𝐻𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑜 𝐷𝑎𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠!

𝑇oday won't be a fun chapter to be honest with who is even reading those chapters!

This chapter will mention starving, body complex, mental health going downhill, nothing fun!

Ok now that I know my readers will be safe, or are in the mental space to read, let's go!

I'll be very honest, things are not doing well, at all.
Headaches are more frequent and I'm soon short on pills for it.
I can't sleep anymore, I'm writing this at 5:20am to explain.
I want to cry every night.

Anxiety got worse, I even get slightly (lie, very) scared when there's family meetups, I'm scared to go outside, I won't if I don't have someone with me.

I can't wear skin showing clothes anymore because I will cry.

I do have some good news!!
My current girlfriend is really here for me, even if she's in holiday rn like.. 5 hours from me but at least she's seeing her family!
She tells me her day every night and ask me about like, tries to remind me to drink enough and eat before sleeping..

I'm seeing a therapist Tuesday
I'm so scared ..
I asked my mom for it but now I'm scared
what if she tells me I'm a liar
what if she tells my mom everything?
My old therapist did..
What if she tries to manipulate me like the last one?
What if she isn't listening to me and think of me like I was a baby or just in a phase?

My mom is also being weird these days...
She always was like that but I knew how to ignore it before.
She keeps trying to pressure me into losing weight, or keep reminding me that if I don't do this, this, this, and this, that she won't be supporting me anymore and will make me work?
When I'm actually currently working?

She keeps complimenting me about my body, my curves, my waist and then attacks kinda with a sentence, telling how I could lose weight again and how I would look prettier if I had less this or this..

Okay if any parents are reading this (I'm not even sure a teenager will read this) please, don't do this.
And don't say the teenage years are the best years, because it's hellish and you know it.
You hate everything about yourself and keep thinking how things could be if we tried harder, when we actually are perfectly fine how we are and just need help.
Don't tell your kids their weight or not so brutally as my mother, I'm already suffering and hating myself for it, we don't need someone to remind us..

See, there's also another thing that my mom does.
She's like ..5 kilos higher than me in weight but she keeps telling me how fat she is, and how much belly she has?

I'm really short (4'9) so my current weight is the average weight, and almost overweight compare to my IMC, so when your mother makes comments about her being fat when you're almost the same weight is really harsh...

I can't eat anymore, not because I don't want to, but it just makes me sick to think about food.
When I do eat, I feel guilty.
I drink a ton of water per day.
I don't sleep anymore and yet my mom keep yelling at me for sleeping all the time.

What I'm trying to say I think is that I'm not okay and I'm scared to fall back again in the fucking scary place of my mind..