Only two weeks after the accident, David had been called to sit the night through with Fiona. She was becoming dangerously ill again he had been warned. They had to take her back to theatre to stop her brain from becoming damaged. David spoke with her aunt and uncle who were at their wit's end he promised to keep them appraised of every change. 

Heather sat with David. They watched as they brought Fiona back from theatre. She blended in with the sheets she was so white. Heather stifled a sob as David took Fiona's hand and willed her back from where she was to recovery.

Heather, David and Jilly kept a rotation of cheerleaders at Fiona's side. They were unrelenting in making sure that Fiona was not alone and that someone was talking to her. Jilly read Jackie Collins novels to her. Heather read Jane Austen and Cosmopolitan to her. David made sure that all of her mixtapes were played constantly to Fiona and he read John Donne's love poems to her.

On day 20 post the accident Fiona woke up. They had reduced her sedation and Fiona responded well. She breathed on her own for the first time in three weeks. Once she was stable and all of the neurological tests had been completed they called David to see her.

He was on shift. He looked at Bill who nodded for David to go to ITU. He practically lived there now. David bounded up the stairs and steeled himself for the worst.

Suzie smiled at him." She has passed all of the neuro test David. There doesn't appear to be any physical long term damage. She remembers getting on the bus. I have asked for you to come before the police so don't be long."

She was pale and puffy. The marks from the surgical tape that kept in the ventilator stood out in her cheeks. She looked scared. She looked terrified. They had the mixtape on that she made for him when he left for Boston. His most precious item that he possessed.

"Hey, you." He managed softly, taking her hand.

Fiona's attention moved to David. She looked confused and then sad. "He's gone."

"Who is gone?" David replied, stroking her hand. Delighted inside that she could speak and comprehend. Her voice was husky from the ventilator.

"The baby. I lost him." The tears clouded her blue eyes.

"I know," David answered softly. He did. She miscarried on the 7th day in ITU. An 18 weeks baby that they identified as a boy. David and her aunt and uncle decided to bury the baby in Brompton Cemetary when Fiona was well enough. They made all of the arrangements. It was the second most heartbreaking moment of his life.

"David, you need to go. The police are here to talk to her.." Suzie interrupted them. 

"Ok, I will be back tonight and every night until you are well enough to come home." David kissed her hand. She was alive and she was fine. That is what mattered.

The day of Fiona's discharge from hospital duly arrived. She was terrified and elated all at the same time. She had been to hell and back physically. She almost died for the second time when she had an episode where she collected a lot of fluid on her brain. 

When the discharge papers were ready the nurse in charge called for David to come and get her. He was elated. David was desperate to get her home and nurture her back to full health. Fiona knew that they had moved the bed from David's old room to the living room in order that she would not have to attempt any stairs.

Fiona thought it was strange how fate turns out. The rehabilitation physiotherapist she had been allocated was Carla, David's first conquest when she arrived at Grove Road. The anaesthetist that had saved her life was Suzie and the first person to see her at the hospital had been Bill.

Carla the physiotherapist has been so patient with her. Making sure she could walk after spending eight weeks in bed. Fiona's legs had never felt so useless. Carla gave her loads of support and allowed her to vent her frustration at not being able to take herself to the toilet without help. It took Fiona a week to master the basics of walking and moving her body again.

David came into the ward with the wheelchair they had given her for the first few weeks. He looked absolutely terrified every time she winced or ached. She reassured him that she would not break and she wondered how they would get back to normal. What was normal. She hadn't been alone with him to have any kind of discussion.

"There you go, home!" David said proudly as he placed her on the bed in the living room. She looked tiny in his bed. Where once her hair would have spilt on his pillows and her womanly curves would have filled his heart with lust there was a different woman altogether.

Fiona felt that she was on stage there were so many people in the room. The problem was they were all looking at her as though she was a victim. Even Nikki and Lyn who she could always rely on for a healthy dose of sarcasm were strangely mute.

Jilly stood in the corner of the room. For the first time since she had met her Jilly didn't have a lit cigarette in her hand. "Darling! It's wonderful to have you back! Now there are drinks in the kitchen for everyone and I believe that Dan has purloined some canapés from his work."

Jilly ushered everyone into the kitchen and gave Fiona a wink as she did so.

"Wow, it must be two months since we were alone!" David laughed gently.

The tears ran down Fiona's face. She couldn't look at him without feeling that she had let him down. She felt so very empty and dull inside. She felt somehow that she had done something which made their baby die inside her.

"Oh, babe!" David kissed her head. He gently lowered himself onto the bed beside her and held her as tightly as he could without hurting her. He could see the scars on her body. The bright pink scars on her arms and legs where they removed the debris from her. He looked into her eyes and they were so full of sorrow that he couldn't catch his breath.

"I am so sorry David!" Fiona wailed. She was. She felt guilty and raw from her marrow.

"Me too." David was. He was as sorry for what had happened to another person as he could ever have been.David swallowed hard as the sobs wracked Fiona's body. He held her until the storm of emotions passed. He looked down and saw that her tears had soaked his shirt through."Babe, let it out. I don't know what to say to you to make you feel better. If knew the words I would find them."

"There aren't any David." Fiona manged to speak between sobs. "I feel so very sad and so very empty. Most of all David I feel so guilty. What if I didn't get on that bus. The baby...."

The next shower of tears began. David had never felt as useless in his life as he did at that very moment. He stroked her hair softly. He could see where the hair was growing back around the surgery site and he marvelled at how well she had progressed since the first day in ITU. The angry scars on her skull beginning to loose their pout. The fresh red hair defying the scars sprouting around them.

He didn't know if anyone had told her just how badly she had fared and how near to death she had been. She looked so fragile and weak. He didn't have the heart to discuss it with her now.

"David, can I ask a question?" she knew he would answer her.

"Sure babe, anything." he steeled himself for whatever she wanted to know.

"I died twice didn't I?" Fiona needed to know. She had been told snippets by the staff but she had trouble retaining facts in the first few weeks.

David's mind swam with what to tell her. He decided on the truth as she would find out anyway.

"Yes Fiona, once in the ambulance on the way from the crash and once in ITU when you need a cerebral shunt put in. Can I ask how you know?" David knew that Fiona had forgotten what she had been told. He was grateful that her memory had returned.

"I am not sure you will believe me." she replied softly, rapidly losing confidence.

David nodded for her to continue.

"I don't remember much beyond sitting down on the bus. I remember thinking that I was beginning to show and that my jeans were really tight and the next thing........Well, I felt as though I was covered in a warm blanket of love. Hard to explain really. He was there." Fiona looked at David to ensure he understood.

"Who was there Fi?" 

"The baby, but not a baby. He was an adult. He was so beautiful. He looked like you, with my freckles and my hair colour. He was about 20 ish I think and he was talking to me telling me it wasn't my time. You think I am mad don't you?" she looked at him for reassurance.

"No I don't, what else happened Fiona?" he nodded for her to continue. This was the most she had talked about what had happened.

"He said he would always be a part of you and a part of me. He was glad we made him and that he felt so much love from us both that he was happy to go to heaven and wait for us both to get there." Fiona needed David to know. She needed him to be aware of what Joseph told her. 

David stroked her hair gently to signal for her to keep talking. Since coming out of the coma she hasn't spoken about her ordeal. The police psychologist suggested to him that if she did open up to let her talk as something, however, small could bring back some memory or information that could be vital in the prosecution of the bomber.

"He was talking to me and then he turned me round and pushed me. It was then I remember being in the ambulance. The Paramedics looked so frightened David. When I opened my eyes they were so happy."

"I know. They spoke to me afterwards. They recognised you. They didn't want to lose one of their own. They said you survived because you were young and fit."

"The second time must have been when I was in the coma. It was lovely the baby, he called himself Joseph. I don't know why? Do you know any Joseph's?" Fiona needed to know. It was a nice name but not one she would have chosen.

"It was my grandfather's name on my father's side." he had to hold the emotion out of his voice.

"Oh, he seems to like the name. Anyway, I had spent the whole day chatting with him. He met me in a meadow. We sat making daisy chains, which was my favourite thing to do as a child. He is very knowledgable and very very funny. Anyway, I was chatting with him and my head was getting heavier and heavier. To the point where I felt that warm blanket come round me again. Oh, David, I wanted to go to sleep more than at any time in my life. Joseph kept prodding me awake. I got quite cross with him. Then he said I had to go and he wasn't coming back. I shouted after him and the more I shouted the better my head got."

Fiona sat on the bed and rose to speak to David eye to eye.

"He turned around and smiled at me and then roses dropped from the sky and covered me. One of them stuck in my mouth and I had to cough to get it out and that's when I came to."

Fiona's eyes swam with tears. She knew she sounded ridiculous. Somehow she needed David to know about Joseph.

"That's when I knew he had gone. That's when I knew I had lost the baby." Fiona couldn't look at David. He probably thought she was unhinged. Worse of all she couldn't face the guilt of losing his child.

"Fiona, you didn't do anything wrong!" David needed her to know that he was happy that she was alive.

"I don't know David. Did he know that I wanted him?" she wondered about the two weeks she was pregnant and David didn't know. She thought about when she wasn't sure what to do. Did Joseph know her thoughts?

"Of course he did! I wanted him from the second I knew about him. You need to heal Fiona. You have been so unwell and through so much. What can I do to make you feel better?" he had to make her better. She had to come back to him.

"Oh David I would love a bath." she would. Hospital baths are awful.

"OK, a bath is coming up!" David sprang off of the bed glad to be of use somehow.

 Fiona watched him leave and felt the pit of her stomach lurch. She felt lower than she ever had. Her heart was broken from the loss of a baby she never longed for but was given. She took some deep breaths in and steadied herself for the next onslaught which was getting in and out of the bath.

David came back into the room. He gently lifted Fiona who weighed as much as a child. He carried her up the stairs to the first-floor bathroom and sat her on the toilet.

"Do you want me to help you in?" David asked. She struggled with the smallest task.

Fiona nodded, exhausted from the small exertion of moving from the bed to the bottom of the stairs. She began to take her pyjama top off. David had to stop himself from gasping. Her rapid weight loss had shrunken her body and made her skin lose it lustre. The bright red scars from the surgery were all over her chest and arms. When she stood and took her bottoms off she looked like a little child. He could see all of her hip bones and the worst elements of the large scars on her legs.

Fiona noted David's reaction and silent tears ran down her cheeks. David helped her lower herself into the bath and he washed her hair and let her soak. All the time the tears kept sliding down her cheeks. Fiona placed her hand where she had began to feel the bump of the growing baby and now all she could feel was emptiness. The emptiness of her womb was echoed in her heart and mind. She felt all of the joy in the world had been removed. She sought in her mind for any piece of joy and she rested in Heather.

"Is Heather coming to see me?" she asked through her silent sobs.

David stopped washing her skinny arm for the third time. He didn't know what to say.

"Is she ok?" Fiona asked. Silently she hoped nothing untoward had happened to her as she was sure that she would not be able to cope.

"She is great! She is as big as a house and....." David smiled at her. Heather was very pregnant and everyone knew about it.

"None of you wanted to upset me by letting me see her so pregnant?" Fiona guessed.

"Were we wrong?" David did not want Fiona confronted by her loss too quickly.

"Yes but for all the right reasons. Can you ask her to come and see me? I would like that very much."

"Let me know when you are ready to come out. I will dry you off. I brought clean pyjamas and your fluffy dressing gown and then you can get some rest."

Fiona nodded. She looked at David unsure of how to phrase her statement without upsetting him.

"David, would you mind if I slept alone tonight? It's just I am so sore and I wouldn't want to waken you."

A look of relief washed over David's face which in one sense comforted Fiona and in another worried her.

"Sure honey. I will be in Bill's old room so if you need anything I can be down in a flash."

"Can you help me out please?" Fiona hated having to ask for any help. Was this life teaching her a lesson? She who was so self-sufficient, A plus student now asking to helped in with clothes and out of a bath. It was grounding. 

David lifted her out as if she was a child. With the care of a parent he dried, dressed and took her back to bed.

The waves of exhaustion came over Fiona and she fell almost immediately into a deep sleep.

David stayed with her until he was sure she was out and quietly left the room. He saw Jilly in the hallway. She motioned for him to go into the kitchen. Jilly had emptied the house when Fiona was in the bath which left only her and Emlyn in the kitchen.

David collapsed into a kitchen chair and placed his hands over his face. Emlyn sat next to him and placed his arm around his shoulders.

"She is so frail. I didn't know how frail she would be. She can hardly walk Jilly." David could not have been more concerned.

Jilly nodded. She placed a bottle of beer in front of David.

"I can't what if she needs me? I need to stay sober to help her."

"I am here Boston. You need as much rest as she does. You haven't slept in months. No offence darling but you look as bad as she does!"

"No, I want to do it!" David almost shouted, "Sorry Jilly, Sorry Ems. I am so frustrated and so bloody angry! How could anyone do this to her? How?"

"I don't know Boston." Emlyn replied honesty, " I think you could do with a break big guy. You have been working and then caring for Fi and helping the police. Mate you don't want to get ill. Who would look after her then?"

David sat up and looked at Jilly and Emlyn. He was so driven to get Fiona home. He had used up all of his energy supporting her that he completely forgot about himself. In that instance, he had never felt as tired as he did at that moment.

"You are right," he sighed. "I am going to bed. Will you listen out for her?"

"We promise!" They both agreed in unison. David took himself off to bed and collapsed into a deep sleep.

Heather heaved herself into the chair next to Fiona's bed. At nearly 30 weeks she felt she could not get any bigger. She looked at Fiona's frail pale body as she slept. Jilly had warned her she would be bad and warned her that she was hardly talking to anyone including David about the incident.

Fiona's eyes opened. As usual, she took a few seconds to gather her thoughts about where she was and to gain her bearings. The surgeons told her it would get better and that the feeling of disconnection was due to her surgery. She saw Heather and smiled as widely as she had in three months.

"My God! You are huge!" Fiona laughed.Heather was. She was sat here glowing looking the picture of health.

"You are tiny!" Heather shook her head. "You need to eat!" She had seen Fiona wasting away in ITU but she was practically anorexic.

"I am not hungry can you believe. When have I not been hungry? When I eat I am so exhausted I pass out." Fiona admitted.

"I am the opposite. I am hungry from when I open my eyes until I go to sleep!" Heather pointed to the biscuits in her handbags.

"Did David call you?" Fiona asked.

"He did. I came to see you in ITU when you were in the coma. I spoke to you for hours. I read you Cosmopolitan and Jane Austin's Persuasion as I know it's your favourite."

"I think I can remember that. Where you trying to do posh voices badly?"

"Yes! The nurses thought I was mad! David was there every day you know. It think he willed you to survive. He is absolutely in bits you know." 

"I do, he has been great. I don't know what I did to deserve him.How's the flat?"

"The flat is glorious, you can come over for Christmas Dinner with David if you like?"

"Bloody hell! Christmas! I forgot what time of year it was! I haven't got any presents or anything."

"Oh Fi! I am sorry, I forgot you had missed so much time. I can help if you want." 

"So much has happened since last year Heather. You and Bill. Me and David, the accident ......"

"I know. You need to take some time. I am sorry I am rushing you. You just look frail."

"Heather I am meeting with a therapist tomorrow. I don't know what to say or do at the moment. Perhaps speaking to her will help."

"I am sure it will. What about David? Is he seeing someone?" In Heather's opinion David was fairing worse than Fiona.

"I don't know." Fiona said. "I can't really talk to him about very much at the moment."

"Why? He is so worried about you. He never stops talking about what happened."

"Funny really isn't it? He can't look at me. I can't look at him without feeling guilty. I don't think we will get through this." Fiona admitted. What she didn't say was that they hadn't slept in the same bed. He hadn't looked at her the same way.

"Of course you will! You need to reset the wedding." Heather knew they were both nuts about oneanother. 

Fiona thought she would have wanted to reset the date immediately. She felt numb towards everything and everyone. She wanted to be excited about marriage not indifferent.

"Heather, to be fair," she began,"I feel so sad and empty about everything at the moment. I don't think that is the frame of mind for planning a Wedding."

"Of course it isn't! My heads battered with all of these hormones. I am sorry Fi, I just want you to be happy."

"Heather can I be really honest?" she needed to be.

"Of course." Heather was terrified at whatFiona would say next.

"I don't think I will ever be happy again." There she admitted it. Fiona had looked inside herself and outside of herself and nothing made her even slightly giggle.

"Shut up! Of course you will!" Heather's concern had just gone up two notches.

"Will I? I genuinely don't know." Fiona looked away and swallowed hard. She noticed over the last day or two that she had no more episodes of crying. No more tears. The reservoir was empty.

"Look, you are tired. You have been to hell and back. The therapist will help." Please God thought Heather.

"I don't know Heather. I have gone from feeling everything. Too much. Now I feel like my soul was anaesthetised"

Heather didn't know what to say. Instead she sat on the bed next to Fiona and gave her a hug. As she did the baby kicked against Fiona's stomach.

"Wow. It's a strong one!" Fiona managed a smile. That was the first one in days.

"There you go! You see something makes you happy. Perhaps going back to work might help?"

Fiona chewed on the inside of her lip. "I have been giving that some thought and I don't think I can."

"Why on earth not?" Heather knew that Fiona loved her job.

"Seeing people so happy with a baby. Not sure I can cope." she admitted.

"I hadn't thought of it that way." Heather stroked Fiona's arm.

"I can't see it any other way. Anyway the therapist will no doubt help."

Heather left Fiona more worried than comforted. She could see that she was physically improving from the bombing however she could see that she was mentally in a very bad way.

Sooo much to talk about

Will they get through this?

Why is Fiona so unfeeling?