presenting...
HOW TO (BE A) TOP
[ a taekook fanfiction.]

where a loser and a badboy make
a special deal, but it's all fun and fake dates
until one accidentally falls in love.

contains...
+ taekook, vmin, & other ships
+ s* themes, strong language
+ tons of fluff, crack, and some angst
+ potential slowburn warning!!
+ my stupid attempt at being funny
[ i hope you like it (: it might be cliche,
but honestly, this book is just for fun! ]

♡♡♡

Kim Taehyung was used to being the 'ugly' friend.

Terribly lanky, baggy clothes, hair that didn't ever want to cooperate, and a pair of glasses he couldn't get rid of unless he wanted to be completely blind. He wasn't really an eye-catcher, but more of the type to send people sprinting the other direction.

He was the friend that people asked for his other friends' (who were a hundred times better looking) phone numbers. Taehyung was that one loser people based all their jokes about, and the guy that never went to parties but stayed home to play videogames until his brain was fried.

The only thing he was good for was math homework answers and free hallway passes. Not hookups, or heat in the moment kisses.

People forgot about Taehyung, and when they did happen to remember him, it was always as the 'ugly' friend. The pathetic guy that followed Kim Seokjin and Jung Hoseok around school because nobody else would take him into their friend group.

"Park Jimin is so fucking hot it's unfair."

"And I'm so fucking ugly it's unfair," Taehyung sighed, resting his chin on the cusp of his palm, watching the aforementioned laugh at something one of his friends said.

Usually after school, the student population flooded into the streets of the downtown area near their high school the second classes were out. The majority of teenagers crammed into Sunshine Sips, a boba shop owned by the Jungs.

Along with Taehyung and Hoseok, and probably twenty other high school students dying for milk tea and an aesthetic snap for their instagram story, was Park Jimin and his bunch— aka the most handsome boy in school and his three other extremely good looking friends waaay out of Taehyung's league.

The one thing about having looks equivalent to a trash can was the fact that most crushes were ninety percent of the time always unrequited.

Taehyung happened to have the fattest crush on Jimin, and honestly it was the most stupidest thing ever considering his chances were next to nothing. Compared to him, Taehyung was literally the speck of dirt on his thousand-dollar leather Dior boots.

"You're not ugly, Tae, you're just a late bloomer," Seokjin said, reaching over the table to pinch his best friend's cheek. Taehyung's nose crinkled, the younger swatting him away.

"I'm seventeen, hyung," Taehyung muttered, "and I still look like I'm ten and prepubescent."

"I mean, at least you don't look like that foreign exchange student that's basically a wannabe Park Jimin," Hoseok sipped his tea. The youngest of the trio glared at him.

"What? I'm just saying. Oli London's wack."

"Both of you aren't helping," He pouted, shoulders caving in as he sadly sipped his drink. Taehyung averted his attention toward Jimin's table by the window, wishing he was one of the lucky girls that sat with the popular bunch at their table.

Sometimes the group brought girls to their booth, and honestly, it was difficult for Taehyung to not compare himself to them. They were too perfect to miss. All of them matched Jimin's group's level of stunning, flaunting their long legs in trendy figure-hugging dresses and their perfect skin and perfect hair.

It made sense people like Jimin went for girls like them. Guys like Jimin never went for gay kids that wore oversized clothes from thrift stores, and only experienced kissing when they practiced on their fist in fifth grade.

The same went for his friends. All of them look fresh out of a luxury fashion magazine, while Taehyung came straight out of the dumpster.

"I don't get why you like him," Seokjin said. "Ya'll literally spent three hour shifts together at the ass crack of dawn in a sketchy convenience store during the summer. Who knows, at that hour, you could have fallen for a dude named Jimmy."

"Shut up," Taehyung groaned, kicking the older beneath the table. Jin laughed, sounding equivalent to a leaking faucet. "He was a nice guy, okay?"

"You say that about everyone who loves Harry Styles."

"He really liked his new album. How could I not say he's a good guy? For pete's sake, hyung, he was a Cherry enthusiast!" Taehyung argued back, angrily sipping his drink. "He has taste." He grumbled beneath his breath.

"I'm personally a Zayn guy," Hoseok interrupted, earning another death glare from the youngest of the trio. He held his hands up in defense, leaning back in his seat.

"Fine, I'll admit he has taste," At that, Taehyung sat up in his seat, thinking he won the argument, but the older held his hand up, "but, I don't want you to get hurt again."

Taehyung deflated. "I'm not stoopid."

"Yes you are. You're very much stoopid, bitch," Jin rolled his eyes. "You barely know the guy except that he likes an artist universally loved by everyone." Taehyung scoffed, shaking his head.

"I know more than that," He said, crossing his arms over his chest. "We made a connection."

"Made a connection my ass," Seokjin sighed. "Then why hasn't Jimin tried to talk to you after summer?"

"Ugh I don't know yet. You're really killing me here," Taehyung groaned. He turned toward Hoseok, "Can you help me?"

"I'm kinda on Jin's side, Tae," Hoseok shrugged, amusement twinkling in his eyes as he watched the youngest facepalm. "Jimin's a player, dude. You're like an innocent baby bird that hasn't left the nest yet, while Jimin's those scary birds that pick babies from the ground and eats them. No offense."

"What?"

"He's been watching National Geographic lately," Seokjin explained.

"Offense not taken I guess," He said slowly before turning back toward Seokjin. "But m'not saying I wanna date him though. It's just a crush."

"Bitches be saying it's a crush but want their organs rearranged the next second. You're bitches."

"Hey," Taehyung frowned, "I never said that."

"We be knew you were thinking it," Hoseok said, immediately grunting when Taehyung kicked his shin. "Aye! Not the shin splints dude," He wheezed, reaching down to rub his leg.

"Listen to us, Tae. Jimin isn't worth the fuss. I don't wanna see you all mopey when you get rejected," Jin said, his tone softening for a moment. "He's the type we avoid 'cause he can't keep his dick in his pants."

"I swear he's a nice guy," Taehyung tried to convince them otherwise, but it was obvious he was already losing this battle. Before he could open his mouth to plead his case, the door to the shop slammed open.

"Jeon Jeongguk I'll fucking slice your dick off!"

All three of them craned their heads over to see a boy chasing after Jeon Jeongguk in the flesh, the other red faced and fuming probably because of the latter's behavior. Everyone went silent, and a few others held their phones up to film the free drama as the duo stopped in the center of the store.

"I really like my dick, so I have to deny that kind offer," Jeongguk slid his hands into his jean pockets, his features oddly calm compared to the other, but nobody could miss the shit-eating smirk on his lips.

"It's not an offer, it's a threat! You seriously don't know how to keep your fucking dick in your pants 'cause our relationship didn't keep you from fucking my sister!" The angry boy screamed, shoving his finger against Jeongguk's chest.

"I fucked her cuz she asked," Jeongguk shrugged, unbothered, which only made the boy turn a deeper shade of crimson.

"T-That's— god, I hate you, you manwhore!"

Without flinching, Jeongguk's grin widened. "Awh, thanks. But m'sorry. You gotta get more creative, Lee. I've heard that all before." He cooed, patting the other's head.

"Careful there, sweetheart. You're gonna pop a vein if you don't calm down." He chuckled, squeezing his shoulder before joining Jimin's side and snatching his drink. Taehyung watched as he winked at him and casually took a sip like nothing happened.

Taehyung wondered how calm a person could stay calm in this situation, but he supposed it was only something an asshole Jeon Jeongguk could pull off.

The only reason Taehyung knew about him was the fact Jeon Jeongguk was a frequent issue in student council meetings, and that Park Jimin was one of his friends. 

He was a literal walking hazard to human kind. Sure, he was the star of the volleyball team and could kill with his spikes, but the guy loved ditching class and engaging in coitus with people in places that weren't very... hygienic.

Taehyung thought the guy was full of shit. Parading around the school in his cliche leather jacket and full black ensemble instead of his uniform, thinking he was invincible just 'cause he was handsome and privileged since his dad was the headmaster.

He didn't understand why a guy like Jimin would befriend him. Jeongguk was arrogant, rude, and just downright nasty with his sexual history. Taehyung himself wouldn't even dare to associate with him.

"Jeon Jeongguk!" His ex shouted, gathering the attention in the room once more. Taehyung hoped it wasn't another screaming match, but much to his own surprise, there was a drink in his hand.

"Yes—?" Jeongguk didn't even finish his sentence before the cup was crushed over his head, drenching him in pale brown milk tea.

Everyone gasped, including Taehyung as the guy dumped the rest of the drink on him, even tossing the broken cup into his lap. Just when he thought it was over, he slapped Jeongguk right across the face and left without another word.

Taehyung, however, noticed how Jimin lunged for a napkin and was quick to help Jeongguk clean up the sticky liquid that coated his hair and dripped down his face in streams. Worry twinkled in Jimin's big, crescent-shaped eyes, and for a moment, Taehyung felt a twinge of jealousy, wanting nothing to be the one talking to Jimin (minus the milk tea on him).

Although Jeon Jeongguk was a horrible human being, and stupid as it sounded, Taehyung wished he was like him to some degree.

Not completely (that was gross). But he wondered, what did Jeon Jeongguk have that made Park Jimin actually notice him?

"That's an L," Hoseok leaned over and whispered to Taehyung, sipping his tea quietly, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"The asshole deserved it," Jin added, agreeing with him. Taehyung hummed, not really caring about Jeon Jeongguk except for the fact that a slim part of him really, really wished he had what he had.

♡♡♡

"This is your twentieth detention this month."

"And?" Jeongguk grumbled, slouching in his seat, legs spread wide as his good ol' father sat in front of him in his teacher desk, giving him the familiar look of parental disapproval.

"Can I ask why you called me here?" He glanced between his dad and the weird looking kid standing awkwardly against the wall adjacent to them.

It wasn't unusual for Jeongguk's dad to request his presence in his serious adult office— it was their son and father thing. Quite unconventional, but nothing beat sitting in your dad's office, waiting for another wonderful chat about responsibility and the future!

However, it was typically a private endeavor, and Jeongguk honestly had no idea who the kid was watching them. He never saw him around before, but then again, he sucked ass at remembering the faces of people he flirted with one second and the next he spent fucking them into oblivion.

But this guy wasn't one of his hook-ups; he knew that one for sure. Jeongguk didn't really, well, messed with people that looked like that.

It was hard not to put it in to what his father called 'rude phrasing', but as nicely as he could word it, the guy wasn't the best in terms of looks.

Who still wore their hair in bowl cuts? It was 2019, not the eighties. Also, this guy had the worst hair color ever. It was an unappealing muddy brown that somewhat resembled pork broth, and the way his fringe was cut didn't make it any more attractive.

Jeongguk guessed he was one of his dad's nerds by the way he wore his uniform. It was wrinkle free, void of any self expression. His tie was straight, and his crimson blazer was buttoned all the way— oh, and his posture looked like someone shoved a stick up his asshole.

To be honest, he somewhat reminded Jeongguk of one of those catalogue models, except minus the model-worthy looks.

He ducked his head, hoping pork broth boy didn't catch him staring, or else that would be quite the embarrassment. He tried to focus his attention on his father, and not the stranger that was staring holes into the side of his head.

"Do you not recall vandalizing the side of our historic library?" His father asked, already tired even though barely ten minutes had passed. Jeongguk shook his head, unable to think.

"You wrote 'penis rocks, coochies suck' in red spray paint, and proceeded to draw the genitalia in detail on the brick."

"Oh yeah," Jeongguk forced out a chuckle, not quite expecting his dad to go into that much of a detail. He swore pork brother nearly laughed, but the kid was smooth and coughed. "That. That was a good one."

"No it wasn't. It was vulgar and inappropriate," His dad sighed, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "If you weren't my son, I would have abandoned you with the wild roosters off campus."

"Roosters are... friendly?" He flashed his signature grin to his father, hoping it would work to some affect like it usually did on his female teachers and most of his hook-ups.

"Fried chicken, anyone?"

"And you had sex with different genders in multiple storage rooms and empty classrooms. I saw the condoms son. The condoms."

"Free real estate?"

His dad returned it with a frown, "Son. May I remind you that you also ditched school three times a week? Showing up to your volleyball practice doesn't excuse your absences during class hours."

"C'mon, old man. You know how I feel about school," Jeongguk snorted, trying to keep his voice cool. He stole a glance over at pork broth head, noticing the guy was holding back a smile and failing.

This brat really has the nerve to mock me, Jeongguk poked the side of his mouth with his tongue. He made sure the loser knew he was staring at him, and when their gazes met, he raised an eyebrow at him, challenging him.

Pork broth immediately stiffened, averting his gaze to the ground. At least he knew his place.

"I do, and that's why I'm withholding your college application," His father said, and the second those words left his mouth, Jeongguk shot up in his seat.

He did not just end my career like that.

"You can't do that to me," Jeongguk's brows furrowed, his hands on either side of him bunched into fists.

"Yes I can. If you want to pursue your volleyball career, I suggest you pick up your act," His dad said sternly, folding his hands over his desk. "This is your spot on the Olympic Japanese volleyball team we're talking about."

"Of course I will! C'mon dad, let's be reasonable men and just talk this out civily," He said, voice rising unevenly, hoping he sounded convincing. His dad, on the other hand, wasn't at all impressed.

"We had that chance months ago prior to your senior year," Mr. Jeon replied smoothly, ignoring the way his son's jaw hung open, ready to argue. "And at this point, I don't trust you, so I'm putting you in the hands of my student council president."

"Excuse me sir?!" Oh, that wasn't his voice, was it?

"You heard me, Mr. Kim. Your record is spotless and more pristine than any record I've seen in my years of running this boarding school." Jeongguk shook his head, leaning back in his seat, shaking his head.

"T-thank you sir, but there's other people like h-his friends. Kim Namjoon's the head of leadership," Kim said (Jeongguk preferred pork broth), stumbling over his words. Jeongguk rolled his eyes. Was he really somebody to trust when he could barely talk?

"I know, but I'm afraid they'll be too lenient on my son. My decision is final, therefore you two are going to work together to rehabilitate Jeongguk's record," Mr. Jeon clapped his hands together, flashing both teenagers a tight-lipped smile.

"But sir, we have no classes together," Pork broth said. Jeongguk admitted he was a little shocked he wasn't jumping at the chance to be at his side 24/7. He could name a few who would kill to be in porky's position, but he guessed this was a bit relieving.

Although, the more he thought about it, it didn't sit well with him. He, Jeon Jeongguk, one of the most handsome guys in school hanging around someone as below average as Porky wasn't something he could picture right on the spot.

It was like mixing pineapple with pizza. Cheetos and milk. Salami and grapes. You get the gist. 

Not only was his volleyball career on the line, which he worked hard for mind you, but his reputation.

This was the end of his life. His dad really was out to ruin his entire existence this time around.

"Oh yes you do. Jeongguk just never attends classes. He's an intelligent kid, but I'm afraid his priorities have been... shifted," His father said. Jeongguk rolled his eyes, even mouthing 'wow' at the older man and preceding to slow clap at him.

"And before you leave, because I think Mr. Kim here is a brilliant example of student behavior, I chose to revoke Jeongguk of his private dorm." Now that made Jeongguk fucking livid.

"Woah, woah, woah," Jeongguk shot up onto his feet, holding his hands out, stopping his father from continuing. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Porky covering his face. Glad we're on the same page.

"That's my space, dad. I worked for that space," He didn't know why he was holding his hands together, but he was, and at this point, he wouldn't mind getting on his knees and begging for forgiveness.

"And you will work for it back," His dad said, getting up from his desk. He walked around until he was standing in front of his son. He reached out and lowered Jeongguk's hands.

"For Mr. Kim, I already arranged you to move into the penthouse room," Mr. Jeon said, his attention focused on the boy beside them. Jeongguk hung his head, jaw clenching tight.

"How long will this last for sir?" Porky asked, his voice soft as Jeongguk's father was about to leave the room. Jeongguk squeezed his eyes shut, hoping this living hell wouldn't last longer than a month—

"Four months, and then you can return to normal when winter break begins," Mr. Jeon said. At that, Jeongguk's shoulder sagged, a muscle twitching on the curve of his tightened jaw.

"I'll be going now so you two can get acquainted with one another. Tomorrow, I want you both to work on Jeongguk's student record as soon as possible," and with that, the door clicked shut, leaving Jeongguk and Porky alone.

"Are you going to say anything?" Jeongguk tilted his head up, the skin between his eyebrows furrowing realizing that wasn't him who said anything but it was Porky.

"What's there to say?" He scoffed, reaching down to grab his bag and aggressively throwing it over his shoulder.

"You could at least say something about yourself!" Porky bit back, crossing his arms over his chest. The younger of the two scowled. This entire thing was bullshit, he wanted to say, but he guessed Porky would tell his father everything.

"You really wanna know one thing about me?" Jeongguk snapped, kicking the chair on his way out, somewhat satisfied by the way Porky flinched away from him.

"I don't associate with ugly people," He forced out a smile, making sure to slather his words with as much bitterness and hatred he could before slamming the door right behind him.

This was going to be a long four months, and Jeongguk was already dreading it.

♡♡♡

surprise! i know this book feels
a bit cliche, but honestly i'm a big
sucker for 'em. alsoo you know it's
not one of my stories without a twist (:

i'm writing this mostly because it's
really hard on me to keep writing sad,
angsty books, and i guess we all need
a laugh from time to time!

so i hope you like this book as much
as i do, and i'd like to hear your
thoughts hehe LOVE YOU GUYS
💛 mela