So at my University, there's a going belief; "If Thou wants a passing grade, thou shalt not maketh a group with Hostel Boys,".

80% of the time, whenever there are girls in a group, the guys just sit back, and let us do all the work. I'm not being sexist. I'm being real.

But worse than a loafing Day Scholar, is your average Hostel Boy. These dudes are from out of town, living on the campus Hostel facilities. They are notoriously famous for partying, and loafing all semester. Which means that they typically don't have energy left over for minor hiccups, like GROUP TERM projects worth 20-25% of the entire grade.

During group formation, they spread out like worker bees, freshly released from a hive, trying to seduce/hoodwink/hypnotize/con the diligent people into making a group with them.

Usually the entire hostel population is one big block of "Brotherhood" and "Wolf-Packs", and "Unity". But as soon as they hear the words "Please form your group by next week..." it's like hearing the 'Soor' at Qiyamat (Apocalypse/End-Of-The-World) where every hostelite is left fending for himself.

Interestingly, they're terrified of accidentally making a group with other Hostel Boys...because that would mean a straight-up F.

So a couple of semesters ago, I have no idea what they drugged me with, but I ended up making a group with not one, but TWO hostelites!

.....

I need a moment to recoup... I just remembered all the horrors I went through...

.....

Thankfully, I had two of my best girls in the group to balance it all out, otherwise I'd be writing this from a death-row jail cell, charged with the homicides of two Non-Karachiites. (Or maybe not. I'd have made it look like an accident :) :) :) ) 

They were both hilarious guys. Really fun to be around, and I'm still friends with them, but by God, at many points during this project, I wanted to kill myself. 

Or them.

Mostly them.

This subject had one of those crazy old professors; the unpredictable ones. She often turned up intoxicated in class (highly entertaining to see her struggling to recall names, and chapter contents, while she had a *ahem* Buzz going...) Sometimes she'd be in a terrific mood, handing out grades like chocolates, and other times she'd fail you just for writing your name in a "Bayhooda (shameless) Font"... Whatever that means....

So you can imagine that I was super tensed about our final presentation. I knew that she hated boring powerpoint monologues, so I went out of my way to micromanage, and creatively come up with a kick-ass video presentation of our topic (my idea), which was about CSR in KFC. (That's Corporate Social Responsibility in Kentucky Fried Chicken...ALSO MY IDEA)

With help from my girls, I literally mapped out every single thing, from our fake data, to our fancy file, to everyone's part in presenting the report. I was super proud of it! I kept the two HBs (Hostel Boys) away from my precious baby during the technical parts, which worked out well for all of us. Unfortunately, it is mandatory for ALL MEMBERS to present the final report in front of the entire class. 

#Facewall

I divided the presentation in a strategic way, so that the HBs would  have the lowest risk of screwing up my show. 

This is the conversation we were having on the eve of our Big Day.

Me to HB#1: "You just have to introduce us (group members). Like, LITERALLY JUST SAY OUR NAMES at the start of the presentation. That's it."

Me to HB#2: "You just have to print the slides, and introduce KFC. That's it."

HB#1: "Bhai ko halka mat lo! (Don't take me lightly), you can give me more stuff to say, in the introduction."

Me: *eyeroll* "Fine then, you can talk a bit about CSR."

HB#1: "Okay."

~Ten Minutes later~

HB#1: "Hey, E. I've got a question."

Me: "Shoot."

HB#1: "What the hell is CSR?"

Me: "Oh. Um. That's a tough one. Geez. I guess I'll just have to...GOOGLE IT! DAMMIT!"

HB#1: "Okay. I'll play DOTA while you google it for me..."

I should be sainted for putting up with this, huh?

But it gets worse....

I was literally hysterical with nervousness, before the presentation, because I had a feeling that even though they were given the smallest jobs, these two Dodos would eff things up, with their Bad Hostel Mojo....

and I was right!

HB#2 couldn't print slides on time, because out of the blue, he decided to go to another city, the night before. (He got super scared when I called him up to give him a piece of my mind. LOL)

HB#1 Introduced all of us...but forgot to introduce HIMSELF. For which our teacher sarcastically annihilated him for like a solid minute. 

Then HB#2 had to talk about KFC, and he decided to improvise at the last moment. (Bear in mind that I literally pre-wrote a short introduction for him to read out of, in an attempt to minimize his chances of screwing up).

HB#2 to our class: "So, I'm here to talk about KFC. That's Kansas-Sorry- Kentucky Fried Chicken. *Pauses to fiddle with his cellphone* Yep. KFC. So, we all know what KFC is right? I mean, unless you're living in Uganda, you all know what KFC is..."

Random Dude in Class: "Speak louder, *insert name*"

HB#2: "What? Are you from Uganda? Huh? Never had KFC? Huh?" 

Then they both started discussing the fact that HB#2 resembled a KFC crispy chicken nugget....

And I think I must have a died a thousand deaths in those few minutes. I couldn't stop laughing hysterically. Because that's my nervous response. I laugh. And people think I'm okay with things, while I'm actually freaking out!

Thankfully, the teacher had dozed off for a few minutes. Like seriously, rested her head on the back of her chair, and SLEPT! in the middle of this Chicken Nuggety chaos! 

When she woke up, she praised the rest of our seamlessly perfect Videography, and we ended up with almost full marks. So I guess it didn't turn out as bad as it could have. But dudes...group-projects give me nightmares, after this one. I have trust issues because of group projects!! *Shudder* 

So, in case you haven't read it, my ongoing book; 'Don't Remind Me' is (mostly) set in a College, and I start off my chapters with these snippets from a fictional (But HONEST) College gossip magazine called Nitty Gritty. Recently, I came up with an interesting anatomy of typical project-groups as one of the snippets, that I think y'all would enjoy! :') This came straight from my heart yo. 

"I'm convinced that group projects were created by Satan, to test the horizons of student stress-to-CGPA ratios. Allow me to break down the typical composition of any group;

*The Doer: Actually does his/her share of work on time. (Might just be a myth. Like Mermaids. Or Atlantis.)

*The Sayer: Says He/She will do the work, but actually doesn't. (Wajib-ul-qatal this one).

*The No-Show: He/She disappears seconds after joining the project, and reappears seconds before the submission deadline. They don't care that the rest of the team is struggling, or that the project is worth 20% of the overall grade.

*The Weakest Link: Has the enthusiasm, humor and boundless energy to support The Doers, but lacks expertise, knowledge and everything else needed to make the project a success. (We call them "Kaaf Say Kacchee" in Urdu.)

*The Negotiator: Cleverly volunteers to do the easiest job in the project (i.e. Printing the report, or changing the presentation slides, or something like that), then sits back and relaxes while the rest of the group is contemplating communal suicide.

*Batman: Every group has a dark knight. The one you don't deserve, but the one you desperately need. He/She swoops in at the last moment, just as the train is about to run off the broken bridge, or the bomb is about to pop off. They are focused, organized, smart and you better kiss their asses for the rest of the semester, if you want that A-minus...... (Nitty Gritty, Issue Number, 1009, April, 2015)

(Excerpt from Don't Remind Me)

What is your worst Group Project story?