Chapter 35 – Honestly, I Don’t Know What to Call This

 I know the memories rushing into mind. 

I want to kiss your scars tonight. 

I'm laying here, 

'Cause you've gotta try,

You've gotta let me in, let me in                                      --The Fray

Nathan uneasily shifted on his seat just as he realized how silent the whole arena had become. “What on earth do you think you’re doing?” he hissed, covering the mic with his hand.

I didn’t look at him but smiled. “What I should’ve done long time ago.” Then, I lifted my gaze to the audience. There was a roll of murmurs from the front row, spreading across the whole place. It seemed that they’d figured it out for themselves.

Some girl from the crowd screamed, “Oh, my god! There are two Leons!!!”

With a deep breath, I said, “Well, I’d deny it but he looks just like me. What can I do?” I laughed a bit, nodding to myself. “This is my brother Nate”—I watched Nathan glare at me at the short version of his name and it was sweet!—“and this song is composed by him. It’s called, Summer Love. I hope you all be nice and try to like it.”

Laughter.

I closed my eyes as Ricky stroke the keys of the piano. And Reed, as he reluctant as he’d been to ditch his electric guitar for an acoustic one, joined Ricky in the intro. I was so caught up with the melody that the screams and rumble of voices bouncing off the walls of The O2 didn’t bother me at all.

They could think anything they want. I was over pretending like Nate didn’t exist. After all, there wasn’t any reason why he should still hide. Not like Camilla could stop me. I just did what she’d failed to do. Nate deserved to be known for his own person. Not just my double.

“You remember the words?” I leaned a little to the left and looked at Nate from the corner of my eye, letting out a snort.

Raising an eyebrow, Nathan picked up the mic from the stand and grunted, “Is that a rhetorical question? Of course, I remember. I composed this song.” He sounded proud though he was trying to look like he’d want to be anywhere but there.

With a shrug, I turned to the mic. “Big deal. Try making a whole album and then you can brag.”

“Poser,” he chided.

“Amateur,” I came back and we both smirked at each other after that.

When my cue came, I drew a deep breath and sung my part. I tried my best not to dwell on the meaning of the words. But no matter what I did, it was as if some sort of sad notes leaked with my voice.

He got back out of the car to wait in front of her door

To say he won’t go that far, that he’d wait for her call

His hands trembled with his heart; he looked up asking God,

‘Please make her want me to stay ‘cause she is all I have,’

While I let the music take control of me, my eyes scanned the crowd. All I could see were unmoving shadows. Nameless faces looked at me through the glaring light that burned in my vision. Just then, I saw Sarah’s face flash behind my lids. She was smiling, saying, “Even if you don’t see me there, I’ll see you.”

Then I thought she was wrong. Because I’d always see her even if she wasn’t there. Even if it was just in my memories, she’d be here by my side.

Nathan joined me in the next line. I almost stopped singing as my thoughts wandered far off, but I managed to do my part as the second voice. For tonight, I’d let him be the superstar. He earned it.

But now it’s too late; they had to part ways

Wishing they could make one last summer day

He said, “I want to see those summer eyes,”

“Your smile that’s brighter than the summer skies,”

“Your hands in mine, they feel like paradise,”

“If the time’s not right for the two of us,”

“Forever still waits and I’ll make it last…”

“Because life begins in those summer nights.”

My brother began the second verse of the song, sounding livelier than usual. He sounded a little too happy for his own good, I was beginning to think that maybe I’d been too nice to him for one sitting. Maybe I should start being hard on him again. The house would seem so boring without him being the evil super genius.

He said, “It’s over now,” as he pulled out of the driveway

And he remembered how she used to laugh out and say

“I don’t want to forget today that I’m with you,”

“And all the other days and all the small things we do…”

But it’s too late; he had to go away

Leaving her memories of a summer day

She said, “Someday we’ll watch those summer stars,”

“As we lie on the rooftop of the house,”

“Where we will live together, forever,”

“Through good and bad, for worse or for better,”

“We’re apart but the memories will last…”

“Because life begins in those summer nights.”

When the instrumental break came after we sung the chorus, Nate tilted his chair closer to me and whispered, “Don’t think you’ll get away with this, brother.”

“Actually, I was thinking quite the contrary,” I sneered. “War’s just begun.”

“It is on,” he smiled.

Three years later…

Tiredly, I sprawled on the couch inside my hotel suite. The travel from Nevada to Boston had left me drained. I stretched the stiffness out of my legs and yawned, accidentally kicking the luggage on the floor.

I eyed at my bags for a while. How long had it been since I’d actually unpacked all my things? Two, three years? For a long time, me and the band had been in the move—concerts, guestings, press cons, meet-and-greets. We’d never really settled down for a while. Or maybe, it was just me.

Ricky, Chuck and Reed went home for the rest of the weekend. It was their first homecoming after two years. For the longest time, I avoided bookings in Boston. It was just too near to Hopkinton. Too near to Sarah.

Less than an hour—that’s how long it’d take me to drive all the way to Hopkinton. Just the thought of it was tempting, I almost got out of my seat.

No, I told myself. All that was behind me. I’d moved on. Sarah had.

The TV droned on. My head somewhat ached. Maybe I really needed a pair of prescription glasses like what Elle had been telling me the past few months. But still, I couldn’t find time to have my eyes checked. Plus, Moira won’t like the idea of me wearing glasses again all the time. My nerdy days were over.

That’s life in Hollywood. Everyone would expect you to be in tiptop shape all the time like you’re some perfect imaginary being. Newsflash—no one’s perfect. Except for vampires. They were the trend. Girls seemed to think that pale, undead bloodsuckers were hot nowadays. They’re always young, fit, filthy rich and unexplainably sexy all the time.

So, yeah. I was finally done with the vampire movie two years ago. There’d been plans of a sequel. The producers were bugging Moira about it since I turned it down several months before the 4 O.D. American Invasion started. It wasn’t that I had issues about vampire movies and stuff but I wanted to focus on my music, especially now that 4 O’clock Deadline’s fourth album was just about to be launched. Plus, there’d been offers from a producer. It was a sitcom featuring the band. Nothing too huge, but at least, we’d get to settle down in one place for once. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.

With a sigh, I fumbled with the general remote to switch channels. Instead, the lights flickered on and off. When I pushed another button, the blinds went up and down. Then, the AC let out a strange droning noise that irritated me. I had to remember to call the front desk about that. But for the moment I tried to keep my eyes on the news.

It was about our recent concert in Vegas, rumors about Chuck’s new girlfriend after his breakup with pop diva Danielle Smith. Old news. Nothing to get too worked up about. The month won’t be complete without Chuck rousing up some rumors about him and his high key girls.

Next thing I knew, my brother’s face was being flashed on the TV. He just had a press con last week. Turned out, after I refused the offer for the vampire movie sequel, the producers were now kissing up to Nate’s butt so he’d take my place as Cain.

Remember Cain? The three hundred year-old vampire? No? Can’t blame you.

The only problem was, Hayden Levine—the leading lady for the prequel—won’t do it either if it wasn’t with me. Dunno what the hell was her problem with my brother but that was their problem, not mine.

I looked at the time in my celestial watch. Yeah. I hadn’t really switched watches for a long time. I hadn’t always been clingy to my stuff. But you could say it had some sentimental value.

I still had several hours before the album launch. I didn’t know when I started to hate free time. Having nothing to do meant more time to think and I was avoiding that. I’d sleep but the double espresso was already making its way into my system.

Blankly, I stared at the three blue envelopes on the coffee table. There were more in my backpack and they were piling up. So far, Sarah had been keeping her promise. Every week or two, she’d write to me. And I wrote back whenever I can, sending her postcards of the places I’d been, wishing she could be there with me. Every day, I waited for her response. I guessed that was what I looked forward to every morning when I woke up.

Our little private conversations kept me hoping. It was wrong, I knew that. I’d always known I was OC but now my fixation was going out of control.

I picked up the first envelope and opened it. Whenever I read her letters, it was like I wasn’t on earth but in another alternate reality where she was right in front of me, talking and smiling like I was her most favorite person in the world.

Dear Leon,

I just heard your new song. Becky gave me a copy last night and I fell asleep listening to it. I must say it’s brilliant. You’re really born for music and I’m so happy for you.

Did you see the pictures I sent you last month? I took them at the garden last spring. I thought the hydrangeas never looked more wonderful and I was just thinking that maybe you would want to see them in full bloom. I’m trying my best to tend to the garden and I plan to keep it as it is.

I hope you get the time to take a look at pictures. It’s really okay if you can’t. I know how busy you are nowadays.

I just finished the book you sent me. Paulo Coelho must be a genius.

“What book?” I asked myself, staring at the ceiling for an answer. Then I remembered about reading The Alchemist long time ago when I was still filming Cain. I thought it was good so I sent Sarah a copy. I knew she’d like it. But that was two years ago. Maybe she was too busy to read it at the time.

As soon as I received it, I flipped the first pages and fell in love with it instantly. Believe it or not, I read it all in one sitting. The moment I finished, I didn’t even realize that it was already the next day.

Odd, I thought. Then I saw the date on the back of the envelope—May 14, 2012. The date, the sender and the recipient were Sarah’s handwriting. But the address was more like Freddy’s. Couldn’t blame her. I’d been all over the world for the past few years so she must’ve had a hard time figuring out my address.

But then if Sarah had read the book immediately after she’d gotten it, then why was she telling me this only now? Maybe the book was sent late to her.

In her letters, she kept telling me that she was happy. That she was well. That I should smile and never worry about her. With every letter, the words changed. But the meaning was always kind of the same. She told me about herself, but she never answered my questions when I wrote back to her. At first, I thought that maybe she was just avoiding answering them. Or maybe, she wasn’t getting any of my letters. But now, it felt to me like she wasn’t really talking to me.

Frantically, I snatched the rest of the envelopes from the table and opened them. The pictures she was talking about in her previous letter came with the one dated June 6. The other was dated May 28th.

I looked at the pictures one by one. Sarah’s small garden was just as I had remembered it with the flowers so blue and lively. It was like it hadn’t changed at all. Like I hadn’t left. Like three years hadn’t passed.

I felt my forehead involuntarily crease, glancing at my watch, then my phone for the date. It was just the 21st of May. Maybe there’d been a mix up with the dates. But why would Sarah put an advanced date on her letters?

I wished I could ask her, or anyone from there that I know. But I hadn’t heard from Becky or my other friends or Freddy half a year after I left for LA. What I knew was that Freddy had kept in touch with Moira to ask where Sarah could send her letters. Other than that, he made no effort to talk to me.

Impatiently, I tapped my toes on the carpeted floor. My fingers drummed on the side table. My eyes involuntarily shifted left and right. I wanted to do something and fast. I just didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t seem to relax even after I breathed deeply and counted from one to fifty seven.

When are the guys coming back in the hotel? What’s taking them so long? Did they see Sarah?

Out of impulse, I took my cell phone from my pocket and texted Reed.

Wer r u now?

I placed the cell phone on the table, my eyes fixed on it. Minutes passed. There was still no answer. Cursing, I picked it up and dialled Reed’s number. I almost threw the phone out of the window when an electronic voice answered and told me he ‘is out of coverage area.’ Chuck and Ricky’s phone were turned off.

Great! Just great! Where in hell have they thrown themselves into that they couldn’t be reached? Would it kill them to answer? This is America, for God’s sake!

I resorted to pacing across the hall of the hotel lobby as I waited for the guys to come home. Every now and then, I looked at my watch. It was barely lunch time but they said they’d be here for lunch. When I got tired, I sat on the step of the staircase. I must’ve looked like an idiot. People were looking at me but I didn’t care.

Twice, the middle aged man from the reception approached me. “Do you need anything, sir?”

“No. Thanks.” It took every bit of restrain I had to keep myself from snapping at him when he asked the second time.

There was this strong feeling in my gut that told me something wasn’t right. I racked my brain for answers, recalling every detail of Sarah’s letters. Everything she told me. Any indication that my hunch was right.

“What is it this time, dude?” It was Reed who stood in front of me, looking at his phone. “I’ve got like ten messages from you telling us to come home.”

I stared blankly up at him for a second then stood up in an instant. I tried not to show the awkward look on my face and hid it with a scowl.

Chuck sniggered and nudged Ricky on the side. “Why? Is there a ghost in our suite?”

“No.” Act normal, I told myself.

“No?” Chuck doubted. “Isn’t that why you sleep in the car whenever you get your own room?”

“Uh, yeah…” I grunted, pretending to clear my throat. I still slept in the car whenever I thought of Sarah. But I’d rather tell them stupid alibis like ghosts instead of the truth. If anyone asked, I was alright. If that was completely true, I still couldn’t tell. “You’re late! I’m hungry. Let’s just… order room service.”

In times of humiliation, always be the first one to get angry. So far, it’d worked for me, so let’s stick with that.

I was marching across the hallway, to the elevator when I heard Ricky mutter, “Phew! I thought he was going to ask about Sarah,” before Reed and Chuck shushed him.

Quickly, I faced them. “What about Sarah?” I couldn’t stop myself.

The three of them exchanged meaningful looks. But no one answered me. They just stared at the floor or the ceiling or just below the short skirt of a receptionist that just happened to pass by. I could tell they were anxious about something.

“TELL ME!” My voice bounced off the walls of the lobby. All eyes were on me. Still, I waited for them to give me something. But when I realized none of them was going to talk, I started to Reed and said, “Keys.”

“W-what?” he stuttered.

“I said, give me the car keys, Reed,” I muttered through my teeth.

Reluctantly, he got the keys from his pocket and handed it to me. I snatched it from him and jogged out of the lobby, into the parking lot.

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Hi there! Anyone? Anyone at all? *wind blowing* Oh, well. If you're still there, I hope you liked this one. Sorry for the late update. Someone has to make a living you know. (lol) So there. see you soon! (Hopefully)

~shim :)