Let's take a step back and look at your podcast, to make sure it's as unpolished as it can be, to maximize your chances of not succeeding. In no particular order:

- Don't get a standing USB mic, and certainly not anything higher tech than that. To produce sound of least optimal quality, prefer a headset mic or clip-on. Jostle it a bit while you record to create the occasional background tempest amid the continual static.

- Make sure the sound levels aren't even. For example, if you lead with music, start it really loud, causing your listener to spill their boiling coffee or swerve into oncoming traffic. Then, after the intro finishes, resume a tolerable decibel level, so that your listeners will need to crank the volume back up, assuming they're still there, and not in a hospital or something.

- You might be aware that lots of podcast listeners listen with headphones or earbuds, so make sure not to edit that way, so that you can miss any distracting background noises, breaths, and changes in room tone from splicing clips. Or better still, don't edit at all. You will save a lot of time.

- Consume salty foods and dairy products shortly before recording an episode. This will fill your recording with all manner of hideous little pops and clicks and gummy, nasally sounds that will instantly sicken anyone who loses the thread of your narrative.

If you're unfortunate enough to have a mouth space that doesn't just naturally do this even when well-hydrated and fasting, you can help the mic to catch your mouth smacks by talking quietly, not drinking ever during recording (especially not apple juice), and positioning the mic above your mouth level.

Welcome to awareness of mouth noise. You'll never listen to anything the same way again.

- Identify any keywords for your show and episodes, and make sure they don't appear in your show or episode titles or descriptions, to keep anyone who might be interested from accidentally finding them.

- Design podcast art that will repel the target audience for your show. If you feel you're too accomplished at graphic design to manage this, get on a freelancer platform and employ the lowest bidder. Don't worry if their portfolio looks impressive. You will not be disappointed.

What you were picturing:

What you will get:

Need I remind you this is not a work of fiction.

Here are a few more surefire tips for not succeeding, although they don't exactly fall under the headline of "really trying":

- Don't distribute to the major podcasting platforms. Or any at all. Leave your show's audio files on your desktop and wonder why no one listens to them.

- Don't update consistently. Maybe just on your birthday and every time you eat squash.

- Expect success to come instantly. Harass people on podcasting forums for sponsorship opportunities and quick tricks to achieve stardom.

Well, I could go on, but the ways to not succeed are infinite. If you feel I've missed anything important, leave a comment! Now then, back to social media...