It's been 3 days I am sitting in this room alone..

I was just sitting ,thinking ,and stalking my own news on internet...

How did it all came to this?

How did my life change this much?

When did I grew up this much to be an idol to feel hurt to feel lost to feel insecure of even having a friend who is a boy.

When I was kid everyone said my looks were so precious and that I should be an actor or model, boys would be in line for me even in middle school.

Now I grew up like a princess but I cant even look at someone without being insecure..

I never credit my true self so when I got older it looks like i came back ten times over.

And now I am sitting on the hospital bed, looking at my never stopping thoughts.

Tears dropped down my face as i read the hate comments saying i am a whore and untalented bitch and etc..

When did I became so stupid when did I became lost like this

I had a lot of moments that didn't last forever and I am trying to put it together how to love..

Why is it so wrong for me to love someone?

Me loving Taemin,or me being seen with Myungsoo.

Is it because I am an idol only?

They don't deserve this...

Why did my life became so complicated ..

I am far from my usual...

I couldn't ever figure out how to love, so I just kept on hurting and hurting because of my own feelings.

They deserve better than this.

"Naeun ah..."my mom was on the door with her watery eyes

"Mom.."I cried more as I run and hugged her..

"Mom I missed you too much , Mom I am tired ,, really really tired"I cried on her shoulders.

We both cried together for a long time until we went and sat on my bed.

we sat on my bed silently.

"mom should I just quit?" I asked her lowering my head

"Naeun ah..."she looked at me surprised but didnt say anything for a while

"Naeun-ah do what you makes you feel better mom will support your every desicion, don't just get hurt by yourself enduring everything.."mom said  as she hugged me.

"Mom I don't know , I really don't know what is right and what's wrong.." I cried in her chest...

we talked together for like an hour , we laughed, cried and shared things

You may think that i am overdosing it, its just that this is my first rumor and then the pictures that were taken.... it looks exactly like we were kissing and nearly making out.. its so hard that just because we are idols it gives the right to people to judge us.

"sweety I am sorry but I should go Saeun is alone in home and you know she hates staying alone.."she said as she kissed my forehead.

"arasso omma..."I hugged her once more before she went...

I went to the door to see manager oppa sitting in front of my room..

"oppa can you please call sajanim and say I need to talk to him quickly so can he please send some guards for us to get out of here?"I asked him and he nodded as he smiled at me..

"komawo oppa.."I smiled back.

I went in and changed my clothes as I grabbed my cap and sunglasses and went out of the room with manager oppa..

There were 4 bodyguards, paparazzi's were taking pictures non stopping they all were asking me questions , the flash of their cameras was making me get a head ache so I just run to the car with my bodyguards and manager oppa...

If they were like this for me.. what could have happened to myungsoo oppa...he must have gone through a lot of trouble...

It was very hard at first but as I continued on thinking I wondered why should I be hurting like this why was I in this situation I am just standing in a memory ..I feel better that I wanted to discuses my thought with sajanim..

i wonder How is myungsoo oppa? is he able to endure it unlike me?

I feel sorry that all this happened because of me..