Kuroo stares blankly at the dining room wall of his old home, not fully registering how impossible it all is. Without having to look in a mirror Kuroo already knows he's 14, two hushed voices speak in a separate room, his mother and a messenger bringing news of his father. He sits on the ground clenching and unclenching his fists in his lap in front of a simple dark wood table, his father left for war again. Kuroo wants to be angry, his dad left them again while his mother is pregnant, but he knows it's not like his father could've easily refused, family honor and what not.

Kuroo scowls down as his hands, but all thoughts are cast aside when he hears his mother enter the room, long black hair that frames her pale face and falls over her back and green eyes that Kuroo envy's, he never liked that he had his father's eyes. Her hands gently rest on her large stomach, she's due any day now, but her eyes are on him, the air around her always radiated elegance, and even now as she was about to tell Kuroo how has father was going to be gone for quite some time her lips held a playful smile, determined to turn any situation light hearted, no matter how sad it truly was.

However, the words never came, and the expression on his mother's face twisted into one of hate and malice, her smile contorts into a wretched glowering look, "it's your fault."

Anxiety swells in Kuroo's throat, unfurling it's tendrils and wrapping around every part of his being within, threatening to suffocate him. Kuroo wrenches his mouth open to speak even though he feels as if he's going to puke, "w-what?" He croaks, throat suddenly like sandpaper.

His eyes flicker down and he realizes he's 19 again, he looks back up at his mother and she's covered in soot and ash, even now the embers of fire burn at the tips of her hair and fingers.

Accusing shadows flicker at the corners of his eyes and Kuroo starts panicking, in the blink of an eye his mother is gone and he's now outside on a dark night illuminated by orange flickering light; this is wrong. Kuroo sees the crackling flames licking hungrily at the wood of his own home, the feeling of deja vu painfully slams into his skull and he wants to sink to his knees, not again. He can't do this he's not strong enough to live through this moment but he moves forward against his own volition, as if it's not really him moving his body any more and he's merely trapped within, watching helplessly.

What about his little sister? Kuroo remembers her and feels disgusting, it doesn't matter the outcome, how dare he falter, how dare he not risk his very life to save her. "All your fault," whispers a voice deep within Kuroo's mind; Kuroo loathes himself so much in the moment, that he agrees.

Kuroo's rushes into his burning home and the thick acrid smell of smoke almost knocks out the little about of air left in his wheezing lungs. He's nearly blinded by the toxic smuir of black curling smoke rushing past him and pouring outside in billowing waves, but he pushes forward, through watering eyes he can see that his mother's room has been completely consumed in the inferno, it's impossible for anyone in there is alive, but he can swear he sees a human outline, someone standing there unmoving, allowing the raging infernos to consume them.

Kuroo lunges forward, a hand reaching out to her— his mother covered head to toe in soot, her green eyes piercing through him, "it's all your fault!" She screeches, the orange flames licking at her skin and Kuroo stumbles back, falling to the ground and choking on his own tongue. The guilt that taunts him is all encompassing, threatening to pull Kuroo into the ground, but he bites his tongue so hard it draws out the taste of metal but Kuroo pushes himself up to his calloused feet forcing himself to look away from his mother's room, though he can still feel her scrutinizing gaze on his back as he runs, heart beating against his chest with such strength it feels like his chest is bruising. His lungs sting and his eyes are burning as his breathing stutters and leaves him wheezing as the putrid smoke circles through his lungs with pain in his chest, but he still runs, foolishly hoping that he can save his sister

'She's so young... please,' deja vu leaves his ears ringing as soon as he thinks the words. The black smoke blinds Kuroo and he crashes right into something, spitting blood as his head pulses with pain; an after effect from hitting the floor. Still sprawled out on the ground a face hovers over him, blurry at first but it comes into focus quickly; it's himself.

It's himself but there is something so utterly wrong and a primal fear stirs deep within Kuroo, it's himself but the eyes are all wrong, no iris and no cornea, nothing at all, just two eyes void of any light or color and black emptiness that has no end. "It's like looking right into a mirror, isn't it?" Kuroo's own voice sounds from his double, a sardonic grin on his lips, "sorry," the double feints an apologetic tone, "but I'm not gonna be moving out of the way."

Kuroo's nails digging into the floor as he heaves himself into a sitting position, he's never felt more uncomfortable in his own skin as he does now, peering up at his lookalike, Kuroo swallows hot air, barely even registering his cotton mouth as he croaks out his next words, "I-I have to get past, I have to—"

"You have to what?" Snaps his double, the ferocity in his voice frightening, "you have to save your poor little sister?" He snarls, "the one terrified and crying in the room just behind me?" the heartless copy of Kuroo chuckles, "buddy that ship has sailed; you're too late, about 300 fucking years too late."

Kuroo's blood runs cold, it hurts to speak but that's the least of his worries, "wh-what? No that's not right please just let me get past, I-I have to get through—" Kuroo's interrupted by his lookalike once more.

"Don't you get it? You dumb piece of shit she's dead and it's your fault!" He yells now, the fires all around consuming the house grow impossibly taller.

"N-no that can't be, I—" the raging heat of the inferno all around him doesn't bother him in the slightest right now, what's truly scaring Kuroo is the despair threatening to swallow him whole, and his copy can see it on his face, lips shifting into a blood curdling grin made all the more terrifying by the inky blackness that obscures the double's eyes.

"Honestly, how selfish can you be?" Taunts the copy, towering over Kuroo's place on the ground, "what's one dead little girl when you killed thousands of people— human and not— over the decades?"

Kuroo wants to run away, to cover his ears and pretend like the monster in front of him isn't there, but he feels paralyzed, unable to say or do anything, all he can do is sit with wide eyes gazing up at his lookalike and force himself to keep his head above the invisible turbulent oceans of guilt that threaten to drown him. "You feel remorseful now, but you enjoyed every second of it. Every person you skinned alive and tortured, you did it all with a grin on your face. Go— run and hide from the unfeeling monster you see in front of you, I dare you to try. You know you can't though, because I'm just waiting for you to realize that I never left you, I'm still right here." The demon shoves an accusing finger against Kuroo's chest.

<h/r>

Kuroo awakens with a gasp for air, as if his lungs had been horribly deprived of fresh oxygen. Kuroo's doused in sweat and as the last of his sleepy daze leaves him he can almost hear the sound of hissing and crackling flames disappearing into the cool late night air. Not thinking, Kuroo tosses the blanket off his overheated body and pulls his now uncomfortably sweaty and wet night shirt off his back. "Kuroo?" He tenses at hearing his name be whispered, fearing that this is just another sick part of his dream— though the dream is already beginning to fade from his memory by a bit— before realizing the voice came from besides him, it's Kenma. Kuroo looks down at Kenma, inwardly scolding himself for being so careless as to wake him up. "W-what are you doing?" Kenma stutters as his eyes glance down at Kuroo's bare torso, gleaming with sweat in the dim moonlight filtering through the window and Kuroo promptly feels his cheeks flush in embarrassment, and though it's hard to tell since Kenma's pale face is bathed in shadows, Kuroo swears he can barely see pink dusting Kenma's cheeks.

"I-I was just—" Kuroo finds it rather daunting to explain himself for some unknown reason, "I-I woke up and it was really hot, so I took off my shirt. I forgot that you were here too I'll put it back on," Kuroo fumbles through his words as his hands blindly grope the sheets in search of his shirt but Kenna interrupts.

"N-no you don't have to do that," Kuroo freezes, "w-well you said you were hot, right?" Kuroo nods mutely, "I don't want to make you have to fall asleep all sweaty and gross, so it's fine." Kuroo blinks a few times before nodding dubiously, not trusting himself to speak.

They sit in awkward silence, neither willing to go back to bed but neither sure what to say, "I was having a dream before I woke up," blurts out Kuroo, regretting the words as soon as they leave his mouth.

"Oh? What were you dreaming about?" Asks Kenma, dubiously following along into the new topic.

Kuroo flops onto his back, "nothing."

Kenma doesn't buy it at all, and for good reason. The growing lump in Kuroo's throat does nothing to help him try to shove away thoughts of his dream into the dark corner of his mind. It's all so fuzzy yet perfectly clear at the same time, the burning embers and the malice in the voice that spoke to him of the chaotic being he once was; it made Kuroo feel sick.

Kenma places a docile hand on Kuroo's white knuckled fist and immediately Kuroo stops clenching his fist, suddenly aware of his behavior, and for a moment, he almost looks panicked, like Kenma shouldn't be seeing him in such a state. "Kuroo," he mutters, "what's wrong? do you want to talk about it?" Kenma asks, knowing that such matters can be quite prickly and sometimes it's best to not to persist, no matter how much he might want to. But, at the very least, he has to try, after everything Kuroo's done for him he must at least try to help Kuroo like he's helped Kenma, he owes Kuroo that much. So when Kuroo lays there looking up at Kenma debating with himself so hard it looks like he's in pain Kenma just sits there patiently.

"I... I've done so many terrible things. I've hurt people— a lot of people. Too many people. I was so horrible, I... I was a monster," Kuroo's thoughts begin snowballing faster than his mouth can keep up with, "but then things changed and I found you and I could feel this horrible sense of disgust in the pit of my stomach and I realized that it was directed towards myself. I was a demon, Kenma. I killed because it was fun, I destroyed entire families and ruined lives on a daily basis— I—" Kuroo chokes up and forces himself to stop speaking. In the illumination of the moonlight Kuroo's eyes that shimmer with so many emotions almost look green.

"I know," is all Kenma says, and Kuroo's eyes go wide.

"W-what?"

"I know, Tetsu." Says Kenma again, his voice soft, "I figured it out not long after you arrived. I may have never seen a demon familiar's anima before, but I knew there was something dark and twisted tainting you— and as foolish as this sounds, I don't care."

Kuroo's speechless, the lump in his throat now there for an entirely different reason. How could someone as amazing and wonderful as Kenma be able to look past all that and still see good in him when Kuroo couldn't even do the same for himself? It simply didn't make sense. Kuroo's calloused fingers grip the sheets beneath his palms and he tries and fails to push back his emotions, so many emotions.

In the silence of the night, Kenma swears Kuroo can hear his heartbeat. He chews on his lip, eyes flickering in a random direction as he quickly thinks over something before looking back up at Kuroo. Kenma lifts himself up from where he sits and scoots over to Kuroo's right side and wraps a thin arm around Kuroo, leaning against Kuroo's side Kenma's voice is just barely above a whisper, "it's okay to cry if you want."

Looking back on it, Kuroo wishes he'd leaned into Kenma's warm touch more. He honestly wishes that moment of their two bodies being connected through warm comforting touches would've lasted forever; though nothing can last forever, in that moment amidst the darkness of night, the air still, crickets chirping outside, the sound of their breaths, and the smell of lavender and cinnamon tea... it almost did feel like forever.

Kenma's grip tightens a little and Kuroo sees the shorter male giving him an almost pained look— why? Then Kuroo realizes it's because of the scalding tear Kuroo didn't even realize had escaped, he panics and moves away, it's too soon and his heart aches at the loss of contact, "I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't be—" Kenma stops him.

"it's okay Kuroo. I know you don't believe me but it's okay." Kenma's hand reaches out but then drops back down, like he was going to wipe Kuroo's tear but lost courage.

"I just can't, Kenma. I can't look at myself and feel like i deserve this, any of this— let alone you." Kuroo looks down at Kenma with eyes so terribly sorrowful and worn out it looked like Kuroo's 293 years of living all caught up to him in that moment, and hell, maybe it had.

Kenma's pulse stuttered, "then... then until you can I'll believe it enough for the both of us." There were more words on the top of Kenma's tongue, so close, desperate to be heard, but he didn't say them. "You can't be so hard on yourself, dork." Kenma gives Kuroo a small smile, hoping the term of endearment will help, and it does, as Kuroo returns it with a small smile of his own.

"You're going to be exhausted tomorrow." Warns Kuroo.

"Like you're not?"

"Fair enough." It not gone, but the pain has been dulled for now, pushed away to the back of his mind again; it'll return, but Kuroo can't let himself think about that, not when Kenma's hug is so warm.
.•°.•°.•°.•°.•°
This was finished around christmas but I completely forgot to post it here i'm so sorry (which is exactly why you should check out GayMars on Archive of Our Own and my Tumblr, neptune-bug, bc I always post there first!!) ~ ♒️