Chapter 3

I was sleeping when P'Arthit returned from work. I usually slept on the couch these days and after P'Arthit left for work I would clean up the house. When I am bored I would go out to hang out with my friends. I know I can't continue like this, but you can think of this as a vacation from all my responsibilities. Right now P'Arthit was the only one who was busy, and when my friends are having classes I am usually at home missing him and counting the minutes till he would return.

But not today. When I returned to the apartment, the bed that was usually left with their sheets crumpled in many places was made and there was coffee as usual. P'Arthit couldn't cook otherwise I was sure that he would have made breakfast. The whole apartment just screamed remorse. P'Arthit must be kicking himself over what happened last night. I wished he wouldn't be so hard on himself, after all, I am the one to blame for this.

Taking this opportunity, I decided to go to sleep as I had spent the whole night in a café and didn't get a wink of sleep. I dropped on the bed only to take in a deep whiff of P'Arthit's smell. Unintentionally I took in a deep breath and pulled in more of his scent. This scent was all over the apartment and deeply on these sheets that if ever P'Arthit stopped living here his smell would linger for weeks.

I took another pull of it and fisted the sheets. P'Arthit's lips had been so soft. His hair in my fingers had felt like silk. I didn't have to try too hard to remember how his touch felt, the taste of his mouth, and how deep he had kissed me. A groan tore out from my lips.

Sitting up on the bed, I let out a frustrated sigh. My body was usually not so responsive, especially when it wasn't my soulmate. I have lived lives where I wasn't able to feel sexual attraction for most of it, almost living like a monk, but for some reason, my control shatters so easily when I am with P'Arthit. I didn't think it would be this easy for P'Arthit to get this deeply under my skin and out of my control. Last night scared the crap out of me and it cannot happen again.

I slept off on the couch. There was no way I would be able to sleep on that bed without getting turned on and since the object of my desire was both out of the vicinity and not an option, it was better not to torture myself.

I heard him enter the house carefully, tiptoeing around me. Either he just didn't want to wake me or he didn't want to deal with the aftermath of what happened. I wish I could do the same, but it was no use.

"P'Arthit," I called. In the dim room, I could make him out next to the couch. He stopped and turned his head my way.

"Did I wake you?"

"No, it's fine. I slept the day away anyway."

"Then I will turn on the light." After he said that, the room flooded with light. I shut my eyes briefly from their harsh glare. When I opened them, he was sitting on the opposite couch looking at me attentively.

"Where did you sleep?"

"I didn't," I replied.

"Oh, I thought as much. "He thought about something before adding, "next time—not that there would be a next time, but just, you know don't run off like that. Instead, I will go."

"That's the thing," I smiled, "I don't want you to go."

His expression turned confused for a moment, and then he seemed to shake it off and smiled. "If you don't want there to be a next time you should probably stop saying lines like that."

I nodded." Sorry, you are right. I know that I am sending you a lot of missed signals."

He laughed." So you know."

"I don't know why I do it. "

"What's the point of saying that? You've always been like that. I can't say that I don't wish you'd make up your mind already, about what you want, but at the same time..." I liked the smile he was showing me. It makes me more aware that P'Arthit's feelings weren't what I thought they were. They were not the simple things I tried to brush off before. "I guess I am just used to it. Did you eat?"

He didn't wait for my response before walking off into the kitchen. "I bought us something to eat if you haven't."

"I haven't, "I said following him with my eyes. Is this okay? Should I leave it here and go back to pretending that this wasn't going to end badly?

P'Arthit, for some reason, was determined to make me fall in love with him despite my rejection, and even though I know it would never work out, I wasn't pushing him away. I wanted P'Arthit around, but he would get hurt in the end, wouldn't he?

We spent the evening like we do most evenings. Eating noodles that P'Arthit heated and talking while seating on the balcony. P'Arthit told me about Nue.

"hm, Nue's father is the CEO of Marmot group, she could have worked there instead."

"That's what I thought."

"Well, she isn't the type of person that would have ulterior motives although her wanting to be your friend is a little strange."

"Why so?" P'Arthit asked while still having food in his mouth.

"Well..." I am convinced that Nue might have a genuine attachment for me, but I am not really certain. "Nothing," I said instead. "Just be careful that's all."

P'Arthit rolled his eyes. "Yes, Khun Kongpob. Are you really not going to go to school?"

"Should I? " It was getting rather boring just staying at home and doing nothing. "Or maybe I should just come to work with you there. I think I have enough qualifications for a small position."

P'Arthit laughed a shaky kind of laugh and avoided my gaze. "Don't even joke about that."

"Why not, you don't want to work with me?"

"That's my father's company, Kongpob. It's the last place I want you to be."

I sat back, still holding my empty plate. "You don't want me to meet your father?"

"yes." His voice was tight and I sensed finality in that word. P'Arthit wanted to drop the conversation.

"Why?"

His eyes flashed to me with biting heat, then softened. "Don't ask Kongpob, I don't want to talk about it."

"If I agreed to be with you, P'Arthit, would you keep me a secret from your father?"

"Wouldn't you do the same? You can't exactly choose who you want to be with can you, so why can't you understand this."

I didn't mean to push him so hard. P'Arhtit looked a little desperate as he waited for my answer. I reached out and took his hand. His fingers twitched and he looked at our hands with some confusion. I smiled at him. "No, I understand. I just want to know everything there is to know about you."

He blushed slightly and pulled his hand away as if burned. "That's not the line someone like you has the right to say."

"Ah, I forgot." I shouldn't be encouraging him. I have to keep a defined line between us. "P'Arthit, the chances of me returning your feelings...."

P'Arthit's eyes remained on the floor. We both knew what I was trying to say, and how it would end, yet it was too heavy for me to say and it was too painful for P'Arthit to hear.

"Actually, " I said with a light chuckle, "it is foolish to say that I don't already return those feelings. I mean, with the way that I feel, denying it anymore would just be stupid."

P'Arthit's eyes went wide slowly, his body leaning towards me unconsciously. I shouldn't say anything he would misunderstand, and I shouldn't give him hope.

"But I won't choose you," I said. " No matter how much you make me feel, no matter how happy you make me, and how much I want to be with you. P'Arthit, I won't choose you."

The silence was still but frail. I expected anger to be honest. I keep rejecting him, who wouldn't be angry.

"What is this." he scoffed and looked at me," here I thought you were going to say something new. it's the same thing, isn't it? and you already know my answer. I want to be with you Kongpob, for as long as I can. I don't care if you never choose me. but..."

His face flushed a little and he looked away briefly. What could he be thinking about? If only I could listen in on his thoughts.

"the thing is... you love me... right?"

My lips parted in surprise. "Yes... that's what I just—"

"the words, use them."

I let out a small sigh. P'Arthit can be surprisingly romantic at times. "I love you," I said. "I really love you, P'Arthit. even though—"

P'Arthit's palm pressed against my mouth and kept it shut. He slowly shook his head and said, "that's the best thing you've said all night, Kongpob"

I took his raised hand and pushed my lips against it. P'Arthit did not flinch away.

I cherish you, P'Arthit. More than you can ever know. Even if I don't deserve you, even if I may ruin you in the future, I won't stop cherishing you. And I hope that at the end of this line there is salvation for both of us.

My words will never reach P'Arthit. That was fine.

The author has something to say:  thank you for still reading this story up to this point. I honestly lost all motivation to continue this story but seeing the comments and the votes made me want to see it to the end. but it is a pointlessly long story so I don't know how that is going to work out. anyway, there will be another chapter early tomorrow. thank you for reading.