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It was eight hours after the murder at Mortimer High School and I was sitting cross legged on my bedroom floor with Gary and Ronny, starring at the freshly posted article on our school website.

                  Cheerleader Found Staked -- Written by Marcus Bell, President of the  Mortimer Newspaper, it read, with a huge blow up picture of Ginger's Senior photo on the right of the article as well as the three deceased janitors that had been found outside the school.

                  I quickly skimmed through the article, stopping my finger at a certain point. The head cheerleading coach at Mortimer High School and many of Ginger Sparrow's fellow students and friends are planning on attending her funeral on Saturday.

                  When asked about Ginger, coach Farleigh said, "Our town grieves the loss of the school janitors Tom Broomstick, Nicholas Trashcan, and Morgan Mophead, but I and the rest of the Mortimer Cheer Squad mourn the loss of someone who was a very unique and talented young lady...Ginger Sparrow. Even if she did come drunk to practice with no clothes on that one time...."

                  Many of Ginger's classmates also had very good things to say about Ginger when asked about her impact on their lives.

                  "She was a thriving bitch who called me Megga Fatass for six years straight," Megan J. said. "I went to fat camp because of her. Do you have any idea how unbelievably infuriating fat camp is? We used to do this "sharing time" thing at the end of each  day where everyone would share their feelings. One kid would not stop talking about the stash of twinkies that he used to store under his bed, before his cat somehow broke into the safe and ate all of them and he had a mental breakdown. Then he proceeded to reenact it. Torture, absolute torture. The first day of camp my legs fell off. Literally. These are fake legs. That's from doing squats at fat camp, Ginger. Rest in peace, bitch."

                  "When her mouth was shut she was honestly the nicest person," her boyfriend, Tyler said. "We always had this thing... She never actually called me her boyfriend. Such a flirt, that one. I'm going to miss her. I'll always think of her before I go to bed-- I mean-- she'll always be in my heart. Uh, she has a sister, right?"

                  "Ginger Sparrow. Let me tell you a little something about Ginger Sparrow. She strangled my dog Pebbles and threw him into the pool because he sniffed her stupid rat dog's butt," Ashley C. said. "After many cycles of CPR and intense dog swimming classes, Pebbles is now the first dog to swim across the entire Pacific Ocean and back. So... I guess she kind of impacted my life?"

                  "Dude, she was so hot," another one of her classmates stated. "Last year, I threw a party by the river... and damn... that bathing suit she wore. That was something. What sucks is that I heard she was a natural red head. Hopefully her soul-- if she has one--like, goes to Heaven or whatever. You know?"

                  "The heartless tramp deserved exactly what she got. Death. Vampires make me sick, sucking the life out of others until they want to be vampires themselves. But what really bothers me is sl*ts like Ginger that illegally attend blood fest parties and mix human blood straight from the source and alcohol together. One particular party comes to mind when I think of Ginger Sparrow. Innocent people got killed and were left to die because people like her were to drunk and hungry to realize when to stop partying and help a person not moving on the ground. She deserved to die. He didn't. And you know what? I enjoyed every second of executing that bitch, and I'll enjoy killing anyone else who was there... The janitors. They were all drug dealers, they were at the party. They saw what happened and they didn't do anything because they were too damn high. When he died, they didn't help him," an anonymous student said and a hood covering his identity. "I mean... rest in peace, Ginger. Her family will be in my prayers."

                  "Wow, the dumbass president of the newspaper really did interview the killer, Ronny!"

                  Ronny flipped his imaginary long hair."Told ya, babe. Totes scandalous, right?"

                  I rolled my eyes at him. "Totes."  I then shut my laptop, wiping a hand slowly down my face. "I need to find out who Smiley is before he kills somebody else, and I need both of you guys in order to do it," I said, pushing my laptop to the side and opening up the notebook next to me. "Now, where should we even begin? Interviews of witnesses?"

                  Clicking my pen, I looked up, to see that both of my guests weren't listening to  a word that I was saying.

                  "Be gentle!" Gary whined, as Ronny smacked on the last Hello Kitty band aid to the small scrape on his chest. Gary had insisted his brother apply ten bandages on the cut to make sure he didn't "bleed out". The funny part was, Goth Boy waited until he came over my house to actually apply anything and all that I had was a box of Hello Kitty Band-Aids.

                  "Had to make sure it was sticking good, Garbear," Ronny assured Gary with a pat on the shoulder, then winked at me.

                  "I told you not to call me that," Gary hissed through his teeth.

                  "Aw, Garbear's all mad," I said mockingly, pouting my lip.

                  Gary shot daggers at me.

                   Leafing through his backpack, Ronny then took out a rainbow bedazzler and loaded it with small pink gems. "Ok, now let's make this warrior wound look like something out of Vogue."

                  "Pepper, hand me my shirt! Quick!" Gary said frantically, dropping the stink eye.

                  "I'm going to bedazzle the amazeballs out of you, betch!" Ronny dove for Gary's bandages right as I tossed Gary's t-shirt at his chest.

                  "Drats!" Ronny said as Gary covered his chest with his shirt protectively. Ronny smacked his hand against his thigh. "Why couldn't I get a stepbrother that likes to be sparkly and has a rainbow comforter like me? And might I add, this whole "My Hot Step Brother is Totally Hot and Wants to Bang Me" thing that's girls are obsessed with writing about in books is totally F to the A to the K to the E."

                  "Ronny!" I laughed out.

                  "Ah, whatever. Gary knows I wouldn't bang him even if I was in the jungle and he was the only boy within a seventy mile radius, and I had recently watched Magic Mike and was all hot and bothered. However... if you would only stop putting that terrifying makeup on your face and walked around shirtless more often maybe I would consider some sort of arrangement..."

                  Gary looked as if Ronny had touched upon "brotherly love" arrangements for some time.  "Ronny, you need a boyfriend if you're still taking pictures of me shirtless when I'm not looking," he said, then dropped his shirt from his chest that he had been using as a shield and pulled it over his head. As his head poked through the top of the shirt, his hair had become brushed out of his face, I was once again shocked at how drastically different Gary looked with his dark hair not all over his face like that harry dude from the Adam's Family.

                  I was even starting to get used to the fact that Gary packed one hell of a set of abs underneath all of his Goth clothes. It made me wonder what kind of person was behind all of the black lipstick, eyeliner, piercings, and pale makeup....

                  Crap. Crappidy-crap-ding-ding-crapathon. This couldn't be happening to me. I only knew the guy for two weeks, he worshipped Satan, and he had the social skills of a hermit crap with an oversized shell and I was pretty sure I was starting to think he was...hot.

                  Nope. I was starting to believe he was exceptionally hot. The kind of hot that only appeared in a few types of guys. The quiet ones, the dark ones, the dangerous ones, and the strange ones. Gary definitely was starting to fall into all of those categories.

                  "No-no-no-no-no and NO," I said out loud, shaking my head at Gary.

                  Gary stopped fixing his shirt and paused, eying me with a wide-eyed look. "What did I say?" His eyes moved to Ronny for an answer, a bit more panicked. "Am I bleeding somewhere else? Get the gauze, Ronny!"

                  Ronny rolled his eyes. "You're fine, honey. Calm down."

                  If only his name wasn't Gary he'd be like, so much more attractive, Conscious said, letting out a low wolf whistle. It's just hard to imagine what his Big Bad Cobra looks like in those pantaloons when his name keeps putting the image of that freaking cartoon snail from SpongeBob in my head. Wait...maybe more like Larry the snail, the spiteful one with the black eyebrows. And now that I think about it, his lone sausage is probably more like a vicious dragon by the way he sketches so aggressively in his notebooks. LIGHT ME ON FIRE, BABY. BURN ME TO A CRISP, SUGAR-MUFFIN. ROAST ME LIKE A MARSHMELLOW, PUT ME BETWEEN TWO GRAM CRACKERS, AND SANDWICH IT ALL TOGETHER MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO ME....I MEAN PEPPER. MAKE LOVE TO PEPPER AND LET ME WATCH. I MEAN... YEAH, LET ME WATCH. PLEASE?

                  Ronny dropped his bedazzler and started to laugh hysterically, whereas Gary slowly turned a pinkish shade, picked up the bedazzler, and threw it hard at Ronny's chest, knocking Ronny over as he continued to snicker.

                  "Don't tell me I said that all...?" I trailed.

                  "Gary the snail! More--more.... like Larry the snail! I can't breathe!" Ronny gasped, clutching his stomach and hiccupping because he was laughing so hard. "Oh-mah-gerd, I love this girl to infinity and beyond! Who cares if her hair looked like one of those dusty hay balls that travel around the desert when I first met her, she is SO fab-o."

                  I face palmed myself.  Once again, I had managed to say all of my thoughts and my imaginary Conscious' thoughts out loud. Great.

                  "Gary..." I trailed, incredibly embarrassed.

                  Gary remained silent, staring down at his hands in his lap.

                  I reached out towards him. "I didn't mean to make you upset--"

                  Gary slapped my hand away then stood up. "I'm sure it was just an accident," he spat out sardonically.

                  "It was! I've recently been talking out loud a lot! It's not my fault I have an overactive imagination and a sassy Conscious that has something sexual to say about everyone and everything!"

                  He ignored me. "As if I wanted my name to be Gary! I don't even look like a Gary. I wear fucking eyeliner and draw pictures of demons! I hate my name."

                  "At least you're not named after a seasoning and a soda brand!"

                  " Honestly Pepper, you've made me laugh a lot and it takes a lot to make me laugh these days because I believe laughing is a fake emotion and lets the Devil out of your body, but let's be realistic here. Ginger Sparrow was a insensitive jerk and she most likely was killed because of someone like me getting bullied by someone like you. Just keep that in mind." Ronny's laughs come to a sudden halt and he looked at Gary with a flash of fear. "I would have killed for a badass name like Spike or Max or even--even a John would have cut it. And it's not my fault I'm a hemophobiac vampire, I just FREAKING HATE BLOOD, OK?" Gary aggregately pushed his hair in front of his eyes. "Screw this! I hate my life! I hate everything! I'm going home and listening to screamo bands and pierce something I'll definitely regret in the morning or will make it burn when I pee!"

                  He stormed out of the room.

                  "Either he's really sensitive about his name or there's something else bothering Gary," I said once Gary left the room.

                  Ronny sighed. "Crap, Pepper, I'm sorry about that, I shouldn't have laughed at him like that. Gary gets angry easily. I'm going to go see if he's ok." Ronny started to get up, then paused halfway up as if coming to the same conclusion as I had.

                  I started to get up as well, grabbing my notebook. "You don't think  he could be..."

                   Ronny paused. "Smiley?" he whispered. He started to laugh as if it was the most ridiculous thing, then put a hand over his mouth, his expression saddening. "Pepper...he would never do that. He wouldn't... I know my brother. He wouldn't....right?"

                  "I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but he was one of the only witnesses. In fact, there was only one witness for both the janitor murders and Ginger's murder -- or at least that's what the police files said that I stole off of Officer Mustache when he wasn't looking. So that means Gary was at the scene both times, Ronny. Both."

                  Ronny ran a hand slowly through his hair. "Shit, Pepper. Why wouldn't he tell me any of this?"

                  "That's one of the things I'm planning on finding out. Do you mind organizing my closet for me and maybe setting out my outfits for oh, I don't know... the next month....while I go talk ask your brother about what he saw?"

                  "He could be halfway to our house already..."

                  "Please?"

                  Ronny didn't seem to think about it too long and clapped his hands together a few times. "Kay!" he squealed cheerfully, sashaying into my closet.

                  I was deceding the hundreds of stairs in my family's new mansion when I saw Bernard waiting for me at the bottom and leaped over the rest of stairs to the bottom, landing quietly in front of him. "Bern-turd!" I shouted, slightly out of breath. Definitely had to go running tonight to start getting back into shape before track season.

                  Bernard smiled at me, bowing slightly. "Hello Miss Ballard. Still calling me nicknames I see. Can I offer you a refreshment for you and your friends?"

                  I shook my head. "No, we're fine. Did you see one of my friends leave the house, by any chance? He worships Satan and has a big bulge in the center of his chest from overlapping bandaids. Don't ask."

                  Bernard looked briefly at the front door. "The black haired boy?"

                   "Yes! Gary!"

                  "Your friend Gary never came down the stairs because your mother and father greeted him at the top step..."

                  I tried to restrain my shock. "And what are my parents doing home so early...?"

                  "Miss Ballard, there is a murder investigation going on at your high school, and since you didn't call them, they were informed by the high school through a parent hotline. It seems that they wanted to make sure you were ok. You really should have called them yourself, Miss Ballard. Your mother calls me quite often to check on you, says you don't answer your phone anymore."

                  "I'll answer her calls when I see her more than twice a week," I said, turning to look back up the stairs. "What I don't understand is why my parents would disappear with Gary? Especially if they were so worried about me?"

                  "They struck up a conversation quite quickly, if I do add.  I suppose they went to your father's study across the hall from your room. Gary seemed slightly resistant."

                  "Resistant?" I squeaked. "Resistant as in debating whether to use your mother's eight hundred dollar towel to wipe your butt when there's no toilet paper or just "shake and dry", or resistant as in my parents had to throw chains around him or tranquilize him to get him to go into my father's study because he was about to dive off of the stairs to escape them?"

                  Bernard gave me a bored look. "You are very dramatic, Miss Ballard."

                  "Humans in this town means only one thing to me,"  Hunter's voice echoed through my head. "Hunters."

                  "Oh...crap on a freaking fish stick!" I imagineded my father dramatically slicing Gary's head off with a machete and hanging it over the fireplace and then lighting a cigar and laughing maniacally with my mother who was sharpening a massive axe and snickering to herself. "Still loving the mustache, Bern-turd!" I called over my shoulder, halfway up the stairs.

                  When I came to my father's study, I squatted down and peered through the small crack in the door. My father and mother were standing in front of Gary with their hands both clasped behind their back. Gary stood fairly comfortably in front of them with his arms crossed over his chest. His hair was brushed out of his face and his entire demeanor had changed in a way that revealed to me Gary might have not been the shy Goth Boy I had pinned him to be.

                  "I heard it's nearly a weapon," Gary began, a slow smile spreading across his mouth. "I have no doubt in my mind that it will feel great in our family's hands."

                  HOLY UNI-HORN IS GARY A HEMOPHOBIAC VAMPIRE HUNTER? GOOD LORD, THIS IS BETTER THAN THE MOVIES.

                  "It's one killer machine," my father said with an arch of an eyebrow and a mischievous smile as he handed something to Gary. Gary stared at it in his hand and laughed a little.

                  OH. MY. GOD. They're  exchanging killing weapons!!!

                  "One of a kind," Mom added.

                  "I bet," Gary said, appearing more excited. "Where's the rest of it?"

                  "Hold up, eager beaver. This is a dangerous item, you know. Are you sure you're up for it, son? You don't look like the kind of person who can handle such an extraordinary tool. Perhaps your mother should be talking to us and not you."

                  "My mother died in a plane crash and my step mother is... messy," Gary replied smoothly. "Leaves fairy-dust everywhere she goes, you know? It makes wearing black all the time really difficult. My brother Ronny doesn't mind sparkles, but I do."

                  "I can imagine, darling," my mother said as my father disappeared beyond my view somewhere behind Gary.

                  DO SOMETHING! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL GARY FROM BEHIND--!

                  I burst into the room. "DON'T YOU HURT MY GARY, YOU CRAZY SLAYERS!"

                  My mother and Gary stared at me with wide eyes. "Crazy what?" Mom said.

                  "Here's the killer herself!" Dad stepped out of his sound proof library, wheeling in a purple vacuum in front of Gary, who squatted and stared at the thing in awe. "I can't believe you recognized our names from those vacuum infomercials! It's been years!"

                  Gary looked away from me, his eyes lighting up at the vacuum. "How could I not?" Gary asked, still in awe at the vacuum before him. "Man, this is exactly what I need to get rid of the sparkles in the carpets! Can I give it a whirl, sir?"

                  No, you may give nothing a whirl Goth Boy. You may not use the vacuum because it probably has a stake somewhere in there and they're going to shove it right up your butt when you're not looking!

                  "No, no, and NO!"

                  "What's wrong, Peppy?" Mom wondered, walking over to me and giving me huge wet kiss on the cheek. My father gave me a kiss as well, looking just as concerned as the other backstabbing hunter-- I mean lying wench -- I mean my mommy. "Your father and I were just showing Gary a product he was interested in of ours..." Mom then leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Remember to use condoms. Boys that wear spikes around their neck never wear condoms."

                  "UGH!" Grabbing Gary by the wrist, I pulled his ass right out of the room, slammed the door behind me, and threw Gary into the nearest guest room, slamming that door behind me as well. I shoved him into the room so hard that he flopped down onto the bed and rolled off of the other side. "GARY, YOU IDIOT! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN STAKED!" I roared. "THEY COULD HAVE BEHEADED--"

                  Gary rushed to my side, throwing a hand over my mouth. "Are you serious?! Your parents are across the hallway and you're screaming all of this! You haven't even proved that they're hunters!"

                   "But they are! My dad drives a freaking motorcycle! That's as hunter as it gets, ask Hunter!"

                  "You want me to ask a hunter if Hunter is a hunter?"

                  "No!" I squeezed my temple. "Gary! Forget it! Just answer this question, ok? Do you promise to answer it?"

                  "That's giving you a lot of freedom, knowing you."

                  I shoved Gary back onto the bed and straddled him, tightening my legs around his hips and pinning his arms to the bed. "ARE YOU SMILEY?!" I roared in his face. "ARE YOU FREAKING SMILEY, YOU FROWNY LITTLE GOTH BOY, YOU? THAT'S REAL CREATIVE, GARY. SMILEY--!"

                  My mom opened the door a crack, throwing a box at me that whacked me right in the head. "Condoms!" she said cheerfully.

                  "MOM, I LOVE YOU BUT WE AREN'T HAVING SEX!"

                  "My Peppy finally won't be an uptight virgin anymore! I won't tell dad!"

                  MOM! THIS SCREAMING IS REALLY HURTING ME! PLEASE, GO!"

                  "Ok!" she said, poking her head back out. The door started to shut when--

                  "Pepper!" Ronny poked his head into the door as well. "Pepper, your mom is so fabulous! Her work clothes are totally Cosmopolitan gorgeous! I just wanted to say that! Oh, and I'm almost done with your closet but I just wanted to give you this." He threw a pair of Crocs at me face, scowling. "ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS, PEPPER? CROCS? CROCS!?!?!"

                  "They were a birthday present last year from aunt Hilda! She's the only aunt that we talk!"

                  "YOU MAKE ME WANT TO RIP ALL OF MY PERFECTLY MOISTURIZED HAIR OUT, PEPPER, YOU REALLY DO. CROCS? YOU EVEN HAD A BUMBLEBEE ACCESSORY IN ONE OF THE HOLES. HOW. DARE. YOU. THAT'S  A MORTAL SIN. AND NOT SIN AS IN OUR HOT CREATIVE CRITING TEACHER! BY THE WAY, SIN TEXTED YOU SAYING HE WAS STILL ALIVE AND HE WANTS TO MEET YOU TOMORROW BECAUSE THERE'S NO SCHOOL. SCANDALOUS TO THE MAX. I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF TEXTING HIM BACK SAYING YOU WANTED THE D. PERFERABLE BOTH HIS AND HUNTER'S AT THE SAME TIME, BUT EITHER ONE WOULD WORK. I ALSO BEDAZZLED THE F OUT OF YOUR PHONE. YOU'RE WELCOME, BETCH."

                  " RONNY!!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "TEXT HIM BACK AND SAY IT WAS YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL OR SOMETHING! AND CAN'T YOU SEE I'M....MAKING LOVE TO YOUR BROTHER?" I moved against Gary's hips, making his eyes go unbelievably wide. "THIS IS NOT THE TIME!"

                  I looked down at Gary right as he hopelessly and silently cried out to his brother, 'Help me'.

                  I slapped Gary lightly on the face, growling under my breath. It was a playful slap, really.. "PUT YOUR FACE IN THE PILLOW, BETCH! I'M TALKING TO RONNY!" I boomed into Gary's face, making him instantly turn his cheek into the pillow and whimper.

                  "Remember, herpes is for life!" Ronny said, clapping happily a few times and then shutting the door.

                  Once the door shut, I got real close to Gary's face. "Well?" I whispered, my eyes dropping to his black lipstick lips.

                  "I'm not Smiley, I swear I'm not....but--but I think I know where he's going to be tomorrow night," Gary squeaked.

                  "Wait. You're sure it's a guy?"

                  Gary's eyes shifted. "I think so. They were about my height. But I didn't hear their voice and their trench coat was chunky enough to hide a girl's figure, so it could have been a girl I guess."

                  "Did you tell any of this to the police?"

                  Gary shook his head. "I just told them that Smiley scratched me."

                  "They what? That's how you got the scratch? The person that beheaded the janitors and staked Ginger scratched you."

                  Gary looked down shamefully. "When he killed Ginger I made a noise and he--they saw me hiding behind the vending machine and came over to me. I begged for them not to kill me. They brought back their hand as if to hit me and sliced me across the chest, then walked away like nothing had happened."

                  "And where do you think they're going to be tomorrow?"

                   "He took these tickets off of Ginger's body that I heard her bragging about in class. Tickets to see this famous band or something at a vampire club called Crave. I think... I think maybe he's going to kill his next victim there. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try right?"

                  I let out a long breath. "We're going to find out who's Smiley. You're going to help me, right?"

                  "I guess I--" Gary stopped mid sentence, wincing greatly.

                  "Gary? Are you still upset? I'm sorry for making you upset. I didn't  mean to make fun of your name. The more I say it, the sexier it's getting to be--"

                  "Pepper," Gary winced, "don't do this again. You're just--"

                  "Gary. Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it--?"

                  "Pepper, I swear--"

                  " It makes you sound all fluffy, too. I like fluffy guys. They're so soft and cuddly--"

                   "PEPPER!"

                  I batted my eyelashes at him. "What?"

                  "You're leaning on my scratch and your knee is digging into my....yeah."

                  I looked down, removing my knee from his crotch. "Whoops! Sorry, force of habit when I want something from someone." I winked at him suggestively, when we both know I meant I would knee a guy as many times as I wanted in the balls to get what I wanted. "And by the way, if I ever find out that you lied to me ever about anything, let's just say that your twin yo-yo's will be the least of your worries."

                  Gary swallowed hard, then pushed me off of him so that I landed hard on my butt on the ground. "Duly noted, Pepper. Duly noted."

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Axe Murder 24/7. Yolo. 

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MOVIE/TV SHOW MINE'S BEETLEBORGS AND CATS THE MUSICAL I WAS SO OBSESSED K BYE. <333

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