Find yourself;

to the old and new me

             Who am I?

                         What do I think of me? Do I love my existence? Am I grateful for it? 

               How would I describe myself?

                        I admit that if I were to be honest, the words that'd leave my mouth, wouldn't be the best.

           I used to be a butterfly, then became a vampire. But the moment I decided to change, a light in me was lit, tuned on; a stray of sun burned the vampire, the demon.

                      I would like to stay funny, I would like to stay fun. But the vulgar and the hurting jokes are not allowed anymore. I don't want them, I throw them out as the ashes; they have burned with the vampire. There's no place for malicious feelings.

                               I would like to be humble. I am not a know-it-all, and my ego can be fulfilled by my talents. There's no need to brag about them, however, whatsoever.

                  I would like to be loving and kind. Someone who people like to find themselves with. A light strong enough to light up other darkness. Someone who forgives, forgets and lets go.

         Someone who doesn't fail, but simply falls, stands up and learns. I would like to stop making the same mistakes.

             I would like to be patient and stop running. It's not healthy for me when I put so much pressure on myself. And I harm everyone around, while harming myself. Because the people who truly love you, feel your pain and suffer with you.

                     I would like to be strong. I would like to stop playing the victim. I was one once upon a time, but I have forgiven, I have forgotten and I have let go. I am not a victim anymore. I learned form what happened to me, from my past, and that's all I should keep from what I have lived.

                        A fiend is nothing of these things. I am an angel, I am a butterfly, I am light. God is bonded with me and I light up the way with the star that He is, with the sun and the moon that He is.

                            I am good. I am whatever I decide to be. And I have decided that I am not a creature full of rage, I am not a bad person. I am not a victim.

                           And, overall, I am not terrific, horrendous, or simply ugly. I am beautiful. God created me and my parents raised me with wonderful principles, values and boundaries. What is there, in me, that isn't beautiful, if I was created by the Heavens?

                                         My past is not my present and my past doesn't begin a year ago. My past is yesterday. My past is the one who wrote this a few seconds ago. I am ever-changing and every second is a new opportunity to change. 

               The person I was yesterday, the person laying on a bed, trying to convince her body to willfully die, is not the person I am today. 

                    Today, I'm new. And tomorrow, I'll be too. But I'll stay all those beautiful things I want to be. I already am all those beautiful things. I start today, now, the changing process, and I'll be patient with it, and try again until I am a classy, elegant, educated and well-formed comedian. A comedian that's humble, loving, kind. A talented girl who learns and is patient. A talented girl who's strong and not a victim. A beautiful girl, who loves herself. 

                             I was. Yes. But, today, I am.

                                          I have found myself.