"Unnie... wake up..." nagising ako nang maramdamang may yumoyugyog sa akin.

Minulat ko ang mga mata at ipinalibot ang tingin. Nandito pa rin ako sa study ng mga magulang at dito pala nakatulog.

Unti-unting bumalik sa memorya ko ang mga nangyari pero mas pinili kong huwag na lang muna isipin ang mga iyon.

"Unnie," tawag ulit ng kapatid. "Nandito na sina dad at ang kambal... plus one," aniya sabay ngiti.

Her eyes were puffy and both of her nose and cheeks were red. Her lips trembled when she smiled and I'm sure that I look like her too.

"Stop smiling like you're okay," I said, then fixing the mess I made in our parents' study.

Tinulungan niya ako sa pagligpit ng mga gamit at sabay kaming pumunta sa may sala.

Dad, together with my siblings and what seems to be like the triplets' personal nurses, was waiting for us at the living room.

Umalis iyong mga nurse kaya naiwan kami ng mga kapatid kasama ang ama.

Kinuha ko ang isa sa triplets habang ang dalawa naman ay kinarga ng kambal. Hinalik-halikan ko ang pisngi ng kapatid dahil gigil na gigil na talaga ako.

"Names?" Tanong ko sa ama na kinukuhanan pala kami ng litrato.

He scratched his head and smiled sheepishly. "Can you put them back in their cribs? I'm still having a hard time in telling them apart."

We did as we were told and waited for our confused father to introduce us to our newborn siblings.

Technically, they're not really my siblings but I'll deal with that matter later.

"Girls," dad called. "This is the only girl, Melbourne Thalassa." He then gestured to the other and scratched his head again. "I'm not sure which is which but these are your brothers, Mykonos Vero and Vero Santorini."

My jaw literally dropped open when I heard the boys' names.

"Vero?" Crescent asked, then glancing at me. "Like kuya Vero? Ate's lover?"

Lover? More like heartbreaker!

"Yup!" Dad answered proudly. He then turned to me with a smile. "Your mama was very fond of him."

I gave them a small smile before excusing myself. I had to leave because I might end up bursting their happy bubble.

We're all facing a really difficult situation and the least that I can do is not ruining their day even more.

Hearing his name triggered the unwanted thoughts to enter my mind. The problems I've been trying to drown came rushing back like uncontrollable waves.

I sat on the sofa swing on our porch but immediately stood up when I remembered that I also sat here with him.

"London," dad called. "Can we talk? I have something to tell you."

Kahit alam ko naman ang kaniyang sasabihin, kinabahan pa rin ako. Reading the truth is one thing. But actually hearing it from my dad is another.

"I already know, dad." I faced him with a sad smile, trying so hard not to burst into tears. "I already know that I'm not your daughter."

His eyes widened and took a step back, clearly shocked and confused on how I found out.

"I checked our health journals and saw our blood types." I bit my lips and averted my eyes to the side. "Two B's can't produce an A, can they?"

I gathered all my strength to look at him. Puno ng pagsisisi at kahihiyan ang kaniyang mukha. It pained me to see him this way; to see him looking so guilty and ashamed.

I walked towards him and pulled him into a hug. He sobbed on my shoulder and I let him be.

If only I could take all his pain away, I'd do it wholeheartedly.

"I'm sorry... we should've told you sooner... I'm sorry, London," he sobbed. He was clearly hurt and heartbroken because of mama's passing away and now, this. The only thing I can do right now is to be strong for him and to be a shoulder to cry on.

"I'm sorry that we hid this from you... and for not telling you about your mama's condition."

"Let's not dwell on it, dad." I wanted to say that it's okay but then... it's not... it's not okay that they hid those from me... but then, what can I do? It's not like we could go back in time to change it, right?

"I really am sorry, London," he apologized again, then facing me. "Is there a way that I can make it up to you?"

I sighed. "Dad, I am more than grateful that you took care of me and loved me as your own. You never made me feel that I wasn't part of your family," I said. "There's no need to make it up to me because everything you've done is more than enough already."

My dad softened and gave me a proud look. "I'm so blessed to have you as my daughter." He embraced me once again and we stayed there for a while.

We talked about mama's burial and I thought we were gonna hold a wake for her but it turns out mama doesn't want such.

Bilin daw ni mama na huwag nang magkaroon ng lamay dahil ayaw niya raw na may magluksa para sa kaniya. At dahil walang lamay, bukas na agad ang libing niya.

It was the most excruciating conversation I had with my dad. Talking about mama's burial made me realize that she really is gone. I'll never see her again. All of these are true and I'm not just in a nightmare!

"London, aren't you going to tell your friends about this?" Dad asked, hesitating. "I mean... they were pretty much your mama's daughters too."

I shook my head. "They won't make it on time for tomorrow's burial. They'll get really hurt, dad..."

Dad eyed me for a while as if reading me. "Are you sure? I mean..."

I shook my head again and sighed. I really don't want to talk about this. Telling my friends would just make me feel even worse. And another thing that would be worse is that they'll get hurt too! They'll be burdened with all of this!

Dad didn't press on with the topic and I'm grateful for such.

The day that I've been dreading came and even though we only informed our family yesterday, a lot of them still made it.

Tulala ako buong misa at bumalik lang sa wisyo nang tinawag kami ng pari. We had to bless mama with the holy water and my hand was trembling the whole time.

When the mass ended, the casket was placed on a burial vault before it was lowered to the ground until it was out of our sight. We placed a piece of flower before it was sealed.

Habang ang iba ay kumakain na, ako ay nanatiling nakaupo at tulalang tinitigan kung saan nilibing si mama.

The pain was unexplainable. I'm not sure if I can function after this. Just the thought of mama being gone paralyzed me— it was too much to bear.

Hindi ko na alam kung anong uunahin ko. Sa sobrang kaiiyak at kaiisip, hindi ko na rin alam kung anong nararamdaman ko.

Am I longing for Orion? For mama? Is my heart broken because the man I love left me? Or is it because I will never see my mama again? Is this sadness? Pain? Emptiness? Or am I even feeling something? Maybe I'm numb from all of this?

Hindi ko na maipaliwanag. Ang alam ko lang ay gusto ko nang mawala ang lahat ng ito dahil malapit na akong mabaliw.

I overreact and overthink even petty situations. How much more now that my mama died and my heart is broken?

Everything is falling apart and it feels like succumbing to the darkness is the only choice I have.

It was still daytime but everything seems dark, figuratively and literally since everyone were wearing black. The sky was dark as well and the weather is depressingly gloomy.

Hindi nagtagal, nagsimula nang magsialisan ang mga bisita. The triplets wouldn't stop crying and my sisters were all feeling sick so dad had to bring them home.

I thought everyone left already and I was left alone. So when someone spoke beside me, I nearly had a heart attack.

"Please don't startle me like that," sabi ko sa pinsan habang sapo-sapo ang dibdib.

Italy gave me an apologetic smile before placing an arm on my shoulders, then pulling me closer to him. Niyakap ko siya sa tagiliran at sinubsob ang mukha sa kaniyang dibdib.

"I'll take you home," he offered, breaking the silence.

Hinarap ko siya at saka umiling. Tumango naman siya at hinalikan ako sa noo bago umalis.

Mag-isa na lang ako sa sementeryo at hindi ko mapigilang mapaisip kung paano nagbago ang mga kinakakatakutan ko.

Before, my idea of scary was all about monsters. But now that I'm in this situation, I don't think there is something way more scarier than losing the people you love. May it be through death or they simply just left.

I kneeled on the ground and brought a hand to the headstone.

Celestina Sky C. Farello, it says.

Napaigtad ako nang nakarinig ng kulog. Mukhang makikiiyak din ang kalangitan, ah?

How I wish I could turn back the time when she's still alive so I could tell her how grateful I am to have her as my mother; for loving me despite my imperfections; for guiding me when I felt lost; for supporting me in everything I do; for not giving up on me when I wanted to give up on myself; and for loving me despite the fact I'm not hers.

She may not be my biological mother, but she will always be my mama.

I'm sure that I will have a hard time in accepting her death; in picking myself up; in coping up with all of these.

I want to give to give up but for her, I'll continue to live. I'll take good care of dad and my siblings for her. I'll live my life for her because I know that's what she wants me to do.

I promise that I'll recover from all of these but for now, I have to mourn for her and for my broken heart.

I promise that I'll be strong but for now, I'll allow myself to be weak and succumb to the darkness so I'd appreciate the light when I see it again.

I promise that I'll pick my broken pieces but for now, they'll remain scattered while I regain my strength to put them back together.

Kumulog ulit bago tuluyang umulan. Kasabay ng pagpatak ng mga ulan ay ang pagtulo ng mga luhang kanina ko pa kinikimkim.

Ngayon ko lang naramdaman kung gaano ako kalungkot... kung gaano kasakit maiwan.

Iniwan ako ng dalawang taong pinakamamahal ko.

Ang isa, umalis kahit hindi ginusto. Ang isa naman, kusang umalis.

Masama ang loob ko sa kaniya dahil umalis siya ng walang paalam. But as much as I don't want to admit it, it would've been better if he's here with me.

Unfortunately, he's not.

I have to be strong on my own. I have to depend on no one but myself. I have to be my own hero and my own healer because at the end of the day, everyone will leave and I only have myself.