Chapter One

Two years later, I'm now a twenty-four-year old man who is disabled. I have a limp in my knee and have to use a cane to help me walk. I was visiting Ciara's headstone today and was sitting in front of it. Her name was on the headstone and her photo was on the right hand corner of the headstone. I placed some flowers onto her headstone and sighed. It's been two years since I lost Ciara and felt like it was my fault that she died that night in a car accident.

I can't work due to being disabled. I still live with my parents and my sister because I'm not able to move on from Ciara's loss and I'm afraid to live on my own because I don't want to be alone. I remember the night of the car accident, I was trapped in the vehicle. My knee was tapped underneath the glove box. I was the passenger in the car and Ciara was my driver. Ciara and I were very close and I miss her every single day of every week, month and year.

I suffer from survivor's guilt and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I remember witnessing Ciara's deceased body next to me. I had a flashback of Ciara covered in blood and I knew that before I lost consciousness, I saw her deceased body. Then I went into a coma shortly afterwards and I was feeling like a burden due to Ciara losing her life and I am still alive and breathing. I live with guilt every day.

I wished I could tell Ciara I loved her one last time before she died. I wanted her to come back. But I knew deep down I was only gonna see her again whenever I got to Heaven. I hated my life so far. I have been feeling nothing but guilt ever since I was in the hospital and missing Ciara's funeral because I was unconscious—I knew that I shouldn't have let her and I went to that party to get drunk.

We were stupid that night. Until Ciara got behind the wheel and started driving drunk. I was also drunk and I was too drunk to know that Ciara was gonna drive drunk. Every day I think of the night of the party and not being able to talk about what happened. I wished things would go back to normal. I wished things would go back to where they were before. Sometimes I feel like I am gonna be living with this kind of pain for the rest of my life.

Ciara's parents did know that Ciara was drunk the night she died. The police told her parents that she did have an alcohol level of 0.08%. It is considered illegal. But I had an alcohol level of 0.08 as well. We were both drunk. The flashback ended and I heard footsteps approaching from behind me. I didn't even look at the girl who stood next to me and faced the headstone and placed some flowers on top of the headstone. Until the woman had sighed and she did the cross sign to represent her sins. I figured she was Catholic.

I cleared my throat and I took a deep breath and the woman looked at me before she looked down at my cane and noticed I was holding onto my cane. "Hey," says the woman. I sighed and looked at the woman and said nothing. I looked back at the headstone. "I just lost my mom a week ago. I visit her grave every day," the woman said to me. I nodded my head yes as I understood the woman before I didn't say a word.

"I'm Elena. I'm from around here. What's your name?" Elena said.

I continued to stare at Ciara's photo and she was smiling. Elena could tell I wasn't up to having a conversation with her.

"Are you from around here?" Elena asked.

I still didn't say anything. I wasn't trying to be rude. It is just my way of coping and had stopped talking to anyone including my parents and my sister after the accident. Elena looked at the photo of Ciara and she sighed.

"Well you have a good day," Elena said before she turned around and walked away from the headstone. I turned around and watched Elena heading to her car. She was walking alone. I turned around to look at the headstone once again and sighed. I took my finger and kissed the headstone using my finger after placing my finger onto my lip. Elena was watching me stand in front of the headstone and she wondered why I was so young and disabled.

Of course that's what everyone thinks of me. As someone who's disabled and crippled. At least I have a life and some people just need to mind their own business. Elena watched me walk away from the headstone and she saw me limping and using my cane as I walked. Elena sighed and she felt bad for me. I continued to walk down the cemetery and passed every other deceased person headstones and I headed to my mom's car.

My mom was sitting in her car waiting for me to come back to the car. Elena watched me get into my car after I had eventually reached the car and opened the door. Elena sighed and faced the steering wheel. She turned on the car with her keys and she left the cemetery. Until the next day, I was at the grocery store and was going grocery shopping.

I was carrying a red grocery basket and walking around the store to get some groceries for my mom who was planning a big party tonight for my sister Peyton's sixteenth birthday. After I grabbed some groceries and as well a birthday cake from the bakery, I was in line with the rest of the shoppers and it was my turn to put the groceries onto the black conveyor belt and I placed the basket underneath the conveyor belt and I noticed it was the same girl who I saw at the cemetery yesterday who wished her other customer a good day before grabbing my groceries and started to scan them as she wished me a hello and how my day was going.

As Elena had scanned my groceries I took out my wallet and grabbed my mother's Capital One credit card and I waited for Elena to finish scanning my groceries. I looked at Elena and she smiled at me before looking down at her groceries and continued to scan them. After she finished scanning my groceries she put in the total of my groceries and I paid them with my mom's credit card.

After I paid for my groceries, I put the credit card back into my wallet and placed my wallet back into my pocket attached to my pants. "Here's your receipt," says Elena as she hands me my receipt. I grabbed the receipt from Elena and Elena wished me a good day.

Then I heard Elena wished a hello to the other customer from behind me and I sighed. I turned around and grabbed my groceries in one hand and used my cane in the other hand. I walked away from Elena after turning around and eventually leaving the store. Elena saw me limping as I was walking down the pavement outside of the grocery store and headed for my mom's car.

After I put the groceries in my mom's trunk, I shut the trunk before I headed for the passenger's door. After I opened the door, I got into the car after putting my cane into the car first and helping myself get into the car. I eventually shut the door. Elena watched me leave the store with my mom and she sighed. She excused herself to the customer as she stopped paying attention to what she was doing and she continued to scan their groceries. After my mom and I left the store, we headed back home.

At home, in my bedroom, I was watching television. I was lying on my bed and leaning against the headboard and facing the tv until I heard my dad come up the stairs and knock on the door of my bedroom.

"Can I come in?," my dad asked.

"Sure." I answered in a quiet voice.

My dad opened the door before he stepped into my bedroom and he shut the door. I turned off my television using my remote control before I could make myself even more uncomfortable in my own bed.

"How are you holding up?," my dad asked. I shrugged my shoulders and nodded my head. I didn't say a word.

"You know, I do miss hearing your voice," my dad said. I just blinked at my dad before I looked down at my fingers and nodded my head no. My dad walked closer to me and said, "I hope you know the accident wasn't your fault," my dad said to me.

I scoffed and nodded my head no. My dad felt bad for me and he didn't know what to say to get me to feel better. Nobody could tell me I needed to get better unless I wanted to. But I don't think I will ever be normal and happy again. My dad sat on the corner of my bed.

He sighed and cleared his throat. "Patric. I know how much you loved Ciara. I know you miss her. But you're gonna have to understand that she's not coming back," my dad said in a soft voice.

I knew he was right, but I didn't want to believe it. "You're gonna have to understand that it's hard on all of us after we lost Ciara," my dad said once more.

I lifted my head up and started to tear up. I swallowed and choked a little bit. "Hey. Patric, you're not responsible for losing Ciara. Ciara may have been intoxicated that night but you weren't the one who drove behind the wheel," my dad said. He placed his hand on top of mine. I refused to hold onto his hand.

"I know it's been two years since Ciara died, it's time to let go and move on," my dad said once again in a soft voice.

I rubbed my eyes using my hand and I sniffled. I wiped away my tears before I looked at my dad with tears in my eyes.

"This is not on you," my dad said.

I nodded my head no and said, "I shouldn't have never gone to that party. I shouldn't have made her go to the party," I said, my voice breaking.

"Look, you told the police that you didn't know Ciara was gonna drive intoxicated because you were so drunk. So Ciara made that decision for herself. You got nothing to do with the accident. You didn't cause the accident," my dad said.

"She wouldn't have driven intoxicated if it wasn't for me! I'm the one who caused it! I'm the one who killed her!" I said, shouting.

My dad sighed and said, "No. No. Ciara made that decision. She could've killed you too. You do realize that?"

"Why are you telling me this?! Ciara didn't mean to! I loved her dad! I loved her from the moment I met her, and if I hadn't gone to that party with her, none of this would've happened!" I shouted.

My dad tried to convince me that the accident wasn't my fault. It was! I was the one who invited Ciara to a party. She drove and I didn't. But I can't remember if she did drive my car or hers. I can't remember. The doctor said it's negotiable to not remember what happened exactly. I was trying to remember. For two years I haven't really forgiven myself for losing Ciara.

I was absolutely devastated. I remember leaving the hospital after months and months of physical therapy and not being able to get over her loss.

The accident is my fault! It's my fault!!
"Son? Patric, Ciara made that choice for herself. You didn't. That's what it said in the police report," my dad said in a soft voice.

"Just go away. I'm tired." I said in a quiet voice.

My dad nodded his head and he stood up from the side of the bed and he walked to the door. He turned around and looked at me for a second before he opened the door and shut the door after exiting my bedroom. I wiped away my tears and I sighed. I was trying not to have a meltdown. I turned on the television and I swallowed as I noticed a commercial of this girl being in an accident. It brought back memories. I couldn't bear it.

In the middle of the night, I was trapped in my dream. I was seeing Ciara lying in her seat dead. I also remember her laugh, her smile, her voice. She sang like an angel. Ciara loved to sing and she wanted to go to Hollywood to get a record deal. I told her I would support her no matter the career she chose. I told Ciara I would do anything to help her make her dreams come true. I wanted for Ciara to get that record deal she deserved and always wanted. I loved her and I missed her. I would also visit the scene of the car accident. The night of the accident where the car had crashed and flipped.

The car was upside down. I was gonna ask Ciara to marry me. It was just one little mistake she made. It wasn't her fault either. I know the accident was an accident. I hate myself for losing Ciara. I eventually gasped for air as I woke up from this bad dream. I was panting really hard. I leaned up from my bed and I rubbed my eyes using my hand in frustration. I continued to sit on the edge of my bed and I swallowed as I heard myself gulp. It was only nine o'clock at night after I glanced at my alarm clock.

I stood up from my bed and I walked myself to my bathroom. After entering the bathroom, I turned on the lights and I walked up to the sink. After walking up to the sink I looked at myself in the mirror. I opened the cabinet and I grabbed my bottle of my medication. The medication is for my PTSD and nightmares. I took out a pill and I closed the lid of the medicine bottle. I placed the bottle back into the cabinet before closing it.

I grabbed my glass from the sink and I poured cold water into my glass before shutting the water off. After I placed the pill in my mouth, I took my water and swallowed my pill as I leaned my head back and I sighed. I looked at myself in the mirror once again before I turned around and left my bathroom at the same time turning off my bathroom lights. I sat on my bed and I cleared my throat. Meanwhile I got dressed and left my bedroom. I quietly walked to the door without my parents seeing me leave the house so late.

They were sitting in the living room talking and laughing. I gently opened the door and I exited the house before closing the door. I walked away from the door and headed to the side of the highway where the accident had occurred. After I arrived at the side of the highway, I stared at the highway. There were no cars coming. Until then I heard this one car coming by and Elena saw me sitting down by the edge of the highway and was worried.

She parked her car on the side of the highway and she immediately got out of the car and walked up to me. "Hey!" Elena shouted. I looked at Elena before she got closer to me. "What, what are you doing here? It's dangerous!" Elena shouted. I turned around and faced the highway where the spot of the car accident was flipped over.

"Hey?" Elena said. "Are you okay?" Elena asked.

I nodded my head and said, "No." I began to tear up.

"Hey, did you walk here? Alone?" Elena asked.

"Yeah," I answered back.

Elena sighed and nodded her head. "Okay, well uh, I don't think it's a good idea to be out here. Besides, it's freezing out here. You're gonna get sick." Elena said.

"I'm fine!" I shouted.

"I'm just trying to help. How about I drive you back home." Elena answered.

I nodded my head yes. "Okay."

Elena nodded and said, "Okay." I walked along with Elena to her car. I got in the passenger's seat and Elena got into the driver's seat. After Elena started driving, we headed back to my house. During the ride, I was quiet.

"So, what is your name?" Elena wondered. I was looking out the window.

"Patric. Patric Sullivan." I said.

"Elena Disher. Can you tell me why you were on the side of the highway out in the freezing cold by yourself?" Elena asked.

I didn't know how to explain to Elena about Ciara. "I just needed some time alone." I said.

"I can see that. But why?" Elena wondered.

I rolled my eyes and I closed my eyes for a second. I opened my eyes once again. I didn't say another word this time. Elena sighed and quietly said, "Okay." I continued to look out the window as Elena's car continued to move.