniffed more, as her hand slowly held my arms from behind and she rested her head on my back, hugging me from behind.

"Don't do this Manik. I don't want Aryamman. I don't need anything. I need nothing but you Manik, please don't do this to me," she sobbed a little louder, crying against my back and I closed my eyes, listening to her heart beating behind mine, every beat crying for me.

"You need to leave, princess. Go," I ordered and I could feel her nod negatively.

"I don't want to go, Manik. I just want to stay with you, please tell me why're you doing this. I'm sorry, I promise I would never talk to Aryamman if that's what you think but please don't—.....," her voice broke away again as the sobs turned into her cries and I think I would never be able to remove the sound of her cry from my head.

"I'm doing this because I am a monster. And I don't need you anymore. I have what I need, and that doesn't include you," I lied conveniently and she hicupped. Please don't cry for me, I'm not worth it, princess.

"I love you Manik," she whispered hugging me even tighter from behind and I closed my eyes, listening to the words I didn't want to. "I don't know why, I don't know how, but I am irrevocably and unconditionally in love with you," she cried harder.

Every word she spoke was no less than a dagger in my heart and I turned behind, pulling myself away from her embrace. Unwantedly, there was that sting in my heart again looking at her beautiful face being so dry and pale and vulnerable, tears covering her cheeks as I pulled my thumb to hold her, wiping her cheek, leaning close to her. She closed her eyes, holding my vest, holding my face with her little hand and kissed me.

She kissed me until I could realise with all my senses that there was a girl, or probably the only girl in the world that would love me as much as she does and as the irony of my life goes, I'd never have the people I want. I'd never have her even though I want her, I need her.

She broke away lightly, another tear trail flowing off. "I love you, Manik," she cried.

"And I don't," I whispered, as she stared into the sand and crying and I closed my eyes tighter than ever, wanting to drown away in the ocean.

"But hey—... let me promise you something," I whispered holding her face upright and she looked into my eyes finding an emotion called love that doesn't exist at all.

"Let me promise you that, if ever, ever I get a chance to fall in love, it would be you. I'd want to have my heart broken by no one but you because you'd be the only girl I'd ever want to give my heart to. Maybe not this life, maybe in some other life, in some other world, a complete parallel universe, you and I would be meant to be together. But not here, Nandini. The day I'd be capable of loving someone, it would be you. Just you." I pressed a brief kiss on her crown and she cried louder, pressing her hand against her mouth to stop the sobs.

I'm sorry, Nandini. Forgive me if you can.

"Don't leave me Manik," her voice was hoarse as I turned to leave, and she fell into the sand ground, her eyes still stuck at my figure walking away from her.

"I have to, Nandini. I have to," I whispered walking away. Neither did I have the power to look her one last time nor did she have the power to stop me.

Maybe the worst feeling in the world is wanting someone to stay, when letting go is the only option. Goodbye, princess. I hope that's where our chapter closes.

Maybe another world exists. Maybe we'd meet there, and our life would be a little less darker, and I'll be right for you and you'd be right for me; because right now, you are chaos to my mind and I am poison to your heart.

The End.

Just kidding, guys ;))

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No joothas and chappals allowed. No bashing's allowed.

Hope you all liked it. And yes, this ain't the end ;))

I love you all. Do comment guys, your comments bring a smile on my face which is unexplainable.

Thank you.

x