Chapter 27 – When Your Song Becomes the OST of Your Life

 And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me 

Out of all the hours thinking somehow 

I've lost my mind 

“Transient Ischemic Attack,” Nate muttered turning his back on me. “The doctor reckoned he must’ve been having chest pains for a while now. And the rousing blunder you made in front of national television triggered a severe attack that almost paralyzed half of his body.”

I just sat there blankly beside Dad’s hospital bed, watching him sleep. Dad looked pale and really tired. After three seconds, I got off the chair and leaned on the wall.

Hospitals make me uneasy since Sarah’s accident. Just being in the room gave me a really bad feeling. Like Doom’s Day would be coming anytime now. Doctors said he’d be fine in a few days. Still, I kept having this sinking feeling in my stomach.

“The news was awful,” my brother added, closing his eyes to smoothen the crease on his forehead. “This isn’t good. Not good at all. You should’ve stuck with the plan.”

“What plan?” I glared at him. “Oh, you mean the one that didn’t work. And who made that plan again? Who said he knows exactly what Megan was thinking? You’re one to talk.”

“Don’t put the blame on me,” he hissed, checking to make sure that Dad was still asleep. “I’ve helped with all your foolish doings and I am done.”

I caught my head in my hands. Nothing made sense anymore. “I just… I’m doing this for Sarah.”

Heatedly, Nate stood up from his chair. He faced the window, and then turned to me.

“You see, that’s your problem, Leon. It’s you’re obsession over her that brings about this kind of trouble. It has always been Sarah this, Sarah that. Heck, just about your whole life revolves on her. You forget about everything else! Even Dad!”

“That’s not true!” My voice raised a notch higher than my brother’s.

“For God’s sake, Leon! Wake up. Move on!”

I was thinking of something to say back when Dad stirred and opened his eyes. “Boys,” he said in a firm but papery voice. “Don’t fight.”

With a sigh, Nathan shrunk back in his chair, throwing a meaningful look at me. “We’re not fighting, Dad.”

“Yeah,” I added, trying to calm myself down, my fingernails digging in my palm. “We’re just… exchanging opinions. Everything’s fine, Dad. How’re you feeling?”

Gently shaking his head, Arthur pushed himself up to sit. We’d have helped him up but we knew better than to make Dad feel vulnerable. It’d just start another row. And this time, it’d be three-way.

“Good,” Dad answered, looking unconvinced. “Good enough to go home,” he added.

Nathan tried to talk him into staying a few more days in the hospital. That was what the doctors said. He needed lots of rest and his vitals needed to be monitored twenty-four-seven to make sure the attack won’t reccur. As always, Dad was too stubborn.

While they kept arguing about it, I sneaked out of the room to get some fresh air. I knew Dad would eventually have it his way. Pigheadedness runs in the family.

Tired, I sagged on one of the padded chairs in the waiting area of the hospital lobby. It was almost midnight and I couldn’t afford to get sleepy. Three other people were either dozing off or watching the late night news on the flat screen LCD propped on the wall.

The incident at Sonnet Records was being replayed. Instantly, I pulled up the hood of my jacket. Good thing I remembered to wear my glasses. Being recognized was the last thing I needed.

Everybody hated me. Even I hated to be me right now.

“After Megan Coltrane’s tragic death, there have been many speculations on foul play. Sonnet Records and the witnesses strongly denied this allegation. Police investigation is still ongoing. But would this be the end of the short-lived career of Leon Walden’s new band?”

Supposedly, part of the profits of the world tour would be given to a boys’ home in California. And now, the possibility that the tour won’t push through would mean no funds for the home. The sad faces of some kids in the boys’ home were flashed one by one. I doubted the boys even knew how their footages would be used.

I stormed out the lobby before the news report ended. The news kind of made me look like the bad guy. I cared for those kids. I really did. Just because I was almost left alone in an orphanage when I was their age. I was just a bit luckier to have a Dad like Arthur.

I felt like a huge failure. I let them down—the kids, my friends, my brother… Dad. Maybe Nate was right. The whole time I’d spent plotting to get Sarah back, I’d forget about everything else. And now everything was ruined.

It was just sad. Actually, ‘sad’ won’t be enough to describe it. I was torn to the point of despair. To the point where I just couldn’t imagine how this mess could be fixed.

In the hallway I met Myrna, the head nurse who cared for Sarah a few months ago. She was smiling at me, stopping to make small talk. When she asked me how Sarah was doing, I couldn’t answer.

Honestly, I didn’t know. We hadn’t talked for a few days now. I kept telling myself I needed time to think. Really, I was just scared. I’d take all the hate the world could throw on me but not Sarah. So I kept my distance. Went home every midnight. Left before sunrise. Just so she won’t see me. Pathetic, yeah.

But eventually, Dad had to come home from the hospital. It was four in the afternoon when we arrived. From the front seat of the cab, I saw Matt’s Camaro parked in front of Sarah’s house. It wasn’t long before I saw them sitting on the front porch railing.

Distractedly, I handed the cabdriver the fare and straight away, opened the car door for Dad. I tried to look like I hadn’t noticed them as I picked up Dad’s bag from the trunk.

In the corner of my eye, I saw that Sarah looked expectant. It made the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach worse. Outside, I might’ve appeared remote. Inside I was going insane in panic. I was good at that; making casual façades.

Matt was just put out as she started to get up and headed to me. He ran after her, held her arm and said, “He lied to you. To everyone!”

“I know that,” Sarah argued, her eyes unsure. “But I just have to know it for sure. I want to hear it from him. I want to know why.”

Dad gave me a pat on my shoulder before he and Nate went inside the house. Like saying, “Tell the truth, Leon. Tell the truth,” in the most guilt-reminiscent way.

Not helping, Dad.

Heaving a deep breath, I watched the cab disappear into the next block. I waited for Sarah, my feet speared to the ground. And there she was, walking up to me in her faded jeans and blue Aeropostale shirt that kind of matched the color of her eyes. Her hair was tied back in a bun, secured by a pencil.

It felt like I just swallowed a jawbreaker as I was reminded of how much I loved this girl. How I’d been willing to give everything to her and to give up everything for her. And being reminded of that made it worse. I got no clue what to do. Like I’d been given a puzzle that’s impossible to crack.

Next thing I knew, Sarah was already in front of me. There wasn’t any trace of hatred in her face. All I could see were the silent questions in her eyes. I couldn’t take it. I wished she’d scream at me. Tell it all off in my face how horrible person I was. That she hated me. That I was a liar. A coward. Because that I could take more than her silence.

I caught myself about to spin on my heels. About to run away from her. I stopped myself, steeling my insides. Shaking my head, I looked away from her. My mind was all over the place.

“Leon,” Sarah started, her voice soft.

One word from her and I thought how much I’d missed her. I missed her so much it hurt. But even so I couldn’t even bring myself to look her straight in the eyes. It sounds stupid but I felt very small.

“You didn’t answer my calls.” Her tone had a hint of worry.

“I… I’m sorry,” I murmured, still unable to look at her.

Hesitantly, she took one step closer. “Can we… talk?” When I didn’t answer, she swallowed and almost choked when she said, “W-why?” in all the weight the word could put on me.

“Why what?”

I knew exactly what she meant. Why did I lie to her? Why was I such an asshole? I just didn’t know how to answer. From his Camaro, Matt watched us, looking a bit smug. He was winning this time and he knew it.

“What more do you want to know from me Sarah? What more d’you wanna hear that he didn’t already tell you?” I sounded weak. Defeated.

“Then explain to me!” She waited hopefully for the answer that never came. “Please, give me a reason so I can… understand all this. So I can understand you,” she whispered, her voice a bit gravelly.

With all the thoughts whirring in my head, I couldn’t even think of five words that made sense. I wanted so much to explain myself. The problem was how to do so. There seemed to be a million reasons at the moment. None of them was good enough to justify all the mess I made. No matter how much I try to explain, it won’t change anything. It won’t fix everything.

“I… I can’t,” I said, finally meeting her eyes. “I just… can’t.”

“Why not?”

“You won’t get it.”

“Try.”

I shook my head, cursing silently. “I’m sorry,” was all I could say.

Her forehead crumpled, her eyes becoming a little teary as she nodded blankly. “You’re sorry.”

“Yeah,” I nodded back, struggling to sort out my thoughts. “I’m sorry for lying to you about who I really am. For dragging you into this mess. I’m sorry for everything. I’m so sorry that you had the accident. I’m so sorry I even came here and met you in the first place—“

Sarah wiped a tear from her eye before it could fall. What I said, it wasn’t meant to sound that way. If I hadn’t met her, maybe she won’t be so miserable. She could’ve finally lived the normal life she’d always wanted. Maybe she’d be happier. Maybe the accident won’t have happened. But it was too late. I’d hurt her in the worst way possible.

“Sarah, please…”

I tried to hold her hand. Before I could, she backed away and ran back into her Dad’s house, crying. And I was left wondering why I did what I did and why I said what I said. In fact, I kept wondering for hours, for days until the words were just words that had no meaning. I lost count of the nights I stayed up to stare at Sarah’s window. It never opened. The drapes were always down.

It was official. Everybody hated me. And worse, Sarah hated me. I couldn’t blame anyone else. I made them hate me. Whether intentionally or not. I wished I’d known better. Done better. I hated myself more than anyone else.

Totally reasonable why Chuck, Reed and Ricky didn’t drop by during the week. I’d given them false hopes. The promise of stardom went ka-boom when Moira told me straightforward that the world tour was cancelled. The album launch too. Just like that, they let us off.

Sonnet had lost a lot of money trying to pacify the media from weaving false issues about Megan’s death and facing lawsuits against the “unsafeness of its building” which was just plain stupid. The things people do for money these days. Tch.

If someone jumped off the top of Mt. Everest because they were tripping or just downright crazy, would you sue Tibet for the “unsafeness of its mountain”? Duh.

On the other hand, I’d have liked to jump off Mt. Everest right about now.

I’d never been to a therapist. No. Not even after I’d been kidnapped on my mother’s orders. After the troubles were over, I seemed to have always been able to move on. Cope. Forget. Focus on other things. But this one, I didn’t think the troubles would ever end. If they ever, it wasn’t clear to me if moving on would be an option. Because I’d never forget this feeling of loss like a part of me was not gonna be whole again. I was stuck.

Maybe I needed to be in medication. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, my image was always warped so I stopped looking altogether. The bad feeling won’t go away.

Then I started thinking more about my life. Did I do well? Could I have done better? Was I that bad of a person? And death. But mostly about death. Won’t it be way easier to just end it all? But then I knew Dad would be so mad if I left him and Nate alone. It just won’t be that much fun in the house anymore without us bickering every morning over coffee. And Nathan would probably laugh in my burial, kicking the dirt over my coffin. And Sarah… I dunno how she’d react.

Would it matter if I wasn’t there to see it all anyway? Maybe I did need help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi! Yeah, it took a while. Thanks to everyone who keep tabs on this story. Ready your bokmarks and see you on the next update. ~Ciao