I wasn't able to sleep again so I just lay on my bed with eyes wide open. Natatakot akong matulog dahil baka kung ano-ano na naman ang mapapanaginipan ko.

Biglang nag-ring ang cellphone ko na agad ko namang ikinabangon. Napangiti ako nang makitang si dad ang tumatawag.

"Hello dad!" I greeted, trying my best to sound okay.

"Your mom gave birth already."

Finally! Some good news.

"That's great, dad! Really!" I found myself smiling at the news. Excited na akong makita ang mga kapatid at baka ito rin ang kinakailangan kong gawin ngayon— ang makasama ang pamilya. "I'll go there as soon as possible, dad."

"London... uh..." dad trailed off, hesitating. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero bigla akong kinabahan. I just received a good news but something feels wrong.

"She didn't make it," he said in almost a whisper. "Your mama, London, she didn't make it."

At that moment, my world seemed to stop. I was rooted to the spot because of what I heard.

"T-that's impossible, dad," sabi ko at bahagyang natawa ngunit unti-unti nang lumuluha. Pinatay ko ang tawag at dali-daling nag-empake.

I will go to Minnesota right now and prove that dad was just kidding!

Hindi na ako nakapagbihis dahil sa sobrang pagmamadali. Tanging sweaters at sweatpants lang ang suot ko habang dala-dala ang isang maleta.

Ang una kong ginawa pagdating sa airport ay ang pagbili ng ticket. I got a flight an hour from now and the waiting feels longer than it should be.

I felt uneasy by just sitting and waiting so I decided to distract myself by roaming around the airport.

What did he mean by "she didn't make it"? Maybe she didn't make it to the hospital so she gave birth at our house?

I made up some excuses to calm myself. They were lame and unbelievable but they're enough to alleviate the anxiousness I'm feeling.

Finally, for what seems like forever, my flight was called. It wasn't that long since we ascended but I already found myself restless. I wanted to sleep but my discomforting thoughts and pounding heart stopped me from doing so.

"Excuse me, miss? Are you okay?" The guy beside me asked. "You've been fidgeting in your seat."

"Sorry!" I smiled awkwardly while rubbing my palms.

Nanatili ang seryoso niyang tingin habang nakataas ang isang kilay. "So... are you okay?"

"Yeah..." I gave him a small smile before leaning to my seat.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata at niyakap ang sarili. I then took some deep breaths, hoping it would help me calm down.

"Hey..." I opened my eyes when I felt someone tap me. "Wear this. You stopped fidgeting but started to shiver instead." He then took his overcoat off and handed it to me.

I smiled shyly and shook my head. "Thank you but you'd feel cold if you lend me that."

"My sweater's thicker than yours," aniya sabay kibit-balikat. "And I don't mind the cold."

He placed his coat on my lap which I then wore, making me feel warm. The fabric was soft and comfortable. Wearing it feels like being in someone's warm embrace.

Orion's face then popped in my head. He used to embrace me all the time, making me comfortable and at peace. But now, just thinking about him and what we used to do together feels like being stabbed in the chest. The nostalgia, instead of longing alone, is now laced with discomfort and pain.

Thinking about him feels good but also hurts at the same time. And I don't even know how something so painful can also be something I really want.

It's not like I want the pain. I guess I just want him; to think about him and reminisce but it so happens that thinking about him also reminds me about what he did. About how he left without an explanation.

"Feeling better?" The guy beside me asked, breaking my chain of thoughts.

"Yeah," I said with a nod. "Thank you..." I prolonged the last word, waiting for him to introduce himself.

"Zio. It's Zio."

"Well, thank you, Zio," I smiled gratefully. "I hope I won't forget to return this to you."

"Glad to help," he said, then giving me a boyish smile. "Hope you're okay. If you wanna talk about something, just give me a tap."

He leaned back on his seat while I was left alone with my thoughts. I could really use someone to talk to but... I don't know...

But then again, I guess I could ask some advice from him without telling him my problems... besides, he's a stranger. He'll surely forget about me after this. Who knows if we'll ever see each other again.

"Hey..." I called, then tapping his shoulder.

He looked at me and smiled but didn't say anything. I took it as a signal to continue speaking. "What do you do if something unexpected happens? Like you know, dilemmas and heartbreaks in life."

"Deal with it. Harder than it sounds but that's the only way out." He smiled.

"Things like that can't be controlled that's why they happen unexpectedly but you can always control how you react and how you deal with it. You can cry your heart out, you can be mad, you can feel disappointed but after that, you have to move forward or else you'll get stuck and just stay in misery. You'll miss the better things in store for you if you'll cage yourself in the past."

He paused and took a moment to just look at me with his serious eyes. "When life knocks you down, make sure to pick yourself up. No matter how long it will take you and how hard it is, pick yourself up because no one's gonna do it for you."

"Wow..." hindi ko mapigilang mapatango-tango. "Thanks... I'll remember that." I tried reading his emotions and it seems to me that he's speaking from experience but I don't know... I might be wrong.

"I don't know what you're going through right now but you're stronger than you think and you'll get through it," he added.

"That's so nice of you." I smiled. Hindi ko man siya kilala maliban sa pangalan, gumaan ang loob ko dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. "Thanks a lot, Zio."

The both of us then started talking about random topics. I couldn't help but remember him since we also used to do such before.

Talking with Zio actually made me feel better. I learned a lot from him. I may just have met him but I could tell from the things he speaks about that he's a wise person.

"It was nice meeting you, London." Zio tapped my shoulder before pulling his luggage and disappeared into the crowd.

Dumiretso ako sa hospital na tinatrabuhan ng mga magulang at tumungo agad sa opisina ng ama. Nagbaka-sakali akong dito ko siya mahahanap at hindi nga ako nagkamali.

His tired eyes widened when I entered his office and ran to hug him. "You're here! I thought I was hallucinating."

"Of course I'm here!" I replied enthusiastically yet deep down, I'm in turmoil. Seeing him looking so weary and tired made me worry. Isang tingin pa lang sa kalagayan ng ama ay sapat na para malaman na may mali.

"Where's mom?" Tanong ko, pinipigilan ang sarili na umiyak.

My voice was trembling and I could feel my tears pooling in my eyes but I forced myself not to cry. I'm not gonna break down in front of my dad. My tears will just burden him and make him feel worse.

"She's in the morgue already," he said with a sigh. "We can go there but... do you really want to?"

My body went rigid because of that. "I thought you were lying when you said that..." I trailed off.

"Did you really think I was lying? Or did you force yourself to think that I was lying?" He sighed again. "You wanted to make yourself believe that this isn't true, right?"

Hindi ako sumagot at yumuko na lang. Iyon lang ang tanging paraan na alam kong gagana sa akin at alam iyon ng ama.

He sat on the couch and made me sit beside him. "Denial and repressions have always been your defense mechanisms. You pretend that the heartbreaking things that happened in your life didn't happen. You force yourself to forget them so you won't get hurt; so you won't feel the pain that comes with those circumstances."

Hindi ulit ako sumagot at hinintay lang ang ama na magpatuloy. Kilalang-kilala ako ng mga magulang at tuwing nag-uusap kami ng ganito ka seryoso, mas pinipili kong makinig na lang.

"I'm your father but I know that I can only guide you but never tell you what you should do and how you should think," he continued. "So allow me to tell you this: you may be so good in pretending that such circumstances didn't happen but you can't deny the fact that they still haunt you even though they all happened in the past. And it's all because you never faced them; you just shove them in your Pandora's box and make yourself believe that you've moved on."

I can't help but wince every time he hits a nerve. He may not know what I've been doing and what has been happening lately with my life but he knows how I react to them. Alam niya kung paano ko solusyonan ang mga problema ko ngunit ngayon niya lang talaga itong sinabi sa akin ng harap-harapan.

"No matter how hard you try to hide your problems, you will eventually still have to face them," he continued, then putting an arm on my shoulder and letting me rest on his shoulder. "So why not ready yourself and face them as soon as you can. Face your problems and destroy them before they destroy you."

It was getting harder to stop my tears but I still managed. I guess it's easy to control them especially that I've been crying so much lately.

"It's just hard to accept it you know... I mean... we'd never get to talk again... nor see each other again... gone already..."

I wasn't sure if I'm talking about mama or Orion. But maybe both.

"I want to help you, London. I don't want you to look back in your life and regret that you lived it with grief, hatred and grudges in your heart. I want you to move forward, London. And the only way you can do that is through healing."

"I want to heal from this too, dad." And from my other heartbreak as well.

"You can't heal if you're gonna keep pretending that you're not hurt," aniya at sumulyap sa akin. "And healing doesn't necessarily mean that the pain will just vanish, London. Healing simply means that even though there's pain, it no longer has the power to control you."

Nanatili kaming tahimik hanggang sa hindi ko na nakayanan. The more I have the time to think, the worse I feel and the more inclined I am to burst into tears.

"Can I see my siblings?"

I heard him sigh before standing up. He helped get up since I feel really weak to even stand. We then went to the nursery and there on their cribs were the triplets.

Though my heart was tearing into pieces little by little, seeing my siblings just peacefully sleeping like angels and bundles of joy wrapped in cloth, I felt a little hope spark within me.

I suddenly remembered Zio and what he said about how we can't control our situations but we can control our reactions.

I can't bring my mother back from the dead but I can always choose to focus on the silver lining of my circumstance and that is I have three new siblings whom I can shower with love and affection.

Umalis man si mama, may tatlong anghel naman siyang iniwan.

Hindi ako nagtagal sa ospital at umuwi na sa bahay namin. Tulog ang mga kapatid ko nang dumating ako at hindi ko na sila ginising.

Marami akong katanungan ngunit ayaw kong dagdagan ang mga iniisip ng ama at abalahin pa siya.

I went to my parents' study to check on something. I rummaged through their files, finding my mama's health journal. It's something that each one of us have that mama and dad made. Our health journals are like our medical records which contains our check up results, illnesses we had, the medicines and vitamins we take, and everything that has something to do with our health.

From what I read, mama has a brain aneurysm and it was only detected at the later part of her pregnancy... and they didn't even tell me...

I wanted to know more but it seems to me that they kept another journal. Iyong tungkol sa brain aneurysm lang ang natuklasan ko at wala nang iba.

At dahil tapos ko na ang kay mama, iyong sa mga kapatid ko at ang kay dad naman ang binasa ko. I made sure that I didn't skip a word. One of them might be suffering from an illness that I wasn't informed about.

Fortunately, none of them is suffering from a disease. I decided to read mine's, then finding something that made me recheck my parents' journals.

My heart started hammering inside my chest when I checked that certain part in each of our journals. I didn't want to overreact but I'm ninety percent sure with this. To double check, I even searched for that certain chart, hoping it would tell me that I thought wrong.

"Ate? You're here?" I flinched when I heard Crescent's voice.

Napatingin ako sa may pintuan at nakita ang kapatid na yakap-yakap ang kaniyang teddy bear.

Nginitian ko ang kapatid at pinalapit siya sa akin. I made her sit on my lap and hugged her tight.

Everything's falling apart and my life isn't getting any better!

First, the breakup. Second, my mama. And now, I found something out.

Something about my identity.

"Are you okay?" She asked in her usual soft voice. For a while there, I forgot how tough the world is on me. "Is kuya Vero with you? I miss him already!"

I closed my eyes and bit my lips, trying really hard not to cry. My heart ached even more because of the question.

No, I'm not okay.

No, he's not with me.

And I miss him too.

"He's busy, baby," I lied. Your kuya Vero is busy with another woman.

"Oh okay! I'll be the one who'll make you smile then," aniya na may malaking ngiti. "You look so sad, ate, but kuya Vero makes you smile. But since he's not here, I'll do it! I promised him to make you smile when he's not around."

Nagulat ako sa sinabi ng kapatid— sa kung paano niya napansin na napapangiti ako ni Orion at lalo na sa huli niyang sinabi.

"Ate's fine, baby," I lied again and forced a smile. "Ate's smiling already."

She looked unconvinced but still nodded, then handing me an envelope. "Mama wants me to give this to you."

Pagkatapos niyang ibigay ang envelope sa akin, hinalikan niya ako sa magkabilang pisngi at nagpaalam na babalik na sa kaniyang kwarto.

Ako naman, binuksan na ang envelope. And as expected, it was a letter from my mother.

Every word I read pierced my heart. My heart literally feels like being crumpled right now and I could no longer stop myself from crying.

Mama's words were sweet... and kind... and gentle... even her words, though heartbreaking, brought me comfort. Her passing away and this letter are honestly too much to take... too painful... but even so, I felt comforted as if each word I read is like a warm embrace from her. I could hear her voice as I read the letter. I could feel her presence.

It was too melancholic and too pure. Mama has this special ability to tell the saddest news and cause me to be in the most grievous state, but still make it beautiful in her own way.

... I am so so proud of you. So proud that you were able to live independently, to chase your dreams, and to let your heart free to love.

I hope that you can forgive your dad and I for hiding my condition to you and your sisters. I'm not sure if I'll be able to live after I give birth, but I assure you, I'd be at a peaceful place.

I also hope that you can forgive us for keeping the truth about your real identity. I never planned on telling you this but you deserve the truth. I want to tell it to you through this letter but you deserve to hear it from us. If I will make it, then you'll hear it from us. If not, your dad will do the honor.

I am really sorry that we didn't tell you this before. There is no reason that will justify our actions but I really hope that you won't hate us because of this.

I will always love you as my own, my baby London. Please remember that.

Soar high and reach for the stars.

Love,
Mama

Lalo akong napahagulgol nang matapos basahin ang sulat. This is worse than a nightmare because if I were only in one, I could just wake up from it and proceed with my life.

But I wasn't! This is not just a bad dream. It's my reality!

I wiped my tears and read the letter again. When I reached the bottom part, I couldn't help but sigh and cry even more.

"There's no need for dad to tell me the truth because I already know," I said in a low, shaky voice as if I was talking with mama. "I already know that..." I trailed off. I want to say it. I know the words but my tongue seems to be not functioning.

...I am not a Farello.