For the purposes of this guide*, I'm going to assume that you're a newbie podcaster who already has a podcast, or at least, one episode—a beautiful little cupcake you've poured your heart and soul into. (If you don't, that's fine too. Come learn about the fun you'll be missing out on. Although actually, it's similar to starting out in indie publishing. But if you're just here for laughs, I recommend the chapters on Google Ads and Instagram.)

Since you're here, and you have gone to the effort of recording your mouth sounds and uploading them to the internet, I'll further assume that now you're just looking for some eager earholes to regale with your magnificent show.

So let's get to finding some.

Keep in mind that the aim of this guide is to help you not succeed in podcasting despite really trying. You can, of course, use it as a what-not-to-do if you're looking to go the opposite road, that is, if for some reason you wanted to know how not to not succeed in podcasting, but in that case you may want to defer tweaking any steps until you see how things turn out in the end.

And if you have any tips of your own for not succeeding in podcasting, by all means, share. Or put in some votes up top, to help spread the word on all the ways to not succeed.

*As difficult as it may be to believe, this is not a work of fiction. Some names have been withheld, but no lunacy has been exaggerated. Enjoy.