The days passed by like a blur and nothing seems to be going right. The only thing that kept me going is the thought that "it won't rain forever".

After mama's burial, I came home to find out that my sisters were suffering from chicken pox. And since I haven't experienced such before, I got infected as well.

We spent more than a week at the hospital since we can't stay at home because of the babies.

"So, how's everything going?" My therapist asked.

Kahit labag sa loob ko at ayaw ko mang aminin, alam kong kailangan ko ng tulong.

I know that I can take good care of myself and forget all of these but I have to be courageous and face these so I could move on.

This isn't our first session so I'm already comfortable with her. It was hard to open up but I know that I had to do so.

After my therapy session, I went home feeling lighthearted. I'm not totally okay but I know I'll get there.

"Ate, tumawag sina ate Galaxy—" natigil si Brooklyn at napasinghap. "—we forgot to tell them about mama! They love mama! They'll get heartbroken—"

"I'll message them," I assured. "Ako na ang bahala."

Sa sobrang dami ng mga aalahanin ko, nakalimutan kong may mga kaibigan pa pala ako.

I opened my messenger app for the first time after weeks of being inactive. My inbox was full and my friends were spamming me with messages.

Ako:

Hi

Galaxy:

OH MY GOSH! I WENT TO THE STATES BCS WE WERE WORRIED SICK AND THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY? HI?!

Caramel:

GHOSTER KA I HATE U

Vanilla:

Please😭dont😭forget😭that😭u😭have😭friends😭who😭overreact😭as😭much😭as😭u😭do

Sugar:

Nasabi na nila lahat pero NAKAKAINIS KA! 👊🏻😔

Marami pa silang sinabi at hinintay ko munang kumalma sila. Alam kong ako ang may kasalanan dahil hindi ko man lang sila ininform.

In my defense, I didn't tell them because I didn't want to add up to their problems. Yes, we're friends and I trust them but I don't want to burden them with my problems.

I told them what happened and explained myself. I know that they'd understand my reason since they're just like me as well.

Lahat kami masikreto at mas pinipiling itago ang mga problema. Ang pinagkaiba ko lang sa kanilang apat ay kapag tatanungin sila, sasabihin naman nila ang mga pinagdadaanan nila. Ako naman, kahit araw-araw pa akong pilitin, kung ayaw kong ipaalam, hindi ko talaga iyon sasabihin.

Our group chat remained silent especially when I told them about mama's passing away. I know they love mama as much as I do but... I don't know... not telling them about it when it happened felt like the most logical thing to do.

I sighed, hoping really hard that they're not mad at me.

I wasn't planning to tell them everything but my therapist advised that I should talk to people whom I trust so that's what I did. I felt at ease now that I got to talk to them but I really hope my problems didn't add up to theirs.

We continued chatting and they cheered me up in their own unique ways. Sugar, being the epal that she is, sent us a voice message of her singing "London bridge" but altered the lyrics.

Her voice sounds terrible but I didn't tell her that. I'm really grateful that she's trying to make me feel better despite the disturbing accuracy of her lyrics.

I listened to it over and over again until I memorized the lyrics. It goes something like this: "London's got a broken heart, broken heart, broken heart. London's got a broken heart, my poor bestie."

Ako:

Pag ikaw iniwan, kakantahan din kita.

Sugar:

G ba! Gusto ko yung full version

Caramel:

Aba confident! Wag kang umiyak samin ha

Galaxy:

PAP ng boses mo @Sugar

Sugar:

PAP?? Pretty and pleasing? Thanks

Galaxy:

Pota ang pangit...

Natawa na lang ako sa kabaliwan nila. Nagpaalam muna ako at nangakong hindi ko na uulitin ang ginawa.

I opened my email and I saw the offer from tita Viella. I thanked her for it and started thinking if I'm gonna accept it or not.

Pagkatapos ng mga nangyari, gusto ko munang magpakalayo-layo. Accepting this Europe offer wouldwill be a great opportunity to continue working while healing myself. I want to heal and move on but that doesn't mean I'll stop working.

I spent years to achieve my career and I can't just disregard it because life has been tough on me.

Gustuhin ko mang mag-chill lang pero alam kong marami pa akong dapat gawin. At isa doon ay ang pag-abot ng mga pangarap ko.

I received another email from the company itself and the offer was pretty great! The salary is high plus a part of their offer are a condominium and a car!

I then researched about the company and the owners as well and so far, they have a good reputation.

I emailed the company back and told them that I'm planning to accept their offer. I then messaged Engr. Benvolio and apologized for my absence.

I know it doesn't matter much since my contract expired a week ago but for the sake of respect, I still emailed her.

Plano ko munang manatili dito ng isa pang buwan bago bumalik sa Massachusetts. Nabanggit ko na rin kay dad na may job offer ako sa Europe at gusto niya ring tanggapin ko iyon.

Nighttime came and just like what I planned, I told dad that I'm gonna accept the offer in Europe. I then proposed something to him. I've been thinking about it and it's all for the sake of helping him.

"You want to bring your siblings with you?" Hindi makapaniwala niyang tanong.

"One of the twins and another one of the three." I shrugged. "I just want to help you."

Patuloy kaming nag-usap ni dad at aniya raw na pag-iisipan niya muna.

Pumasok ako sa kuwarto at dahil hindi pa naman ako inaantok, sa balkonahe muna ako tumambay.

The cool breeze of the night welcomed me when I opened the balcony door. I leaned on the railings and focused my eyes on the sky.

It used to remind me of mama. But now, it reminded me of her and her death.

That certain constellation used to remind me of how happy Orion and I were. But now, it only reminded me how he broke my heart.

It reminded me of my sorrow, my loneliness, and that my life will never be as bright as it was.

It's sad to think that these things were the ones that used to soothe my soul and calm my mind. And for the first time in my whole existence, the night sky didn't make me feel at ease.

The moon was bright but its gleaming light didn't save me from darkness. Its beam that used to bring hope is now suffocating me with fear, corrupting my mind that the little hope I have will be engulfed with despair.

I went back to my room since staying out on the balcony will just cloud my mind with the unwanted thoughts I've been avoiding.

I lay on my bed and made myself comfortable. I then covered myself with the comforter, hoping it would give me some warmth.

I turned the lamp off and my room is now covered in darkness. I curled myself and wished to have the courage and the motivation to fight for the light and save myself before I totally succumb to the darkness.