Jackie-

The internal scarring is healing slower. More scars are overlapping me inside, and I can't stop it.

I'm hurting myself with my thoughts, not a blade.

I grimaced. I'd just written that down in my own notebook. After summer school, I'm not sharing a notebook.

At all.

I frowned and slammed it shut just as Ash walked in.

"Hey..." He smiled, his scar lifting a bit. His black hair was wonderful hobbit hair, as Danisnotonfire, one of my favorite YouTubers, said.

His green eyes, glistening like fiery emeralds, caught my own Tumblr blue eyes. I've been told that by Ally more than once. I smiled back, taking out my headphones.

He glanced at my notebook and frowned.

"You busy?" He smiled a little.

"Nah, Ash, it's fine. Just a journal."

"I don't want to intrude, but... could I read it?"

Since we had most of our classes together and he was new, he was paired with me for our first book project. This teacher, Ms. Rousseau, was tough! I loved it! He invited me to his house so that we could get it done early. That way, in the long run, there was less stress. I think he may have anxiety issues...

I took a glance in his bathroom cabinet... It was filled with prescriptions for all sorts of things...

He could overdose so easily... I wonder how he's doing...

I sighed.

"S-S-Sure. D-Don't tell a soul, A-Ash."

His eyes narrowed.

"Do you really want me to read it?"

"No..." I looked down, ashamed.

He sat down next to me, his eyes softened. Filled with... emotions of all sorts. I don't know what.

"Then I won't. Please don't be afraid of me..."

"I-I won't, y-y-you can read it, if you'd like..."

His eyes widened.

"No. I don't want to unless you are truly comfortable with it."

"A-Alright," I said, sighing and sitting back down.

He looked at me carefully, looking over every detail of my face.

I smiled a bit and grabbed the books. It was something we were supposed to read last year... Something called 'Looking for Alaska.'

He'd read it, too, it seemed as he jotted notes, looking over the rubric, making sure he got all we needed and more. He did a lot more than I did there. However, I typed the book report with no help from him.

Except a few spelling and grammar errors. And he added a few adjectives.

We did a good job!

"I think... we're done here," I said, looking over his rough sketches of Alaska and Pudge, the main characters.

They were the best. I'd never met someone who could draw so well. I could sing, and that's about it. My friend Ally is the writer, really.

He can draw.

Exceptionally well.

"Read it."

"What?" He looked up abruptly from proofreading our already perfect report.

"Read... read my journal..."

He gave me an 'are you serious' face.

I nodded. "Read it. You should know a bit. Read the first few poems."

He looked at me with deer-in-the-headlights eyes.

And then his little brother busted into the room.

"Hey, could I play Skyrim on your account? It's way better than Barbies..."

He looked over. "No. Play on your account, not Iris's, okay Ryan?"

"Alright."

He left, shutting the door completely.

"No," he said in a gravelly whisper. "I won't read it," he continued, normalcy returning to his voice.

"I can't do that to you."

I looked at him, eyes widened a bit.

After summer school, everyone already knew. Why didn't he want to know this loser's secrets?

They made fun of me every day for it. For my past. It wasn't funny.

It really wasn't funny.

And it put me back to square one.

But for some inexplicable reason, I felt safe with him.

Since we didn't live too far away, he walked me home. Turned out, he lived next to the condominium complex I lived in, so I talked the whole time and eventually asked him if I could come over everyday after school because my mom usually wasn't home and I had nothing to do. I told him I could help with his younger sisters and brothers. He had two little sisters, Iris and Calliope, and three younger brothers, Ryan, Augustus, and Mason.

Would it help if I put in in age order and told you something about them?

Ryan, who is thirteen, loves basketball and skateboarding. Of course.

Calliope, who is ten, loves painting nails and spa stuff.

Mason, who is Calliope's twin brother, loves helping her and he also enjoys basketball. He's actually really good. He loves Star Wars and that kind of thing, too.

Augustus, who everyone calls Gus, is five. He is adorable! He is a baseball fanatic and he loves all sorts of video games, including Harvest Moon.

And lastly, Iris, who is three now, just loves her little tiger, Snoopy, and enjoys cartoons of all sorts from all time periods, like Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes, and Mickey Mouse.

Especially Mickey Mouse.

For Once, dear Journal,

I'm happy to say

I'm glad to be

Alive

Today.

I shut it and turned off the lamp.

I can't wait to see them again. Finally, a reason to be alive.