Should've kissed you there, I should've held your face

I should've watched those eyes, Instead of run in place

 I should've called you out, I should've called your name

I should've turned around, I should've looked again

I looked around and saw Sarah looking back at me. For a few seconds she held my gaze and went back to chatting with Matt as soon as she’d realized I wasn’t the first one who’d look away. I’d no idea what they were talking about, but Sarah seemed to be enjoying it. Or so it seemed.

Heavily, I stepped to them, stopping a few feet away. Their conversation went on like I wasn’t there. Maybe I was being selfish for wanting her all to myself when she wasn’t feeling the same. It wasn’t her fault that I was hurting like this. I did this to myself. I should’ve accepted from the very beginning that it won’t work.

“You know when the World War ended,” Sarah said to Matt, her voice lively and soft. “When the Soviet Union broke up, there’s this refugee who got separated from her family. And she ended up as a servant in a noble’s mansion but what they don’t know is that she’s really a countess.”

Back then, she used to tell me stories from every book she’d read before. And every time, she’d get really excited and her eyes would light up like a little child’s. Whether it was Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or The Da Vinci Code, listening to Sarah’s stories was one of my favorite memories and I’d only realized how much I missed it now. I secretly thought she’d be a great pre-school teacher but I never really got to tell her that.

“And then…” she paused, reluctant with deep sadness as her eyes looked far away to the sea. “And then, she fell in love with the aristocrat who took her in. But… he’s out of her league.”

Matt’s eyes never left Sarah’s face. One look and I knew he cared for her. Maybe as much as I did but in a different way. “I thought she was Countess? Won’t that make her like eligible to marry the rich guy?”

Gently, Sarah shook her head, smiling sadly. She hugged her knees, her toes digging into the sand. “No. There isn’t any monarchy to return to for her. Technically, she had no land to rule over. So, she’s like any other commoner now. She has lost all right to…” she stopped in midsentence, her mouth gaping slightly as she saw me standing behind her.

Before I could stop myself, my hand closed tightly around her wrist. I pulled her up and dragged her with me. She looked like she wanted to squirm but didn’t. Her eyes were wide with confusion as she followed me reluctantly.

“What the hell?!” Matt shouted at me, catching up to us. “Let her go, Walden!”

“Stay out of this,” I growled without looking at him.

I felt Sarah cringe beside me. “P-please,” she murmured as we stopped near the fire, just in front of my smirking brother.

That was when I sobered from my temporary lapse. I realized I might be hurting her. I couldn’t even look at her when my fingers slowly slipped from her wrist. My temper got the best of me. And so did my pride.

It made me so damn angry to see her with Matt. If I was this unstable I won’t be able to stay by her side as her friend after all.

A tense silence filled several seconds it took me to clear my head. I looked at Sarah and searched her eyes for any sign that I should still hope. There was so much I wanted to tell her but my tongue seemed to be frozen.

“Okay…” Chuck mumbled, still staring at me and Sarah like all the others. “So what’s the challenge?” he asked Nate.

“See for yourself.” Nathan waved the small piece of paper before handing it to Chuck.

“Give it back, man!” I rushed to him but I was too late. Sarah didn’t need to hear that anymore. I’d had too much embarrassment for the day.

I cursed under my breath as Chuck read the challenge aloud.

“Bring me something you can’t live without.”

The words etched themselves into my skin. Several pairs of eyes bore into my head. And when Sarah looked at me, there was with a tinge of guilt in her eyes. With pity. Maybe because she knew she couldn’t feel the same way about me anymore.

“Dang,” I chuckled, forcing some humor into my voice while I blankly stared at the fire. The corners of my lips twitched into a casual smile. “Sorry. I messed that up, didn’t I?”

All I got were puzzled looks but I wasn’t gonna let them know how miserable I was. I kept laughing silently to myself, trying to make the whole thing seem like a joke.

“Well, she’s something, alright,” I kept on blurting out, the words hurling themselves out of my mouth. Whenever I feel nervous or distraught, I couldn’t seem to shut it. “But technically, she’s not a thing. So I guess, I lost a point?”

No one seemed willing to say anything except Chuck but a nudge from Reed quickly shut him up.

“Okaaay…” I sighed, still avoiding their glances. I totally ruined the night for them, just when it was just starting to go so well. “I’ll just… I’ll just go uhm… get something in the truck.”

Just that and I jogged away from them, into the darkness, waving at them half-heartedly as I did. I couldn’t bear to see that look on Sarah’s face. I didn’t want her or anyone else to feel sorry for me.

I found the pick-up truck and threw myself into the driver’s seat. I locked myself up before I let my head drop onto the steering wheel. My first thought was to go back to LA first thing tomorrow and never come back. Without a trace. That’d be easier for all of us. For me.

It wasn’t long before I heard three silent knocks on the window.

“Go away,” I said, even though I knew no one would hear.

The knocks came again and this time, a bit louder. I was about to yell when I saw Sarah, pressing a hand on the window, trying to see through the dark tinted glass.

Warily, I clicked the locks and tilted my chin to the front seat. Hurriedly, she ran around the hood and got in the cab. A couple of quiet minutes passed before she stopped staring at her lap and started speaking to me.

“The challenge…” she said, almost a whisper. “D-do you mean it?”

I looked at her, trying to measure her expression. The dark shadowed her eyes but I could see that her lips were quivering from the effort to speak.

A weak smile made its way to my face. “Does it matter?”

“It… matters to me. Yes.” Her voice almost cracked, but she kept her hands fisted on her lap. She was trying not to cry.

I gripped the wheel tighter. “Would it be easier if I said no?”

A tear trickled down her sun burnt cheeks, falling onto the skirt of her light blue sundress. Yet, she nodded softly, still avoiding my gaze. “I-it would be easier… but it kind of h-hurts more.”

The choking feeling was back again and I felt my arms tremble. I blinked several times before I’d managed to move to lift her chin with my fingers. “I don’t want to hurt you, Sarah. Not anymore. If you tell me to stay, I will but—“

She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “N-no. I don’t want to pin you here. You’ve always been there for me for reasons I can’t even remember and… and it’s not fair because I rely on you too much without you asking for something in return.”

“I do want something in return,” I said to her, brushing the tears from her eyes. “I want to be with you.”

Silently, she sobbed and placed my hand on her cheek. “Me too. But things are so much complicated right now and I’m afraid I’ll always hurt you… And I don’t want to do that, Leon. You’re my best friend.”

Best friend.

It was just two words but those words cut through me sadistically. Best friend. That was all I’d been to her. It felt like I just crashed into a brick wall.

Vacantly, I nodded, fixing my eyes ahead. “Is it Matt? It’s about the party, isn’t it? Sarah, it wasn’t my idea to show those videos! Chuck and Reed didn’t even let me in on the plan.”

“I know that…” she replied, putting my hand back on the steering wheel. “But Matt’s… alone now. And he… h-he needs a friend.”

She seemed unsure, almost nervous as if she was hiding something. I had a gut-feeling that it wasn’t just about Matt. Or maybe I was still in denial. I couldn’t have lost Sarah to Matt that easily, could I?

“So you’re making yourself available to him?” Anger was evident in my voice.

Sarah had always thought of others before herself but this didn’t make sense to me. Why Matt so suddenly? Had she forgotten everything he did to her? Did something happen between them while I was away? I didn’t even know if I wanted an answer to that.

“Do you honestly want me to leave? Why’re you doing this to me, Sarah?”

“B-because, Leon,” she suddenly sounded decided as she met my eyes and held my gaze. “It’s what’s good for you. Please d-don’t make this harder for me than it already is. I want you to move on. There’s so much for you to do. And… and it would make me happy if you can make music again, just like before. And maybe, when… if I hear your song again, I’ll feel like I’ve done something right in my life.”

Suddenly it was like the world made a rewind two years back. She might not remember it but she was pushing me away for the same reasons. Only this time, her voice didn’t sound hollow.

“Sarah… don’t—“

A little smile painted across Sarah’s face, her eyes trailing somewhere far away, full of thoughts that I knew I won’t hear anymore. She wasn’t crying now, a peaceful sad smile playing on her lips. It scared me how sure she’d been. Like she’d thought about this for a long time. That there was nothing I could do to change her mind.

“But… I hope I can see you again… someday.” Her words felt heavy as though there was some hidden meaning in it that I should be trying to understand.

I didn’t say anything after that. I just held her hand and leaned back on the head rest, closing my eyes before she could see me cry. I didn’t think much about what she said anymore. All that was mattered was that very moment when I could still hold her hand.

Before I drifted into a dreamless sleep, I felt her head fall on my shoulder. And I kept still as I could, remembering how her head fit in the hollow of my neck, her fingers intertwined with mine, her peaceful angelic face. Her rhythmic breathing was like music to my ears and I hummed to her the tune I made up in my head. Right then, I knew, I’d never feel this much for anybody else ever again.

Morning came as I was watching Sarah sleep, as the sun touched her cheeks. I’d found myself contented with this. I wondered how it’d be waking up each morning like this and I almost resorted to begging her again. But no. That was it. The buzzer had timed out. And when I really thought of this, I’d decided that maybe this was for the best.

Now, Dad, Nate and I could finally get on with the lives we left in LA. Dad could get his surgery. Me, my career. And Nate, whatever the hell he wanted with his screwed-up life. Most of all, Sarah could finally have the normal life she’d always dreamed of.

In a moment, her forehead slowly creased then relaxed again after a few seconds. She opened her eyes, smiling at me like I was her most favorite person in the world.

That couldn’t be it. Was it really over?

“My bag,” she mumbled, suddenly awake, fumbling all over the place. “Where’s my bag?”

“I think you left it in camp,” I answered, taking her shoulders. “Sarah, what’s wrong?”

Her eyes focused on me for a while then shifted uneasily to the camp’s direction. “N-nothing. It’s nothing. I just… uh… need to get my cell phone. M-mom. Mom is… going to call me.”

There was an urgent tone to her voice like it was a matter of life and death. All the same, she was still the worst liar I’d ever known.

I had this gut-feeling that there was more to it but I hurried out the truck and ran back to the tents. The guys were still asleep by the looks of it. The firewood was reduced to ashes and plastic cups littered the blankets spread on the sand.

The first tent I checked was the biggest one where the girls were supposed to stay. I shook the  flap. “Becky,” I called. “Wake up.”

It took me three tries to rouse her before I heard the sound rustling fabric from the inside. “G’morning,” Becky greeted, rubbing her eyes.

“Sarah’s bag—where is it?”

“Matt took it when she left… I think.” She pushed the flap and ducked through the opening. “What’s wrong?”

I hurried to the next tent, just big enough for three. Good thing the guys left the flap open. They were still snoring so I crawled over Larson and Matt, ignoring their groans of surprise as I accidentally stepped on their legs. I spotted Sarah’s worn out back pack right beside Matt. I snatched it just as Matt did.

He glowered at me, scooting up in no time to pull the bag away from me.

“Let go, Adams,” I growled. “Sarah needs it.” I was in no mood for tug of war.

With an irritated grunt, he let the bag go. I ran back up the opening and headed straight to the truck, my sneakers digging in the sand with every step. Matt shuffled against the sand too as he followed me. I didn’t stop to shoo him away and raced straight to the parking lot.

By the time I got to the truck, Sarah had gotten out of the front seat, leaning on the door for some support. Her fingers were pressed tightly on her temples, her breathing a bit irregular. As she watched me run to her, she made an effort to straighten up and look casual. The pallor on her face said it all though. There was something wrong.

When I tried to hold her up, she weakly pushed me away.

“I’m fine… just,” she rasped, spotting her backpack.

She automatically grabbed it from me, leaning on the truck’s door frame as she fumbled with the zipper. Her fingers trembled, rummaging the contents of the bag. She sighed in relief when she found a small white plastic bottle but hid it before I could even see what it was.

A hesitant look was all I got from her when I offered my help. But when Matt came, she practically reached for him, begged for him to help her with something she clearly didn’t want me to know. I didn’t get in their way or anything. I just stood there like a moron. Useless. Unwanted.

“Please call Becky,” Sarah told me from over Matt’s shoulder as he gently pushed her back into the front seat.

I turned around, feeling empty, like hell. My steps were zombie-like, unhurried, aimless, until I found myself back in camp. The others were already up, crawling out of their tents one by one, obviously irritated by the ruckus I’d made.

Calling Becky’s just a way to get the two of them alone. They just don’t want me anywhere near. Or maybe something’s really wrong.

Those thoughts kept screaming inside my head right before Becky snapped her fingers in front of my face.

“Leon! What’s happening? Where’s Sarah?” she asked frantically.

“In the truck. She wants you—“

Before I could finish what I was about to say, Becky was already sprinting barefooted on the sand. I tried to call her back. I tried to ask. But I got nothing other than, “I’ll be back.”

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Hey there! How ya doin? As promised, here's the update! Happy, ain't ya? Thanks to everyone who pushed me back into writing again. Your message really inspired me. And BTW, voting is still open for Watty Awards and I'd be really really happy if you could take the time to vote for Reapers-Thirteen Brothers in the Paranormal Category. Dedicated to the person above. XD

Bringing you smiles and tears in full package,

~shim :) all-out