five chapters left
thank you for hanging on still🥺

♡♡♡

"What the fuck happened Taehyung?" Jin burst past the door where Jimin stood, bolting right to his friend who was on his couch, crying silently to himself beneath the blanket Jimin wrapped him in.

"Thanks for taking him in," Hoseok glanced over at Jimin, the two staring at one another for a moment until the older cleared his throat. "I heard Jeongguk kicked him out."

"It's nothing," Jimin shut the door, looking at anywhere but Hoseok, "Go support your friend. He needs the both of you." He said before walking off to his room, ice pack on his face.

Taehyung sniffled, feeling Seokjin's arms wrap around him and bring him close. He rested his head on the older's shoulder, teeth digging down on his bottom lip to keep it from trembling, but the second Jin started to stroke his hair, he broke apart.

Fuck, it still hurt, even though it had been a week since their breakup, Taehyung felt like something was ripped out of his chest and left him to bleed out. He'd never been this consumed by pain, and yet, all of it was his fault.

"Fuck that Jeongguk guy," Jin murmured, brushing Taehyung's hair out of his eyes while the younger cried in his embrace. Hoseok, on the otherhand, sat on the other side of him.

"Nobody can break your fucking heart. God, I thought I could trust him but he's just like the rest of his asshole friends," Jin snapped, rubbing his hand up and down Taehyung's shuddering back.

"I knew we shouldn't have let you get involved with their bunch," Seokjin whispered lowly, "Look what happened with Hoseok. That Min Yoongi was a fucking asshat. I don't care what Hobi tells you."

"Hyung, don't," Hoseok sighed, "We're past that. Right now we're focusing on Taehyung." He reached over, hand resting on his shoulder.

"We can go beat him up right now. I got time," He suggested, though there was no humor present in his voice. "That little shit hurt you, Tae."

"I-It wasn't his fault," Taehyung managed out in between sobs that left his throat raw. He curled into a ball by Jin's side.

"D-Don't hurt him."

"But he hurt you," Seokjin scoffed, hugging him tighter. "What do you want us to do? Cut his dick off? Snap his arms?"

"I-I mean it," Taehyung sniffled, wiping at his nose witth the sleeve of his hoodie. Well, it was actually Jeongguk's hoodie, and he put it on without thinking much, for he missed him terribly to point that even his smell was a little bit of comfort. 

He shouldn't have let it become this way. He knew wearing his hoodie after breaking up with him was probably really pathetic, but he missed him. God, he missed him, the longer he spent away from him ripped him to shreds.

Taehyung would have traded anything to be in his arms again, to hug him close, and bury his face in the real thing. He wanted it to be Jeongguk that was holding him, telling him everything would be okay because they had eachother, and kissing away his tears.

Never did he imagine he would be crying over him and losing him all at the same time.

But this was what he deserved for fucking it all up. He didn't deserve Jeon Jeongguk after lying to him, failing to listen to him, and not making things work when they promised they would.

This was what happened when you didn't try hard enough. Taehyung knew that now.

"I hurt Jeongguk," Taehyung whispered brokenly, the words catching in his throat. "I broke his trust."

"What do you mean?" Hoseok asked. Taehyung exhaled unevenly, pushing off of Seokjim to sit up, feeling both of their concerned stares fixing on him.

"We fought over volleyball," Taehyung explained weakly, eyes blurred with his own tears as he hung his head, staring at his lap. "He had to go to Japan a lot, so we wouldn't be able to see one another. Then I guess he had to make a choice between us."

"And I thought he chose volleyball, and I thought I was okay with it," His voice wavered. "But i-it got so hard to be together, and w-we never sat down and talked. I-I regret n-not listening, n-not talking."

"I m-miss Jeongguk," He cried out, hands covering his face while his shoulders trembled, hot, burning tears falling into his palms. "I-I hurt him."

"And you two got to the point where breaking up felt like it was the only choice left," Seokjin said softly, running his hand up and down Taehyung's back soothingly while he sobbed against him.

"Oh Tae," Hoseok shook his head, reaching over and wrapping his arm around his waist before hooking his chin over his shoulder. "It's okay. You'll both come out of this alright."

"If so, then w-why does it still hurt?" Taehyung sobbed, the tremor wrecking through his body, crushing his heart over and over again.

God, he was helpless, weak. There was nothing he could do but cry, for every time he tried to speak, he would remember Jeongguk's face and break apart all over again.

Every word was a struggle, choking him up and making that prickle behind his eyes burn, because everything reminded him about Jeongguk.

Even though when Jeongguk was busy all those weeks, nothing could compare to the emptiness he felt now that Jeongguk was truly gone.

Any funny joke he heard or saw made him think of how Jeongguk would react, how he would smile that bunny-tooth grin of his. Taehyung couldn't even sleep without hugging anything, 'cause if he did, the coldness beside him would remind him that there was no Jeongguk to hold onto.

He hadn't drank or eaten much. For a week, he spent on Jimin's couch, only getting up to do assignments or go to class, just to come back and stare at the wall for a few hours either extremely pissed off, or feeling broken beyond repair.

This was the first time he really talked to people. Not even Jimin approached him, but he understood. The two of them knew Taehyung wasn't in the right state to talk about it, especially to him.

But now, after crying for days on end all on his own, and the void in his chest had came to a stop from eating him from the inside out, maybe it was time.

Maybe it was time to let it all out.

"Messy breakups happen," Seokjin murmured, "and all you can do is work on moving on. You'll look back at this and laugh, Tae. You will get better on your own, and you'll find another love when you've grown some more."

"But H-hyung he was the one though," He whispered, wrecked. "N-nothing, n-nobody could beat J-Jeongguk."

"And I just lost him," He stared down at his shaking palms, struggling to breathe properly through the sobs that filtered in and out of him.

"I-I lost him, and I'll never g-get him back."

"Don't say that Tae," Jin mumbled, "You guys had something special, I'll admit that. I don't think this will end your entire relationship."

"Before this you two were best friends," Hoseok pulled back, hand squeezing his side. "Maybe now, it feels like it's over, but who knows. Maybe you two just need some time apart to figure yourselves out on your own before committing to something greater."

"He was quite the better friend to you than Jin and I recently." He said, something like sadness flashing in his eyes though Taehyung knew it wasn't for him.

"Y-you guys were busy," Taehyung's brows drew together. "I-I knew you guys needed to work. Y-you don't have to apologize at all."

"Yeah, but we should have been there," Seokjin cut in. "We should have supported you and stepped in seeing you guys fight. I... should have helped."

"We knew this was your first relationship," Hoseok mumbled, "and we should have given you help 'cuz it gets overwhelming sometimes. We're sorry, Tae, for not being around."

"It's okay," He frowned, grabbing both of their hands  into his own. "This wasn't your fault. All of it was mine. In the end, I hurt him, not you guys."

"I-I didn't put any effort," Taehyung murmured, swallowing thickly. I regret that now.

"But at least you learned your lesson, right?" Hoseok asked, to which Taehyung nodded slowly at. "Then that's all that matters, Tae. That you learned what you did wrong, and now you can think of what you can do better."

"B-But Jeongguk," He inhaled unevenly, something  sharp poking into his heart. He squeezed his friend's hands, struggling to breathe properly, "w-won't ever look at me after this."

"H-he told me he didn't want to see me ever again."

"You two just need some time Tae," Seokjin ran his thumb over his fingers, tone softening. "It could be days. Weeks. Months. Years before Jeongguk can forgive you, before you can forgive him."

"Because this," Jin gestured at their situation, "Isn't just your fault. Jimin caught us up with it over phone while we were on our way, and honestly, both of you aren't in the place right now to fix things if you can't even fix your own shit."

"Jeongguk may love volleyball, but he needs to learn to put time into the people he loves," Hoseok brushed Taehyung's hair behind his ear.

"And you need to start listening more and not letting your head get to you because Tae, that boy loves you and you love him. But you need to love yourself first before loving him back."

"Loved," Taehyung shook his head, biting down hard on his bottom lip, pinching the skin between his teeth. "He loved me." I don't love me.

"Tae, you need to stop beating yourself eventually," Seokjin shook his hand, brows knitting together. "It may seem like everything sucks right now, but you hear us? It will get better."

Taehyung shook his head, pulling his hands away from his friends. Instead, he moved his legs up, pressing them close to his chest and winding his arms around them, hugging his legs closes as he buried his face between his knees.

Talking should have made him feel lighter, at least. It should have patched some of the holes in his heart, but at this point, he wasn't so sure if they could be fixed.

Yeah, he was probably acting dramatic, but nothing could possibly hurt as worse as this. Nothing could tear a person apart the same way losing a friend and a lover could.

Nothing could ruin him more than not being able to see Jeongguk every day, happy even if it was without him.

"When I dated Yoongi, I felt like this too," Hoseok cleared his throat a few moments after a thick veil of silence enveloped the room. Taehyung froze, slightly lifting his head up to meet the older's gaze.

"I felt like my world stopped."

The smile on Hoseok's lips didn't quite match the pain lingering in his eyes. The older nodded once, and that was when he knew what he was going to say. Taehyung wiped at his eyes with the bottom of his palm, trying to listen, to get a grip of himself.

"Everybody says we ended things on mutual terms. That's what we let out to other people that our break up was clean and fast," Hoseok continued, leaning back into the couch, gaze averted to the ceiling.

"That wasn't true," He licked his lips. "It was messy. Just as messy and painful as this. We fought over different things, but we did hurt one another. He hurt me, and eventually I started to hurt him back because I was pissed."

"So we broke up. I broke up with Yoongi because I couldn't deal with his constant push and pull. One day he loved me, and the next he didn't. He was always away either physically or mentally," Hoseok said ever so softly that it was almost a whisper.

"And when I ended it, I was broken. I thought Yoongi was the greatest love of my life," Hoseok
murmured, tensing beside the youngest.

"He was mine, but I wasn't his."

"Hyung," Taehyung placed his hand over the older's hand on his thigh, lips pursed into a frown. The older simply shook his head and sighed.

"What I'm trying to say is look at me, I'm okay. You will come out of this as a better person. Sometimes if you're not growing together, you have to cut yourself off to grow on your own," Hoseok laced his fingers with his.

"You need to figure out yourself, and so does Jeongguk before you two can consider trying again."

"Trying again?" Taehyung's brows furrowed. Hoseok nodded, squeezing his hand as the edges of his mouth creased upward into a gentle smile.

"While I wasn't Yoongi's love, you're Jeongguk's," He whispered, grip tight on his own. "Before this, you guys were best friends." He said firmly.

"Even though being a couple didn't work out, your friendship is too special to throw away."

"We're not saying go back and apologize right now," Seokjin piped in, noticing how Taehyung's face fell. "It's obvious both of you need time apart. Things will get better eventually, and when you're both ready, then you can figure out your next move."

"It isn't the end of the world, Tae," He threw his arm around him, pulling him close to his chest, hand ruffling his hair. Taehyung chuckled softly, unable to keep the small smile from unfolding over his lips.

God, he was so thankful for them. After all these years, Hoseok and Seokjin were the only ones who stayed by his side even when he was difficult to deal with and the insecurities ate him up.

They were his safety net; if he fell, they were there to put him back up on his feet with a push. Without them, he wouldn't be sure if he would be here, for they were the only people that kept him going, that kept him afloat when the bullying drowned him.

These two were his best friends. While he thought he had nothing left, they always reminded him that he did. He had them.

And maybe that was all he needed right now.

"Both of you will move on and grow up," Hoseok murmured, running his thumb over his knuckles as the crying subsided to tiny sniffles and the three of them were satisifed with cuddling on the couch.

"And from there, you'll decide what to do next. You don't have to jump into things right away," Jin said.

"But please don't let this stop you right now. You shouldn't even be crying over boys," He gently nudged Taehyung's side, smirking.

"Trust me, it's not worth it Tae," Hoseok let out a laugh, eyes crinkling.

"At least you're not crying over skinny pale boys with chopsticks for legs."

"Shut up," Taehyung giggled, playfully swatting his hyungs. He sighed softly, letting them sandwich him between their bodies into another bone crushing hug.

Eventually, though the pain still left his chest aching, it didn't hurt as much as it did. Somehow, being there with his friends, in their embrace, and listening to Jin and Hoseok's shitty jokes seemed to make things easier even though it was for a moment.

He would never truly forget this— Jeongguk was his first boyfriend, the first person he ever truly loved. He was his everything, his always, his person, and most importantly his best friend.

He was engraved into every part of him, and sure, while time might make those marks fade and perhaps maybe those marks would be covered by another's, he would never forget the way Jeongguk made him feel.

And while things used to feel hopeless, he realized that maybe it will get better. They would get better one day. It might not be now, or tomorrow, but there would be a time where they could talk it out and forgive one another.

But in the mean time, Jin and Hoseok were right. He made mistakes, and so did Jeongguk, and now that he experienced the consequences, this was his time to make up for it.

One day, they would be okay again, and this pain settling heavy in his heart would disappear into a bittersweet memory, but now, all that was left for Taehyung to do was move on.

And hopefully, Jeongguk would too.

♡♡♡

Even though the whistle blew, Jeongguk didn't have the power in him to stop.

The last week, he wasn't sure what was happening around him anymore, for time seemed to have lost all of its fucking meaning, and most of his days consisted of the same thing in order to avoid that pain he managed to shove to the bottom of his mind.

The hours he spent at the gym practicing volleyball until his palms were numb on top of the hours he wasted away sitting at school blended into a blur of nothingness. His body did as he told it, and he did it without much thought.

Jeongguk didn't want to think, because he knew if he did, if he dwelled on the pain eating him up piece by piece, then he would spiral. He would lose focus, or rather, the last bit of control he harbored to stay together.

There was nobody else holding him together. He was alone, and if he wasn't careful, he would fall apart.

And once he fell apart, he wasn't sure if he knew how to put himself back together again.

So, he packed his schedule and made this routine. He would go to class, sit in the very back and will himself to blend around those who made the back their homes, and the second class got out, he ran to the gym to avoid seeing anybody.

When practice was over, he made some excuse to stay later, to work on techniques he thought could use more perfecting. He promised he would go home to his friends, only to lie and stay at the gym, for he refused to go back to an empty dorm.

Because he knew, if he went back, he would break. Shatter, even. Every single fucking painful memory would resurface, and all of his efforts to push aside those thoughts would invade and tear him apart.

He would remember what he didn't want to, to feel what could destroy him. He would picture him and miss him, miss him so much he wanted nothing more but to hold him, to kiss him, to feel his laughter on his skin, to feel his body curve into his, and the smile on his lips pressed against his own.

So, he didn't go back; he repressed it. It was school, gym, repeat, and nothing more.

It worked, well, until Jae, Yugyeom, and San checked on him, but he couldn't bear to see the concern in their eyes, so he forced on a smile and told him he was okay before playing again.

Volleyball. That was all he had time for. That was all he could do without feeling like absolute shit. He could pour it all out into the court, pour as much as he wanted to until the pain suffocated him and he swallowed it back down.

He swallowed it back down even if he choked, even if it was too painful to hide. He didn't want to talk about it, to face it, because to him, that would be the thing that would hurt the most.

He could take the numbing pain of volleyball on his muscles, his legs, and his arms over and over again, but never could he take the pain of losing Taehyung.

"Jeongguk, coach ended practice," Yugyeom walked up to him, voice soft and pitiful, and god Jeongguk wanted to tune him out before he would lose it.

He ignored him, wiping the sweat off his forehead and reaching down to grab another ball. But before he could, Yugyeom snatched it. Jeongguk glanced up at him, not a single word leaving his swollen throat.

"I think you should go home," Yugyeom said, his words static, ringing in his ears before falling out without much consideration.

"Give me the ball," Jeongguk managed to force out, the words like lead on his cemented tongue. "I want to practice."

"You've practiced enough," The younger retorted. "Go home, Jeongguk. Take a break. We've been easy on you, but it's been a week. You're worrying us."

"Let me practice," He repeated, expression blank as he stood up, arms pressed to his sides. Yugyeom simply shook his head.

"Go home," He said again, tone firm. "If not, come with me. Let's grab some food and talk if you want."

"Just give me the volleyball," He whispered, voice wavering. He curled his fingers into fists, willing himself not to tremble, not to break, to not feel the pain again.

He feared to even close his eyes, knowing if he did, he would see him. He would picture his tanned features that imprinted into his mind, the tears on his face, and the hurt that flashed through his eyes as Jeongggk said those words.

It looks like you're temporary, just like the rest.

I don't think I can come back to you anymore.

I don't know who you are anymore.

I'm breaking up with you.

I don't want to see you ever again.

We're over.

"Jeongguk," Yugyeom started, "please. I'm worried. Jae's worried. San has been worrying nonstop. We need to make sure—,"

"— Just give me the fucking ball!" He shouted, teeth gritting and jaw clenching tight along with his fingers, his nails digging into his palm. Yugyeom flinched, and after realizing what he did, Jeongguk's shoulders fell.

"Give it," Jeongguk whispered hoarsely, staring hard at the ground as his chest squeezed, lungs suddenly tight. "Please."

"I'll play with you," Yugyeom said after some time, the younger's gaze fixed on him. "How does that sound?"

Jeongguk lifted his head to meet his eyes, only to nod before taking his place on the other side of the net.

Yugyeom spun the ball on his palm, narrowed eyes focusing where Jeongguk stood, bent down, legs slightly spread apart, feet planted firmly and hands out ready to receive. The younger said nothing and did what he promised to do.

It was different, playing one on one. There was a lot more space, vulnerable spots, they called them, and the people who mattered were just the two of them. There were no other players to rely on, to blame your mistakes on.

It was just you and them, and the ball.

You had to work together to keep the rally. The point of volleyball was to not let the ball touch the ground, for you lose the point, and maybe you could lose the match if you let the ball fall too often, too carelessly.

If you didn't try, you would lose it all. If you tried your hardest, you could win, or still even lose, but at least you knew you tried your hardest.

Jeongguk lost, and he knew he didn't try his hardest. He didn't play hard enough, hell, he even blamed his faults on people who weren't even on the court. He didn't take the fall, he didn't put the effort, and he certainly didn't fight.

He let the ball drop, constantly, carelessly. This wasn't one of those matches where he was okay with losing, because he knew deep down that he didn't try.  

He let it all fall apart without a single fucking care.

And perhaps, that was why he put it all into this stupid match. He dove for every ball, receiving it, setting it up, and slamming it back to Yugyeom over and over until fatigue wore his muscles down.

He didn't know why he was frustrated, or rather, he did, but he didn't want to think. He wanted to keep going, to keep hitting, to keep moving even if his body couldn't keep up.

"Fuck," He cursed loudly, falling to receive the ball Yugyeom hit in his direction. The ball rolled off the side, the two of them staring at it while their heavy panting filled the room.

"Jeongguk, maybe we should stop," Yugyeom ran his fingers through his hair, checking the clock. "It's almost dark, and we've been at it for two hours."

"No," Jeongguk said, walking over to the pole and grabbing one of the spare balls he set there prior to their game. "I'm not done."

"Well I am," Yugyeom said, "and you should be too. God knows how long you'll stay here if I don't get you out. C'mon—,"

"No," He whispered, dribbling the ball in front of him, trying to hide the sounds of his uneven breaths behind the slam of the ball on polished floors.

"I'm gonna stay back."

"Jeongguk, you know we're here for you," Yugyeom placed his hands on his hips, striding toward the net to where Jeongguk stood behind. "If you're hurting, it's okay to let it out."

"I'm fine," He said curtly, unblinking, "now are you gonna play or not?"

"You can't just tell me, Gguk, that you're doing wonderfully after breaking up with the guy you spent every day with for almost eight months."

"Well what if I am?" Jeongguk scoffed, catching the ball and squeezing it between his palms, feeling the cool leather press into his numbed skin.

"We both know he meant a lot to you," He said, gesturing at him. "It's okay to be hurt. It's okay to cry, Jeongguk. It's okay to be in pain right now."

"I don't want to talk about it," Jeongguk whispered, fingers digging into the sides of the ball, his hands beginning to tremble.

"Then that's okay too," Yugyeom lifted the net, easily ducking under it before coming up once more. "But you can't just keep holding it in, Gguk."

"You have to let it out eventually."

"There's nothing to let out," He murmured, body tensing when Yugyeom stopped in front of him. "I'm doing f-fine." He lied, choking on his words.

"Jeongguk," Yugyeom sighed, placed his hand over his shoulder, staring down at the older. "You guys broke up on the worst terms. It's going to hurt for a while, but you have to know that it does get better when you acknowledge it."

"It will get better. You will move on. Maybe one day you'll be friends again. But for now, you two need to be apart. It wasn't working," He said softly, running his hand up and down his arm.

"You could always try again, but in this moment, you need to figure out your own things first," Yugyeom squeezed his shoulder.

"Beating yourself up only could do so much."

"I'm fine," He repeated, inhaling sharply as he pushed Yugyeom's hand off of him. "I will be okay. I broke up with him remember." He hung his head, staring at the ball shaking in his hands.

"I broke up with him. I can't be sad about it."

"That's not true," Yugyeom whispered, "You can be sad. Hell, you can be as sad as you want. Being sad is part of the process to getting better."

"Jeongguk, please just listen to me," The younger grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to meet his worried gaze. "You have us now."

"We're not gonna leave you just because it's hard. We got your back."

That was what my old friends said to me, Jeongguk wanted to say out loud but the words couldn't seem to untangle from his throat. Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jimin promised they would be with me when times got hard, but where were they now?

"Let's just play," Jeongguk pushed his hands off of him. "One more round," He begged, desperation in his eyes, even coating his words.

Soon, Yugyeom sighed and went back to his side with the ball. The younger stood behind the service line, dribbling the ball once then twice, gave the older one last look, and served.

When times got hard, everybody left him. That was what Jeongguk remembered as he received the ball. They all left him, and in the end, it was just him, his pain, and volleyball.

He always suffered on his own, yet he didn't want to, so he hid it— it was easier to forget about the pain than face it. Sure, he knew it was wrong, that it was temporary, but what else could he do?

It fucking hurt when the kids at school decided to be cruel, when his own sister ignored his existence for years, when he missed his mother's first stroke and his family kept him in the dark, when his parents separated, and when his friends left him when he needed them the most. 

Maybe he always had this hole in his heart, and when Taehyung finally left, it opened his eyes to how empty he was, how fucking hollow he felt.

Sure, volleyball was there when he needed it. He didn't allow anyone else into his life since he had this, the only constant he could trust.

It was the solution to fill the hole in him every single time, but now, as he played and put his all into this game, it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough, for the hole grew. It split him in half, and he wasn't sure if he could pull himself together anymore.

With every step, he teared at the seams. With every set, every hit, he could hear himself ripping apart, the strings breaking, snapping.

Jeongguk gritted his teeth, unaware of the tears prickling in his eyes and staining his cheeks as he lunged to receive the ball. However, as much as he willed his body to move, he couldn't. He froze in place, watching helplessly as the ball fell.

He screamed internally, cursing at himself to get it, to move. Instead, his shoulders caved in, his arms lowering in front of him. He collapsed to his knees, chin quivering and chest heaving out shaky breaths.

Jeongguk wasn't sure what it was but he couldn't move— why couldn't he move? Tremors wrecked through him as he hung his head, fingers balling into fists, punching at the strained muscles of his thighs to move.

"Fucking hell," He cried out, struggling to breathe. "Move. Why won't you fucking move?" He sobbed, unaware of how Yugyeom scrambled to reach him.

"Move goddamnit," He screamed, voice breaking, cracking, falling apart. He slammed his fists down on his legs, sobbing uncontrollably.

"It's okay," Yugyeom whispered ever so softly, his words lost in between Jeongguk's heaves. He wrapped his arms around the older, pulling him to chest and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Shh you'll be okay. Your body's tired. It's not your fault," Yugyeom mumbled against the side of his head, other hand running up and down his back.

"It's my fault," He cried out, fists weakly punched his thighs.

His body weakened, a wave of exhaustion from the days he spent of no sleeping, eating, and lack of rest crashing over him as he fell limp in the younger's arms, features scrunched with every raw sob. 

"I-I didn't try h-hard enough," He leaned into Yugyeom's side, trembling, throat closing, and tears prickling hot as they fell down his cheeks.

"You tried your best," Yugyeom tightened his grip around him, muffling the older's sobs into his shoulder. "You tried your best, Gguk." 

Wrong, he wanted to say, to scream until his voice no longer worked but he couldn't over the sobs that wrecked his body. I didn't try at all.

"You will get through this. You have all the time in the world," He whispered softly, squeezing him tight. "Things will get better. You will get better, but now, you need to rest." 

"Please," Yugyeom craddled him close, lips forming a frown watching his friend fall apart in front of him. He pulled him impossibly closer, hugging him in the middle of the court while he cried until there were no more tears left but broken, detached wails.

"Just take it easy Jeongguk and rest," He rested his head against his, rubbing his back up and down while the older sobbed quietly into his shoulder. 

"It'll be okay." If only it was that easy.

♡♡♡

"Feels nice to be out after so long, huh?"

Jimin stuck his hands into his jacket pockets, swinging his elbows a little as he nudged Taehyung's side. The two of them were in the downtown area, strolling among the shops after leaving Jin and Hoseok back at Sunshine Sips.

They were nearing the end of the year, for it was already April: they only had two more months until graduation. In that time, Taehyung worked hard, and rarely spent time on Jimin's couch, seeing that there was no use in moping around.

Not only was it the end of school, it had also been almost an entire month since the breakup.

After Hoseok and Jin's talk, he dedicated his hours to the student council and making sure the school would be in order even after he graduated. He went to study groups with Jimin, applied to colleges, and in the mean time, searched for his passion to pursue.

They pushed him, really. If it wasn't for his friends, he wouldn't have turned out this way. Now, he supposed he truly did believe things would be okay in the end, and they were somewhat.

Or at least, life became more tolerable and the pain that once devoured him whole subsided to a dull ache.

It wasn't like he forgot about him— he would never. But every now and then, he crossed his mind, and he wondered if he was doing okay on his own. Whether he be pouring cereal, putting on socks, or even doing chemistry, Taehyung thought of him.

He got used to not having him by his side every day. Taehyung got used to only having him as a fleeting memory, as a face he passed by in the halls during passing periods. As a person he heard about through class gossip.

It was weird, and he honestly didn't think he would be okay after spending so much time with him. Yes, it did hurt to realize they reverted to nothing but names on each other's tongue and scars on one another's hearts, but at least he had memories.

Good ones that he could look back to and smile at and remember that they were happy together, but now, they get to see how it was to be happy apart. It wasn't what he imagined, though it was for the best.

He might not have been ready to face him just yet, but at least he was still healing. And when the day would come to talk about it, he wanted to be ready.

"I guess so," Taehyung shrugged, glancing around them, "it's a change of scenery." He jutted his chin at the flowers and trees around them.

"You're right. Better than inhaling fucking sharpies and numbers all day," Jimin snorted, the yellowish purple skin around his nose slightly scrunched.

"I'd rather eat food than learn about angry European men settling their daddy issues by starting wars."

"That's oddly specific," The younger chuckled, elbowing Jimin's side playfully as the two rounded the street corner. Jimin scoffed.

"It's true! My dad never gave a shit, but I don't go around firing shots at innocent people," Jimin rolled his eyes, though the smile dancing on his lips really ruined the intimidating feel he was going for.

"Anyways, I'm taking you somewhere as a thanks for studying with me," Jimin looped his arm with his. "I also want to thank you for hiding me from Min Yoongi."

"I still don't understand why you made me do that," Taehyung snorted, the skin between his brows creased as the edge of his lip tugged upward into a lazy grin.

"Because I don't wanna talk to him," Jimin rolled his eyes like it was obvious. "Yoongi may be hot, but he is the King of I Have Gnarly Daddy Issues."

"Should you be telling me this?" He lifted a brow.

"Probably not, but it's out there now."

This was what he learned about Jimin. When he warmed up, not only was he brutally blunt, but he wasn't hard to be around. In fact, he reminded him of the convenience store Jimin except more honest and shameless.

So shameless to the point that he would make obscene sex noises when Taehyung phoned his dads.

"Wanna hear a fun fact?" Jimin asked, shaking the younger's arm.

"Do I want to?" Taehyung pushed his black hair out of his eyes. "Is it about Yoongi?" He nodded.

He redyed it recently with Jimin's help just to try out something new. Jimin told him he was using it as an excuse to erase traces of his ex, but he told him to shut up and help ("Didn't think you had it in you to do that Tae").

"He fucked me on his piano once," Jimin declared, amusement twinkling in his half-moon eyes seeing the disgust in Taehyung's eyes.

"I didn't need to know that," Taehyung winced. "I'm seeing having sex within your friendgroup was a normal thing- ow! I'm kidding," He whined, rubbing his stomach where Jimin punched him.

"Shut up," Jimin grumbled, "It was a heat of the moment thing. Y'know in dramas where they're like, 'I'm not enough' and the guy is like 'Yeah you are. Enough for me' and they pin you against the wall, undress you with their eyes, then fuck you?"

"No," The younger's nose bunched together, trying to untangle his arm from the older only to be met with laughter.

"You don't even recognize the wall thing? It was a big ass trend to get slammed against the wall—,"

"—Can I revoke our friendship?"

"Nope, once you jim-in, you can't jim-out," Jimin teased. Taehyung gave him a dirty look, and soon enough, he dropped his arm.

"Sorry, that got cringey."

"Don't you think?" Taehyung snorted.

"You gotta try it eventually though," He said, leading Taehyung down another path of shops he seemed to oddly recognize. Taehyung raised an eyebrow at him.

"Kinky sex is the best sex," Jimin said in a matter of fact way, catching him off guard.

"You'll see when you try it out. Like hair pulling? Yes. Getting your ass eaten? Fuck yeah."

"I— no," Taehyung cringed, "please stop before I decide to strangle you."

"See! That's kinky! Aren't you quite the natural?" Jimin wiggled his eyebrows at him, earning a groan from the younger. "Okay jeez, I'll stop."

"Thank you," Taehyung sighed, rubbing his hand down his face. "God, I hate you." Jimin snorted.

"Now that's a lie. You'll love me again when you see where I'm taking you as a token of my appreciation," Jimin flicked his ear, laughter bubbling out of his throat.

"Where are you even taking me?" Taehyung asked, feeling the older's small hands wrap around his wrist and tugged him along.

Before Taehyung could say something else about the older's behavior that was lowkey starting to scare him, the wide smile he wore fell from his lips when he realized where Jimin had brought him. Oh.

It was the place where Jeongguk brought him on their first fake date.

"What?" Jimin asked, arms crossed over his chest. "Don't tell me you hate it."

"I-I don't. I like it," Taehyung swallowed, awkwardly scratching the side of his neck. "I've— uh, I've been here before."

"You have? With— oh," The older's tone softened realizing what he meant. Jimin nodded, rubbing his palms over his thighs. "We can go back to Sunshine Sips, if you want."

"No," He said, shaking his head. "You wanted to bring me here. It's fine. It wasn't like a bad memory or anything." It was one of the best memories of my life.

"You sure about it?" Jimin raised an eyebrow at him. "If you're not ready, don't force yourself."

"It's just a place," Taehyung assured him, or rather, he tried to assure himself. Jimin gave him once last look, only to be met with a shitty thumbs up, and with that, they went inside.

It was the same as he remembered it— it was still aesthetically pleasing except it wasn't night time, and the tables didn't have candles lighting them up, and the classy piano music was replaced by soft IU songs.

There weren't a lot of couples either. There were groups of friends, some elderly women, and some families with their little children.

The hostess led them to a table not far from the one Taehyung and Jeongguk sat at. Taehyung tried to not dwell on that, instead focusing on Jimin who was giving him concerned glances over the hostess who was explaining the activities.

Eventually, they sat down to the activity of that day, which was painting pieces of premade pottery. Jimin picked out a little cat, while Taehyung settled with a tiger.

Neither of them said anything for a while, but it didn't mean anything was bad. It wasn't exactly awkward either. They just painted in silence, and when one of them did speak, it was to pass the glaze.

"You doing alright?" Jimin asked after some time. The younger wasn't looking at him, instead trying to focus on his tiger. He nodded, the tip of his tongue between his lips as he painted on the black stripes.

"Y'know, I've never asked you about Jeongguk," Jimin said, returning back to painting his cat, which he chose to color orange and brown. "How's that?"

"There's not much to say," Taehyung said, glancing up at the older for a split second. "I'm okay. I haven't seen him in a while. Have you?"

"Only at practice," Jimin told him, chuckling a little. "But I think we've mutually agreed to avoid each other."

"At least your face healed without a dent?" He snorted softly, tipping the end of his paintbrush at him. Jimin simply shrugged.

"I guess so," Jimin murmured, "but even though I don't see him, I get worried. Jeongguk's not very good at coping." At that, Taehyung's smile fell.

"Ah," The older hummed, realizing what he said. "I mean, he likes to overwork. It's nothing bad, but he hides in volleyball. I'm sure his other friends got him covered." He sat up in his seat, noticing how the other stopped painting.

"I'm sorry if I worried you. I know you still probably care about him," Jimin whispered, "and it was a big mistake of me to bring you here."

"Don't apologize," Taehyung shook his head, staring down at the purple tiger he painted, shoulders slightly slumped. Later, he inhaled slowly.

"He brought me here on a date," He whispered, remembering that night vividly, the mention of the mere memory making his lips curve into a smile.

"We made each other bracelets and painted. I got to know about him more, and after that, we walked around the lake. He was my first kiss," Taehyung breathed, the words on his tongue wavering.

"I didn't like him yet," Beneath the table, his fingers curled into a fist. "I wished I did. It was my first proper date, and he made it feel magical."

"He made it perfect, and I ruined it with a kiss," He giggled to himself, grinning fondly at the memory. "I kissed his chin, and he made fun of me."

"How did you do that?" Jimin propped his elbow on the table, resting his chin on the cup of his palm.

"I don't know," Taehyung laughed quietly, face warming. "But I did, and even though I messed up, he kissed me. He told me to look at him and he kissed me."

Fuck, he could remember it. Could hear Jeongguk's laugh ring in his ears. Could feel Jeongguk's palm faintly in his own and his fingers entangle with his. Could hear his stupid jokes and picture his dorky smile.

But what pained him the most was that he was starting to forget his features. It was funny, how he spent so much time with him and could picture all these things almost perfectly.

And yet, he couldn't seem to picture his face. He couldn't come up with the image, and the more he struggled and failed to remember what Jeongguk looked like, the worse his chest ached.

He closed his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry right here, especially since they were in public of all places. It was different crying at home; he didn't need a bigger audience.

"I'm really sorry Tae," Jimin reached over the table, placing his palm over his forearm as the younger began to sniffle.

"No, it's fine," He whispered, wiping at his eyes as he exhaled shakily, choking out a laugh. "It's stupid."

"It's not," Jimin murmured, squeezing his wrist, "You clearly still love him."

"How could I not?" Taehyung chuckled, sniffling. "I miss him every single day."

"Have you gotten the chance to talk to him?" At that, he shook his head.

"I don't know when we will, but I want to," Taehyung whispered, wiping his palm down his thigh. "I want to tell him how fricking stupid I was to let him go. I want to say I'm sorry, and I really want to tell him I regret hurting him. I didn't mean to."

I want to tell him he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Even if I can't get him back, I wanted him to know how much he meant to me.

"Then do it," Jimin said. Taehyung snapped his head up, raising an eyebrow at him. "Tell him."

"It's not that easy," The younger's brows drew together, knitting into a bunch. "I don't know where he is. I don't see him in class, and when he does show up, he sits in the back."

"It's like he's avoiding me."

"He's probably thinking you want distance," Jimin corrected, watching as his friend hung his head once more. "Tae, you two should talk it out. It's been a month."

"I know," He whispered ever so softly, he wasn't sure if he really said those words out loud. "It's funny, how we want to talk about it after breaking up."

"It's how the world works," Jimin hummed. "You can't do anything about it, but take what it gives you and make some beautiful from it."

"Even if you didn't get to talk until now, at least you get the closure some people don't get," He said, and for a split second, he swore he saw pain in the older's eyes. Before he could mention it, it was already gone.

"Plus you two are different," Jimin continued, waving his brush at him. "You guys were best friends who became lovers. You found what everyone in the world wants, and while it may not work out as a romantic relationship, you two can be best friends."

"You think so?" Taehyung asked, hope lacing his words. The older nodded.

"Positive," Jimin said, finishing the last of his calico cat. "Y'know, if you want, I can let you into the lockers during our spring tournament. You can talk to Jeongguk after the game if you want."

"The best chance you got is to corner his ass."

"Jimin," He whispered, stilling in his seat, his heart tightening in his chest. "You don't have to."

"I have to, and I will," The older snorted, rolling his eyes. "Both of you are my friends, even if Jeongguk doesn't consider me one."

"Seeing you both happy is enough for me."

"That was gross," Taehyung teased, smacking his hand playfully. Jimin nodded, nose crinkling in disgust, but the shy smirk that twitched across his lips gave him away.

"It's true though. You make Jeongguk the happiest I've ever seen him. You've made him smile more than he ever did in years," Jimin said, squeezing Taehyung's hand briefly before pulling away.

"If you guys don't date, at least try to be friends," He shrugged like it was nothing. "The least I can do is to help you guys talk."

"Thank you," Taehyung murmured, reaching over and taking Jimin's hand in his, prompting the older's eyes to widen, head whipping up to meet his gentle gaze.

"It's nothing," Jimin muttered, pulling his hand away. "I got punched in the face, and yet I'm still helping you. You better be thankful."

"Of course," Taehyung chuckled, finding it funny how Jimin's cheeks flushed red. Just as he returned to his clay painting, the older cleared his throat.

"You guys deserve the best."

He whispered ever so softly, so soft that Taehyung almost missed it. His eyebrows lifted for a second, before he eventually smiled to himself, the pain in his chest, for once after so long, eased.

When they were done, Jimin went ahead to go pay, while Taehyung lingered by the wall where all the paintings where hung up. It didn't take long to find his, and when he did, his stomach flipped seeing the one beside his was Jeongguk's.

It was a painting of the sky, the canvas a mixture of soft pinks, oranges, and cremes. Above his painting was their picture of them with their work.

God, they were happy here.

Jeongguk and he were leaning into one another, smiling wide, and there he spotted the younger's arm wrapped around his waist. It wasn't anything grand, for it was just slung there, but it still managed to make his stomach erupt with all sorts of butterflies.

Taehyung inhaled slowly, the smile on his lips tiny albeit nostalgic. To think all those months ago, they were on a fake date with no feelings involved.

He chuckled a little to himself and turned to leave, but before he did, his elbow knocked Jeongguk's painting to the ground. His expression paled, and quickly he got down to pick it up.

He tilted his head to the side, glancing at the small canvas in his hands. However, as he looked closely, he noticed there were some words in reverse on the canvas. His smile crumbled a little as he ran his thumb over it, realizing there was something on the back.

So, he flipped it, curiousity sparking. But the second he read the words on the back of the canvas, his breath hitched, and he swore his heart stopped.

Taehyung's lip trembled, the tears he was holding in finally escaping, falling off his cheek and onto the back. He bit down on his lip, gripping the canvas tight as his mouth curled into a shaky smile.

There in Jeongguk's scraggly handwriting, were the words that made him love more than he ever did.

What the sky looked like when I realized I felt more.

♡♡♡

it really bums me out htt is
coming to an end ));

but anyways, i hope everyone is
taking care especially during these
times! i hope you're staying safe if
you are protesting & are continuing to
spread awareness! yes, all lives do matter,
but it is the black community that needs
us. BLACK LIVES MATTER, and for decades
they haven't received the respect & rights
they deserve. they are individuals too.

i love you guys!! and please, if you haven't,
sign the petitions & donate if you can!!💛