I shifted uncomfortably on Ryan's toolbox.

Though he'd been insistent that Ryan sat with me, the younger Blake had ignored his brother's requests and was in the midst of helping Ryan lay out a few thick blankets and pillows in the bed of his truck under my feet.

"You might want to grab an extra blanket." Ryder made a jab at his brother as he passed, then sent me a playful wink. "I mean, with her next to you all night, I'm sure you'll get all worked up."

It was a very Ryder thing to say and Ryan didn't even try and conjure up a comeback but shook his head in amusement. It was easy to forget that he was getting sicker by the day when he fell back into his old ways, made his old comments and sent those quirky, but weirdly contagious smiles. When he walked around the car and edged closer to me, my own smile faltered. Despite having been doing nothing but sleeping the last two days, he looked as if he hadn't gotten a wink in for months. His eyes had sunken even deeper into his ashen cheeks, the dark bags under them even more visible and protruding. His lips were so chapped that they'd lost a lot of the color and taken on the bloodied color of the blood he was continuously coughing up. His body was what was most startling to watch shift; a once athletic build had thinned out into skin and bones, made very apparent any time he lifted something and the shirt he wore rode up and revealed his rib cage.

"Can you help with this?" Ryan asked from the end of the bed, one of his eyebrows raised. I set my phone down on the toolbox and stood, joining him on the tailgate. As soon as I was within reaching distance, he knocked me off my feet and cradled me against his chest.

"Ryan! What are you doing?" I gasped, slapping my palm against his chest. He only smirked. "You better not throw me into that lake. I will kill you!"

The smile that lit his face was enough for me to hesitate in pounding my hands against his chest until he put me down. It was genuine, the only one I'd seen light his eyes in a while.

"Death's inevitable anyway. May as well have a good reason to be taken out."

He didn't give me enough time to process the morbid words before I was thrown into and submerged in the lake. I had to give him credit for not running, he stood with his arms crossed, waiting for me to come back up. I should have climbed out and punched him repeatedly, but my eyes shot passed his flexed arms and to Ryder. He was hunched over, one hand clutching his stomach, the other the tailgate, as he threw up the little he'd eaten on the way here. Ryan followed my gaze, and once he'd helped me out, bowed his head a bit, before we headed back toward his brother in silence.

**

Why Ryan had a spare Tee tucked safely under his passenger seat, I had no idea, but it came in handy tonight. He made sure to drape his leather jacket over my shoulders as well, probably feeling the guilt eating at him as he watched me shiver with the temperature dropping as night rolled around.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I said aloud, watching the lights shoot overhead in awe.

Ryan moved from his perch near the toolbox and joined me on the tailgate as he responded. "It's not the only thing taking my breath away tonight."

"Ha ha." I rolled my eyes, nudging him with my shoulder. "How many times have you used the line on girls before? Because that was terrible."

He leaned forward and brushed this thumb along my jaw. "I don't know what you've heard, but I'm not the type of guy to just hand my shirt out to chicks. This. This is why."

"What?" I asked, confused-by the fluttering in my stomach and chest or by his words, I wasn't sure. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm about to throw up again." Ryder groaned, making a gagging sound behind us. Ryan dropped his hand and threw a smirk back at his younger brother.

"I have to pee. Keep an eye on her."

Ryder snorted. "The truck or your girl?"

"Both."

Ryder waited until Ryan had disappeared from sight to size me up. "Zoey, you're so red right now I'd laugh if it didn't hurt."

That was enough to make me cringe. "Ryder, I—"

"He meant that he's turned on by the sight of you in his clothes." Ryder clarified. "I am way too nauseous to even think about you two getting it on out here while I'm asleep a few feet away."

This only made me blush more and I slapped my hands over my face, but when I peered through them, I found Ryder smiling despite his words.

"Thank you." he breathed, eyes on the sky.

"For what? Coming tonight? I told you I would help with this, even if I'm not happy with your decision to not listen to my mom."

He shook his head, waving his hand dismissively. "Not for that. For being here for him. I saw what you did the other night too. How you held him. He needs you, Zoe. When my time comes you're going to be his lifeline. You'll be the only reason he's holding on."

"Ryder, we're not. . . it's not like that."

"You're lying to yourself." he threw his head back and yawned, before adding. "You need him as much as he needs you. You both need to get over your bullshit and understand that."

I retracted my legs and hugged them against my chest, watching as Ryder inhaled shakily and exhaled slowly. I turned my head quickly before he could catch the tears threatening to fall, and wished for just a second that I could wake up from this nightmare.

*

It was well passed two in the morning by the time we got Ryder into his bed and situated with anything he needed.

"You think your parents are going to be pissed its so late?" Ryan asked as I closed Ryder's door, leaning back into the frame.

"I told them I wouldn't be back until tomorrow morning." That had been the plan before Ryder started throwing up again. "I might just crash here on the couch if you don't mind. I do not feel like explaining to Collin why I'm wearing your shirt."

He dropped his arms to his sides. "You're not sleeping on the couch, Zoey."

"Well I'm not sleeping with you." I responded just as snippy. "In case you weren't aware, you're a man, I'm a woman. And we aren't related nor are you my boyfriend. So that'd be-"

He touched his finger to my lips to shut me up. "I'll take the couch. I wasn't raised to allow a woman to sleep on that uncomfortable piece of crap while I lay in a comfortable bed."

Of course he had to go and be all gentlemanly and make me feel horrible for sleeping in his room while he is out there, in his own house.

I set my bag on the foot of the bed and crawled in without even bothering to text my parents I was back. He started toward his closet, probably to grab whatever he needed, but I caught his wrist as he passed.

"What?" he questioned.

I looked at the space to my right. "I mean, the bed is big enough for both of us."

"Didn't you just say—"

"I know what I said, Ryan." I replied. "But this is your house, and your room, I'm not making you sleep on the couch and you won't let me. So I guess this is the compromise."

I thought maybe he might fight me again, but his exhaustion must have been getting to him, because he sat on the side of the bed, and pulled his shirt over his head.

I think the part of my brain that had grasped onto all the rumors of him had expected his body to be beaten, bruised, scarred, and tatted. But it was a clean canvas outside of the memorial tattoo with a picture of his mother on his back, angel wings sprouted behind her long, dark hair. It was an incredibly detailed and intricate tattoo and made my heart clench for the boys and my mother.

"I'm taking my jeans off but if you want me to grab a pair of pajama pants I can."

"No, it's fine." I lowered myself into a sleeping position. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable in your own bed, Ryan."

"Well, I don't want you to feel all weird and uncomfortable either."

I smiled weakly. "I appreciate that. But I've been in bed with a guy in boxers before. Honestly, so often it doesn't bother me."

"You mean Loverboy?" he said with a sneer. "I'm honestly surprised he never tried anything on you."

"He's a good guy, Ryan." I defended quietly. "Maybe a little misguided and confused, but he's my best friend and we're going to get over this roadblock."

Or so I hoped. He'd been dry texting the last few days, and somewhere deep down, I knew that it was possible that as soon as we went our separate ways at the end of the summer, that it'd be possible I'd lose my best friends and be on my own.

"Can I ask a personal question?"

"How personal are we talking?"

Ryan chuckled. "Don't worry, I'm not going to ask what color panties your wearing."

"Sure." I rolled over so I was facing him. "They're rainbow colored with unicorns by the way."

The joke got a laugh out of him. Once he'd calmed himself and laid back, he asked, "When he kissed you the other night, was that your first kiss?"

"Yeah, that's way more personal than my underwear, Ryan!"

"Zoey, was it?"

I sighed. "Why does it matter to you?"

"Because what he did wasn't right. And if. . . if he took that from you it makes it a hell of a lot worse."

I shrugged. "Yeah. It was. But it doesn't matter. I'm not going to count it."

"I hate that pompous prick."

"The feeling is mutual." I answered with a laugh. "Although, I'm not sure why he hates you guys so much."

Ryan flexed his arms behind his head. "He's just jealous is all. Right now, I mean. That we're getting all your attention and he's not. Before? I have no idea. Maybe he was just angry we got everyone's attention?"

"Maybe."

I shifted a little and broke the silence. "Since you got to ask me a personal question its my turn."

"Shoot, Summers."

"Did you really sleep with half the graduating class last year?"

His head whipped in my direction so fast he yelped in pain and rubbed it. "Was that an actual rumor."

"Yes, sir."

"No, Zoey. I did not sleep with half the graduating class." He said it with a deadpan expression. "And before you ask your follow up question, I think I've been with about five girls in seven years. None serious. None ever stuck around long enough to get to know me, I wouldn't allow them too. But what did they all have in common? That they got to brag and make up bullshit stories of what didn't happen."

I frowned. "I'm sorry."

"It's whatever. I was too busy to try and correct any of that crap."

"I don't trust men." I muttered. "After what I watched my father put my mother through and all the lies he spat about them, I promised myself that I wouldn't lose my virginity to just some guy, let alone a guy in high school who I'd never see again once we graduated."

Ryan glanced over at me and smirked. "I want to say that you're smart for that, but the fact the fact that it was your father who made you believe that shit pisses me off. It's okay to feel, Zoey, and it's okay to fall in love. Although, I'm kinda a hypocrite in giving advice when it comes to that one."

"You know that it's just coincidence, right? What happened with your mom and Ryder? Not everyone that you love or that loves you is going to disappear or die, Ryan."

"Yeah?" he scoffed. "Because you're not going to run off to college four hours from here in a little over a month, right?"

It took me a minute to connect his question to the previous statement, and he seemed to realize what he'd said the same time I had.

"I didn't. . . I—"

I would blame my tiredness for the impulsive decision to kiss Ryan, but in my heart I knew better. He tensed at first, as if he were afraid it were a trap, before his hand slipped up my waist and to the back of my neck so he could deepen this kiss. After a moment, he gently nudged me away and whispered, "I have pretty good self control, but I don't know how long I can manage that with you."

I nodded, feeling the color return to my cheeks as I laid back down with my back to him. I felt him inch a little closer, the warmth of his body against my back, then whispered, "That's how you're supposed to be kissed."