Chapter 13

My home loomed closer and closer as the car drove forward through bad road. No, not my home, the place Paula and my father lived. It was just two hours away from where I lived and yet this was the first time in four years I have come to it. I wouldn't have bothered and if I had a choice I wouldn't be on my way there right this moment.

A warm hand brushed mine and I lifted my eyes to meet clear and smiling ones. 'It's okay' his warmth seemed to be saying to me. I squeezed in answer and looked away.

I ran into Paula at the company. I don't know why it came as such a surprise. It was her father's company and she was going to show herself there sooner or later, but when she walked into my office that morning, I tensed up visibly and stared at her with my mouth open.

"Why are you so surprised, P'Arthit," she laughed. My office door was always kept open due to the fact that I shared it with Nue and didn't want any unnecessary rumors flying around. Paula closed it on her way in and I couldn't help staring at it.

"P'Arthit now, come on. You look like you don't want to be in the same room with me."

I pulled my shoulders in and relaxed them, removed my gaze from the door, and tried not to breathe too deeply. "What are you doing here, Paula."

My voice was awfully calm I wanted to check that it was mine. The girl in front of me is my sister. My half-sister who had all the privilege of being born a legitimate child, she immediately took that to mean that she could treat me any way she wanted, even going as far as to consider me her possession. She trampled on my pride many times, accused me of many things that I didn't nor could ever do, and then she finalized everything by sexually harassing me for years. I endured it all because I had no choice. I was indebted to our father since he saved my mother and I had a deal with him. I promised to do everything he wanted from me for ten years. He is the reason I was able to live comfortably till now and finish my school, and since I wanted to finish my school and live comfortably without worrying about food and shelter, I let myself be abused over and over again.

Paula and her mother took turns at me. Humiliating me, depriving sometimes from entering the house, from eating in the house, from speaking and when that wasn't enough they would accuse me joyfully of sexual harassment. The one doing the sexual harassment was Paula herself.

She would dress provocatively and parade herself in front of me, force contact with me and do everything to make me unbearably uncomfortable.

Paula who after a very rough incident between us moved to the United States has returned and I could take that to mean my days of peace were over. I saw her at the restaurant just two days ago and now she has appeared before me again. There was no need to be so surprised and I should not let her see me affected.

"I didn't come to make a problem for you, P'Arthit," she was saying as she took a seat. I continued to stand and look at her. She sighed at me and gestured to my seat. "Can you please sit and talk to me for a bit?"

"I don't want to," I replied simply. There was no need for civility and we weren't anywhere she could do whatever she wanted. "I would like you to leave my office."

I headed to the door and opened it to let her out. If I entertained her even a little she would use it against me. The cold shoulder was the only language that Paula listened to and I have to make sure she understood.

Paula did not move. She remained sitting, lifted her eyebrow, and folded her arms. I took that to mean that she didn't have anything important planned to do today, and she had all day to make me miserable.

I returned to my table with my eyes on her, picked up the folder on it that I had been walking on, and excused myself from my own office. Maybe I should have kicked her out more seriously and this looked like I was running away from her but I didn't care. Dealing with Paula was something I wasn't good at and will never be able to do.

Later in the day, I got a call from my father asking me to see him. I went to his office and of course, Paula was there. I hesitated briefly at the door then I walked in and only gave my father all my attention.

"Did you know that your sister is back," he said.

I wanted to say that she was not my sister. I wanted to say nothing, but the silence was not allowed when talking to my father unless demanded. "Yes," I replied.

"Good. Then you know that this calls for a welcome home party. Also, after what happened, Paula has some things she would like to say to the family. I would like you to visit the house this weekend."

"I refuse," I said. It wasn't a conscious decision to say that out loud but it was as though the force of my rejection was too powerful to keep quiet that the words slipped out unconsciously.

"What did you say?" my father's voice had gone very low. I have tried not to annoy him these past four years and I have always done as he asked, even when I didn't want to. There was nothing like refusing him. I made it seem like I didn't have my own desire, until now.

"I don't have anything to say to her and I don't want to hear anything she has to say. That is my decision. I have done everything you wanted all these years but this is where I draw the line." Now that I have voiced my refusal it was as if I couldn't stop myself anymore.

"P'Arthit," Paula said behind me but I didn't listen to her.

"This is what I am demanding from you and whether you want to or not does not matter, you hear me, Arthit. You must make yourself available in the house."

"Don't force him, Dad."

"I won't go even if you say that," I said.

"Why not."

"It would be like walking into the devil's den.
"

"Are you calling my wife and daughter devils? Are you calling me a devil? Perhaps you have forgotten who you have to thank for your life and your mother's life. For the house that you live in and the clothes you wear."

I blinked away from my father's stubborn face and tried to hold back my words.

"Dad, enough. Let me handle this." Paula was on her feet touching her father's hand, then she was looking at me. "P'Arthit," she clasped her hands together. "Don't be angry with dad for saying that. I know how it looks like we are not giving you a choice but that's just because I am desperate. I want your forgiveness."

That word stole my eyes from where I had it fixed resolutely at the wall. Paula looked at me with wide eyes her hands still clasped. "Forgiveness," I said. "For what exactly. What have you done to me that you think I can forgive."

"I know, I have done so many horrible things to you."

"No, "I interrupted her. "I don't care what you know or what you think you are trying to do, just leave me out of it. I want nothing to do with you, Paula."

My father's chair scraped heavily as he rose to his feet. "You won't give your sister a chance to explain herself?!"

I glanced at my father and said nothing. There was no amount of intimidation he could use that would force me to listen to this. Whatever game Paula was playing didn't have anything to with me. I have managed to cut her out of my life thus far, never mind that it took her flying over the sea to achieve it, I will not let her slither back in.

Paula hushed my father with quiet kind words and I merely stood there like a wall, saying nothing or refusing to hear anything they said to me. Soon Paula gave up.

"Fine. If you don't want to forgive me then don't, I won't force you and if you won't let me be your sister, that is also fine. Please know that I have changed. Life away from Thailand has opened my eyes to how I treated you, when I think about what I did to you... I feel like killing myself. I hate myself more than you can ever hate me, P'Arthit."

I scoffed.

"Can you not think about it as the silliness of a child?"

My eyes that looked at my father must have been as sharp as a knife because he flinched. He did not know just how deep Paula cut me, what and what she did. The incident that finally sent Paula abroad and hopefully to some kind of reform school was just the tip of the iceberg. He didn't know the nights Paula came to my room and demanded things from me, threatening to ruin my life if I didn't comply. The silliness of a child. There was nothing child-like about the request she made me.

"I just want to forget everything," I said. "I don't want to see you or have anything to with you."

"How can you say that to—" my father was interrupted by Paula grabbing his hand.

"Okay. That's fine. I understand, but can I just ask for this one thing? This weekend, please come home just once. Mom is very sick and she too wants to talk to you. We both have regrets about how we treated you."

"It was Paula who talked to your step mom about letting go of her hatred of you. Winry now knows that she was wrong to have not accepted you as a son. You have to see her before..."

I fisted my hands. Damn it. They are making it difficult for me to say no. My step mom had despised me, and honestly with good reason. I was a bastard son who threatened her because I was my father's only heir. She had no love for me nor do I have any for her. Since they are making it seem like she is on her death bed does that mean I have to forgive her.

"You don't have to forgive her but just let her say what she wants to say, you only have to hear and then you can say goodbye to us forever. I won't ever appear in your life again. I promise."

I didn't believe her and yet it was tempting to take up the offer. If I never see Paula and her mother again it would be the best thing that has ever happened to me and all I had to do was spend one weekend in their house. Something tells me it wouldn't be that simple. Yet...

I worried over it for almost a week, worrying Kongpob. I can't believe he thought it was about Rin. Yes, Rin and I are having a cold war. After that Saturday when we talked and she slapped me, we haven't talked again. Usually, we would call each other at least once a day or send texts but nothing.

Rin was right, I admit. I gave in too easily to Kongpob, especially after how long he dragged me along but can I a drowning man refuse the hand reaching out to save him just because of that. I love Kongpob so much that even if he told me he would still love his soulmate and keep me by the side I would have said yes. I did say yes. Still, I shouldn't have accused Rin of just wanting me to keep my promise to her. That was a low blow.

Rin loves me, is still in love with me, and probably always will be the longer we are together. I didn't trust that her anger at me for accepting Kongpob was purely out of concern still, I shouldn't have said that. I hurt her and would have to make it up to her really soon.

For now, the gates of a house I swore I would never return to was in front of me.

"P'Arthit?" Kongpob grabbed for my hand and I greedily held it back despite the fact we said we would only be here as friends. I needed him, he was my anchor, that's the reason I brought him along. If anything was about to go wrong or drag me down, I trusted him to pull me away.

"Are you going to be okay?" his voice sounded worried. I tried to smile at him but it likely came out as a grimace.

"It's just two days. I think that is enough to keep me going."

"You don't have to stay that long either, we are leaving the instant things get uncomfortable." I nodded and would have smiled back if Kongpob hadn't dropped my hand so fast. When I turned to the direction he was looking I found Paula on the balcony of her room looking at us, her mouth slightly open. She turned in a hurry and I knew she was coming to us. Kongpob was right to let my hand go but still I felt cold and glanced his way. Did he look a little nervous? There was something fidgety about him. I guess all I told him about my family must have tensed him up.

Before I could say something for reassurance, the gate was opening and Paula was on the other side. "P'Arthit!" she sounded breathless. "You really came!"

Her excitement was peculiar. She looked ready to start laughing, her eyes twinkling. It was a look I don't remember seeing on her. She used to look... older than her age. Her eyes held a vindictive glint, a devious look, and malice for me that I didn't understand. This Paula made me more tense and apprehensive like I was waiting for a lion to pounce.

"Who is this?" she asked when I just stood there, neither rejecting nor accepting her welcome. My eyes traveled to Kongpob and I wished I could just say my boyfriend. The desire to be as possessive as possible was very strong and I wanted to flaunt my happiness in her face. I was stopped by the thought of what my father would do if I did. It was best to keep my lips sealed.

"My friend, "I said. "Kongpob, this is Paula."

"We've met before haven't we, "Paula said causing me to frown. I looked at Kongpob and his eyes were on her.

"I don't quite remember," he said. "You must be P'Arthit's sister."

"Yes. I could have sworn we've met before."

"You are mistaken," I snapped. If Kongpob knew her he would have said something.

"Hmm. If you say so. Let's go inside. Father and mother have been waiting for you."

Kongpob held the small bag we brought with us and we both walked into the house. The air was cool in my throat, the smell of fresh mint. We walked into the living room led by the sound coming from the television. My father sat alone in the living room his eyes on the screen. When we came in view he simply nodded at us, never changing his expression but his eyes zeroed on Kongpob.

"Dad, P'Arthit is here." Paula ran to his side. "He brought a friend."

Kongpob waied to him and was accepted with a nod. "This is the first time Arthit is bringing a friend to see me."

I didn't show any outward reaction to that. He knew I didn't come here to see him or his wife. I was here to end this part of my life for good. That is all I wanted.

"You can sit." Kongpob and I sat down next to one another, me not letting any space be between us. He glanced at me, smiled and distanced himself. I almost followed but his fingers pressed on my arm so I stayed. I didn't like it. Even if I said we would only come as friends, he didn't need to be so strict about it.

I felt that I was pouting a little and quickly glanced at my father and Paula to see if they noticed. They were oblivious.

"I'll go get mom, "Paula was saying.

"She doesn't need to come down. Arthit, go up and greet your mother."

"My mother is two hours away from here," I said.

They both ignored me. "It's fine, Dad. I'll get mom down, she wouldn't mind."

"If that's what you want to do." He ceded easily and didn't try to order me around like usual. I looked at Kongpob and his eyes were fixed on Paula following her all the way to the stairs. When she paused and turned around he glanced away and blinked a few times. He noticed me staring and straightened.

After hearing about the tiny details of my time with Paula, I knew Kongpob may have developed some dislike for her but was that dislike I saw in his gaze just now. It looked like curiosity.

"Oh where are my manners," Paula turned around and said. "I'll get someone to get you something to drink. What would you like?"

She was asking Kongpob but he wasn't answering. He swallowed a few times then he shook his head, "I don't want anything."

"You look thirsty. I can just get you water, right? And for you P'Arthit, pink milk?"

It was my turn to blink a few times. "How do you know..."

She laughed. "Sorry, I asked around. I thought I should know a few things about you first."

"That isn't creepy at all," I said totally creeped out.

"Ah, I'm sorry if it seems weird."

"It is weird. I don't want you to know anything about me. Just thinking about you going around asking about me like some stalker makes me sick—"

Kongpob grabbed my arm, interrupting what I was saying. He shook his head with a smile. "Pink milk is fine."

"It's okay, Kongpob. He has every right to dislike me. I deserve it. P'Arthit, I won't get angry no matter what you say to me. I will keep trying my best and maybe one day you won't hate me so much." She smiled like a pure person which cause bile to rise in my throat.

"That's not why I came here, don't forget. I just want you out of my life forever."

"Arthit!" my father shouted my name and the room went really quiet save for my slightly fast breath. Seeing Paula smile made me tense and shaky. I didn't want to be in the same room with her or hear her voice. I just want this weekend to be over so I never have to see her again.

"You promised to give this a chance. If you didn't mean that then you should just get out." My father and I glared at each other. It was as though I had the permission I was waiting for. I tried to get up but Kongpob held my hand and refuse to let go.

"Apologize, "he said. My glare crumpled and I looked at him as if he had lost his mind.

"Apologize," he repeated. "you said you wanted this to be the end. Why are you making it difficult?"

"I am not—"I glanced around and saw that the three set of eyes were all looking at me like I was causing trouble for them. "fine," I said through gritted teeth, shook Kongpob's arm off and got up.

His worried expression both pleased and irritated me in equal proportion but I said, "I will go see her and speed things up should I?"

Without wasting time, I turned for the stairs. I was already at the top when Paula got to me. "P'Arthit, you don't have to go up there."

"It's what you wanted and I am doing it so that I never have to do anything you want ever again."

"No, that wasn't—"

I ignored whatever she was saying and walked all the way to the hallway that led to the rooms. My eyes caught the one facing me and I stopped, staring at that brown door as memories assaulted me. I stayed out late reading because I didn't want to come into that room. When I came back from school I would get the feeling someone had been in there, sleeping on my bed and leaving their body fluid. My door was destroyed so I couldn't lock it at night. When I am in the shower she would sneak and grab me while I am still in my towel.

I remember calling out for someone and getting her mother instead who she slapped me, accused me of trying to sleep with Paula and It was at this very hall that she had the driver beat me up and broke my arm. I remembered how I lived in that room. It was a big room, had things that I couldn't have been able to afford, yet it felt like hell each and every day.

"P'Arthit," Paula was right behind me. Too close, I could feel her breath around my neck traveling into my shirt. I reacted on instinct and turned to shove her off. My elbow connected with her face first and she screamed. The scream was so loud it tore through the house.

I turned in horror. She had dropped to the ground, her nose bloody and her fingers gripping it. Her eyes watered endlessly even as she nursed the nose. Before I could find the words to say people were already running over.

Our father took a look at the scene and glared at me" what did you do you bastard!"

That's right. I am his bastard son. Just like that the tiny feather of remorse I felt slowly turned to dust and I said with all the resentment I had raging in me, "that's what you get for standing so close to me."

Just then Kongpob came around and looked at me in such a way that I felt like someone poured cold water on my head. Disappointment. Kongpob was disappointed in me, and he was angry. After that look I watched him lower himself to Paula and touched her shoulder. I tensed but didn't move. Kongpob was mad at me. Why though. He didn't need to act like this, that's not why I brought him here.

Like an extra limb, I stood there uselessly as the two people worked to get Paula up and off the ground. Drops of blood trailed her as she was led down the stairs.

"Get the bleeding to stop," my father was saying to Kongpob as he took Paula away. They shouldn't be alone together. I began to follow them but my father stood in front of me. He obviously wanted to talk with me but I moved around to pass him.

"If you don't want to be here then why did you come?"

I stopped walking and turned my face towards him. Why did he think I came? Haven't I been saying that all this time?

He sighed and walked over to me so he was by my side. "You hate your sister that much? I know Paula humiliated you, I know she caused you pain, but she is still your sister. Can't you just forgive her, even as she is trying so hard?"

"Is she?" I asked. All I could see was Paula using another tactics to torment me. She hasn't changed, she couldn't. She was the devil herself and always has been. She would never change and I will never be fooled into thinking that all her acting was anything but that, acting.

"Paula went through a lot in the states. She was childish before and I admit she was spoiled. I am at fault for how she behaved, but she has learnt that it was wrong. She sincerely wants to get along with you. If you can't do that, If you can't forgive her then... pretend. Just for this weekend, these two days, pretend to get along so she would feel better."

The way my father was talking to me was too unusual. He wasn't the type of person who believed in forgiveness whether to ask for it or to give it. He believed only in repaying. Anything done to him or anything he does to others has to be repaid. Has Paula also talked him to behaving like this? Did she think I wouldn't see it.

"That's fine with me. As long as Paula doesn't do anything I will get along just fine for these two days." I said my piece and went after Kongpob and Paula in the kitchen. I spent too long talking to my father because now those two seemed to have gotten close.

At the door I peaked at them. Paula took off the tissue paper she had used to block the bleeding then she leaned forward.

"Look at it, is it broken? It feels broken."

"It's not, I told you it's not. It will just be a little swollen, don't worry. Here, press with this."

Paula took what Kongpob was offering, probably something cold, and pressed it to her nose. The bruise was starting to purple and looked horrible. I did that to her. I have never laid a hand on Paula and this had been an accident. Seeing her hurt didn't please me like I thought it would.

"The café," Paula said. "That's where I saw you, you were staring at me."

Kongpob didn't deny it like I thought he would. He busied himself with keeping away the tissue paper instead.

"I thought why is such a good looking guy staring at me like that. I wanted to talk with you but you disappeared with the speed of light."

So Kongpob did know her, or didn't he? My fingers gripped the handle of the door too tight and made a sound. The two heads turned my way and Kongpob walked over.

"Are you okay?" he asked me. I don't know why but I was expecting a scolding instead he held my gaze with concern. I almost folded into him, hug him and try to take some reassurance from his body but I didn't. I looked away trying to hold onto my rising annoyance.

"I'm fine." My voice was harsher than I wanted to sound.

Kongpob tilted his head. He could read me like a book. "What's wrong?"

Before I could answer a woman walked towards us and I inched away from Kongpob. Eyes like knives pierced me, ripped me apart within seconds. Ah, she still hates me. She doesn't care about my forgiveness, Winry, my step-mother still cannot stand me.