Warning - contains descriptions of Mental Health issues

David and Fiona had stumbled through Christmas and New Year, neither of them full of festive cheer.  On the third of January, they had decided to have the ceremony for Joseph at Brompton Cemetery.

They didn't invite anyone. However, all the doctors and nurse from ITU who could attend did. All of the Grove Road boys and their partners were there. It was a bleak day to mark their bleak mood. The sky was steel grey. Freezing rain splattered on to their faces.

David was a wreck. He looked at the little coffin and he felt that the best part of him had gone for ever. He clasped Fiona to him. She was half the woman she was. He looked at her and she showed not one flicker of emotion.

Fiona couldn't cry. There were no feelings, not one, none. She saw the coffin. She knew it contained her baby. Nothing. She felt David's grief. Nothing. She felt the grief of everyone else. Nothing.

That night they lay next to each other. Words hung unsaid in the air. Since the accident, there hadn't been any physical intimacy between them. David thought about his lovely girl. The one he met in that lecture theatre 18 months ago. The one that walked him home from a party because he was too pissed. The one that spent Christmas with him last year. The one he made that baby with.

The memories of her pulled the desired effect. His arousal began. As quickly as it did, he thought of her lying in that bed a whisper from life. The call he got when she lost the baby. When they gave her last rights and she fought back. He was so angry he wanted to hurt someone very badly.

Fiona lay next to him. She knew him well enough that the sound of his breathing indicated his arousal. Then as soon as she noticed it, it was gone. The great connection between them was physical. She knew he loved her. He had demonstrated that. She also knew that David had the highest sex drive of anyone she had ever met. He hadn't lain a hand on her since she came back. Was this making a bad situation worse?

The next day David knew that something had changed. The atmosphere between them had no emotion. Fiona had been attending her therapist on a daily basis. He thought once she went she would start to heal. She seemed to get worse.

Instead, he slowly saw her become more distant to him.  The previous night she hadn't said more than one unnecessary word to him. This was his Fiona who could talk the hind legs off of a donkey.

He realised that the person he was in love with had gone very far away and the person left behind was a very sad ghost. That made him angry. Angry at who had done this. Angry at the universe for taking away his golden girl and leaving this shell behind.

He heard Fiona's key in the door. She dropped her bag and headed into the living room. She looked like the weight of the world was on her shoulders.

"David," she said softly, "we need to talk." She had been rehearsing the speech all day in her mind.

"I know," he said. He did. He knew that she was sad. He needed to hear her out.

They both sat together on the couch. Fiona took David's hand and looked at him directly.

"I want you to know that I deeply love you and I have never felt the same about anyone in my whole life. You are singly the kindest and most generous man I will ever know."

"OK babe, this is a bit of a worrying start to a conversation. It sounds like 'it's not you, it's me' fuck off thing that you say when you are dumping someone." David searched her face for answers. His stomach knotted when he realised he was right. "I am right aren't I?"

"David, we have been through a lot. More than some couples go through in a lifetime. The last year I have been so happy and so sad. Right now, I am broken. You are damaged by being with me. I am broken and I need to fix myself." Fiona looked at the ground.

David stood up. "Woah there! I am not damaged and yes you are not yourself but that will come in time." He had to fight for them. Fight to bring them back together. The way they were before. Full of lust and love. It had happened once. Surely it could happen again?

Fiona gazed up at him. "David, if we stay like this you will hate me and I will hate myself." There were many things Fiona could take in her life. David hating her was not one of them.

"What?" He laughed. "I don't hate you. In fact, I love you."

"You love the old me, David. Be honest. We need to be apart. You haven't laid a finger on me since the accident. You haven't as much as got hard around me. Jees David. In the past, I could be off of work in a disgusting uniform and I would have to hit it with a spoon to get your dick away from me."

David looked at the floor and took a seat next to Fiona.

"I just haven't felt like it." It was true. 

"David. Be honest. You haven't felt like it with me. I understand. You seeing me dying. Your thoughts your feelings, they must have changed. You would be made of stone for them not to." Fiona had talked it through with her therapist. She felt his rejection was him punishing her for losing the baby. Her therapist guided her thoughts around how David was feeling and how his thoughts would impact his emotions.

"Fiona, I do love you. I fancied the pants off of you. I would have happily died between your legs." he admitted.

"I know." She moved to kiss him. It was a small and gentle kiss. It was the first kiss in a long time for both of them. 

"What do we do now?" David was scared to ask the question but more scared of the answer.

"We need to part David. We need to go and find a life without each other. You need to find someone that every time they see you they don't feel they have let you down." Fiona stated quietly. 

"You didn't, you haven't." After all the conversations they had. She still felt a failure.

"I know. I know here," she pointed to her head, "but not here." She pointed to her heart. That part of her that stubbornly would not mend.

"I don't want you to leave," David said quietly. His insides felt as though a boa constrictor had taken up residence in his chest.

"I know. You don't want me to. I don't want to. We both know it's for the best. If you ask yourself honestly you know it's right." She knew he felt the same. He was existing next to her, not living.

"If it is right then why do I feel so sad?" David felt everything at this point. Fiona appeared to feel nothing.

"Because you and I had so much hope. We planned a life together," she said almost under her breath, "a family."

He hugged her. He planted a kiss on top of her head as the tears sprang from his eyes. He felt that the best part of him would be leaving with her. Forever. In one stupid bus journey, his whole future had gone.

They stayed in their embrace. David gathered himself to speak.

"Babe, how do we do this?" He had to understand the practicalities.

"I am going to move back to my Aunt's for a while. Then I am going to figure out what I am going to do."

"When?" He was afraid of her answer.

"Today, tonight. I will pack the things I need and then I will get the rest sent to me." she had quietly packed away her things ahead of today. 

"Shit! So quickly?" he stammered.

"I don't want to mess you around. You need to get on with life David. We have made the decision." 

"Honey you have," he said coldly. She had made the decision weeks ago he was sure.

"You know I am right though don't you?" she stated. She could see some part of relief on his face.

"Yes, yes I do. I don't want to be without you and we are miserable together." he sighed. He was miserable if he thought about it. Had he stayed so long because he thought she would change back? Out of duty? Guilt? Love?

"Why don't you call one of the lads and go for a pint. I will be packed and gone when you come back." Fiona knew that she could not pack with him watching. In the emotionally frozen state she was in she knew she would not be able to cope.

"Shit! That's cold isn't it?" David stated. 

"It would be a bit much to ask for you to help would it not?"

"True!"  He let her out of his grip. She was still thin, the scars were healing. Her eyes didn't sparkle anymore. "Should I go now?" he asked.

"Well, I think the longer we put it off the worse it will don't you?" she needed to go before she regretted her decision.

David hung his head. The realisation that they would not be together weighed heavily on his heart. He stood up and shook his head. "I am not happy Fiona. Not happy at all. I am not angry. I am not sad, I am just heartbroken."

Fiona made to speak. She could see he was getting angry.

"Save it, Fiona! I am going to the pub. I will be two hours. Please don't be here then. I may say things I will regret. I know you are not leaving me for someone else and that I am not enough for you..."

"David I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have Post Natal Depression and then I have abandonment issues from my mother. I am crazy mixed up. I am going to admit myself for treatment for three months in Scotland. " Fiona said quietly.

"Fiona," he said as though the air escaped from its own volition from his lips.  David slid to his knees and put his head on her lap.

She stroked his head. "I have put you through so much. I can't put you through anymore. You need to have a life, David. You aren't having one with me. We have too much together that means we cannot move on. Too much David. I need to heal, I need time and I don't want you to put your life on hold whilst I do it."

"I would. I would do anything." He meant it.

"I know. I know you would. I love you too much to ask. I love you too much to let you. I don't know how long this will take." She missed out that she felt nothing. She could see he was upset. To tell him she felt nothing and joyless would have been a hugely cruel. She was many things but not cruel."

"I love you," he said quietly

"I love you too." she meant the person who used to live in her body was in love with him.

David got up. He looked over his shoulder at her as he walked out of the door. Life would never be the same.

So that was a bit heavy?

Apologies to anyone who has had any of the mental health issues I have described for Fiona and they brought up any issues. I hope I have captured the issues with sensitivity.