i have a hard time saying no
it's just trauma stemming from my mom's unpredictability
it's difficult for me to let go
so others don't hurt like i hurt with my dad's sudden leaving capability

i want to be the best person that i can
heal from my past and grow
but i don't think emotions were in life's plan
when it cooked me up and tossed me out the door

i don't wanna feel so deeply
lose my breathing
i just want to laugh with you
have a smile or two
so happy it feels like dreaming
but i'm not believing it's true

i'm afraid of vulnerability
don't wanna open up and be myself 'cause i'm never truly wanted
so glad i can finally end this bloodline's fertility
no more mentally ill children when we're fucking haunted

i don't wanna cry anymore
or fight with you
you're who i adore
and wanna talk to
but i'm not happy like this
and it i can't resist

i'm always afraid everyone is mad at me
and it took nearly two decades to realize my mom caused that
she taught me to have no emotion and cling to rationality
always walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect

i don't wanna feel so deeply
lose my breathing
cry til i'm sleeping
wish i did not exist