trigger warning: depression

"Xia."

Hindi ko na inabala ang sarili ko na tingnan ang tumawag sa pangalan ko. Nakaupo lang ako dito sa pasilyo ng hospital, patuloy na pinoproseso sa utak ang lahat ng kaganapan, habang nakayuko. Malalim na ang gabi pero hindi ko man lang naramdaman ang pagdalaw ng antok.

Tapos na. Wala na siya. Wala na si Ben.

My tears burst when someone tapped my back. His scent is so familiar that even though he's not saying anything, I felt comforted. He hugged me as if on that way, he can take all the pain I am carrying. Isinandal niya lang ako sa dibdib niya at hinayaang ilabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko. He didn't even utter a single word.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." He caressed my hair while apologizing. I didn't even know why he's saying sorry.

His presence is enough to calm all my thoughts. For the meantime, I didn't feel alone. Kinalma ko muna ang sarili ko. Ilang beses na ba akong umiyak ngayong araw? Hindi ko na alam. Basta ang alam ko, pagod na akong umiyak. Isang iyak na lang at isusuko ko na ang lahat.

"Do you want to e-eat?" I shook my head. Hindi ko man lang naramdaman na nagutom ako. Baka nalipasan na ako ng gutom. Pero wala naman akong pake. "Ginugutom mo na naman ang sarili mo." He sighed.

"Wala lang akong gana." It's almost a whisper. Nakaupo lang kami ngayon sa pasilyo ng hospital, nakatitig sa kawalan. Hindi ko alam kung anong iniisip niya pero alam kong alam niya ang iniisip ko. "B-Bakit ka nga pala nandito? Gabi na. Baka hinahanap ka na nila Tita." I said as I wipe my tears.

"Nagpaalam naman ako." Nagtataka ako kung bakit hindi niya itinitanong kung anong nangyari. I mean, siguro alam niya na pero hindi niya itinatanong kung paano.

"Hindi mo ba itatanong kung anong nangyari?" He looked at me because of what I said.

"I won't. I don't want you to think of that again." He rested his head on my shoulders. "Aren't you sleepy yet? It is late in the evening already."

"Hindi pa ako inaantok." Tipid na sagot ko.

"I know where to go." Tumayo ito at inilahad ang kamay niya sa akin na agad ko namang tinanggap. He pulled me and I just let him. Mukhang aakyat kami sa taas dahil sa hagdanan siya pumunta.

At tama nga ako.

Nasa rooftop kami ng hospital. Kitang-kita ang ilaw na nagmumula sa bayan. Sinabayan pa ng liwanag ng bilog na buwan. Ang nakakakalmang pagdampi ng hangin sa balat ko at ang marahan nitong pagpapalipad sa buhok. Everything is here is calming.

Sinabihan niya ako na maupo sa tabi niya. Nakatingin lang kami sa tahimik na bayan. Payapa ang lahat at kakaunti lamang ang makikitang sasakyan. This is why I love evening. Para na itong naging pahinga ko. Ang katahimikan ang nag-uudyok sa akin na payapain nag sarili ko.

Some hates evening because they can't see anything but for me, I love it. I love that I don't see anything. I won't see how cruel the world is. How cruel the human is. How cruel the life is.

Some people is afraid of silence but I don't. Silence is my rest. Silence is my peace. Silence is taming my wild thoughts.

Nanatili pa kaming tahimik ng ilang sandali. Mukhang hindi rin niya alam ang sasabihin katulad ko. He doesn't know what happened kaya mas pinili niya na lang manahimik. Alam ko ang nangyari kaya ako tahimik.

"Wala siyang kwentang ama, Blake."

Finally. I said the thing that I wanted to say without regretting it. Alam kong napatingin siya sa akin dahil sa sinabi ko, marahil ay nagulat dahil isinatinig ko 'yun.

"He ruined it all. Our family, our name, everything. He ruined everything including his son's dream. He ruined Ben's dream because of his indecent work." I emphasized the word 'indecent'.

"Xia, don't say that, okay? I understand your pain but he is still your father. And everything that happened to your family is not his intention." He defended my father. "Don't think that I am invalidating your feelings. It's just that, he's Ben's father and he didn't want what happened, too."

"He didn't want what happened? If he didn't want it then why did he do such things? Why did he steal? Why did he commit crimes?" Hindi ko maiwasang magtaas ng boses. "He mean all of those. Napaka-makasarili niya. Napakawala niyang kwentang tao!"

"Xia, I know you're mad and hurt at the same time. You need to rest, okay? You need to rest everything to intoxicate your mind. You can't think clear when you're tired." He tried to calm me but I just can't. My emotions won over me. I can't control them.

"Bakit, Blake? Di'ba dapat magalit ka sa kanya? Kasi masama siyang tao! Kasi halimaw siya!" I still fight. "He didn't think of the consequences of his actions. He only think of his self! He didn't think of his family! He never did!"

"I'll take you home, hmm? Why don't we talk about it some other time? For now, rest, okay?" His voice is still calm.

"Nabully ako sa school dahil sa kanya. 'Yung talento ko, nakwestyon dahil sa kanya." Here I am again, crying everything. "At ngayon, nawala si Ben dahil sa pinaggagawa niya. Alam mo 'yung masakit? Tatay siya! Siya dapat 'yung pumoprotekta sa pamilya niya! Pero 'yun na lang ang trabaho niya, hindi niya pa magawa!" I can't help but to breakdown.

"Xia...Xia..." He panicked when he saw my state. Nakaluhod lang naman ako sa semento habang iniiyak ang lahat. Nakakapagod. Napakabata ko pa para maramdaman ang ganitong klase ng pagkawasak. I had my mental breakdown that night and the last thing I remember is him, carrying me.

Oo nga't nakapagpahinga ako. Pero hindi ko naman alam na inihahanda lang pala ako sa panibago na namang pagsubok.

"Xia, tawagin mo na ang kapatid mo."

I was shocked with the mention of my brother. It was my mother who told me. She didn't even looked at me when she said that. She keeps on putting nutella on the bread. Paulit-ulit niya lang na ginawa 'yun.

"M-Ma..." She stopped and glance sideways, not really looking at me.

"Your brother. Call him. I prepared food for him. He requested it yesterday before he go to school." She said and continue what she is doing. She frowned when I still didn't move. "Xia! Call your brother!"

"M-Ma..." Anong nangyari? Nasa hospital siya kahapon kaya alam kong alam niya ang nangyari. Hindi ko naman kayang sabihin na wala na ang kapatid ko kasi hindi naman gan'on kadali sabihin 'yun.

"I told you to call your brother!" I stepped back when she shouted. Her voice echoed in the whole house. She sighed as if she's calming her self. She drop the utensil she's holding and wipes her hand with cloth. She then walk upstairs.

"M-Ma, saan ka pupunta?" I followed her.

"Tatawagin ang kapatid mo. It's just a simple thing yet you can't do it. Ano ba? Galit ka ba sa kapatid mo?"

I wanted to tell her that Ben's gone. That he is not on his room. That he will never appear again in his room. But I can't!

She knocked on my brother's room. I can't do anything but to watch her while trying my best to stop my tears. She keep on calling my brother but no one answer. No one will answer.

"Ben, open the door..." Humina ang pagkatok niya sa pinto. Napatingin ako sa kanya, umaagos na ang luha sa mata niya habang dahan-dahang napapa-upo. She cried a lot and those tears are the evidence of how much she suffers because of my brother's lost.

Pareho lang kaming umiyak. Umiiyak sa harap ng kwarto ni Ben, nagbabakasakaling lalabas siya. Pero hindi. Hindi nangyari 'yon.

Nagulat na lang ako nang biglang magwala si Mama. I tried to calm her down but she is so wild! She keeps on throwing things. Napatakbo ako ng bahay para humingi ng tulong but to my disappointment, no one did. Wala akong mahingian ng tulong. Walang pumapansin sa akin.

Gan'on na ba talaga ang mga tao? Na porke nakagawa ng kasalanan, dapat hindi na tulungan? Atsaka, hindi naman namin kasalanan ang kasalanan ni Papa.

Pagpasok ko sa loob, she is crying so loud while breaking everything she will see. She keeps on shouting my brother's name while I am here, watching her breakdown, helpless.

"Ma! Tama na 'yan!" I keep telling those words, wishing for her to hear me and realize what she's doing.

Tumakbo ako sa kwarto ko para tumawag ng tulong. Wala akong ibang maisip kundi siya. Si Blake na lang ang mahihingian ko ng tulong.

"Hello, Xia, what's the problem?" He said in a panic voice. Nakarinig pa ako ng mga kaluskos kaya malamang ay bumangon pa ito sa higaan.

"B-Blake...si Mama...n-nagwawala siya. Natatakot ako Blake." I composed myself for him to understand what I am saying.

"W-What---okay, okay. Hold on. I'm going to call for help. Just keep your eyes on her, okay? Try to calm her down while waiting for help." He said. I just nod even though I know he won't see me. The call ended at katulad nga ng sinabi niya, sinubukan ko ang lahat para kumalma siya.

Half an hour after, the help came. My mother calmed down already but her tears just keep on flowing. She was transmitted in the hospital to treat her wounds. Later on that day, she was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder.

That thing totally ruined everything that I have. My family is totally ruined. I feel so lost. I can't think of what to do. Ben's funeral, about my mom's state, my father's case. Everything. Everything is so exhausting. I can't even feel my pain.

Naging malaki din ang epekto ng absents ko sa grades ko. The topnotch student of the class failed for the first time. Nakikita ko ring may pasa si Blake ngunit kapag tinatanong ko ito kung saan niya nakukuha, sinasabi niyang wala lang. I appreciated his effort to stay with me whatever happens but I guess he's too much.

"Xia, can we talk?"

Her mother approached me when he's gone. We're still here at the hospital because of my mother's state. I smiled at her and nodded.

"You know that I like you for my son, right?" I nervously nod at her. She sighed. "I am not blaming you for what happened but Blake, he's not doing well at school anymore. Lagi siyang umuuwing may pasa. Hindi rin siya nagtake ng periodical exam kasi lagi niyang kinakatwiran na kelangan mo raw siya."

Even though she said that she's not blaming me for what happened with Blake, I feel like it's my fault. That I am being a burden to Blake. That time, I cried again. A lot. I beg Him to just take me. To take my life because I can't live with it anymore. Everybody and everything is just so tiring.

"Babe, how are you?" I bite my lips and sighed when he came. He's here again. For me. "What's wrong? Are you hungry?"

"Blake, itigil na natin 'to." I know that what I said made him stopped. I looked at him and he looks shock because of what I said. He open his mouth as if he wanted to say something but he couldn't. Tears form in his brown eyes.

"W-Why? What did I do?" He hold my hand tightly, not wanting to let me go. I looked at it coldly before turning gaze back on him. "Did I do something wrong? Please, tell me."

"It's not healthy anymore. You...me, everything. This is not good for us." Iniwasan ko ang tingin niya nang makita ang pagpatak ng luha niya. "We need to rest. I need to rest. You need to rest."

"I can rest without you, breaking up with me."

"You keep on fighting on school because of me! You didn't take your periodical test because of me! I didn't tell you to do those things yet I still feel guilty! Why do you always make me feel like it's my fault! That everything is my fault!" I shouted at him. He looked surprise because of what I just tell. "I didn't want you to be like that! You are not the Blake I know!"

"It's just a test. I can still take that anytime." He said while looking down, still holding my hand. His voice is low. "I will take that if that's what you want, but please, don't leave me. Not now. Not ever."

"It's not 'just' a test, Blake. You can fail because of that. Alam mong malaking porsyento ang mawawala sa'yo kapag hindi mo naipasa 'yun." I removed his hand on me. "Let's end this here."

I know that he doesn't deserve what I have done. Na hindi niya deserve iwanan matapos ang lahat ng ginawa niya sa akin. But being with me is something he doesn't deserve too. I lost myself, and I don't want him to loose himself, too while helping me that's why I ended up everything.

"Happy second monthsarry, babe..." I uttered those words as I enter my room.

On our second monthsarry, I broke up with him. I let him go.