Chapter 9

Don't think about it. Don't even picture it. Forget it. That has become my mantra for the past month. Despite knowing that Kongpob didn't love me, despite all the signs that proved he was in love with someone else, why did I still believe that things would be different? Why even now, while my heart is aching, mind broken and empty, do I still feel that painful strand of hope.

Forget it, don't think about it.

A month ago, I received the final rejection from Kongpob and immediately left the apartment. I should have taken everything I own while I was leaving but I didn't. Now I can't go back to get them because I am afraid to see him. I don't even know what I am more afraid of: that I would see him and be wounded again by his rejection, or that I would cling on to him.

Having hope hurts and not having hope hurts even worse. When I thought Kongpob would love me someday, that he would accept me soon, my life felt meaningful, but now I am more certain that he won't. I can't even lie to myself so I don't know what to do anymore.

Every day looks exactly the same, so much so that I got dressed for work on a Sunday and it took my mother reminding me for me to realize this. I feel shattered somewhere and if I listened I would hear the shards of my heart shingle.

"Are you listening to me?" Nue was saying but I honestly didn't hear a word.

"Sorry?"

She sighed. "There's something I want to tell you, can we talk once work is over?"

"What, you can just tell me right now."

"I can't. It's a lot."

"What is this about, Nue?"

"It's about Kongpob."

She knew the one thing that would shut me up. "Kongpob," I said as if testing the word.

"Yes, so see you later."

I raised my hand out to stop her, I think, but something like dread twisted in my stomach so my hand didn't quite reach. Anything that has to do with Kongpob feels like it would only bring me pain, yet at the same time, I can't help the desire to know. I wanted to know and I am afraid to know. What will Nue tell me?

I fisted my hand and put it down beside me. The day went by really slowly after that. It was as if every time I looked at the clock thinking an hour has passed I would find that it was only a minute. Finally, however, the day ended. I didn't see Nue towards the end of the day. For almost three days now she has attached herself to another colleague in the design department and even though she shares the office with me, she has not bothered to come to see me since until today.

When I was leaving the building, I was kind of hoping I would run into her, but she wasn't at the lobby, nor at the parking lot. I hesitated over calling her for almost a minute as I stood waiting in the semi-darkness. Nue usually seemed like she didn't think too deeply about things but hasn't she been a lot more quiet and thoughtful lately. Wait, has she been avoiding me?

"P'Arthit?" my fingers paused over the dial button and I refuse to turn. The male voice that just called me can only belong to one person and despite the fact that it has been a month already, it still managed to chase all thoughts from my head and make me paralyzed. I thought I was getting better but how can hearing someone's voice make a person's heart race so much.

"P'Arthit, it is you."

I took two steps away, running away. I am not ready to deal with him just yet. My feet only took me those two steps before I am rooted to the ground by the words, "I am sorry."

"I know you don't want to see me, I didn't think I would run into you here." He paused and then laughed softly. "No, actually that was a lie. I was hoping to run into you here."

"What for?" I hope my voice was cold instead of quivering as I felt on the inside.

"I—there is something I want to say."

"I think you've said enough though."

"...yeah." The hesitation in his voice was very curious. Why did he sound like that, so uncertain? He had been clear when he said what he did that night. Was he going back on that again? Am I going to let him?

No, I decided. I needed to stop letting myself get jerked around.

"If you know that much then..."

"I missed you!"

My feet froze again but my head whipped around to stare at him in bewilderment. He laughed a little, pitifully.

"I know, it's cruel of me to say that even if I feel it."

"What do you want from me, Kongpob."

"Nothing... everything. I'm so confused with everything. I feel so horrible when I am not with you, yet when I am with you it doesn't feel right. Sometimes I think you are my soulmate, but then you are not. I am afraid to waste any more of the little time we have. Tell me P'Arthit why it feels like that, when I am not with you for even a single minute it feels like such a waste. Rather than looking for my soulmate, all I do is miss you and wait for you. It feels like I am slowly losing myself."

I looked around as it became clear to me that what Kongpob was saying isn't something we could talk about here where I worked. But did I want to keep talking about this? The answer is and always will be yes. I love Kongpob. I probably always will be in love with this jerk and even if it kills me, I needed to be with him. I don't know what epiphany he has come to but it was worth listening to.

We took the talk... discussion? I don't know what to call it but we took it to the apartment. When I opened the door and walked in without missing a step as if I haven't been gone from there for a month, I almost wanted to turn and return back to the time before Kongpob came back to me.

Came back to me. I actually just thought that. I am insane, completely out of my mind. It is as if I have already decided to go back to him, even when Kongpob hasn't said anything. Am I that weak? I have to be strong and firm otherwise the circle of rejection and regret will never end. It has to end.

"Um," Kongpob was standing around looking listless. "I didn't think you would want to come back here."

The apartment looked clean, none of the signs of regret and remorse I was expecting. But then again I was the one who made the apartment messy, Kongpob was pretty clean for a guy and usually took care of my mess before I can come around to it. Still, that was annoying. It's as though his life didn't change at all in my absence. He said he missed me but there was no proof at all.

"Do you want something to drink?"

I glared at him. "Do you think I am here because I want to relax with you?"

"No, yeah. I'm sorry." He was being too quiet. My eyebrows rose. Is he not going to start the conversation, why is he being this quiet?

"Then ho-how are things at work?"

My patience snapped. "What do you want, Kongpob?"

He met my eyes briefly and then sighed, dropping into the chair close by without grace. "I don't know, I didn't think you'd listen to me this far so I didn't think about what I wanted."

"Damn it Kongpob. Are you playing with me?" my blood pressure was about to rise. Should I kick his ass?

"Don't get mad," he said waving his hand and rising to his feet.

"Look, "I said, paused, and sighed. This guy really liked making me look weak, doesn't he? I have given him too much credit. Kongpob must really look down on me because I don't have the sense to drive him away and out of my life. Because all it would take to get me clinging to him again was one word of apology. This time he has to know that I am not going to take it. "You are not worth the hassle you cause me, Kongpob," I said

He paused, lips parted. Does he understand my words? "I can't count the number of times you've rejected me but I know this is the last."

"I don't want to reject you, not really. I actually want to protect you, even though it doesn't look like it. I never wanted you to love me, I never wanted to love you either or need you as much as I do. The monk told me that we aren't meant to love one person alone and I still think that loving one person forever is romantic but it causes so much misery when your heart is split in two. You don't have any idea what I am talking about so it doesn't make any sense to you, but I think in this life I was meant to love you."

I shifted in place and avoided looking at him. My heart was fluttering and I felt a strange excitement but I toned it down. "you talk so much nonsense sometimes, Kongpob. What does it even mean? You love me but you keep on rejecting me, it doesn't make any sense."

"I know. I still don't get it myself. It is not supposed to be possible for me to love anyone else. I still can't believe that I can love anyone else which is why I want to find my soulmate and confirm that you are really not my soulmate, P'Arthit. I don't want to keep on hurting you."

"Then," I shifted forward, "have you found your soulmate?"

"No."

"So then why did you reach out to me?!" I yelled so loudly, I surprised myself. I didn't know I was going to shout at him until I did. "Damn you for all you are worth Kongpob but you are going to be the death of me."

I wanted to grab him and shake him till his brain fell out. I wanted to kiss him till my lips hurt and ten bite him for an hour. This jerk! This bastard with his nonsense words that somehow manage to make complete sense to me for some reason.

"P'Arthit," he said, "please calm down."

"I am calm! The fact I am not kicking your ass is already Buddha's level of calmness. In the end, you don't know why you approached me. You think I might be your soulmate or someone you could love. Do you even love me?"

"Yes, I do. Very much. I love you and I need you, P'Arthit."

"Ah, is that right? Then do you want us to start dating?"

"...if that's what you want..."

"Say it like you mean it, why don't you." My eyes were daggers digging his face.

"I don't think I can date you normally."

"Oh."

"Because it would trigger the soulmate bond."

"The what now?"

"Sigh, you wouldn't understand."

"Yeah, like I understand anything about you, Kongpob. Why don't you just say it? I bet you it wouldn't be any more unbelievable than everything else."

"No, if I told you, you might worry and I don't want that."

"Okay, whatever!" I flipped my fingers through my hair. "Then you are agreeing to start dating?"

"Yes... with conditions."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Come on P'Arthit, if you know what I am sacrificing here."

"Just tell me the conditions." It's not as if I am taking any of this seriously.

"We can't get too intimate." Hmm. I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that. "And you have to let me go if it turns out that my soulmate is really someone else."

I moved away from Kongpob and tried to maintain control over my rolling anger. My phone started ringing but it was just background noise. "so, for your convenience, you expect me to start a relationship with you where I can't touch you how I like and I have to keep in mind that you are going to leave me for someone else at any time and I am supposed to just let you?"

"Yeah, I know. No one in their right mind would actually agree to that."

"Ah, so you are not just saying this because you don't know."

"I know very well that I am being unreasonable."

"no, you've always been unreasonable, in fact sometimes I like that about you, but this is just selfish and despicable, Kongpob. Why don't you give up on that person? You love me and I am here before your eyes, why should I be second to someone who isn't even here. I don't want to be something you can discard when someone better comes. "

"That's... not possible."

"Neither is this. If I am going to be in a relationship with you I want all of you, nothing less. I am not so easy, Kongpob." I turned to leave, walk out the way I came, and forget this guy for good.

"I didn't just say this without thinking about how you feel, P'Arthit. I thought about this every day since you left. How will I see you again? How will I be able to love you? All I thought about was you and I realized that I needed you and I needed my soulmate too. Equally. You are second to no one, P'Arthit, but... I don't have a choice here P'Arthit. I already made that choice many lifetimes ago."

"Then why bother now."

"Because like you said, you are the one before my eyes. I know where you are at all times but this is not true for my soulmate."

"So you are saying I am the one being unfair."

He choked and shook his head, "no, not true you are the most just person I know P'Arthit and I know you've past the limit of your endurance."

I bit my lip as I stared at him. Kongpob looked like he had really agonized about this. Although he was neat, maybe it wasn't my imagination that he has lost weight. Plus, was I really going to walk away and forget this guy. I didn't manage to do that for the past month, how long before I am able to.

"Then what if your soulmate comes. Am I supposed to step aside?"

"If you don't want to then don't."

"Are we going to share you then? Except wait, it wouldn't be fair because I have the no touching condition whereas he or she would be completely free. I am pretty sure I will go crazy before I allow that."

"I don't know what to say."

"Fine. I will allow this but under one condition. Unless I let you go, even if you find your soulmate you aren't allowed to go to them."

"That's..."

"Unreasonable?"

"Fair. I can't say anything else. If I am unable to love you as I love them, however, I hope you will let me go then."

I scoffed." As if I would want a man who hates being with me."

"Hate. That's not a feeling I would ever have for you, P'Arthit."

"Whatever," I showed a faked smile and started for the door.

"You are leaving?" he asked blinking.

"What, did you expect that I would just move back in here? Are you that unreasonable?"

He grunted and squeezed his hand before shaking his head no. "Take all the time you need... it's just... hurry. I wasn't kidding when I said I missed you. I am almost at my limit."

That was so unfair. It is so wrong how much I liked that and how happy it made me. I should be firmer, don't show that you are happy. Don't let him know how weak you are. I hid my flush and glared at him. "You got what you wanted but it's not enough, you want to have the last say. Okay fine, then I will do this."

I moved forward and kissed him on the cheek. Why am I doing that? My body is moving on its own. "This is okay right?"

Kongpob looked dazed and he smiled. A sweet smile that left my insides aching with want. "Yeah, that felt like it was okay. I guess because it is something not only lovers do."

I cleared my throat. Then does that mean we can explore what is counted as too intimate? Damn it, I am smiling about this. This is a messed up situation, don't love it so much, damn it.

"I-I have to go."

"If you must."

"Don't look at me leave and just go to the bedroom or something."

He chuckled. "If you miss me just hurry back tonight."

"Don't be silly." I turned and walked out the door faster than I can think. Somehow I feel I just dug myself a pit. It feels good but was probably very deep and dark.