Which led me to a life of love and never in-loveable
Outwardly affection was the only connection
I could make with those I used
But I gotta take this heart and make it change for the better
By letting go of her
I'm moving on Darling look out below
Cuz there's a lot to let go                  

                                         Story of A Boy, Between The Trees

With my hands tight on the steering wheel, I fixed my eyes forward and tried to clear my head. It could just be a mistake. Worrying won’t do anything good.

The traffic was making my headache worse. Was Sarah really the one writing to me? I could’ve sworn that was her handwriting. My thoughts lingered on that as I finally saw the green road sign announcing that I was finally in Hopkinton.

Instead of going straight to Sarah’s house, I drove around town, passing by Gill’s, Hopkinton High with a green announcement board near the gates that said, “Go, go Hillers!” and the small shopping mart. It felt like a little had changed. Eventually, I drove by the local park where I first met Sarah.

I slowed down to a stop. Closing my eyes, I deliberated. Should I go? I made a deal with her. I couldn’t see her until she said so. Until she was ready. But that was three years ago, wasn’t it? How long would it take for her to be finally ready to see me?

Nodding to myself, I started the car. “I’d just take a look around. I won’t even have to show myself. Just one peek. Then I’ll go,” I mumbled to myself before stepping on the gas.

My mind was blank. What’d I say to her if she saw me? On that note, my cell phone rang. Reed’s name came up on the screen. I didn’t pick up and kept on driving.

In next to no time, I was already in a familiar neighborhood—what used to be my neighborhood. I parked two houses before arriving to Sarah’s. In the heat of the afternoon, no one was outside. But Freddy’s Toyota was in the garage so I was guessing they were home.

Right in front of the Byrne’s house was what used to be my home. I told Dad to sell it. But he just said that no one wanted to buy it. So technically, it was still ours. Maybe he was still hoping that we could go back in there someday.

The house didn’t look as neglected as I thought it’d be. The lawn was neatly kept, the porch, covered by a worn out curtain. Maybe Freddy was still taking care of it.

The sound of my fingers against the steering wheel was my only distraction as I waited for something to happen. For someone to get out of the house. After half an hour of craning my neck without any success, I put on my shades and got out of the car.

I’d be quick about it. Just one look. Then I’d be gone.

Discreetly, I jogged behind a lamppost right across Sarah’s house. Not like it was wide enough to hide me in broad daylight. But it was better than nothing. Again, I waited, trying to see through the open windows.

So this is how it feels to be a stalker, I thought, sneering nervously at myself.

In frustration, I finally crossed the street. I hid behind the old tree in the front lawn, noticing a small apple tree growing just beside it. Now that was new. I didn’t know apple trees could grow here. That was when I caught a glimpse of the narrow path leading to Sarah’s backyard garden. Seeing that no one was around, I sneaked to the side of the house, ducking when I passed by the kitchen window. On the count of three, I pushed the picket fence gates.

The gate creaked. It looked like the pieces of wood were going to fall off from the hinges. Unlike the way it was before it left—white and new—the wood was already mottled and gray. I was more surprised when I saw the garden Sarah was always raving about in her letters. The flowers were gone. Blues replaced by browns and grays. The small lot was now filled with grass and dead plants like it hadn’t been touched for years. So different from Sarah’s pictures.

Confused, I walked back to the front lawn, trying to make sense of everything. Just as I was about to cross the street to get to the car, I heard someone call me.

“Leon! Is that you?”

When I glanced over my shoulder, I saw Freddy in front of the mailbox. I was torn between running away and facing him. But my curiosity got the best of me. So I walked back to him, removing my shades as I did.

“Hi, Freddy,” I said, barely able to smile. “It’s been a while.”

He opened his mouth to speak but pressed it into a thin line instead. He was surprised, alright. All we could do was stare at each other in silence. Nothing much had changed about him. He was still the big guy I knew. Only, he had a bit more lines on his face as if more than three years had passed for him.

Unexpectedly, he froze when he saw me looking at the small blue box he was holding. It contained several neatly arranged blue envelopes. From my spot I could barely read what was written on them. But one thing was for sure; they were Sarah’s handwriting. Just like the ones I’d been receiving for a few years now.

Clearing his throat, Freddy immediately covered the box. Impatiently, I stepped to the mailbox and picked up the letter inside. Like the ones I’d received, the mailing address was Freddy’s handwriting. It was dated May 21st. Today.

“Where’s Sarah?” I asked, still blankly staring at the letter in my hand.

It seemed like Freddy couldn’t find his words for a moment. In the end, he said, “I… can explain.”

“Those,”—I looked at the small box in his arm—“are Sarah’s letters to me?”

He just nodded, looking down.

“When…” I paused, clearing the lump from my throat. “When did she write those?”

With a sigh, Freddy looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Two years ago.”

I nodded, not knowing what to think. “And she’s planning to give me these until when?”

“She planned…” he started, gazing down at the box as he trailed off into silence. “Until every letter has been sent to you.”

“Where’s she?” I asked again, sounding more demanding.

What was Sarah thinking? I’d at least expected her to answer me honestly. If writing to me was such a bother, she could have said so. It was so wrong to hope after all. I didn’t quite know what to think or what to feel. I was just… lost.

“I’ll take you to her,” Freddy answered resignedly. “Where’s your car?”

It was already a five minute drive along Main Street when Freddy broke the silence. His face was unreadable and I was kind of thankful for that. It was better than to see him sorry for me. I tried to think of words I’d say to Sarah, of questions I needed to ask her but nothing came up. As it turned out, I expected too much from her.

Couldn’t blame her. It’d been three years. If it was just up to me, I’d make every effort to see her even if I’d have to move heaven and earth to do it. I missed her so much I could die. But it was her decision. It got me thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have left. That I should’ve just stayed by her side whether she liked it or not. But my regrets won’t do any help now.

“Sarah wanted you to go,” he began, eyes lingering on the dashboard.

“Yeah,” I sniffed. “I know that now.” I couldn’t cut off on the sarcasm this time.

He then looked at me and now, pity was in his eyes. I hated seeing that so I kept my gaze on the road, trying to remember the directions he told me earlier. I hadn’t been in these parts of the town before so the place wasn’t familiar.

“She was sick, Leon,” he said without tearing his gaze away from me. “She had a tumor.”

I hit the break, the impact making me slam back into my seat. And then I looked back at him, stunned. “A… tumor?”

Freddy barely had time to recover from the sudden jolt before he could answer me. “Yes. A brain tumor.”

“So the headaches—“

“Early sign,” he nodded wearily. “When you went to LA to confront Moira’s niece, Sarah had a terrible headache and she collapsed. It was a good thing Matt was there. Took her to the hospital. And after the tests, the doctors found out what’s causing the headaches, the memory loss—“

“I thought they’d found nothing wrong with her in the scans after the accident?” I sounded panicky.

He nodded weakly as if doing so was taking all his energy away from him. “The doctors said it might be a delayed reaction because of the trauma after the accident. No one could really tell. It wasn’t anything cancerous but the tumor was still growing, they said that it was going to squeeze her brain sooner or later if we didn’t do anything. They had to get it removed while it was still small…” Freddy paused, letting out a sigh as he stared off into the window. “But Sarah refused.”

“S-she did? Why?”

He removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “The surgery was delicate. There’s only a fifty percent chance of survival. And if she did survive the operation, there could be complications. She could turn blind or be paralyzed for the rest of her life. There’s a chance that she might have amnesia again. Anything can happen. It could be that she won’t wake up anymore after the surgery. We could lose her.”

I realized I was breathing heavily as I thought about what he said. “And w-why… Why didn’t she tell me about this?”

“Because you know how she is…” he answered, his hands fisted on his lap. “She’s stubborn. She didn’t want to get in your way.”

“But she’s not…” I choked out, letting my head drop on the steering wheel. “And I’m guessing this is why she broke up with me?”

With a nod, he gave me a pat on the shoulder. “Hang in there, kid. Even I don’t understand my own daughter. Get out. I’ll drive.”

He was right. I couldn’t get us to our destination in this state. My mind was in chaos. Unwillingly, I got out of the driver’s seat and switched places with him. Once we were back on the road, he went on.

“After you left with your band for your world tour, her condition got worse. She lost consciousness every now and then. The headaches were getting worse too. There came a point when she couldn’t stand anymore. And she kept worrying that her hands won’t work soon—that she won’t be able to write to you anymore.”

“That’s why she wrote all those letters in advance,” I muttered vacantly, thinking of all the lost time.

I could’ve been there for Sarah when she most needed me. I could’ve comforted her when she was in pain. But I’d done nothing of that. While I was reaching for my dream, she was suffering.

Freddy nodded again. “Yes. She told me to send those to you. I just had a mix up problem recently,” he chuckled bitterly. “No matter what we do, we couldn’t persuade her to undergo the operation. She was afraid to lose her memories again. She was always saying that she’s fine. She was always smiling. And she’s always listening to your songs all the time.”

She kept saying those things before I go—that she’d always remember. That she won’t forget everything. I never thought she said those because of this.

“Then, one night,” he continued. “She had a terrible seizure and went straight into coma. Emma was crying so hard. I had to do something. So I signed the waiver so she could get the surgery. I had no choice. It was that or we’d have to accept that we were really going to lose her.”

“And then, what?”

Freddy gave me a look and slowed down to a stop somewhere in Mt. Auburn Street. “We’re here.”

“What happened to Sarah, Freddy? Tell me!” I demanded.

After giving me a weak smile, Freddy opened his door and got out, tilting his head to the other side of the road. “Come on. She’s in there.”

I didn’t waste my time asking. Mechanically, I practically threw myself out of the shotgun seat and followed him cross the street. My steps slowed down when I saw where we were about to go. The wide empty lot in front of us made me freeze in my spot. Even with its lively green, carefully trimmed lawn, the rows and rows of headstones glared grimly at me. It took a few seconds before it registered to me that I was staring at St. Paul’s Memorial.

“No,” I mumbled, my voice trembling. I shook my head. It couldn’t be.

Freddy casually glanced back at me as if this wasn’t such a big deal. There was this puzzled look about him that said, “Hey, what’s the matter?” How could he take this so lightly?

I backed away slowly. I was scared to know the rest. Scared to see it.

“Leon?” Freddy called as I turned my back on him and sprinted to my car like my life depended on it. And it did. I couldn’t accept the truth. I won’t. It’d kill me. “Wait, Leon! Listen to me!” he kept shouting as I pulled out of the small parking space and hit the gas.

Vacantly, I got out the car and let the valet parking guy do his job with it. I walked slowly into the hotel lobby, not minding the cameras that flashed on me. They were asking questions. I didn’t get a word they were saying, so I just kept walking, staring at the floor for some answers.

Next thing I knew, the security was already dragging me into the elevator. Moira was there, looking worriedly at me as she pressed the number seven on the set of elevator buttons. I could hear her but I couldn’t make out whatever it was she was saying.

Maybe I was dreaming. I just had to wake up from this nightmare.

The soft ding startled me as the elevator doors slid aside. Reed, Ricky and Chuck were there, waiting for us. They didn’t speak to me. They just gave me those vague looks. I walked past them, heading to my suite. Once I’d managed to unlock the door, I heard them calling my name.

Reed was the first one to catch up to me. He was trying to tell me something but the noise in my head was so loud I couldn’t make sense of it. I just stared right through him several seconds and gently pushed the door close.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur. Spent two hours locked up inside my hotel room, sitting on the floor. In a dark corner. Thought that maybe I’d fallen asleep but I’d never been more tired in my life. Didn’t have the energy to move or think. Heard loud knocks on the door. Ignored it.

Next thing I knew, the guys were helping me get dressed.

“Are you alright?” they kept saying over and over again. It started to irritate me.

Locked myself up in the bathroom. Stared at myself in the mirror for the longest time. “What should I do?” I kept asking myself. “What can I do?” My mind answered, “Nothing,” and I knew it was true.

Didn’t know how they got in. Got dragged back along the hallway. Reed folding the sleeves of my shirt as we walked. Moira smoothing up my hair. Ricky telling me to calm down.

“I’m calm,” I finally said.

Everyone froze. Dunno why. Moira nodded, trying to tell me something. Just nodded back at her. Was tired. Really tired. Wished I could sleep. Sleep long. Never wake up.

In a huge conference room. Lots of people. Sat in front of them. A nudge from my left. Chuck. Ignored him.

“Leon, you alright? Are you sure you can do this?” he asked, handing me my guitar.

Nodded at him. Lie. Wished Nate was here to take my place. Heard my cue. Strummed my guitar mechanically. Almost forgot the words. But tried to choke them out. Couldn’t smile for the crowd. No will to. Even if it was just pretend. Couldn’t pretend anymore. Not okay.

Remember that apple I left on your table

It’s been sitting in your fridge since last September

And all the time I’ve been staring when you’re not looking

I’ve been dying to know what on earth you are thinking

So can you tell me?

I realized, no. This couldn’t be a dream. A dream couldn’t have hurt so much like this. So much that I thought I was going crazy. I’d never know the answers to all the questions I wanted to ask her. There was nothing to know. Nothing to tell.

Sarah… can you just smile for me?

Forever, would you belong to me?

Even though you are hurting you’d smile like it’s nothing

What can I do?

I didn’t know how I survived the whole album launch. But I remembered Chuck having to answer the questions that were supposedly for me. I remembered forcing a smile when they took our last pictures. And before our after party, I took a pen and a piece of torn paper. In a corner of the empty conference room, I sat for a while and wrote to her for the last time. Even though I knew she won’t be able to read it. Even if my words won’t ever reach her anymore.

Dear Sarah,

I finally finished the song. After a long time, I’ve finally thought of the right words. I wanted it to be perfect because it’s a song for you. I wanted you to know how much you mean to me. I wanted to see your face as you’re listening to it and I hoped to see you smiling.

I’m sorry, Sarah. It came out a little too late, didn’t it? I’m so sorry you didn’t get to hear it. And I’m so sorry if I hadn’t been there for you. I wished I’d been and it breaks my heart just thinking about it.

Are you smiling at me from somewhere else, Sarah? I’ll try to smile too, someday.

Forever and Always,

Leon

When my alone time was up, Reed came to fetch me. “Let’s go, dude. The others are waiting.”

Nodding, I got up and left the letter on the table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Saturday. Promise :)