I expected Ryan to be a mess for the week following Ryder's death, but he was handling everything surprisingly well and it was scaring me. I knew that deep down he was hurting beyond belief. I also knew that my episode at the hospital last Thursday probably played a big part in him feeling as though he had to pretend to be okay. He was more worried about my well being than his own and that wasn't going to end well.

My friends and Cade spent the week packing for college, as there was only about a week and a half before school started and Mr. and Mrs. Park had insisted Max go and get settled in a few days earlier, and since he and Gabby had gotten really cozy sometime over the last couple weeks, they were going together. Cade hadn't said much to me outside of asking about the service and funeral details, but he was the only person that I knew that'd be at UCLA and I needed to try and break the ice so we had one another next month and weren't just tossed in to the shark tank.

Now, as I watched Ryan pulling clothes from Ryder's drawers and setting them in a tubs, I felt a tightening in both my stomach and my chest. He'd been overworking himself with all of this and had hardly gotten any sleep.

"I talked to Cade this morning." Ryan broke the tense silence, his bare back still tome. "Said you two are talking about going in on an apartment together."

I was taken back by the words, mostly because he hadn't mentioned the other elephant prancing around the room the last week. We hadn't ever talked about what would happen with us once Ryder passed, we'd never sat down and questioned if it was just a summer fling or if we'd want it to be something more. I had wanted to, but there were far more important things to worry about the relationship crap. It seemed like Ryan didn't feel the same way.

"You're just going to take off, three hours away, and live with another guy?" he continued, finally turning around so his eyes were burning into mine. He'd grown tense again, and every muscle in his biceps seemed to harden as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"I can't afford dorms or an apartment on my own, Ryan."

He remained quiet for a second before he shook his head. "You could have asked me."

"Asked you what? You aren't even attending the school?"

"And? My girlfriend is." I blinked, staggering back a fraction hearing the words said aloud. "You think there's anything left for me here, Zoey? Everything I loved is gone. Being here is just a constant reminder of that."

I shifted on my feet, speechless for a good five minutes before saying, "Moving in together is a huge step, Ryan."

One I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with.

"You've been sleeping in this house, in my bed, for the last two months, Summers." he looked ready to roll his eyes. "We pretty much already do live together."

He wasn't wrong.

"I have money, Zoey." he finally dropped his arms limply to his sides and crossed the room to me. "I can help with the apartment. Hell, I don't care if Cade's there, but I. . . I want to be too. I don't want this to just. . . just end like everything else in my fucking life, you know?"

I extended my hand and touched it to his cheek. "It won't."

"He's such an asshole." There it was. The crack that I'd been anticipating for the last week and a half, finally spreading. "How could he do this?"

I didn't know how to respond verbally, so I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head against his chest. I felt his hand against my back moments later, but he didn't say anything else.

It was there, in Ryan's arms, that I finally took in my surroundings. Felt them. It was cold and despite there being furniture, clothes, and trash in every corner of the room, it felt empty.

*

"Hey, I think you're going to want to see this."

Ryan's sudden entrance and erratic behavior startled me from my quiet trance in front of the TV. Some old sitcom rerun was on a commercial break but I had been so lost in thought I couldn't even remember what had been on.

Not giving me an opportunity to respond, Ryan sat on the couch beside me and screened Ryder's phone to the Smart TV. I immediately sunk back into the cushion when his face lit up the big screen.

It had to have been at the beginning of summer as he didn't look too bad, just exhausted. Big, dark bags under his eyes, and lips chapped and bloodied.

"Ryan." The very sound of his voice makes a knot form in the back of my throat. "Man, I guess if you're watching this, I'm dead. It was inevitable, bro, and I want you to understand that none of it was your fault. I knew the moment I was diagnosed that I had to make a plan. It just went a little awry along the way. I'm sorry for what I said in the car the other night. About you not caring. I know it was you, Ry. I know that after Mom died Dad couldn't have cared less about us. Thank you. I know this list seems stupid to you, juvenile and dumb, but it was just dumb enough that you agreed to help me. Both of you did. I know you need her, man, deny it all you want. She needs you two. You both are just stubborn and convinced you're the problem when neither of you are. Take care of her, Ry, she's one of the good ones. And please, for the love of God, do not forget about me or I will haunt you, you hear? I love you, man."

I reached out and wrapped my hands around Ryan's bicep, but he wasn't fazed by the sudden movement or proximity to one another. He kept his jaw set and face unreadable as he went to the next video.

"Zoey Summers. Look, I want to start this off by apologizing for running over your rat." A small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as Ryder went on. "But, I'm also going to say I don't regret it! Because it was the start of a very long, complicated friendship that led us to this. I know you didn't want or have to agree to help me with that list, but you did anyway, and I knew that night that I hadn't misjudged you. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met, Zoey. I prayed that some of that strength might rub off on me these next couple months. I also knew the second I looked at the paperwork and saw those words that you were the first person that needed to know. Because I knew you'd be strong enough for my brother and best friend when the time finally came. I used to wonder why Ryan was always trying to get a rise out of you, but I finally understand it now. I think you do too, somewhere deep down. My mother loved you too, Zoey, and you remind me so much of her and sometimes I hate it. I hate it a lot. But it's that part of you, the same Zoey who agreed to this, that I need to take care of Ryan and Cade. I'll see you on the other side, beautiful."

His beautiful goodbye ended with a two fingered salute before the screen went black. I looked to Ryan on my left to find him already staring at me. There was a caution in his hands as he lifted them to touch my cheek, probably to try and catch the tears falling.

"You do." Ryan breathed softly.

"Do what?"

He swiped his thumb to catch a tear just under my left eye. "Remind me of Mom. Not physically or anything. Just. . . some women are just born with unbelievable strength and are able to push through anything and everything, things men wouldn't even dream to be able to survive."

"My mom too." I whispered.

The right side of his mouth curved upward. "Yeah, she's definitely one of them."

"I'm tired." I started to push off the couch, but he caught my wrist. "I really need to get some sleep, Ryan. We have the funeral tomorrow and then I have to finish packing."

His fingers inched there way up until they were wrapped securely around my forearm. "Come here."

I hesitated, but after a moment moved until I was standing in front of him.

"I wrote a pros and cons list a couple weeks ago." he said, staring at the closet door rather than at me. "On why I should live and why I should end my life."

"Ryan." I breathed, eyes immediately welling with tears again.

He slowly rose to his feet so he was standing over me, rather than having to look up.

"I had a lot on the list of why I should. So many it'd make you sick just looking at it." he averted his eyes from me again. "But there were two things on the list of why I should live that overpowered every singe one of those intrusive thoughts."

"Ryder." I said.

He brushed his thumb along my bottom lip. "And you."

"Ryan." I croaked, not sure what I could actually say to the confession he'd just made. It devastated me that he'd even considered taking his life, and the thought of it horrified me to say in the least.

"I'm not going anywhere." he assured me, "But I had been spending the entire summer trying to figure out why my brother had insisted you help until his confession. He saw something in me, in you, Zoey, that we can't see ourselves. He wanted to ensure that we'd be okay once he was gone."

I shook my head, now very much ready to go curl up in his bed.

"I know you're worried about me. I can feel you watching me every second of every day, waiting for me to break. But I won't, Zoey, so please stop stressing yourself out. I came to terms with this before he was admitted to the hospital, and sure I'll have my moments, but I know that he's no longer suffering, that he's up there being the annoying little idiot he is. And I'll thank God, him, and my mother every day that they allowed you to be a part of my life, for however long that may be."

I blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay, slowly resting my head against his chest.

"I'm not good with all this relationship crap or feelings, but this needed to be said. Tomorrow isn't promised, we have to live for and in today."