21. thoughts

It is hard for me to describe what it feels like to wake up in the morning and know that my dream is no longer a dream and that I am actually with the love of my life. I have always wanted it so much, since the day I saw him and fell in love with him, but I never really believed that there would ever be anything between us. At least not for the first two years.

Thanks to Suri, however, my opinion changed. For me, she was just a ticket to my goal and then became a very important person for me, whom I love and respect. I can't say enough that she kept her promise and brought Zhan and me together.

And now that Zhan and I are a couple, there is this overwhelming feeling inside of me, which is just impossible to describe. Not only did we become a couple, but we also shared a bed together and our first time. And actually, I should just be happy. But, why am I also afraid?

Afraid that one day I'll wake up and realize that none of this is true and that I've only dreamed it all? Afraid Zhan might start to miss living and working here in the States and regret moving back to Beijing because of me. I guess it's normal to be scared, but it overwhelmed me yesterday morning when I woke up as well as feeling incredible happiness because I just don't dream anymore.

This is our fourth day in the States and I still feel out of place here. Even though I met some of Zhan's friends, who are really normal and sometimes really cool. I miss my home country, my parents and even my stupid brother a lot. Fortunately, I'm finally going home soon.

But, does Zhan want to go home too? Last night I watched him with his friends. He was loose and relaxed, clowning around childishly with them, which I've never seen him do before. Of course not, I've only known him practically a few days. But it seemed like he feels much more comfortable and happy here than at home in Beijing.

Seeing him so exuberant and happy brought some silly thoughts to me and I wished I could have talked to Suri. Thoughts like just taking my suitcase, leaving a note for Zhan to stay here where he loves to be, going to the airport and flying back home alone.

I don't know why I suddenly felt this way and why these thoughts came to me. But I was really close to putting those thoughts into action. Because how could I expect him to give up all this, just for me? His life here, his work and his many friends.

We were in this club, everyone was dancing and laughing. Only I was sitting there, not knowing what to do. I love to dance and show others how I can dance, but yesterday I didn't feel like it. Yesterday I just saw a completely different Zhan than I knew. And suddenly there was this guilty conscience inside me that told me it was my fault that he was giving all this up for me.

I suddenly felt like I just wanted to cry. And when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get out of this club, I wanted to leave. I got up, walked towards the dressing rooms to pick up my jacket, when someone completely unexpected came up next to me and said, "Let's both go. Let's talk outside." It was Emma.

We got our jackets and then walked out of the club. We walked a few feet when she stopped me and said, "Your thoughts are wrong."

I asked her, "What do you mean? I don't understand."

"Well, I've been watching you all evening and I'm sure you're thinking now that Zhan belongs here, not in Beijing. That he should stay here, where he's made a life for himself, where he's worked a lot and where his friends are."

"I didn't say that."

"But you thought it Yibo. I know you only know me as the bitch who went after the man you love. But, I'm more than that. I am Zhan's best friend and as such I know him really well. And so, I'm telling you, whatever you're about to do, forget it. Zhan is not someone who makes reckless decisions. He has thought about all of this very carefully. And after thinking very carefully about what he really wants, what is important to him, he made his decision. He decided for China, for his family, and for you. And if you just leave now because you suddenly think he might regret his decision, you're hurting him more than you think."

Tears came to my eyes and I asked her, "What do you want me to do? I suddenly feel like it's my fault that he's giving all this up. That he's going to regret someday not to have stayed here."

"You know Yibo. The only reason Zhan has lasted this long is because of me. Because I've always been by his side. Just like Suri was always by your side. It was me who kept Zhan here. Not his apartment, his job, or those superficial friends. He stayed here because I'm his best friend. He always missed his family and always wanted to go back to them. But work and making money always came first for him. But now that Zhan is in love, there is nothing keeping him here. Because he just wants to be with you. He's already signed a contract with a modeling agency in Beijing, and he's already gotten assignments as a photographer. But do you know what he said to me on the beach a few days ago when he was so mad at me?"

"No, what?"

"That he doesn't care about the work. He only really cares about one thing. And that's you. He said to me that he can give up anything if he has to, except you. Because he loves you with all his heart. Nothing and no one could stop him from being with you. He said, he can' t take my feelings into consideration because he doesn't love me the way I love him. He said he has to be selfish and follow his heart. And his heart is attracting him to you."

"But then why is he so happy and exuberant here, but not at home?"

"Haha, Yibo. Zhan wants you to get to know him at his best. And you guys are just getting to know each other. Sure he's not like that yet because he's also afraid you won't love him for who he really is."

"I would love him anyway."

"And he knows that, too. Still, he's afraid. Just like you're scared now. So I can't tell you what to do. But I can give you some advice. If you really love Zhan, let's go back to the club now. Because I think he will already be panicking looking for you. Don't just think about your feelings and let your thoughts take possession of you. Also think about how Zhan will feel if you just run away."

"Mhhh, Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay, we'll go back."

"Very good. Then come." Said Emma.

We turned around, about to go back to the club, when Zhan came running. He immediately fell into my arms and cried. "Why did you just run away? Why?"

And for the second time, Emma jumped in and helped me, "I needed some fresh air and Yibo wanted to accompany me, afraid that I might get attacked if I was alone. We were just coming back." She said to Zhan. She's really good at lying.

I held Zhan in my arms, he rubbed his eyes and said, "Don't ever do that again Ok? Next time you'll let me know. I really panicked. You've been so quiet all evening, but I thought that was because you haven't met my friends yet. And I didn't want to force you to talk to them. And then we were dancing for a short while and suddenly I saw that you weren't sitting at the table anymore. I immediately panicked and thought you had left."

"Sorry Zhan, I didn't mean to scare you." I replied. And that's when I realized what Emma said was true. I can't just think about myself and run away. Zhan really loves me and I would have more than hurt his feelings if I kept following my stupid thoughts.

The three of us then went back to the club. But Zhan then wouldn't let me out of his sight. He clung to my arm and in a quiet moment where he and I were sitting alone at the table, he said to me, "I know you wanted to run away and leave me here alone. But I won't let you do that. I'm not going to lose you Yibo. I won't let you disappear from my life again. Because Yibo, honestly, I love you and I want to be with you."

"I love you too, more than anything. I'm sorry Zhan. I just had these confused thoughts that one day you'd regret leaving here, your life, your work, and your friends, and it's all because of me."

"I won't regret it Yibo. I didn't decide lightly you know. I thought it over very carefully. But in the end it was always the same result, I want to be with you. So please, if you have any thoughts, share them with me, talk to me and don't just disappear."

We talked it out and I promised him that next time I would talk to him right away instead of just continuing to think until I get to a point where I can't go any further.

Also, I was shocked when Zhan fell into my arms crying. I didn't expect such a strong reaction. And then I felt even more guilty. But after talking to him, I felt better. And also after Emma talked to me.

And for the first time, I really admired Emma. Because she put Zhan and his feelings, above her own feelings, just to make Zhan happy. That really deserves praise, in my opinion. Now I really know why she is Zhan's best friend and why Zhan insists that she remains his best friend even after that fight with her. She has earned my respect.

Zhan and I then left the club around 1 am and went to the hotel. We went to take a shower and as we were lying in bed like that, Zhan asked me if we wanted to rent our own apartment near my university. "It doesn't have to be a big apartment. But just a place where we can both live together. Because I think our every day means every day, we can't consummate when we live with our parents."

"To be honest, that thought has crossed my mind too. But I think we should both talk to our parents about it. I don't want to decide this here and now. Rather, that we should both talk to our parents about it together and see what they think."

"Mhm, that's a good idea, let's do that then." Replied Zhan.

We had then completed our, every day means every day, three times and then fell asleep exhausted but happy. And today we are finally going back to Beijing. But before that we say goodbye to Emma. We'll meet her at a restaurant, have dinner together and then head to the airport. My parents are really looking forward to seeing the two of us together. And I'm also looking forward to seeing my parents again. And my best friend Suri, who I have a lot to tell.

A/N: Not a funny chapter this time, but one to think about. To show how important communication is in a relationship. Especially when it's still very fresh.