ah 3 more chapters until the
epilogue ): BUT THIS IS THE LAST SAD
CHAPTER I PROMISE IM SICK OF IT TOO

trigger ⚠️  suicidal thoughts &
implications of an attempt

♡♡♡

"There's nothing to talk about," Jeongguk whispered softly, staring at the gray ceiling that seemed to have become a routine since the last few days he had been at the hospital. It was all he had now, anyways.

It had all been a blur, really. A dream that had become this inescapable nightmare that seemed to have consumed him whole, and what escape he imagined practically impossible at this point.

There was not much to say, except it happened. It happened, and here he was, lying down on a hospital bed, surrounded by four, gray plaster walls, and his knee unrecognizable before him.

Oh, and he surely didn't forget that his dreams were practically fucking destroyed.

Yes, he was devastated, yet he tried to focus on the pain medication making his head all fuzzy because it was slightly more tolerable to ignore everything than face reality. Yes, he felt so fucking numb he couldn't dare to move, for he was fragile enough to shatter with a blink of an eye.

And yes, he knew damn well what this meant, how horrible it was, and the damage that would continue to haunt him forever if this was the end.

He didn't need some doctor to tell him in terms he couldn't understand, or his family, who he refused to see, soften their pitiful expressions and break it down to him like he was some child that every single thing he ever worked for was shoved down the drain.

Jeongguk was aware, too painfully aware, that this happened, and there was no emotion, no word, and no sensation to even start to describe how he felt.

Maybe call it emptiness. Call it devastation. Call it whatever the fuck you wanted to, but it would never be enough.

He would never feel enough ever again.

"I'm not leaving this room until I know you're okay," Hyejung said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm not gonna leave you, Gguk."

"You should though," He replied, licking his chapped lips, teeth grazing the cracked skin. "M'not gonna do anything if that's what you're worried about."

"You think I'm here to make sure you won't kill yourself? Jeongguk, it's more than that. I'm here because I know how bad it hurts," She countered.

"M'not here to pity you. M'not here to make you feel worse. M'here so you know that you have someone."

Jeongguk swallowed dryly, the words he wanted to say dying in his throat, for they no longer held any sort of meaning anymore so really, it was pointless to even speak. He grasped at the sheets at his sides, fingers gripping them in tight bunches.

His sister said his name again, more meaningless words, but he managed to drown her out with the static buzzing in his ears and let himself fall further into this void.

Every inch of him lost its purpose, he guessed. All his passion was cooped inside of him, growing and thriving, but now, he was merely an empty vessel. His purpose gone like the rest of his own feelings.

There wasn't a point to speak to anyone, or even see anyone the more he thought about it. Hell, if his sister wasn't stubborn, he would have asked her to leave him alone like the others.

Existing was the least of his cares. He couldn't even bring himself to eat, to get up, or look at the face of another when there was no reason to.

Every breath he took was labored, forced even, like he wanted to suffocate and wither away until he matched the nothingness that devoured him.

Why continue if his body didn't have the strength to, was how it felt like. Why continue to exist if there was no other purpose, when all you ever loved was stripped from you, and made you realize your life was meant to be spent alone?

Maybe it would be like that for a while, who knew. He didn't know anything anymore.

"Are you even listening to me?" Hyejung asked, sighing. He heard her shift and wondered how long she sat there but quickly lost interest. As per usual.

"Can you at least see your friends? They've been calling, wondering when they can see you," She said. At that, Jeongguk tensed.

"Yugyeom, San, and Jae are worried."

"I don't want to see them," He croaked, adam's apple bobbing in his throat.

"You need them right now. You need somebody. Even if it's not me, you need someone," Hyejung whispered, scooting forward in her chair, her fingers trying to reach Jeongguk's but he quickly retracted his hand back.

"I don't need anyone," He said thickly, letting his eyelids fall shut, mind begging for sleep to take over him so he could just forget for some time. "I'm fine."

"Gguk," She tried again, but of course, he shut her out. "You can't give up. This isn't the end for you. If you fight—,"

"— There's no reason to fight," He interrupted her, jaw stiff, tight as his knuckles whitened at his sides, the sheets nothing while he dug his fingers into his palm.

"I tore my fucking acl," Jeongguk murmured, "It is a major injury that requires months of physical rehab, but even then, noona, it's no guarantee if I can play the same way. Hell, I'd be lucky to even play after surgery."

"Don't say that," Hyejung started, suddenly cut off by dry, hollow laughter.

"Give it up already," Jeongguk snapped, shaking his head bitterly, eyes burning. "Just fucking shut up and stop trying to say there's hope when there isn't any at all, alright?"

"I gave up. You should too."

"Don't say that," Hyejung stiffened.

"Why not? It's the truth," Jeongguk spat.

"You're not yourself right now," She whispered lowly, words trembling. Jeongguk scoffed, finally whipped his head to the side, hands shaking, nails painfully digging into his skin.

Her face broke him: another blow to his already fragile heart. Prominent dark circles were beneath her red rimmed eyes, her hair thrown into a careless ponytail with tendrils falling all over her face. She hadn't changed since the tournament.

Bu the way she trembled, her lips folded into this strange frown, her own breathing unable to keep up with her exhausted body, Jeongguk wanted nothing more but to take her pain, but at the same time he couldn't bear it.

He couldn't look at her without breaking apart, the string inside of him already worn thin, on the verge of snapping. Any second, he would fall apart, and he didn't want to. Fuck, he was afraid what would happen if he did.

But he forced himself anyways. He forced himsef to meet her pained irises once before tearing his gaze back to the blank wall ahead of him, teeth gritted.

Pathetic. That was what he was. So pathetic he that he wasn't strong enough. Fuck, he just...wasn't strong enough.

"I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore, noona," Jeongguk murmured. "I don't have volleyball anymore. I'm never around you guys. I let go of the only person that I actually loved."

"So m'sorry if I don't sound like myself," He said, words trembling off his tongue, "I can't help it."

"You'll find yourself again," Hyejung said softly.

"Don't start," He croaked, words welling up in his throat, building into this knot he couldn't seem to untangle. "Just don't. There's nothing you can say that can possibly make me feel better about this."

"Volleyball was my fucking everything and n-now, when I chose it, it left me. I-I thought," He inhaled shakily, voice cracking, the tears he desperately struggled to hold back fought against him.

"I-I thought it'd never leave me, but it did. It l-left me noona."

"Jeongguk," She whispered, but the younger merely shook his head, pulling his blanket higher over him, turning his head to the side to avoid looking at her while his body trembled.

"Leave me alone," Jeongguk said, firmly, attempting to mask the sobs caught in his throat, not wanting to deal with this anymore.

"J-just please, go away. I want to be alone."

"Don't do this, Gguk I promise—,"

"—Fuck your promises," Jeongguk snapped, voice raising, wavering as the words slipped past his lips. "Leave me the fuck alone. I-I don't want to repeat it again."

"A-Alright," Hyejung cleared her throat after some time. "If that's what you want."

Her voice cracked as Jeongguk desperately forced out a hoarse please. He heard her chair screech against the linoleum, her foot steps heavy as they receded toward the door.

Jeongguk couldn't bring himself to say a word, or rather, even spare her a glance as the handle clicked open. He could, however, feel her eyes land on him, studying him closely, worry obvious in her stare, but he did nothing. He tensed, holding his breath until she finally left.

And the second she was gone, he broke, letting himself slip up and allow the tears he tried so hard to hold back finally fall.

But he didn't make a sound— he didn't have the energy, the capacity to even make a noise. Instead, his shoulders shook, his hand covering his face as he muffled every sniffle behind his palm, tears staining his cheeks.

With every muted cry, he broke apart, strangled, letting himself be devoured alive piece by piece until he no longer knew who he was.

There was no purpose. No meaning. No reason to even try anymore as he cried, too weak, too tired to pick up the pieces by himself.

For the first time in his life, Jeon Jeongguk simply gave up.

♡︎♡︎♡︎

♡︎♡︎♡︎

"Jeongguk~," He whipped his head toward the door,  hands resting over his stomach as he saw his sister by the door, an unusual smile splayed wide over her lips.

"Didn't I tell you I want to be alone," Jeongguk said, pressing his lips together into a tight line, averting his gaze back to the ceiling, guessing it was his only company that didn't give him the urge to vomit.

"Yes, but you're having your acl surgery today," She said, "and I don't want you to be alone."

"Well you've left me alone for years," Jeongguk spat bitterly, crossing his arms, fingers digging into his skin through his sleeves. He couldn't see her face, but he could tell her smile disappeared.

"Can we not fight? I want to be here for you," Hyejung murmured, and god, she had an awful a lot of patience to deal with him.

Of all people, he thought she would understand him. She injured her knee years ago, having been stripped of volleyball and all the dreams she spent most of her life creating in her head. All that time ago, she was the one in the bed, suffering and wanting to be alone with nothing but the fucking pain poisoning her every thought.

And Jeongguk left her alone. He lost his sister for awhile, and though he knew she remembered it and even pledged to be there for him after, he still didn't want her there.

It had been three years after her injury that made her come back to him. He didn't have a fucking sister for three years.

So, she should have known why he didnt want anyone to be with him. Why couldn't she understand that?

Why couldn't she understand that if he saw her face, his stomach twisted into knots and nausea would crash over him wave after wave, the vomit bitter in his throat as it rose into his mouth?

Why couldn't she understand that if he was alone, it was tolerable? There wasn't any pitiful faces, or concerned stares, and the four gray walls around him didn't vividly remind him of the night he lost it all.

Why couldn't she understand that seeing all of them was killing him?

It was so much easier to be alone, even if being alone slowly drove him crazy and left him to suffocate in his own pain, it was easier.

"Please. You would want to see this," Hyejung whispered. He didn't look at her, instead, falling silent, teeth gnawing on his lip.

Jeongguk's chest rose and fell unevenly, his fingers beginning to tremble, but he tried to keep calm, to hold what was left of him together. He supposed his sister must of left when he was met with nothing, and he guessed it eased him somewhat.

So, he returned his gaze back to the wall ahead of him, stomach dropping realizing Hyejung did leave. Fuck, he shouldn't feel this way— he wanted her gone, far from him so he wouldn't feel so goddamn strangled.

But the second he averted his attention toward the door, it swung open. His expression immediately hardened the moment he saw Yugyeom's smile.

"Hey Jeongguk," Yugyeom whispered, shuffling into his room with Jae and San behind them. He tensed, nails digging crevices into his skin, jaw clenched so hard he could feel his teeth grinding.

"How are you?" San was the second to speak soft, voice equally soft. They surrounded his bed, giving him the same gentle smiles that only made his hands tremble, knuckles white.

"It's nice to see you after a while, Gguk," Yugyeom tried again, clearing his throat as Jeongguk stared down at his lap, mouth suddenly dry, heart squeezing in his chest.

"We heard you're having surgery," San murmured. "So we came here, to be with you."

"Everyone misses you," Yugyeom added, "and we do too. A lot. We just want you to be okay." Jeongguk swallowed, struggling to push the lump down his throat, for it felt like a rock digging in his neck.

"We know this situation wasn't quite expected, but we want you to know we're here for you," It was Jae who finally spoke, but even Jeongguk couldn't focus on him over the static buzzing in his ears.

"We'll be there." And that was when he began to break.

"G-Get out," Jeongguk twisted his head to the side, pressing his eyes shut, hands running up and down his arms. "Please," he croaked, "get out."

"Jeongguk, you shouldn't be alone," San began, but Jeongguk cut him off, scoffing loudly and shaking his head, chin trembling.

"Get the fuck out," Jeongguk repeated, bringing his hands to cover his face, lips parting and letting out a shaky exhale, his chest constricting. "Leave."

"Jeongguk—," Jae murmured, but he just wasn't having it. He couldn't do this anymore. They just reminded him too much... looking at them hurt.

"I don't want any of you here," He snapped, voice wavering, cracking at the edges as he forced them out. "So please, get the fuck out. I don't want to see any of your fucking faces."

"Leave me the fuck alone!"

"We're your friends," Yugyeom whispered. At that, Jeongguk forced out a laugh.

"And if you were truly friends, you'd understand that seeing all of your faces makes me want to fucking kill myself," Jeongguk spat, letting his hands fall back to his sides, brows scrunched as his eyes squeezed shut.

"I don't want you here," He seethed, words soft on his tongue, pain lacing through every vowel. "I want to be alone. I need to be alone."

"So why the fuck can't you get that?" He whispered, voice breaking. "I can't look at you without seeing that night. So please." He begged.

"Do me a favor and get the fuck out."

All of them were stunned, neither one able to find the words. Jeongguk's teeth gritted together, forcing the sobs building up his throat to go back down; he couldn't cry in front of them.

But without another sound, Yugyeom, San, and Jae filed out, just like he wanted. He didn't open his eyes until they were gone, and when he knew it was okay, he shattered, lips quivering, breath struggling to leave his mouth as a sob strangled him.

Jeongguk shoved his fingers through his hair, tugging at every matted tangle, shaking violently. He teeth clenched tight as he ran his hands down his face, tears prickling at his eyes, betraying him as they fell.

He couldn't do this.

He thought he could. He thought he could be here after it all. Jeongguk tried so goddamn hard to convince himself he couldn't breathe knowing he lost volleyball. That he could still exist in a world without the one thing he swore would be there forever.

But he couldn't. It was hard. He couldn't breathe, feeling suffocated every second, for his lungs seemed to reject the air filling into them as if it was poison.

Even lying in that bed was painful. It was tolerable, sure, but every second he spent, he wanted nothing more but to close his eyes and hope that it was the end. If volleyball left his world, he could leave his, right?

Jeongguk didn't want that though.

He wanted to be able to breathe, to exist, to be happy again. He wanted it to be easy again, to live without having to pick apart every situation and be swallowed up by pain medication couldn't take away.

He wanted to wake up like he used to all that time ago, looking forward to his day and being glad he had another chance to live. Fuck, of all times, he had to remember the happiest times of his life where he had everything he ever wanted.

And now, he had nothing. People tried to remind him that he did, but he knew, deep down, he lost it all.

He lost his life line and the reason that made life worth living.

There wasn't anything left to convince him, and this pain, god, he wanted it to fucking end. He didn't want it anymore. It hurt, and it shredded him to pieces of himself that he couldn't recognize, and with every dose of pain medication, it only worsened.

He didn't know how else to make the suffering stop. He wanted it all to just stop, and maybe then it would be easier. Maybe he would be at peace, but at the same time, it fucking terrified him.

Jeongguk didn't want to die, but if so, why was it lingering in the back of his mind? Why was it a fucking option if he didn't want it?

Was it his mind telling him this was the only way out? The only way to solve all this pain?

When Hyejung came into the room, it was silent.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I know— oh my god," A screamed ripped through Hyejung's throat. She broke down, shouting for a nurse before running to her brother's side, yelling out his name.

"Don't do this to me," Hyejung sobbed, trying to stop it as her vision blurred, every sob shredding her throat as she caved over him. "Don't do this. This isn't h-happening right now."

"Jeongguk," She shouted again, patting his cheek, trying to get him to wake up as his head lolled to the side. "Someone, fucking help him!" She called over her shoulder, unable to see through her tears.

"Don't fucking die on me, Jeongguk," She pressed her face into the side of his neck, oblivious to the nurses rushing into the room, her entire body violently shaking.

"Please, Jeongguk, you're my only brother," She wailed, cupping her hand over his cheek, not caring that it was all over her, or the fact a nurse was trying to pull her away, telling her she needed to leave.

"D-Don't leave. You can't. Please."

♡︎♡︎♡︎

Taehyung was running.

He couldn't remember what happened, except that he had to go, fast. He was working, tutoring some kids in the library with Seokjin to get some extra service hours in until he got a phone call.

He usually didn't accept phone calls, but when he checked his phone, seeing Hyejung's name flashing over the screen, he couldn't just ignore it. One look from Seokjin, he knew he had to take it.

So, he excused himself from the student and wandered over to the bookshelf, staring directly at Jin, who had stopped to focus on him while his kid solved a math problem. Taehyung didn't know what to expect, or really what to feel.

When Hyejung's voice erupted from the speaker, frenzied and manic, his brows drew together as he told her to calm down. But she couldn't, that was what she said.

He vaguely remembered asking why, only to be met by a sob. Eventually, after letting her calm down on the otherside, she told him what happened.

And he supposed that was where his world stopped.

Jeongguk tried to kill himself.

He left Jin, muttering a string of those words to him as panic and fear filled his throat, strangling him as he stumbled over his feet trying to gather his stuff and get out of there as fast as possible.

I left him in the room, and when I came back, it was bad. Really bad.

He got into his car, trying not to speed, or rather die from some dumb car accident on the fucking freeway trying to reach Jeongguk. God, he needed to see him, needed to make sure he was okay because Hyejung couldn't find out just yet.

Taehyung guessed he arrived at the hospital in record speed, even after cussing out the drivers in front of him, hands frantically carding through his hair. When he managed to park, he practically ran out of his car, sprinting to the main hospital.

He was running, for the place was massive, and he didn't know his way around it. So he scanned the crowd, trying not to collapse right then and there. All that mattered was reaching Jeongguk.

He needed to see him. He had to be alive.

When he found Hyejung, he still couldn't breathe— he didn't know how to. It was like he forgot, the only thing that allowed him to function was knowing that Jeongguk could be dead, and god, he did not want to think that.

She was sitting in the reception area, waiting for him. It wasn't too hard to spot her. All the people there were giving her looks as she paced back and forth, crimson-covered hands over the bottom half of her face, muffling her sobs.

When she glanced up at him, arms falling back to her side, Taehyung was stunned, breath hitched, not a single emotion processing in his mind seeing her disheveled hair and blood stained clothes.

Was that... his blood? His stomach dropped, bile rising up his throat.

"Taehyung," Their bodies collided together, her arms wrapping around his neck as she sobbed into his shoulder. "I-I left him for a second, and I-I was gonna apologize, b-but—,"

"It's okay," Taehyung whispered softly, arms absentmindedly wrapping around her, letting her body tremble against his, trying not to think about Jeongguk's blood getting on his uniform.

"—I-It was everywhere," Hyejung sputtered, shaking her head. "I-I should have known. I c-could have stopped him."

"Where is he right now?" He asked, voice void of any feeling. He was too numb, everything unable to settle right away, for it was too much for him to properly comprehend.

"They brought him to the psych ward. He's g-going to stay there for an additional week to be monitored and get his blood levels back up for his surgery," Hyejung sniffled, pulling away, rubbing the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"Oh god, I'm sorry. You have his blood," She whispered, staring at his chest. He glanced down to where she was pointing, and there, on his white button up, was blood. A lot of it.

"S'okay," were the only words he could muster. She nodded meekly, trying to get off Jeongguk's blood by wiping them over her already bloodied blouse. So much fucking blood.

"Maybe you should go clean up," Taehyung said softly, placing his hand on his shoulder. "A lot of people are staring, and there's a good chance we won't be able to see him for a bit."

"I know," Hyejung murmured, her voice detached from her usual self. "I-I have a spare shirt in my car."

"Sounds like a plan," Taehyung nodded. Hyejung got the idea, mumbled something about coming back, and walked off toward the exit to go clean herself up, leaving him alone.

It wasn't long, however, until somebody tapped his shoulder, and there were Yugyeom, San, and Jae, all of their expressions hard and unreadable probably like his own. Perhaps even stunned.

"You must of heard, huh," Yugyeom was the first to speak, but he did so quietly, as if the situation stripped him of his usual volume. He nodded.

"We were just there," San whispered, fidgeting with his hands over his lap. "He was so angry with us, and we left him to give him some space. M-maybe we should have stayed."

"It would have pissed him off more," Jae told his cousin, staring down at the ground, refusing to meet anyone of their gazes. "We did what we had to. We couldn't have known."

"It was unexpected," Yugyeom murmured, getting a few nods from the others. "But it happened. Is he okay?" They all looked up at him, all desperate for an answer.

"He's staying in the psych ward for a whole week to be monitored," Taehyung told them, still unable to really grasp a grip of himself, for he felt like he was floating.

"We probably can't see him until then." He swallowed, his heart dully aching. Neither one of them spoke, a kind of heavy silence enveloping the four of them. There was nothing to say.

That was, until Taehyung cleared his throat and said, "Was he really struggling that much?"

"He wasn't in a good place when we saw him," Jae said after some time. Taehyung barely nodded his head, the reality of the situation suddenly sinking in, leaving his body frigid, empty.

"It makes sense, though," Jae added in a whisper. "He lost volleyball."

"His life," Taehyung filled in for him, knowing the truth as much as he did, "entirely revolved around volleyball."

Yugyeom sniffled, whipping his head to the side. He glanced over at him, noticing the tears prickle at his eyes and roll down his cheeks. He tried to get them to stop, but he couldn't, his clenched jaw quivering.

San leaned against Yugyeom's shoulder, wrapping his arms around him, staring blankly at the ground, tears of his own glossing over his eyes.

Yugyeom turned around, having to arch over as they held one another. Jae, on the otherhand, remained silent, expression as hollow as he probably felt.

Taehyung didn't know what to feel, but he guessed he was crying. His face was wet, and his heart was constricted, squeezing tight in his chest. It hurt, aching only faintly even though he swore he was being stabbed multiple times.

However, it was the kind of pain that was too much to truly register, only to be fully felt when it settled in hours later in the darkness of his dorm.

When Hyejung came back, she was cleaner. There wasn't a single trace of blood on her, and her shirt was replaced for a black blouse. Her eyes were rimmed red, and occasionally she'd sniffle, but it seemed she had news.

They all looked up, waiting patiently for an answer, for some closure they all wanted. The good kind, hopefully.

"He's stable," Hyejung breathed out, "and it's only family who can see him. You guys can't for a week."

"That's okay," Jae seemed to be the one who spoke for the others. "We'll get going then. Jeongguk needs to get some rest."

"I'll call all of you when you can come by," She waved half-heartedly as Jae, San, and Yugyeom sulked toward the exit, their shoulders still slumped, carrying the weight of this day.

Eventually, it left behind Taehyung and Hyejung, and he supposed he should get going too. He wiped away at his tears, breathing out shakily, but before he could leave, Hyejung grabbed his wrist.

"I entered you as a family member," Hyejung said softly. "You can go see him. You're like family to us anyways." At that, Taehyung's heart swelled but not in the way it should have been.

"Do you wanna come with me to see him?" She asked, loosening her grip around his wrist. "He's sedated, I think. We don't know when he'll wake up."

"Sure," Taehyung murmured, nodding weakly. It was then, did he begin to suffocate within his own body, but he tried to ignore it.

He took Hyejung's hand in his, giving her an assuring squeeze, and together, they walked to the elevators.

The psychiatric ward was on the otherside of the hospital, making it quite the walk to reach where they wanted to go. Nobody said a word, which he was grateful for, because he wasn't sure if he could properly talk without breaking down.

God, he just couldn't comprehend that this really happened. He was still stunned, not even sure if he was actually walking but floating right now. Floating on a fucking cloud void of any emotions. That was how it felt.

When they got on the elevator and to the psych floor, their hands were still intertwined as though they were supporting one another. He was thankful they held onto each other— it made things easier as it could possibly be.

Hyejung had to let go, and he swore he couldn't breathe when she did, but he told himself to get a grip of himself. All she was doing was signing them in, and once she was done, she handed him a visitor sticker and off they went.

The psych ward wasn't as scary as he imagined it to be. It was like the rest of the hospital, filled with the same beep of machines and the occasional person walking around, doing rounds.

Taehyung wasn't sure why he was afraid to come here. Nothing was out of the ordinary. It was filled with people who needed help like the others. There wasn't anything wrong with being in the psych ward.

Jeongguk's room was at the end of a hallway. When Hyejung talked to the doctor for some time, and once it was over, she gestured him inside.

It was dark, for the windows were covered by thick curtains. There were a few potted plants, and some paintings, he supposed, were to help calm patients down. They stopped, however, by the front of the room, both of them too stunned to believe it was Jeongguk in front of them.

After gathering the courage to walk up to him, he joined his side on the opposite end, approaching him slowly, fearing he'd wake him up even though he was sedated.

Fuck, he was just so peaceful. It was too artifical, unreal. There was no crease between his brows like he remembered, no occasional twitch of his lips that looked like a smile. His face was at ease, albeit pale and his eyes were dark and hollowed— even though they were shut.

Taehyung ran his fingers over the bedside, trying to get himself to believe that this was Jeongguk lying in this bed. This pale, vulnerable body was the boy he still loved. There was nothing different about him, except that he was hurting. A lot.

His breath hitched seeing the thick bandages around both of his wrists, the faintest stain of blood on them. Taehyung ripped his gaze away from them, feeling his heart surge.

"Is your family coming?" Taehyung asked to quickly move on, watching as Hyejung covered her mouth, stiffling the sob she nearly let out seeing him like this.

"They're on their way. My dad will him later. He has the girls, and we don't want them seeing him like this," Hyejung explained. "It'd be too much for them."

"I understand," He whispered. He watched as Hyejung slowly got onto the bed, staring directly at her brother's face as she curled up into his side.

She rested her head on his pillow, hand reaching out to take his in her own and entangling their fingers together. She glanced up at Taehyung, who was idle by the sides, not wanting to be intrude. But she gave him a nod, encouraging him to lie down.

So he did, getting on the bed on Jeongguk's other side. He was careful not to hurt him, and when he did fit himself in the slot beside him, it was then did he start to really cry. He sniffed softly, hesitatant to grab and hold onto his hand.

God, he didn't know what to do, or how to really feel.

He rested there, on his side, staring at Jeongguk's side profile. Hyejung's eyes were squeezed shut, her brows knitted together as she seemed to focus on Jeongguk's breathing, the only evidence that he was truly alive and right there with them.

They stayed like this, unmoving, trying to silent their own breathing to focus on Jeongguk's shallow ones. Taehyung didn't know what else to do when seeing Jeongguk like this rendered him stunned.

"When I injured myself, I never considered this."

Hyejung whispered after an hour of lying in silence. Taehyung glanced over at her, seeing her eyes were opened, her other hand reaching over to stroke her brother's cheek.

"To be honest, the only reason I was so closed off was because I was afraid to disappoint my family. I didn't have any direction. I wasn't even planning to go to college," Hyejung murmured.

"And so, when I got hurt, I ignored everyone, even my brother for three years to figure out my life after volleyball," She admitted truthfully.

"But for Gguk, he never imagined a life after it. I can see why he did it. He must have felt so... alone, and I wasn't approaching him right," Her voice broke as she squeezed her brother's hand.

"This wasn't your fault," Taehyung said, "This is nobody's fault." Hyejung shook her head, biting at her lip.

"I know. If he felt like this was the only way out at the moment, I couldn't judge him, but I wish he didn't do it," Hyejung whispered. "I saw him grow up. I don't want to see him die."

"Me either," He agreed, leaning into the pillow, sucking in a shaky breath as his shoulder lightly bumped into Jeongguk's. "But he's okay now."

"For now," Hyejung said, "but he needs somebody. I don't think I can be that person for him, Tae."

"What do you mean?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at her. "You're his sister."

"And there's only so much he'd let his sister know," Hyejung whispered back. "Jeongguk needs somebody, and I think that person should be you."

"Hyejung-ssi, you know we broke up," Taehyung said, trying to roll onto his back as he stared up at the ceiling, swallowing.

"I can't be that person for him anymore." We used to be each other's person, he bit his inner cheek.

"Jeongguk's friends told me about what happened ," Hyejung said. "The two of you were in the wrong, but Tae, it was one big misunderstanding that needs one long conversation."

"Sure, you hurt one another, but you also need closure to heal."

"You don't have to be boyfriends right away, or have some sudden epiphany. You're both young and new to relationships. Of course you're gonna fuck up," She whispered, noticing him shift uneasily on his side.

"M'not trying to force you to talk to him. You can leave before he wakes up. You don't even have to be his person. But I want you to know that Jeongguk was the happiest with you," Hyejung murmured.

"He was?" Taehyung asked, a knot raveling in his throat. Hyejung nodded.

"He loved you and took you more seriously than anything else."

He glanced over at Jeongguk between them, chest tight, suddenly being flooded with the memories of being this close to him in the darkness of their dorm, holding onto one another as they traced each other's features and shared shitty jokes.

Taehyung would be lying if he said he didn't miss him. He spent so much time with him, not even realizing how Jeongguk had woven into every second of his day until he lost him.

He missed his bunny-toothed smile, and his stupid jokes that ended with the cutest of laughs. He missed the way his hand fit perfectly into his, the callouses of his own rough against his soft palm. All of his stories, his passions, and the way a whole universe existed in his eyes— that was Jeongguk.

Sure, he made a whole new routine without him, but in the back of his mind, it would never be the same. There wasn't a Jeongguk by his side to tell him what was on his mind, or to share their food, or to study together.

He thought they didn't know how to be friends, so it made sense if they weren't anything after the break up.

He looked back at it, seeing all the questionable things they did, and he did truly believe that maybe they weren't really friends— just people who happened to be around one another and share benefits.

But it was all a delusion. They were the best of friends.

They spent every waking second together, whether it be clowning Jeongguk for his cereal obsession, going to every class with a new story to tell, remembering the little details about each other, and trying new things together.

Even if they couldn't ever be the same, Taehyung admitted that he was the happiest around Jeongguk. He made his day with just his presence. Together, he never felt alone. Jeongguk just made sense.

Jeongguk was his best friend. He was his always, his other half, and his person.

And Taehyung was so fucking madly in love with him, he wasn't ever going to lose him again.

The two of them fell silent, neither one saying a word as time seemed to pass by with Jeongguk sleeping peacefully between them. It was a different kind. The type where it wasn't tense but the three of them were simply content, at ease for once.

Jeongguk was okay. That was all that mattered.

Eventually, Hyejung told him she had to get up two hours later. She mentioned something about getting food and water for them, and with a nod of his head, Taehyung watched as she dragged her feet out of the room.

Once she shut the door, it was just the two of them again.

He exhaled softly, twisting onto his side to get a better look of Jeongguk now that his sister wasn't here. His hair was a bit longer, the strands falling into curls right above his cheekbone.

Taehyung almost reached out, fingers splayed to touch his cheek, to feel his presence as if to make sure he was truly real. He bit down on his lip, hesitating, but he supposed it wouldn't hurt if he was sedated, right?

His heart squeezed in the cavern of his chest while he brushed his fingers over the soft skin of his cheek. Taehyung gulped, head suddenly spinning, hand retreating back as if he touched a flame.

It had been so long. It had been so fucking long, and my god, he didn't how to feel. He held his breath, lips curving into the smallest of grins as he gathered the courage to run his thumb over his cheek.

"Hi there," Taehyung started, voice wobbly, hand trembling. "It's been awhile. It's your Taehyung."

His smile faltered, the tears that had stopped ages ago returning, prickling, stinging at his eyes as he let out yet another pained exhale. He reached over, brushing Jeongguk's hair behind his ear.

"I missed you a lot," Taehyung whispered, stroking the back of his fingers up and down the side of his face. "I miss you every single day."

"And," He inhaled sharply, hand freezing before cupping the entirety of his cheek, thumb caressing the bone.

"I'm so sorry, my love."

Taehyung leaned forward, pressing his forehead into the side of Jeongguk's head, trying to inhale his familiar scent. God, it felt like returning home after being away from it for so long. Who knew it would still feel like this as he shifted closer, body molding into his.

"I'm so sorry for being an idiot," He whispered over the tears, a thick lump forming in his throat. "I hurt you. I told you I never would, and I did."

"I never meant to hurt you. I was being stupid and petty and irritating. You didn't deserve that," He murmured, gently squeezing his cheek. "If you had to choose volleyball over me, I'd be so happy for you, Gguk. I'd be the happiest."

"So please, hang on. I want to see you happy again," Taehyung sniffled, vision blurred as he stared down at the sleeping boy. "Please, if it's hurting tell me."

He grabbed his hand, entangling their fingers together. Taehyung forced his lips into a smile, trying hard not to break apart, to lose it all right then and there because he had everything. His everything was still right in front of him.

"Don't do this again, okay?" He cried, smile falling apart. "You have so much more to live for, but if you really want to leave us early, I don't blame you. But if it hurts, tell someone, okay?"

"If it hurts, I'll do whatever to make it feel better. I'm not gonna leave you even if you choose to l-leave me," Taehyung hung his head, tears falling from his eyes, squeezing his hand.

"I told you always, remember? You are my always."

"You, Jeon Jeongguk, are my always," Taehyung repeated, shaking his head as his tears slipped from his chin and onto Jeongguk's cheek.

"And," He whispered shakily, untangling their hands to swipe at the tears off Jeongguk's cheek. "I love you. I've loved you ever since the day at the train station. When you kissed me goodbye and gave me your scarf, which I still have, I loved you when you got on that damned train."

"I will love you, whether you choose to stay or leave, okay? You don't have to make the decision now, but know I'll love you and accept whatever you choose to do," Taehyung leaned forward, kissing his forehead.

"Taehyung?"

He pulled away, eyes widening seeing the younger stir below him. Taehyung's eyebrows scrunched together, lips trembling, chin quivering as he let out a sniffle in between his tears.

Jeongguk's brows drew together but eventually, his eyes peeled open, those big, doe eyes of his staring right back at his own. Taehyung crumbled seeing they were empty, not a single star in existence.

"I-I'm sorry," Jeongguk started, voice weak, barely audible. He shook his head, gently squeezing his cheek, watching as the younger leaned into it.

"Don't be," Taehyung whispered, "You were hurting. You don't have to apologize for that, alright?"

"I'm sorry," Jeongguk repeated. The older leaned forward, pressing their foreheads against one another's, exhaling shakily as he felt Jeongguk's hand rest on his hip.

"I heard it all."

"You did?" Taehyung asked, face warming up, pulling back to get a better look at his beautiful face.

Jeongguk nodded, wincing slightly. Worry flooded Taehyung's features, but the younger patted his hip, assuring it was fine.

"I did," He whispered, staring up at him. "I'm sorry I was an idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot."

"We're both idiots," Taehyung chuckled softly, the smile he wore barely able to hold. "But it's okay. We know better. Are you okay, though?"

"Wrists hurt. Feel a bit loopy," Jeongguk muttered, only to be met with a kiss on the forehead from the older. Taehyung snuggled up closer to him, letting go of his face to curl his arm around his shoulders.

"I missed you Tae," Jeongguk whispered, "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too," Taehyung said, resting his head in the crook of Jeongguk's neck. "I'm glad you're awake."

"Me too," The younger admitted, draping his arm over Taehyung, leaning his cheek on the top of his pillowy black locks.

"Honestly, I thought I was dead when I heard you. I couldn't believe it. Thought I was hearing angels."

"It's all real," Taehyung sighed, hand now resting over his chest, feeling content at the beat of his heart right beneath his finger tips. He was alive, god, he was really alive.

"I know," Jeongguk said. Taehyung craned his head up, smiling faintly as the younger looked down at him. "I know it is because you're all warm."

"I am?" Taehyung asked, raising an eyebrow at him. Jeongguk nodded.

"And also because I can talk to you," Jeongguk grinned a little. Although it was a smile, and he swore it could have been a wince, it was positive.

"You don't have to right now. You should be resting," Taehyung said, running his hand down his chest. "It's been a long day."

"I need to tell you something though," Jeongguk murmured, voice still a little rasped. It was deeper than usual, probably from the sedative.

"It can wait," Taehyung said, gently flicking his chin. "Go to sleep." Jeongguk shook his head. "Don't be hard headed. Sleep, you went through—,"

"— Don't leave me."

Taehyung's heart stopped. He studied the younger's features closer, wondering if he was hearing things right, but he wasn't. Jeongguk slowly lifted his hand up, wincing slightly, but he wasn't content until his palm cupped Taehyung's cheek.

"Don't leave, please. It hurts less when you're here," He whispered softly, thumb running over the edge of his lip. "Please stay."

"Alright," Taehyung said without much thought. "I'll stay," He repeated, relaxing in Jeongguk's arms, remembering the familiar feeling of being this close to him.

"I'll be okay, right Tae?" Jeongguk asked, and god, his expression was so broken, like a little child's. It made Taehyung's heart rise into his throat seeing him this pained, and all he wanted to do was take it away.

"You'll be okay," Taehyung assured him, placing his own hand over his. "You'll be okay."

"I'll be okay," Jeongguk repeatedly his words softly, eyes slowly falling shut as his hand went limp. The older carefully lowered it back down, their now intertwined fingers resting on his chest.

"Yes you will," Taehyung said, feeling the younger's breathing shallow, exhaustion taking him back once more. Their bodies fit perfectly together as he pressed into him, exhaling in content.

"Will we be okay?" Jeongguk asked groggily, half asleep. Taehyung gently squeezed his hand, bringing his knuckles to his lips, brushing his lips over it into the softest of kisses.

"We will," He promised, meaning every single word as Jeongguk fell asleep. Taehyung kissed his knuckles again, running his thumb over them.

"We will be okay," He said, again, and this time, he believed it. He truly did.

♡♡♡

this book really is ending, but
hey, i want to say congratulations!
we got through the angst! it's all good
from here, i promise (: they'll be okay

i really appreciate those who stuck
with this book & me as we approached these hard times,, and i'd love to hear your
overall thoughts on htt!! 💛💛

I love you guys & i'll see you in the
countdown to the end (: