Apologize II;

to the times I hurt myself

               I hurt myself. Almost a year ago, already. August 8th. I tried something awful and I'm glad it didn't work, and it's the first time I am saying that. Because today, I learned it could have costed me a liver.

                         I was looking for a quick, painless solution. Something that happened during my sleep, because I've already hurt too much, I didn't want to die hurting. I wanted to die peacefully.

                      I've been hitting myself way before that. Whenever I mess up, I go to the bathroom and cry. Then, stand in front of the mirror. My eyes are red, puffy, swollen. My lips are looking dangerously inflated. It's because I bit them so hard, for so long.

                    And then I raise my hand strike my cheek. Does it hurt? Yes. I have hurt myself. Too many times to count.

                        But I have hurt myself in other ways, worse ways.

                   I have pretended to be someone I am not. I'm not happy, I'm not feeling well. I put on a mask, a show, a façade when I'm not home, but I'm not strong enough to hold it for long, and it falls.

                      I am flawed. I'm a demon. A sociopath. Although far from a psychopath, because I feel too many feelings to fit in that description, to fall in that category. It's not pretty, it's not aesthetic, I don't like being this way. I am messed up and I mess up in consequence.

                         I have bitten too many words back, and that way, I have hurt myself, too. That's when and where the rage was born. I held back so much anger in my heart, I built grudges and I have never destroyed them. It's time for me to take care of that.

                   I have tried to befriend everyone, manipulate my attitude, so everyone likes me, but I won't ever be liked. The façade falls. I am depressed, I am anxious. But I am not a victim.

                    Only of my own self-destruction.

                     But I have good things, too. And I need to recover and restore the,.

            So I am sorry, for hurting myself. And I am sorry for trying to do it today again.

                              I forgive myself.