I think deep down I believed that Ryder was going to miraculously wake up one day fully cured of cancer.

That couldn't be furthest from the reality that continued to set in with each day that came and passed. Ryder wasn't getting worse by the minute, the life slowly draining from his eyes. His list had been put on back burner for a little over a week as Ryan refused to help him do anything and was picking up extra shifts because he couldn't stand to be around Ryder longer than a few minutes.

"I want you to drive up to the beach." Ryder said in the middle of July, a couple weeks after our trip to the cemetery had knocked him on his ass. "You guys need to cliff dive for me. Plus it'll knock like three things off the list at ones. LA, cliff diving, and skinny dipping."

I glanced up from the paperwork of all the medications my mother had insisted I try to sit down and explain to Ryder, eyebrows raised. "Ry, you can barely walk."

"I'm not going." he grumbled. "I'm going to stay in the guest room at your house so your mom and sister and can keep an eye on me while you guys are gone."

I gasped, feigning disgust, "You expect me to spend more than a couple hours with Ryan alone?"

"You act like I don't see you two mentally undressing each other whenever you're in the same room. Or know that you've been sleeping in the same bed for two weeks." he eyed me knowingly. "But it won't be alone anyway, because I want you to invite your friends and Cade to go with you guys. I know that this list was supposed to be for me, Zoey, but it's also a great way for you to spend some more time with them before you guys head your separate ways."

That warmed my heart in a way I didn't like and I set the papers down on the nightstand before kicking my feet up on to the bed beside him.

"It's scary." I eventually whispered.

He tore his eyes from the TV screen and looked at me. "What? The movie?"

"No, watching you just. . ." I trailed off, unable to explain it without a knot forming in the back of my throat.

He dropped his head, but his hand found mine and he squeezed it. "I know. I was on your side once too. Watching my mom become this. . . this scared little girl after spending so many years admiring the strong woman she was."

"You can still get help, Ryder. My mom—"

"I need you to be ok with this decision, Zoey." he touched the back of his hand to my cheek. "Because when I pass, I don't want you to feel as though you could have done more. That you could have forced me to go through treatment. This is my choice, I would rather live in this agonizing pain than be numbed to a point that I have no recollection of anything."

I sighed. "I'm not ready, Ryder."

"Neither am I." he retorted immediately. "But we need to start considering the reality of everything. And you're the only person I can rely on to ensure everything is as I want it to be once I'm gone."

"Ryder, please, I can't—"

He met my eyes, and though they were still guarded, I could see the faintest of fear in them.

"I need you, Zoey. But more importantly Ryan will. You're the strongest person I know and I need you to use that strength right about now."

I shook my head, attempting to touch my hand to his frail shoulder, but he pushed my hand away and whispered, "I want to get some sleep."

Nodding, I slipped off his bed, grabbed the papers from the nightstand, and squeezed out through the small gap between the door and frame. I found Ryan, still a mess from work, hunched over the table, rifling through papers. Hearing my footsteps entering the room, he snuck a quick glance my way and asked, "How is he?"

I sat on the arm of the couch beside him. "Same as last night."

I leaned over and rested my head against his shoulder. "What are those? More paperwork from my mom?"

"Suicide notes."

I nearly fell off the couch hearing the words. "What?"

"Suicide notes." Ryan repeats slower, tossing the torn notebook pages on the table aggressively. "He wants to take his life before the cancer can like the selfish little shit he is."

I squeezed his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Ry."

"Our mom did it too. Always writing shit as if she were so sure she was going to die anyway. He was a fucking kid then and the disease tore her away from him, from me! You know, it's somehow worse with him, Zoey." he turned his head just a fraction so his eyes were burning into mine. "Because I've spent the last ten years of my life as an asshole that he looked up to. I wasn't a role model. I was a selfish and a jerk, a guy who went through girls and got into fights. I was a hypocrite. I told him to start acting one way while I was acting another. I didn't want him to become me, but I was also an idiot and didn't realize everything I did would influence him. Now I'm about to lose the kid before I can make any of it right and it isn't fair."

I rubbed his arm comfortingly, blinking away the tears that entered my eyes. "Ryan, you did the best you knew how. You were and still are learning and growing yourself. You can't expect to know everything. Ryder followed what you did because it was all he knew, but you can't blame yourself for it. You didn't know any better either, not until you saw the consequences of your actions in his. Don't beat your head over this. It's not going to help you and it sure as hell won't help Ryder."

He averted his gaze to the blank TV screen. "I can't lose him too, Zoey."

"I know." I whispered, but I couldn't find the right words to comfort him this time. What could I possibly say? Ryder refused treatment for months before we even knew, and even now, hardly able to move, he still refused any sort of medication to help him. "He wants us to go to LA. Cross a few more things off the list."

Ryan threw his hands up in exasperation. "How can he still care about that stupid list? He's literally dying in that room! Like hell I'm going to spend two days in another state when I could be spending them with him."

"Ryan." I whispered, "I think we should go. He. . . the more you keep trying to attack him over all of this, the more he's going to keep pushing you away."

"Let him!" Ryan snapped. "I don't care. He might as well take me out with him. Once he's gone I have nothing left to live for."

I winced and retracted my hand so I could cross it over my chest.

"You'll have Zoey." Ryder's quiet voice severed the tension radiating off his brother. "You'll have her family. And her friends."

Ryan shot to his feet and pressed his fingers into his temple. "Why is it so fucking hard to get through your thick skull to understand that I want her as far away from me as possible? I'm not letting her fall victim to this. . . this shit that follows me everywhere I go. Do you not understand that I lay awake at night asking God why it couldn't have been me that got sick? With me gone, everyone would be ok, they'd be happy, they'd move on as if I'd never existed."

Ryder didn't have the energy to fight or hold back his tears. He just stood at the entrance of the hallway, staring across the room at his older brother as tears flooded both his ashen cheeks.

"I never wanted this shit for you, Ryder!" Ryan continued. "That's why I took all of the pain, the burdens, and put them on to my own back. You deserved to have a chance at life."

"You're not cursed, Ry." Ryder managed to choke out. "Mom and me, that's just unfortunate circumstances. And Dad's a dick. You can't keep convincing yourself it's you. It's not."

Ryan looked ready to speak again, but Ryder pointed in my direction. "That is why I chose Zoey. None of this was ever about me, Ryan! The moment I found out I had cancer, I thought about you. How you'd suffer. How you'd break beyond repair. You wouldn't be able to come back from it, I knew that. That's why I made that stupid list. That's why I went to Zoey for help. Because I knew she could be the one thing on this fucking planet worth living for. This was all for you! You don't get to stand here and throw it all away over some dumb thought you spend so long convincing yourself of that it's coming true."

Ryan was so shocked he staggered back and grasped the back of the recliner for support.

"I knew the moment I was diagnosed that I was going to die my way, Ry. Whether you liked it or not because it's my body and my life. But you're stupider than I thought if you thought I was going to leave you to suffer in the aftermath of this alone. You need Zoey. You want her. Stop letting that dumb little voice in your head convince you otherwise."

Then he turned around and limped back to his bedroom, slamming his door shut so hard that it shook on its hinges. I tore my eyes from the hallway and looked back at Ryan, finding his eyes were already on me. They were glistening with tears, but none had broken the surface yet, and if I were being completely honest, I'm not sure I'd know how to handle it if they did.

Ryder's words had caught me off guard just as much they had him. This had all been a fabricated front so he could be sure that Ryan had somebody when he left. He never wanted to kill himself with all the items on that list. He'd lied to my face and I couldn't find it in me to hate him for it. Because he was only looking out for his brother the way Ryan had most of their childhood, I just didn't like that I'd been a pawn thrown into the mix.

"Zoey—" Ryan eventually started, but I cut him off.

"I told you I'd be here for you, Ryan. What he just said won't change that."

There was no relieved look. Or sad. Or angry. His expression was just pure devastation over his brother's words.

"Ryan, I'm here." I hesitated for a moment before crossing the room and taking him into my arms.