"Nasa'n na kaya 'yun?"

Nandito kami ngayon sa park ni Vina. Oo, kasama ko si Vina. Pinuntahan niya kasi ako sa room nung nakaraan para tulungan daw siya kay Blake. Close naman daw kami eh. Ang alam ko, close na rin sila pero nang sabihin ko, sabi niya gusto niya daw surpresahin si Blake.

Gusto ko mang tumanggi, hindi ko naman magawa. Ewan ko ba. Parang ako na lang rin ang nananakit sa sarili ko. I want him to be happy but the heck? I can't resist seeing him with another woman.

It must be stopped. I should stop. This should stop.

"There he is." Napatingin ako sa tinuturo niya. There, I saw him, looking perfect with his green shirt tucked-in in the faded jeans. He also fixed his hair. He look...awesome.

Oh, okay. Can someone tell me how to recover from this tiny crush?

"Hi...?" He greeted us. Malamang nagtataka siya kung bakit kami magkasama ni Vina. Sinabi ko lang naman sa kanya na magkita kami dito sa ganitong oras din mismo. "Hey, Vin. I'm not informed that you're here rin pala." He kissed Vina's cheek so I looked away, pretending not to see anything and not minding the green monster of jealousy.

"Yeah, since both of you are here na, siguro naman pwede na ako umalis? Grabe kayo. Nadadamay pa ako sa lovelife niyo." Tinawanan ko lang sila saka kumaway, sign na wala akong balak manatili.

I sighed when I don't feel there stares at me. Nakakita ako ng malapit na upuan kaya naupo ako r'on. Wala rin naman akong gagawin sa bahay. Wala rin namang project na iniwan sa amin. Wala rin kaming assignment, so I guess, it's fine na tumambay muna dito.

I looked at them and see them talking casually. 'Yung pag-uusap nila parang sobrang close nila. Nahahampas ni Vina 'yung braso ni Blake kapag tumatawa. Umaakbay pa minsan si Blake kay Vina.

Why do I always wish to be somebody else?

Umalis na ako nang makita ang oras. Baka pagalitan na naman ako ni Papa. Buti nga sumama si Vina sa bahay kaya napapayag si Papa. Basic lang naman daw sa kanya 'yun.

"Sa Fidel lang po." I said to the driver. He nodded on me then started driving.

Nakatingin lang ako sa labas buong byahe. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong iniisip ko na hindi ko man lang namalayan na nakarating na ako sa bahay. Hindi ko nga namalayan na nakapagbayad na ako eh.

"I'm home."

Nagulat ako nang may sumalubong na aso sa akin. Wala namang aso sa bahay namin ah. Tiningnan ko pa ang paligid pero bahay talaga namin ito eh.

"Ray, come back here!"

Napatingin ako kay Ben nang sundan niya ang Golden Retriever Dog na papunta sa akin. Mabuti na lang at naabutan niya

"Where did you get that dog? Did Mom allowed you to pet that?" I asked, hindi pa rin lumalapit sa kanya. Mamaya biglang nangagat ang aso na 'yan.

"Mom buys me this dog. She said it was a gift for me being a good boy." Tumango lang ako sa kanya at sinabing ilayo sa akin ang aso niya. "He don't bite, Ate. He's cute. He won't bite you. He is picky on his food and he doesn't like your body. It's so eww."

Hala, kabastos naman nito.

"Okay. Just...just don't forget to wash your hands after touching and playing with that. Where's Mom?" I asked him as I go to the kitchen.

"She said, she's going to somewhere I don't understand. She'll be back." Sabi niya habang patuloy pa rin sa paglalaro kay Ray.

"Don't tire yourself from playing. Ate is in the room lang if you need anything." Anas ko at hindi na hinintay pa na sumagot siya.

Pagkapasok ko sa loob ng kwarto ko, dumapa agad ako sa higaan ko. Nakadapa lang ako 'dun habang ang isip ko ay palutang-lutang. Naisipan kong i-text si Fiona.

To: Fiona
Can I ask?

Pagkatapos kong i-send sa kanya 'yun, muli akong dumapa. Naghintay pa ako ng ilang sandali nang marinig ko ang pagvibrate ng cellphone ko, sign na nagreply na siya.

From: Fiona
Ano yorn?

Nagsimula na akong magtipa.

To: Fiona
Anong nagustuhan sa'yo ni Harry?

Binasa ko pa ng binasa ang sinulat ko bago ko isend. Hindi ba siya nakaka-offend pakinggan?

From: Fiona
Grabe ka naman, Xiapot! Bakit?! Bawal ba akong magustuhan?! Huhu

From: Fiona
*sent a picture*

From: Fiona
See? Kahit umiiyak ako, pretty pa rin ako kaya 'wag ka ng magtaka kung bakit type na type ako ni Harry-beh. Bakit mo pala natanong? Crush mo ba si Harry-beh? Suko ka na ba kay Blakey-baby kaya kay Harry-beh ka na lang?

Napakamot ako sa ulo dahil sa haba ng sinend niya. Ang bilis naman ata nito mag-type?

From: Fiona
H'wag si Harry-beh, bhie. Mine na agad 'yun eh. Si Risa Honteveros na lang para masaya. H'wag lang si Harry-beh, please?😣

Natawa ako. Wow. We're on the same page. Having crush with someone. Ang pagkakaiba lang, siya, sasagutin niya na lang 'yung crush niya, ako, tinutulak pa sa iba ang crush ko.

Ano ba 'yan!

Ni-replyan ko na lang siya na nagsasabing 'just asking'.

Days went pass and here we are again. Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla na lang naming naging kasabay si Vina sa lamesa. Sila na ba? Ang bilis naman.

"Akin nga kasi 'yan!" Napatingin ako kila Reese at Lola na, as usual, nag-aagawan na naman sa pagkain.

"Mama mo! Saka mo na ako agawan ng pagkain kapag nanalo ka na sa Monkey. Bugok ka kasi maglaro kaya akin na 'yan!"

Tiningnan ko lang sila mag-agawan ng pagkain. Sila Fiona at Harry, nag-uusap din naman pero hindi kasing ingay nina Reese at Lola. Kaming tatlo naman, si Blake, Vina at ako, mukhang may kanya-kanyang mundo.

"May tanong ako sa'yo, Blake. May...kayo ba?"

"Hey." Tumawa ng mahina si Fiona nang sawayin siya ni Harry dahil sa tanong niya.

"Ito naman. Ask-ask lang eh. Meron ba, Blake? Alam niyo kasi, si Xia, sobrang nalulungkot n----na..." Mukhang na-realize niya 'yung sinabi niya nang panlakihan ko siya ng mata.

"Bakit ka naman nalulungkot sa amin, Xia?" Napatingin ako kay Vina nang magsalita ito. Seryoso lang ang mukha niya at mukhang hindi naman siya...galit?

"Eh, paanong hindi? Hindi maka-move 'yung crush niya sa kanya kasi akala niya, may attachment kayo. Nakikita daw niya kasi kayo na magkasama lagi kaya hindi siya maka-move. Kahit sa labas." Napatingin ako kay Fiona nang mag-imbento ito ng kwento. "Eh, prenny kasi kami kaya concern ako sa lovelife niya. Buti pa 'yung iba, nagla-love life na pero siya, wala pa. Kawawa naman siya di'ba?"

Hanla, si Fiona kung anu-ano pinagsasabi. Palihim ko tuloy siyang sinipa sa ilalim ng lamesa pero tumawa lang siya.

"A-Ano..." Napatingin ako kay Blake na noon ay nakatingin lang sa akin. "Bakit ganyan ka makatingin?" Nautal pa ako pero pinatatag ko ang boses ko.

"Nothing." Umiling lang siya kaya natawa si Vina sa kanya.

Humupa na rin naman ang tension na naramdaman ko at nagbalik na sa dating gawi ang ambiance ng lamesa. Blake become more quiet this time. Si Fiona naman kasi eh. Wala naman akong sinasabi.

Hinayaan ko na lang. Mukhang ang lalim ng iniisip ni Blake dahil hanggang sa matapos kami, puro tango at iling lang ang naisasagot niya kapag kinakausap siya. Hanggang sa nagpaalam si Vina, ganon pa din siya.

"Oy, si Blake, masyadong dinibdib 'yung sinabi ko. Joki-joki lang naman 'yun eh. Half-charot, kumbaga." Sabi ni Fiona na nakapagpatawa kay Blake.

"Gaga ka ba naman. Walang preno ang bibig mo. Akala mo naman mabibigyan ng Lee kapag nagdadadadak. Walang ganon 'uy." Fiona just mock Lola's words.

After that, there's no strange thing happened. Should I be thankful that Blake is not affected of what Fiona said? Blake and Vina's bond  became closer. We often have Vina in our table with Blake. I can't help but to feel jealous. I know, I don't have the right to, but I just can't stop this.

"Nasa kalahati na tayo ng quarter, oh my gosh. Ang tagal mag-graduation. Ayaw ko ng mabuhay." Pagrereklamo ni Fiona. Nasa library kami ngayong lima. Ako, si Lola, si Fiona, si Hershey at si Tiffany.

"Ang lapit-lapit na nga ng bakasyon, saka ka pa napagod mabuhay." Pangongontra sa kanya ni Hershey.

"Ayoko mag Senior High School! Saksakin niyo na lang ako kesa pag-math-in sa Senior High." Reklamo pa din ni Fiona. "Kayo ba? Hindi ba kayo natatakot mag-Senior High? Sabagay, mukha naman na kayong Senior Citizens, eh."

"Nagtext si Risa. Nasa'n daw tayo." Tumawa pa siya.

"'Wag mong sabihin kung saan. Manggugulo lang 'yung mga 'yun. Sabihin mo nasa canteen tayo." Nangalumbaba pa si Fiona. "Ayaw rin kamo makita ni Xia si Blake."

"Hanla, wala akong sinasabi." Agad na apila ko.

"Suuuuss!!" Sabi niya saka ako dinuro. "Oh, please. Don't me, Xiapot. Sabihin mo na lang kasi na lab lab mo siya para matapos na ang lahat. Malay mo maging abunjing-abunjing ka niya. Ayaw mo 'nun?" Inirapan niya pa ako. "Ewan ko ba kung bakit pinapahirapan niyo ang mga self niyo. Pwede namang sabihin niyo na lang ang nilalaman ng mga kinginang puso niyo para matapos na ang lahat----,"

"Kasama ang friendship nila 'no?" Natawa si Fiona sa dinugtong ni Tiffany.

"May point naman si Tipanya. May tinatawag kasi tayong consequences at aftermath, di'ba beh? Baka lang naman." Si Hershey naman.

"Sabagay. Kelangan mo lang mamili sa dalawa. I-sacrifice 'yung feelings mo...or i-sacrifice ang friendship niyo. Choose wisely, bhie." Tumawa pa silang tatlo.

"Natahimik ka ata, Lola?" I can hear Hershey's smirk when she said that.

"Tanga. Iniisip ko kasi kung bakit ko kinumpyut 'yung nasa tama o mali section kanina. Olats tuloy ng sampo. Wala pa silang effort consideration. Gah! Ang hirap magcompute 'no!" She rant.

We just talked about random things. Later on, Reese with Blake, entered the library. We asked Lola if she tells them but she said she don't. We asked them also how they find us.

"The school is too small for us not to find you." Blake simply said then take the seat next to me. I hear their chuckles which easily annoys me. "Hi." He greeted. I just nod at him to accommodate his presence.

"Where is Vina?" I want to slap myself for asking that.

Seriously, Xia?

"Crush na ata ni Xia si Vina."

"Girl's Love na this."

"Wow, si Xia nagka-crush na. Astig."

Mas lalo lang akong nahiya sa pinagsasabi ng mga kasamahan ko. Urgh!!

"I just asked. She is usually with you so I am looking for her now." I forced myself not to stutter.

He narrowed his eyes on me, looking if I am telling truth. I don't know where the hell I get the courage to look at his eyes. He look shock when I faced him but he immediately avoided my gaze, sighing.

"Magkasama lang kami kanina...but she said she needed to go first. She wanted to say hi to you, anyways." Tumango na lang ako sa kanya.

Aaminin ko, kumabog na naman ang dibdib ko nang tingnan ko muli siya sa mata. Masama na talaga 'to. I need to stop this before anything might happen.

"Ba-bye na mga beh. Mauuna na muna kami sa inyo. Alam niyo naman ang mga pretty na hooman, hindi dapat ma-late. Say goodbye na sa magandang dilag." Kumaway pa si Fiona sa amin nang hilahin siya ng dalawa.

Four of us stayed in the library, doing and minding our own world. Reese and Lola, strangely, are quiet now. I don't remember them being this quiet.

"Is there a problem with the both of you? Bakit kayo inaamag?" Tanong ko sa kanila. They both laugh at me, didn't take my question seriously.

Si Reese ay nasa cellphone, mukhang may ka-text dahil nangingiti pa ito minsan. Si Lola naman, may sinusulat na kung ano sa papel niya. Ako? Nakatingin lang sa dalawang nasa harap ko. Si Blake naman, nakatingin lang sa akin.

Nakatingin lang sa akin...

Nakatingin lang sa akin...

Wait, what?

"Why are you looking at me?" I asked him. I wish he is aware that my heart is beating fast when he do that.

"Nothing. Binalik mo na pala 'yung glass mo." He pointed my eyes. I rolled my eyes on him. Ngayon niya lang napansin? Busy kasi kay Vina eh.

"Yeah. I'm not used of using contact lenses." I said.

"That's good. Glass suits you well." He smiled at me then pat my head. I told him to stop doing that, making him laugh. With his gestures, I know that I cannot get over easily.

In the next days, I tried to avoid Blake. I know it is not right and fair for him for me to avoid him without giving a reason but I can't just tell him that I have feelings for him. It's so rediculous. I'm too young to feel stress with this shit. I always tell them that I had to go first because of different reasons. Or sometimes, when I know that he will come near me, I will automatically excused myself.

I thought, after avoiding him, I will realize that I am not inlove with him. That this feeling is shallow. That this is just a crush. But seeing him, with Vina, laughing together, broke my heart into pieces.

Akala ko, kapag iniwasan ko siya, hindi na ako maaapektuhan at hahanapin niya rin ako. Pero bakit parang bumabalik sa akin lahat? Bakit mukhang wala siyang pake kung iwasan ko siya? He looks happy...even if he don't have me in his side.

"Xia, can we-----,"

"I can't. Papa is waiting outside."

I lied. There is no Papa outside. I just can't talk to him right now. Uwian na nang maabutan niya ako na palabas na ng school. It's been days since I decided to stay away from him. Sinagot na rin ni Fiona si Harry.

"I've been there. I told your driver that I am going to talk to you for a moment. He agreed." He looked like he wanted to shout at me and I can feel that in his grip.

Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi ko dahil nahuli niya akong nagsisunungaling. What the fuck.

"When did you lie at me? Why are you slowly loosing at my grip? Why...why are you avoiding me, Xi?" Confusion is evident in his voice. "Why, Xi?"

"Let me go." I said as I tried to pull my hand but he won't let me. Hinila niya pa ako kaya para maiwasang masaktan, nagpahila na lang ako. "Fuck ka ba? Saan mo ba ako dadalhin? Uuwi na ako, Blake!"

"No. We will talk. You won't go home until you tell me your goddamn reasons." At pagkatapos, isinandal niya ako sa pader ng classroom at nagcross arm sa harap ko. Inirapan ko lang siya.

"Bahala ka sa buhay mo..." I murmured, not wanting to say anything.

"Bahala talaga ako sa'yo." Hindi ko masyadong narinig ang ibinulong niya pero hindi ko na lang pinansin. "What? You won't talk? You can't talk?"

"Ano bang gusto mong malaman?" I shout at him, making him stepped back. I sighed and look away.

"Hey, don't shout, okay? I just want to ask...why did you...avoided me...all of a sudden?" I can see pain in his eyes as he uttered those words of him. I can't help but to feel guilty.

Should I tell him?

What for?

Will it change anything?

It will just ruin everything. Including our treatment to each other.

But...it is ruined already the time I choose to avoid him thinking that it'll stop.

"Why, Xia?"

"I don't owe you an explanation, Blake. I can disassociate myself with anyone I wanted to. E-Even you..." I stuttered in the last part. I can't tell him the truth. Not now. Not ever.

"Don't you think that that is unfair to me? That you will just suddenly don't talk to me? I am your friend, Xia. So I think I deserve a reason? An explanation?" He is not on the verge of crying right now. He is in pain, confusion and anger. That's what I see in his eyes.

I am your friend, Xia...

I smiled sarcastically. "I wish I could say the same thing with you, Blake." I fixed my bag and started walking again, leaving him behind.

"Xia----!"

"Blake, please, just stay away from me!" I shouted at him as I faced him again, now with the tears streaming down on my face. He look shocked when he saw my face. Umatras ako nang humakbang siya palapit sa akin.

"Xia, tell me, what's wrong? Did I do something?" Lumambot ang boses niya at dahandahang lumapit sa akin.

"Ayoko na, Blake..." I sobbed when he went to hug me. I didn't hug him back. "Ayoko na ng ganito..." Marahan ko pa siyang tinulak pero hindi man lang siya naapektuhan.

"H'wag mo nga akong yakapin! Kapag may nakakita sa atin na kakilala ni Vina...ayoko ng gulo." Pakiramdam ko umurong ang luha ko nang maamoy siya.

"I won't let you go. Not until you tell me what's wrong? What have I done wrong? Tell me so I can fix it." I sighed and just let him. I just wish that nothing will change when I told him.

"I'm sorry...I didn't stop myself." As I uttered those words, my heart beats rapidly. "I...didn't stop myself from admiring you...from liking you...from loving you..." Tinago ko pa ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya dahil sa hiya at takot.

Honestly, I felt relief when I confessed that. But the anxiety really attacked me right now. My knees and hands are trembling. I felt cold and my heartbeat goes wild. I am afraid of his reaction.

"W-What..." He stepped back. Naramdaman ko 'yon nang unti-unting matanggal ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin. "I-Is this...for real?" He looked at me in disbelief. Kaya ayokong sabihin eh. Alam kong ganito ang magiging reaksyon niya.

"I'm sorry..." I said as I turned my back on him. Pagabi na at malamang naghihintay na 'yung driver ko 'dun. Baka pagalitan na rin ako ni Papa pero heto ako, mas nag-aalala pa sa reaksyong binibigay ni Blake. "U-Uuwi na ako..."

Nagsimula na akong maglakad papalayo sa kanya. As I take my steps away from him, I know that everything will change. That we won't be the same as we are before. It's my fault, really. Now, I hate myself.

I stopped when someone grabbed me and hugged me, tighter. I was shocked when I realized that it was him. It was Blake.

"Why did it took you so long before you realize?" He said before tightening the hug again. Now, I know he can feel the raging heartbeat of mine. "Do you hear that heartbeat? That's mine. That heart shout your name. Every single heartbeat of mine is intended for you, Xia. I love----,"

"A-Ano 'to..."

Automatic kaming naghiwalay ni Blake nang marinig ang boses niya. Napatingin kami kay Vina na gulat lang ang expression.

"Xia? Ha? Blake? Ano 'to!" I stepped back when she shouted. Blake sighed and massage his forehead.

"Vin----,"

"No, Blake! Explain this to me!"

"Vin-----,"

"No, you shut up!"

"It's done, okay? She knows that I love her and I know that she loves me---wait, do you love me? Ah, yeah. You said it. Now, you don't have to pretend anymore, couz."

Eh?

"Ah, tapos na ba? Ano ba 'yan! Hindi ko pa nailalabas ang malulupitang banat ko, insan! Dapat magsasabi pa ako ng, 'pinagkatiwalaan ko kayo tapos gaganyan-ganyanin niyo ako? How could you!' tapos mag-aaway kami ni Xia kasi mahal ka rin niya. Ganon. Kairita ka. Isusumbong kita kay Tita." She crossed her arm.

"W-Wait..." I can't process there conversation. They are cousins...and they are both playing with me. Is that it? "Are you messing with me?" I can't help but to get annoyed.

"Yeah. We are messing with you because my very lovely cousin says that you are wonderfully dense." She smirked. I looked at Blake who is now planting daggers in Vina.

"I didn't say you are dense." He raised his both hands.

"Yes, he did. Hindi nga ako makaporma sa crush ko dahil sa katarantaduhan ng gunggong na 'yan eh. Buti na lang na-explain ko sa kanya kahit wala siyang pake. And---oh, by the way, I see him. Gotta go!" She winked at me and ran away.

Now, we're left here. Both of us is just quiet. Pinapakiramdaman pa namin kung sino ang magsasalita. Bahala siya d'yan. Sinabihan niya ako ng manhid. I started to walk.

"Hey, Xi, that is not true. I didn't say you were dense. I never did. Listen to me, please? Please? Baby, please."

I stopped at his last word. Naabutan niya tuloy ako.

"What did you say?" I asked him.

"I said that I didn't say that you are dense----,"

"No---no, not that one. T-The last word you...said..." I don't know what the heck comes to my mind to make him repeat what he said.

"What?" He looks confuse. Hindi niya matandaan? I just shook my head. "Hey, what did I----oh!" He smirked at me when he realize what I am talking about. Pakiramdam ko tuloy umakyat lahat ng dugo ko sa mukha. "You like that, hmm? Baby..."

"Stop." I rolled my eyes on him.

"Baby..."

"Stop!"

"Okay, okay, I'll stop." He chuckled.

"Uuwi na ako." I said and walk again.

"Hatid na kita." Nakangisi pa rin siya sa akin. "Hatid na kita, babe."