At some point after grabbing gas and some snacks, Ryan had joined Ryder in a snore fest. Both of them looked so peaceful, and I was able to come to the realization that I liked the Blake boys better when they were asleep. They were less irritating, and frankly, Ryan was starting to get under my skin in a way I wasn't exactly fond of. They also weren't exactly a sight for sore eyes with their entire faces being illuminated by the moon. Though Ryder was drooling a bit on his older brother's white shirt, leaving a stain, he still looked like the handsome devil-in-disguise Gabby and I had spent years admiring from afar. His dark hair was a tousled mess, a lock of it fall across his right eye, brushing the very edges of his sharp cheekbones. His arms were crossed, almost as if he'd fallen asleep hugging himself, possibly trying to hold himself together. Even though it was a light flex, I could still see the outline of his biceps on his right arm.

Ryan was sat more upright, his head against the window, a spot of condensation appearing and disappearing with every breath he took and let out. Like his brother, his hair had fallen over his eyes, making his skin appear eerily pale in contrast to the darkness of it. I could tell by the way he'd almost jolt himself awake every few seconds that he wasn't in a deep sleep.

My suspicions were confirmed when I parked the truck in the driveway of their house and he shifted a little bit, eyes still shut.

"Keys please." He mumbled sleepily. I turned them in the ignition, cutting the engine, and dropped them on to his lap. Sometime during his shifting, Ryder had woke up and was stretching his arms behind his head, scanning his surroundings like a lost child. Ryan grabbed his jacket from the floor and jumped out, hanging for a second and staring between Ryder and me.

"I actually had a decent time. You two behave yourselves. Goodnight." Without another word or waiting for a response, he headed up the steps and into his house. Ryder waited until the red door swung shut behind his older brother to lean back into the seat behind him.

"He's such a buzzkill." Ryder grumbled bitterly. "I don't understand why he even came if he was going to be a dick the entire time."

I frowned, the look that crossed Ryan's face the other night when I'd handed him the list surfacing. "He came because he's worried about you, Ryder."

"Worried?" Ryder looked over at me. "All I've ever been is the kid brother he's had to watch over our entire lives. He doesn't care. He'll be happy when I'm gone."

"Ryder, you know that isn't true. Do you not see how worried he is?" I replied. "I mean, I know you're an idiot, but he literally doesn't even try to hide how he's feeling."

"Whatever." Ryder quickly changed the subject. "Do you have like a curfew or anything?"

I raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure I should answer that. Why?"

"Because I'm going to grab Ryan's keys. I want to take you somewhere." He started to reach for the door handle, but I caught his wrist.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" I thought back to Ryan's threat. "Ryan seems to really care about this truck."

Ryder shrugged. "I don't care. Worst he can do is kill me and that'd actually be a blessing. He wouldn't do anything to you, either."

"Yeah, I don't know about that. Ry—" He jumped out, leaving the passenger door wide open and ran for his house. He stopped halfway up the stairs, grasping the wall encasing the front porch for a second. I unbuckled my seatbelt and started to reach for the handle on my side when he continued into the house. He was back out within seconds, walking this time.

He tossed the keys in once he was a few feet away, eyes wide. "Let's go."

*

I briefly considered the thought that Ryder was leading me to a place he'd ultimately end everything-and take me with him. We were in the middle of nowhere, in stark darkness, the moon and the headlights of the truck the only light for miles. Finally, after leading me to the top of a small mountain he had me park the truck and nodded, hopping out. I hurried out after him, afraid of what he may do up this high alone.

To my relief he slowed to a stop at the cliff a few feet away, throwing a look at me over his shoulder. "Come here. I promise it's not as bad as skydiving."

I hesitated, but finally slid the keys into the pocket of my jeans and joined him on the cliff, mouth falling agape once I was beside him. You could see the entire city from up here. They all looked like tiny little toy houses, set up in an array with a couple tiny lights illuminating them from up from within. A few of the bigger towers and skyscrapers toward central LA were barely visible as well, but I couldn't even begin to try and make out which they were.

"This is where I come to think." He plopped himself down at my feet, hugging his knees against his chest. "And occasionally bring a girl to fu—"

"Please don't finish that sentence." I said with a small smile, lowering myself beside him.

Why I'd agreed to just steal Ryan's car and drive around aimlessly without any knowledge of where we were going, I'd have to blame on my sympathy for Ryder. In hindsight though, this probably wasn't the best idea. Ryan would likely blow a gasket, and as he'd said, destroy me. Not to mention Ryder could completely dispose of the both of us and nobody would have any idea where our bodies were.

"I know Ryan cares." He said suddenly, breaking the silence. "But all of this, dying and leaving, is easier if I force myself to believe he doesn't. He's really making that hard though."

I reached over and touched his shoulder gently. "Think about the positives, Ryder. If you take the medication and-"

"I'm not doping myself up. I'm not lying in a hospital bed watching the clock as my life slowly slips through my fingertips, Zoey. I'd rather die knowing I lived. I'd rather die still myself."

I nodded. "But what about Ryan. You know he cares. You know he went through this before with your Mom. God forbid, you do pass away, do you really want to leave with your brother hating you? Or do you want to make the most of the time you have left with him."

I'd said something similar to Ryan yesterday, but Ryder seemed to absorb it a little more. He breathed in heavily and sighed, glancing over at me with a crooked smile. "And that, my love, is why I chose you to help me."

"I thought it was because you thought I wouldn't care about you if you died." I reminded him. "Like I'm some cold-hearted bitch."

"That was never what I meant to make it sound like, Zoey." He said softly, turning his body completely in my direction. "But it's a little of both. You've got a level head, unlike Ryan and me. You're like that annoying little angel on my shoulder and from the way Ryan acts around you, I'd say you're probably the same for him."

"Why are we here, Ryder?" I asked. "You're not going to kill me, are you?"

He snickered. "So highly you think of me, Zoey. No, I didn't bring you here for anything that involves either of us going off that cliff."

I couldn't say that the statement didn't give me relief.

"Then?" I prompted quietly.

"When. . . when the time comes and I pass, I want one thing. Not a funeral, not a big crap show of fake tears and people pretending they cared." He reached out and took my hand in his. "I want you to bring Ryan and Cade up here and release a lantern in memory of me. Because at the end of the day, you were the only three that will have truly gave a shit about me."

"Ryder—" I tried, but he moved closer, his blue eyes starting to glisten with tears.

"But my biggest ask of you, Zoey, is to take care of Ryan. Please." He squeezed my hand. "I know I act like I don't care, but I do, and I know once I'm gone, it's going to break the little thread of hope he's been holding on to for years. He'll be reeling and he. . . I don't know, I'm afraid he'll try to do something stupid. And right now, he seems to be fascinated with you, so I'm hoping you'll be able to bring him back."

"Fascinated?" I echoed.

He stared at me with a sad smile. "You know, kind of not sure whether he wants to bang you or not."

I tore my hand from his grip and slapped his shoulder with a gasp. "Ryder, stop!"

He pulled away, holding his hands up in surrender, but he was laughing so hard that his face was starting to turn red. Mine was red for an entirely different reason.

"I'm serious." Ryder said once he'd recollected himself, "You're the only girl I've really ever seen him open up to. He's never really liked a girl enough to keep her around."

I couldn't help but feel a sad hearing the words. Ryan had kind of explained why in the car earlier today, and it was heartbreaking knowing the reasoning behind Ryder's observation.

"Well, you can go ahead and tell him no for me." I responded, looking over Ryder's shoulder at the beautiful view of the city below. "I'm going to focus on—"

"Nope. I don't want to hear that you're going to focus on school. Let yourself live for once in your life, Zoey." Ryder interjected. "Even if that means falling in love. You're eventually going to have to let yourself fall for someone."

I looked at him for a couple minutes before shrugging a shoulder carelessly. "I really don't have to do anything. But even if I do eventually, I can ensure you it won't be with Ryan. We just. . . we're too different and I don't even know him."

Ryder smirked. "O-kay. Whatever you say. Falling in love with each other or not, please promise me you'll be there for him when the time comes."

I didn't even want to think about the possibility of Ryder actually dying, and staring at him beside me, tears still being held back in his eyes, I knew deep down the thought terrified him as well. Instead of allowing my own feelings to escape their tight confinements inside me, I moved closer to him and rested my head against his shoulder.

"Yeah, Ryder. I promise."

**

By the time we were finally able to manage to find our way home, I somehow wasn't shocked to find Ryan on his front porch, perched in an old rocking chair his mother had bought from my mother years ago.

Hearing the loud roaring of his truck's engine, he was in our faces as soon as we climbed out and stepped out.

"What the hell? What in your right mind made you think it was okay to steal my truck?" I opened my mouth to answer, but my words fell dry in my mouth when I saw he was directing his anger and question at Ryder.

"I needed to talk to Zoey. Your precious girls are okay, don't worry." Ryder slapped a hand against his brother's shoulder, then bowed in my direction with a nod. "Goodnight, Zoey. Tomorrow we're heading out bright and early so make sure to get your beauty sleep tonight."

Before I could smack him for his comment toward his brother, he disappeared behind the red front door of their house, leaving it ajar for Ryan.

"I mean, I expected this out of him." Ryan gestured with his thumb behind him. "But why did you go along with it?"

"He seemed pretty desperate. Plus he kinda just ran in, got the keys, threw them at me and told me to drive. I didn't have the heart to tell him no."

"Where'd you go?" He questioned, prying his keys from my closed fist. "It's late as hell, everything is closed."

I hadn't even bothered to check the time, and frankly after my conversation with Ryder and delving into my head about all the worst case scenarios of the outcome of his list, I had no desire to sleep.

"I don't know."

Ryan scoffed. "What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean I don't know, Ryan. He told me where to go and I went. It was dark, I couldn't take you back there during the day if you asked."

"What did he want to talk about?" He jumped to his next question, earning a yawn as a response out of me.

I guess I may be a little tired.

"Zoey." His use of my first name sounded so strange it lingered in the air for a few seconds.

"It was nothing. Just plans for. . . if something happens." I answered, voice barely audible despite their not being anything but an occasional chirp of a bird sounding through the quiet neighborhood.

"Plans such as?"

"Ryan." I sighed. "I can't keep answering all these questions. If you have them, ask him. I—"

"I've tried, Zoey." He said through his teeth. "He doesn't say anything to me. It's like he just wants me to disappear. If he wants that, Zoey, just tell me. I'm not going to sit here and waste my time."

I surprised both of us by grabbing his forearm. "I promise, Ryan, it's not that. He. . . he just feels it's easier to push you away then to let himself face reality. He needs you, even if he doesn't see that. Don't give up on him."

He stared down at my hand on his arm for a while, as if he were trying to figure out what his response was going to be. Finally, a bitter smile stretched across his face and he shook my hand off, only to have his knuckles brush against my cheek a second later.

"Better be careful, Zoey." He breathed out, "Almost sounds like your starting to get attached."