"I left because I wasn't doing you good anymore," diretsahan niyang sabi.

Tumaas ang kilay ko sa narinig, hindi makapaniwala na sa dinami-rami ng dahilan na naisip ko kung bakit niya ako iniwan, hindi ko kailanman ito naisip.

"And here I thought it was because of something I did that made you leave," hindi ko napigilan ang sarili at nagsalita na. "Did you know that all these years, I've been really insecure? And that I've been questioning myself and blaming myself because I thought I did something wrong or I became a toxic person?"

He sighed, "It was for your own safety, London. I didn't want to leave—"

"—then you shouldn't have left!" I cut him off. "Umalis ka nang walang sabi, Orion! You didn't just break my heart! You also left me confused! I waited for you to come. I wanted to find you! Malapit na akong mabaliw sa kaiisip dahil wala akong kaide-ideya kung anong dapat kong gawin! Hindi ko alam kung saan ako dapat magsimula!"

My rants and anger turned into sobs in an instant. I still can't believe that I'm still affected by this. I guess I really suck in moving on.

Or maybe it's because you don't want to move on. A part of my mind said.

"I'm sorry... I really am... but that was the most logical thing to do," he said in a low voice. "Twice, London. Twice... you were sent to the hospital twice because of me."

"You're not making any sense... how can you just walk away so easily?"

"It wasn't easy." He shook his head and shut his eyes tight, looking as if a nightmare came rushing back to his mind. "Do you think it was easy for me to leave you? I wanted to be by your side and to always be there for you. But what can I do if being with you would also mean harming you? Do you think it's easy for me to see you on a hospital bed? Do you think it's easy for me every time an image of you in your pale, unconscious, and almost lifeless state flashes in my mind? To see the person whom I claim to love be in a difficult situation because of me?" He continued.

He brought a hand to my face and was about to wipe my tears but I looked away instinctively, making his hand stay on air.

"I'm not saying that what I did was right... but that was the only way I could think of... I wanted to stay and be with you. But then, that would be a selfish move," he continued. "I was torn between choosing to be selfish and stay with you even though it would harm you, or to be selfless and leave even though it would break my heart."

Now he's starting to make sense. If I were in his position, I would've probably done the same thing. But now that I'm the one who got left, I'm not really sure if I'd still do it.

"I'd rather have you... hate me..." he trailed off, saying the latter words in almost a whisper as if he doesn't want to say it. "...than stay with you and be the reason why you're in a hospital again."

I brought my eyes back to him and scoffed, "You left because you wanted to be selfless. But did you know that leaving without a word was selfish? You were the only one who knew the reason and I was left with confusion, Orion. And it's selfish of you to decide for me."

"But you're already hurt, London," he reasoned out. "If I stayed, something worse might've happened to you! The guilt of being the reason why Malds hurt you was too much already. There was never a night that I didn't have a nightmare of you dying because of me! What Malds did to you haunted me even in my walking hours! I was scared for you! I was scared that something even worse would happen and I wouldn't be able to do something about it."

"But did you really have to leave? To leave without an explanation, Orion?" I asked weakly. "Hindi ko kailanman naisip na ikaw ang dahilan ng mga iyon. Hindi kita sinisi. I was happy, Orion! I was fucking in love with you and I honestly didn't care about anything else! Everything felt right! What happened were supposed to be just bumps on the road! We're supposed to get through them... together..." napapikit ulit ako at lalong bumalisbis ang mga luha ko.

"Those were not just bumps on the road, London! They were threats to your life! Your life was at stake! I couldn't just choose my happiness and risk your life! I'd rather love you from afar done be with you and cause you harm!"

My heart was getting heavier as our conversation progressed. A part of me is starting to understand him but the other part still wants me to harden myself because one wrong move and I'll come crawling back to him... and I feel like that's what I'm gonna do in a few.

"Fine! But why didn't you tell me? We could've ended things properly and that would've saved me from all the confusions."

Kahit umiiyak, sinamaan ko pa rin siya ng tingin. Patago niyang pinahiran ang gilid ng kaniyang mga mata at saka yumuko.

"I knew you'd stop me... and tell me that you don't mind at all," he answered in a low voice, still looking down. "It would've been harder to leave if I told you... I would've forgotten my reasons and rationality and just choose to stay..."

"You're right," I agreed, surprising the both of us. Napangisi na lang rin ako sa mga napagtanto. "I would've done that... and more... I would've cried my heart out and beg you until you'll back out from your plan because you didn't want to see me cry... I would've..." I trailed off, then biting my lips to prevent myself from continuing.

"You would have done what?" Nagtataka niyang tanong kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

Umiling ako at sinamaan siya ulit ng tingin.

This is Orion's effect on me. He can effortlessly gain my affection back without even doing anything. I am this smitten over him that the tears I cried would just seem so invalid because he's now here.

"I had myself and the people around me investigated," he shared. "I wanted to make sure that there wasn't anyone else who had ill intentions towards me and would then drag you into it as well. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't associated with someone who'll be a threat to you."

I wanted to say something but I feel like everything seems too much that my mind can't comprehend all of it all at once. There's a lot to process that I couldn't seem to think nor know what I should feel.

"Why are you here though? I mean... shouldn't you be distancing yourself from me? Like what you've been doing so good for years?" I asked.

It was supposed to be an innocent question but I think I sounded too bitter and harsh.

"Don't bother answering, I'm just bitter," walang pag-aalinlangan kong sabi at saka tumayo na.

I wanted to talk to him. And not just about what happened to us. I wanted to know what he has been up to. I wanted to know if he's doing well. I missed talking to him. I missed him so much. I wanted to hug him and wipe his tears. If only the circumstance isn't like what we have here, I would've gladly done so.

Sumulyap ako sa kaniya bago naglakad palayo at dumiretso sa isa sa mga kwarto.

Nahiga ako sa kama at saka niyakap ang unan. Gulong-gulo ako at hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin kaya umiyak na lang ako dahil ito naman ang palagi kong ginagawa kapag nalilito.

I buried my face on the pillow, offering a silent prayer to get some guidance and clarity on my situation.

Nang inalis ko ang mukha sa may unan, tumagilid ako ng higa at muntik nang magka-heart attack nang makita si Orion na nakaupo sa tabi ng kama.

When he saw that I was looking at him, his lips curved into a smile but it was a sad one. The one that looks like he's about to cry.

"I'm sorry, London," he said before looking down. "I really am... I honestly want to say more... to tell you my reasons all over again until you say that you understand and you're not hurt anymore but I also know that it would be unfair to your part to expect that and I also know that explaining my side doesn't mean the pain will just vanish... I can see that you are confused right now but whatever that is that you're feeling towards me, I'll gladly accept it. I deserve your anger, resentment—"

"I don't hold grudges, Orion," I cut him off. Hindi ko nagugustuhan tuwing sinasabi niyang nararapat sa kaniya ang mga ito dahil kahit ayaw ko mang aminin, naiintindihan ko siya at nakikita kong nasasaktan din siya.

"I would be lying if I say that I'm not hurt. But truth be told, that's it. I'm hurt and the emotional wound is still here but that doesn't mean I'm going to continue blaming you because as much as I hate to admit this, I understand your reason. If I were in your place, I probably would've done the same thing."

I took a deep breath, trying to gather all my courage to continue speaking. "I'm not saying that everything's okay after this but I just want you to know that just because you did what you did, that doesn't mean that you deserve to get hurt as well and that also doesn't give me the right to hurt you." I don't know where I got the strength to smile and wipe the tears that were cascading his cheeks but that's what I did.

"And even though you left me confused and hurt and... you know... I already forgave you years ago," I added. "I don't know why and how it happened but I am sure of that fact." And I guess it's because you mean that much to me.

Umalis ako sa pagkakahiga at aalis na sana pero bago pa ako makaisang hakbang, ipinalibot niya ang kaniyang mga kamay sa aking baywang at mahigpit akong niyakap.

The first thing that came to my mind is to push him away. But then, who am I kidding? I want this. I need this.

Just one hug from him made the burden I was carrying lighter. It feels like all my broken pieces were glued back together because of his embrace. It was as if the years we spent apart were insignificant anymore... it was as if we never separated ways... it was like I found myself again.

Even though I am in the midst of all of these... everything seemed to be in their right places... it's like I finally found my peace and comfort again despite this situation we are in.

"You're so unfair," bulong ko. "Gusto kong magalit at patuloy kang sisihin pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto kong lumayo pero isang yakap mo lang, parang nakalimutan ko na ang lahat. Isang explenasyon mo lang, naintindihan ko na agad... isang ngiti mo lang..." I trailed off, then sighing. "Napakadaya mo, Orion..."

"I want to remind myself that you left me when I needed you the most and that you are my heartbreaker but instead, all I could think about is that you are my squid; the one who gave me baked treats; the one whom I look up to; the one who didn't judge me for my pettiness; the one who listened to my nonsense talks; the one who didn't make me feel bad for crying over a concert; the one who didn't laugh at all my dramas; the one who was patient with me."

Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng kaniyang yakap na parang nakadepende sa akin ang buhay niya. Hindi ako makapaniwala na kahit nasa ganitong sitwasyon kami, nakaramdam pa rin ako ng kapayapaan.

Everything seemed dark but it's surprising that I could see the light somewhere. I can feel it. I didn't even know that it's possible to find peace in the midst of the storm. To see the light when things are dark.

Maybe it's because even though there isn't a light, I chose to believe that there is and now I can see it.

"What are we gonna do next?" I heard him ask.

Kinalas ko ang yakap at naguguluhan siyang tinitigan.

"What do you mean? And why are you asking me?" Nanatili siyang tahimik pero mukhang may gustong sabihin. "Spill it, Orion. Just lay all your cards and I'll do the same then we'll talk. I think it's better this way because being confused and questioning all the time is just hard. Let's please stop making everything complicated."

"Fine, kakapalan ko na ang mukha ko," aniya at sandaling ipinikit ang mga mata bago ulit nagsalita.

"I feel like I already lost the right to say this when I left but if you're gonna ask me, I obviously want to be with you. But then, I have no right to just leave and come back when I want to. And that's why I'm asking you. If you want us to just be civil, then okay. If you want us to treat each other as business partners, then so be it. If you don't want to have anything to do with me... then I guess I have to leave again," he trailed off.

"You're confusing," I pointed out. "You just said that you want to be with me but you're also suggesting that you're leaving."

He sighed. "I meant it when I said that I want to be with you and I'm saying this because I want to make it clear to you. But if you're not comfortable with that, then I'll back off because..." he sighed again. "...look at our situation, I'm the one who left yet I'm also the one who's saying that I want us to get back together. I may sound like a demanding asshole right now but please don't think that I'm pressuring you into anything."

I bit my lips, a bit surprised by his straightforwardness. If there's a balimbing and marupok scale, I'll obviously exceed the limit.

Kahapon lang, siguradong-sigurado na ako na magmo-move on na talaga ako sa kaniya. Sinabi ko pa sa sarili na hindi na ako apektado... pero ngayon...

"How about we take things slow," I suggested. "I'm sure we'll figure this out along the way."

He nodded with a serious look on his face though I could see a small smile that was trying to escape. Patuloy ko siyang pinagmasdan hanggang sa hindi niya na naitago ang mga ngiti.

"There's still something that I have to explain to you though," he said, now serious.

"Is it about how the breakup letter I mentioned yesterday?" I asked. He didn't answer but only nodded so I took it as a queue to continue. "I figured out back then that it wasn't from you and that it was Tavora's ploy to stop me from meddling with whatever it was that she was doing. That's why the reason I was really hurt was because you left without a word... because I knew that the letter wasn't from you."

He let out a sigh of relief and smiled. "That's right. Tavora had been embezzling from our companies but we didn't have much proofs that time. When you found her in my office, I was in Dubai because one of her accomplice got caught and I had to be there. But then, you were... you, uh—"

"—it happened," I continued. He looked like he's also having a hard time and it seems to me that he's still guilty that I got dragged by Tavora. "And then you realized that you had to leave so it wouldn't happen again."

He nodded and once again let out a sigh of relief. I smiled at him, a new hope starting to spark within me. I know that everything's not that okay yet, but I know we'll get there.

Funny how fast things can change; how our almost-fairytale like relationship went downhill in a snap; how my colorful life was suddenly filled with heartbreaks; and now, how my tears, pain, and confusion are starting to get alleviated with just one long talk.

Life really is a game but we're not the players, instead, we were the ones that were played. But I guess it's all for the better.

What happened made me strong. It made me realize that I don't need anyone to survive; that I don't need other people's strength because I am my own strength.

What happened made me face my fears. It made me realize that I can be brave on my own; that I can survive on my own.

My experiences made me learn to be strong for myself; to be my own comfort; to be my own light.

But most importantly, my experiences taught me how to forgive... how to survive and deal with life despite all the challenges... despite all the heartbreaks...

So whatever it is that will come next, I'll wholeheartedly participate in this game of life because I know that I will survive no matter what. And because one way or another, I'll make sure that I'll triumph over my heartbreaks.