*unedited*

~if it doesn't hurt, then it's not love~

Z U B I N

Running frantically through the dark walls of her old house, I sighed wiping off the sweat from my forehead. I'm not sure what I was exactly doing, but as much as I could figure out myself, I was trying to not cry as the first lone tear finally slipped off my left eyes and I wiped it quickly, swallowing the unknown fear in my throat.

I never had the habit of holding on to anything. Ever since childhood, when my grandparents left me and went away, I never said no. Then my parents left one by one, and I still didn't say no. And then Malhotra Uncle left, but I still didn't complain. But Mukti entered, filling in the spaces of my life that I didn't know were empty. And then Mukti left, shattering my entire world. But now that Nandini is also leaving, I wouldn't keep quiet. I'm not going to let the only person left in my life leave me too.

It has been more than twelve fucking hours since I saw her, since she left my house, leaving me alone. I thought she'd come back, I waited for her at the dining table for so many hours until I realised she wasn't coming back. She was walking away too, like everyone else.

She wasn't anywhere, and my last hope died as I didn't even find her in her old house, which had been deserted since the past few months. When I saw the lock of the gates opened, there was a hope lit in my heart that I had finally found my girl, and I silently promised I wouldn't ever disappoint her again, but my own hope turned into disappointment.

My bestfriend is naive, she believes everything that anyone tells her (I'm not pointing at Manik) and keeps over thinking about them. I have no idea what Manik has fed her when they met last night,but she believes I am a liar too. Yes, I was lying. I was lying about the newspaper. I and Aryamman hid the newspaper so that she doesn't get to know about the news with Manik, she's already so disturbed... I didn't want her to be more upset.

I did see her sneaking out from the house last night, and that did make me feel hurt; and today, when I saw the newspaper, it confirmed my doubts. Ofcourse I was hurt too. Didn't my own best friend trust me enough? Girls think that guys are strong, they don't cry, they can take everything that comes their way. But behind every strong guy is his own insecurities, his own fears. And my only fear was that my only family left with me- Nandini Murthy, will also choose Manik over me.

Lost in my thoughts, just as I turned back to leave, I banged into something-.... someone, long hair flowing down, partial face being lit in the moonlight, a familiar pair of brown orbs meeting mine which made my heart beat faster. I would have believed I was dreaming, or maybe this was a nightmare, but I knew this wasn't a dream the moment my eyes locked with hers and the blood that had frozen in my heart years ago came rushing back to me.

"Mukti?," I think I just whispered.

N A N D I N I

I remember having a hitting pain in my head, and the darkness due to my closed eyes haunted me for long before I felt some movement around me. I felt numb with all the pain but even with a sleeping body, my mind felt conscious, yet weak to open my eyes.

And I think maybe I didn't want to open my eyes, though I was compelled to. I couldn't see anything for the next minute, before everything appearing blurry and my head spinned again. The dark walls around me were not familiar to me, and my weakly working mind couldn't make out where I was lying.

Was I dead? Was I in heaven? And even if I was, I had no regrets. I'd meet dad, I'd meet mom, I'd meet Mukti, and I'd have a happily ever after with my family, away from the games, the cruel world and everyone else.

But much to my sorrow, I wasn't dead. I could hear people talk around me, and a lot of voices- heavy voices, shouting. Was I at some mental hospital?

"Stop fucking acting like you own her," someone shouted, and I immediately closed my voice, hearing the voice I thought I would never hear again, some hot and cold blood rushing into my heart, making me feel alive again. Manik Malhotra.

"I don't own her, Malhotra. But neither do you. She's atleast safe here, until Zubin comes. I'm not going to let an unconscious girl with you alone Malhotra, you might as well rape her," Aryamman gritted and they both sounded visibley angry, arguing outside the closed door. I think I felt my heart in my mouth with the word rape, he wasn't really that bad and the world needs to understand. I could make out that I was at Aryamman's house.

"Seriously? And why'd I do that? I don't have any shortage of girls on bed that I'd have sex with a girl without her consent," Manik laughed and I felt some sudden pain in my heart.

"If you can kill a living girl Malhotra, then you can as well rape an unconscious one. Why'd you think I'd let you take her away without het consent or Zubin's for the time being? I don't trust you, get that straight," Aryamman's voice fell to a dangerously low level, and although I thought Manik would get angry, i could her his faint laughing in sarcasm.

"Trust? You rather not talk about trust, step brother. You cannot trust anyone, except your-.. I mean my mother, so rather stay in your world of trust and love with her, do not interfere into mine," I could see Manik's shadow grip Aryamman's collar and I gasped, trying to move but I was too weak, and I hissed by the shiver that passed down my spine.

"Yes, she is my mother, don't even try calling her yours. You were never her son Manik, you were just a black stain on the name of a son, get that," Aryamman shouted back and I closed my eyes, my heart bled for the man standing outside, a few feet away, having to listen all this.

"And since when did Nandini become a part of your world, hmm? As much as I remember, you do not have any space for anyone in your dark and cruel life, isn't it? Or atleast that's what you told us the time when there were rumours of you dating Aliya..," Aryamman's words caught my heart and I could hear it beat. Was I a part of Manik's life now?

"I'm sure that doesn't matter to you. But what I see matters to you is... Aliya and me. Look, look at that frown on your face. I'm sure you mustn't have liked the thought of Aliya in my bed, moaning my name all night, and me fucking her hard-.....," I squeezed my eyes close tight as Manik's voice faded when I heard him being punched hard.

With tear gazed eyes, I stared outside the tall glass windows that overlooked the city lights, at the night sky and a litted city in front of me. In between all my problems, I had forgotten it was Diwali approaching, and it was tomorrow. Every house was glowing and people were rejoicing with celebrations, unlike me, who was captured in a dark house with pain in every cell of the body, having to witness two brothers fighting like wild beasts.

I wanted to be out in the cold air, I wanted to stare at the stars, gaze the city lights, smile carefree and celebrate my favourite festival like I did every year with my father and his close friends. I wanted to dance to stupid songs, see the missed movies, drink alone and shop endlessly, do the every thing that made me the old me because this sad girl was not what I was. Despite the odds, I've always been a happy and satisfied girl. And I didn't like the new version of me.

And just as I let my eyes closed, certain foot steps made them open again as I slightly tilted my face to the side. "Hey, how are you awake so soon? Are you doing fine?" A man in his Middle Ages asked me, and his white coat told me he was a doctor. I nodded slightly, and my attention was diverted to a shout outside, again.

"Come on Khurrana, I can fuck her a hundred times, and you still don't have any chance on Aliya. So why don't you keep away from my business when you know you clearly have no stand here?", it was Manik.

"Then go to Aliya and do whatever the fuck you want with her. Why are you here with your ugly ass face that I clearly do not want to see?"

"I would have go to her, you know. Just that Nandini is more important at this moment," Manik smirked back and I closed my eyes relaxing at behind. Was I really important to him?

"Oh, and why is she so important to you?"

"She's more important because she's at your house. And you know, I don't like anything that is supposed to be with me, to be with you, let that be business deals, your Aliya, or my princess," I didn't need to see his face cause I could already imagine his smirk, coated with devil intentions.

"Don't worry about this, they both love you a lot. It's just that they don't love each other, and their way of showing love to you is a little different. Aryamman knows how to vocalise and show what he feels while Manik doesn't, and he often chooses the wrong path while showing his hard side. I know both of them since childhood and their hatred when they parted ways. Ever since that day, I have never seen them both under one roof for the same cause, and you managed to do that. They even picked me from home yesterday and hostaged me here for two days until you don't wake up. It's been more than 40 hours straight that you're unconscious, and they haven't even slept a bit since then. They care, but they've both been deprived from love and care for so long, that they don't know how to show it to others," he smiled patting my head and left, leaving me in a puddle of my own thoughts.

I blankly stared at the dark roof over head before closing my eyes. I was probably at a point where there was so much around me, that I had no idea what to do and what not to, whom to trust and whom not to. I just kept feeling lost, so lost that I didn't realised it was Diwali the next day, my own favourite festival.

I felt a thumb on my forehead which made me snap my eyes open and I saw a gently smiling Manik Malhotra sitting next to me. Seeing him, I immediately tried getting up but he held me back by my shoulders, asking me to sleep. His eyes looked red when they locked with me, he opened his mouth to say something but closed it back, and his thumb caressed my forehead, tucking the lose hair strands behind my ear.

He made me like silence. It makes me want to see into his eyes and search for words that he has never spoken to anyone or he never would, look for another secret that would possess the power to keep breaking me or maybe anything that would be enough to drown my mind in his thoughts. He makes even silence look beautiful, and broken look like an art. He makes the worst things a little better, he makes me feel a little more me, and my heart feel a little more alive.

"You're okay?" His voice was hard, but he just whispered. I tried managing a smile and nodding in positive. "So you won?" I asked and he squeezed his eyebrows together, "...the fight you two were having," I specified and he nodded with the smirk returning back.

"I did. I always win. I like winning," he raised his eyebrows and I smiled, mostly mockingly.

"So how was fucking Aliya?" I tried to stop myself from asking this question and revealing my vulnerable side but I couldn't. My voice was breaking down and I could feel something in my throat, and I used all the energy I have in me to stop the tears as I drank them away again.

He made a bored face, shrugging it away. "I didn't fuck Aliya, of course I didn't. I just said that to piss him," he winked and I let out a small giggle which sounded more like a sigh.

"Why're you here?", I asked again.

"Why're you asking so many questions? You're never so interrogative, are you high on sedatives?," he squeezed his eyebrows and I nodded negatively, looking away again.

"It's Diwali tomorrow, that's always been my favourite festival. I love the smell of diyas, the sight of lighted house, everything. I miss behind happy," I whispered in a matter of fact staring outside the windows and I heard him sigh.

"I don't like Diwali's," he stared outside as well and my eyes turned to him, raising my eyebrows. I was too tired to talk a lot, but my mind processed thoughts like a racing horse. "It's just another occasion for the bad to roam around pretending to be good, masked as saints when all they have is a black heart, people like me- we throw around big and lavish parties in the city for celebs, and there are small children on the road that die suffocating with the smoke, old ones who keep begging. Hate is a strong word to use, I dislike it to be precise. I don't believe in behind fake"

"You care about the world around you so much without you even realising that, sir," I looked back outside. "I don't care about anyone. I just don't like being fake. I believe what I do, I am what I show. No inbetweens", he argued.

I smiled weakly looking away. "You're okay na?" He asked and I nodded again, "I am". Both his hands slowly held my left hand in his, and that's when I realised the amount of white tapes, bandages and scars left everywhere. My hand hurt slightly but his thumb caressed it, making me feel better, some butterflies.

"You look so tired, sleep for a while," he whispered and I nodded negatively.

"I am tired, but not physically, I'm tired mentally. I'm tired of thinking so many things at once, fighting with everyone. I fought with Zubin, and I could see it in his eyes how miserably it broke him. He has just me after Mukti like I just had him, and I left him while all he was doing was protect me. I'm so tired in the cycle of being destroyed and protected that I just want to escape from all of this at once. I just want to die-.....," my words were stopped by his fingers on my lips, which sent a strong shiver down my spine.

"You will not die until I'm there with you, I'm not letting any harm get your way. I have already lost a lot of innocent people in my life, you're not next for sure. I promise to be by your side until you allow me to, I promise to protect you until I can, I promise. But will you be trusting me over everyone else?" He whispered, his thumb caressed my cheeks as they held my face, and my body shivered feeling him so close to me.

"I promise," I think I barely whispered, my breath tightened as I felt his second hand reach my face as well and he smiled slightly, making it genuine and I smiled back as well, our lips almost brushing together.

"I lo-....," my voice faded away when I felt his lips on mine, and the world around me stopped.

This might be common for him, but it wasn't for me. Only if he knew the amount of butterflies in my stomach, the shiver down my spine, the tingling sensations everywhere that he makes me feel. If being so madly and irrevocably crazy for someone was known as love, then I was in love with him and I'd continue to be in love with him, forever and humesha.

~don't find love, let love find you~

~•~