I opened my eyes, ignoring the searing pain on my head. There were low, whispering voices and I'm pretty sure they're Euxine's, Phili's and Andy's.

I tried to help myself get up and sit but failed. The three immediately noticed my sudden movement which made them rush to my side.

The memories of what happened, from the office to the letter, and to the part when I saw nothing but darkness, came rushing to my mind.

Just thinking about what happened suffocated me. It didn't help when I started remembering the last time I was brought here.

This feels like déjà vu. The bleeding, the hospital bed, and the sight of Euxine, Phili and Andy with their worried faces. The only difference here is that Orion's not around.

"How's your head?"

"Are you feeling better?"

"Do you need anything?"

Hindi ko alam kung anong unang sasagutin dahil sunod-sunod ang kanilang mga tanong. Dumating din ang doctor at dalawang nurse. They asked me some questions and checked me up. I wasn't able to comprehend anything she said and my friends knows that so they did the listening for me.

Nang lumabas ang doctor at mga nurse, dumating ang isa sa mga secretary ni Orion.

"Good evening miss Farello," bati niya. "Mr. Alvarez asked me to check on you, miss."

Tumaas ang kilay ko sa narinig. "Where is he?"

Alam kong hindi nanggaling sa kaniya ang breakup letter na iyon kaya ba't wala siya rito? Sa opisina niya mismo naganap kaya sigurado akong alam niya ang nangyari.

"I'm afraid I can't disclose that to you without his permission," aniya at saka yumuko.

"What do you mean?!" Pagalit kong tanong. "He's my boyfriend so why isn't he here? Shouldn't he be the one visiting me?"

Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba ito sa nangyari o ano pero bigla akong napahagulgol. Litong-lito ako sa mga nangyayari at hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Pagod na akong maospital at hindi ko na alam kung saan ako kakapit. Isang tao lang ang sigurado akong maaasahan ko pero siya mismo, hindi nandito.

If he isn't here and it's only his secretary who's visiting me then... that letter miss Tavora let me read must be really from him. Kung hindi iyon nanggaling sa kaniya at may pakialam pa nga siya sa akin, dapat nandito siya.

Agad akong inalo ng mga kaibigan at pinatahan ako. Nang mapagod sa kakaiyak, muli akong natulog. Pagkagising ko, ang mga kaibigan at ang secretary ni Orion pa rin ang kasama ko. Umaasa ako na sana mali lang ang pagkakaintindi ko ng sitwasyon kanina at nagbabaka-sakaling si Orion ang makagisingan ko.

Orion's secretary then asked if I could recall what happened since it would help in their investigation since all CCTV footages were deleted.

I told him everything— from miss Tavora using Orion's laptop, to the letter, until the part I passed out. Ang hindi ko lang sinabi ay ang nilalaman ng sulat. Ang sinabi ko lang ay may binigay na sulat si miss Tavora sa aking na nanggaling daw kay Orion.

His secretary didn't stay long so I was again left with my friends. Sila ang nagbantay sa akin sa mga araw na nanatili ako sa ospital. Alam kong marami silang mga tanong pero walang may nagtangkang tanungin ako. Mas mabuti nga kung ganoon dahil hindi pa ako handa at hindi ko pa tanggap ang mga nangyayari.

Marami rin akong katanungan kung bakit iyon nagawa ni miss Tavora. May gusto din ba siya kay Orion at alam niyang may relasyon kami? O may iba siyang pakay at sadyang pumagitna lang talaga ako?

At sa dinami-rami ng paraang pwedeng makipag-break, ba't naisipan ni Orion na bigyan lang ako ng sulat? He told me that he loves but where is he? Why isn't he here with me when I need him? And if he wanted to break up with me why through a letter? Don't I at least deserve an explanation?

My answers to all the questions I have are both "I don't know" and "I don't want to know".

I sometimes find my way of thinking weird but then, I know that this is the best way for me to cope up and to forget the pain. Nahihirapan akong tanggapin ang mga bagay na nagbubulag-bulagan pa ako kaya mas pinipili kong magpanggap na walang nangyari.

Not thinking about what happened, pretending that it didn't happen, and just burying those memories are my ways of moving on.

I'm not even sure if what I'm doing can be considered as moving on but that's how I do it.

These are the only ways I know and these are the only ones that work best for me.

May a nurse brought my food to my room while the three ordered theirs and we ate together. I am more than grateful and happy to have then here with me. These past few days have been really difficult especially that I had a lot of time to overthink but they helped in easing the burden I was carrying.

There wasn't a day that I didn't hope and pray to see Orion. Kung sa kaniya nga nanggaling ang sulat na iyon, kahit isang beses lang sana na makita at makausap ko siya, okay na ako. Kahit ayaw ko mang mawalay sa kaniya, kung iyon ang gusto niya, irerespeto ko.

All I'm asking to see him one last time. He doesn't have to tell me the reasons why he wants to break up. I just really want to see him... even if it means the end of us... even if it's our last goodbye...

"London! London!" Tawag ni Euxine. "Why does the elephant need the fridge?"

Naputol ang pag-iisip ko dahil sa tanong ni Euxine. This is probably one of their attempts to make me laugh. "Why?"

"Cuz it lights up his world," aniya at saka humalakhak ngunit bigla ding ngumuso nang makitang wala ni isang tumawa sa joke niya. "Oh gosh, it's not funny."

"No! It's funny! Really!" I assured then started laughing. Hindi ko naintindihan ang joke niya pero sinakyan ko na lang.

"The jokes would've been funny if you didn't mix them up," mahinang sabi ni Phili na mukhang nahihiya para sa kaibigan.

Nag-asaran kaming apat at iyon ang ginawa namin hanggang sa mapagod. Pwede na akong makaalis ng ospital bukas kaya maaga akong natulog. Palagi akong nagmamadaling matulog dahil baka pagkagising ko, nandito na si Orion.

I was disappointed to wake up with still no Orion. I smiled sadly at myself and out of instinct, my hand went to my eyes as if ready to wipe tears. But surprisingly, I'm not crying. Naubos na siguro ang mga luha ko sa kakaiyak nitong mga nakaraang araw.

My eyes went to my friends who were sleeping peacefully yet cramped up in one bed.

I heard a light know on the door so I pressed a button beside my bed to unlock it. Tita Viella entered, surprising me.

"London!" Nag-aalalang tawag niya at tumakbo para yakapin ako.

Akala ko hindi na ako iiyak ngayong araw pero dahil sa yakap ni tita Viella, nagsimulang tumulo ang mga luha ko.

I'm not sure if it was because I was longing for my mama or if it's because Tita Viella reminded me of Orion and that hugging her feels like I'm hugging the other person I've been longing for.

"I'm sorry, dear," aniya, naiiyak na rin at pinahiran ang mga luha ko. There was something with the look on her face that shows her disappointment but I don't think it's for me.

Patuloy niya akong inalo at tiniyak na magiging maayos ang lahat. Tuwing may sinasabi siya, naaalala ko si Orion kaya lalo akong umiiyak.

Gusto ko siyang tanungin kung nasaan si Orion pero natatakot ako sa isasagot niya. Natatakot akong marinig na kaya siya nandito dahil wala nang pakialam ang anak niya sa akin.

"Is there something that I can do help you?" She asked while still hugging me and caressing my hair. "Para na rin kitang anak, alam mo ba 'yon? Sabihin mo lang, London, dahil tutulungan kita."

Kinalas ko ang pagkakayakap niya at nginitian siya. "I... uh... just want to forget the pain, tita. I don't think I can survive this... it's too painful..."

Tumahan na ako kanina pero muli akong naiyak.

Kahit ilang araw na akong nag-iisip-iisip, nalilito pa rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako nagkamali at bigla na lang gustong makipaghiwalay ni Orion. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit niya 'to ginagawa.

Malapit na akong mabaliw dahil sa kaiiyak at kaiisip pero wala akong mahanap na sagot.

Hindi ganito ang Orion na nakilala at minahal ko. Hindi siya basta-bastang umaalis ng walang paalam. Hindi niya ako iiwan dahil sinabi niyang mahal niya ako.

Pero bakit ganito? Why did he leave without an explanation? Why did he leave me here questioning about everything and confused? Is this part of his 'I'll do what's best for you even if it means I have to leave'?

"London," tawag ni tita Viella. "I went to Europe last time and a good friend of mine is looking for engineers and architects. You were one of the people I recommended..."

"Will leaving help me forget the pain?" I asked.

She smiled sadly. "I don't know, London. But it's something that you can consider."

Nanatili si tita Viella hanggang sa na-discharge ako. Dumiretso kami ng mga kaibigan sa condo at ipagluluto ko sana sila ngunit anila na huwag dapat muna akong magtrabaho at magpahinga lang.

At dahil ayaw talaga nila akong patulungin, nag-social media na lang ako. I messaged my friends and family but I didn't tell them what happened. I also checked if Orion messaged but to my dismay, there was none.

I felt a pang in my chest so I went to Facebook instead. For a while, I forgot what I was going through by liking everyone's post until I an article caught my attention.

Paulit-ulit kong binasa ang headline ngunit parang hindi ko iyon maintindihan o sadyang ayaw ko lang talagang intindihin.

The Armani Princess Responds to Rumors About Her *Relationship* with the Alvarez Heir — ShowBiz.ae

I clicked the article and the first thing I saw aside from the bold headline was a picture of two people hugging. I zoomed the picture and saw that the 'Alvarez heir' the article was talking about is actually Orion.

The pictures look like they were taken at the airport and all of them were stolen shots. They were pictures that showed the two of them smiling and it looked like two lover reuniting again.

My heart ached at the sight but I still read the article. When I reached the bottom part, I saw other similar articles and most of them were about the "the Armani princess spotted crying in the club after the rumors of the Alvarez heir dating someone started spreading".

"Hey, you okay?" Biglang tanong ni Phili sabay upo sa tabi ko. "You look like you're ready to fight—" bigla siyang napasinghap nang dumapo ang kaniyang tingin sa cellphone ko. "—is that Orion?! What the—"

"What's happening?" Nakangiting tanong ni Andy at tumabi na rin sa akin. "Chil, Phili, chill—" katulad ni Phili, napasinghap din siya nang makita ang binabasa kong article. "—are you kidding me?! Ilang araw ka sa ospital tapos nandito siya at nakikipag—" tumigil siya nang napansin ang mga gulat naming tingin. "—landi... what?"

"You speak Filipino too?" Tanong ni Euxine. Katulad namin, mukhang nagulat din siya sa biglaang pagsalita ni Andy ng Filipino.

"Huh? But look—" she said, trying to divert our attentions by showing us the picture of Orion. "—he's here!" She sighed when she realized that she couldn't divert our attentions. "Fine! I know a little, okay?"

"All these years and you never once mentioned it to us?" Hindi ko alam kung galit ba si Phili o gulat o natutuwa. "Let me guess... may nakalandi kang Pinoy pero—"

"—pero naghiwalay kayo at isa sa mga paraan mo para makalimutan siya ay ang hindi pagsalita ng Filipino," dugtong ko.

Kumunot ang noo ni Andy, mukhang namamangha sa mga hula namin pero agad din namang sumimangot.

"Change topic, please?"

Natawa kami sa pakiusap niya ngunit sa kasamaang palad, iyong kay Orion naman ang naging topiko namin.

Galit ang mga kaibigan sa kaniya ngunit ako naman ay namanhid na. I expected something like this to come especially when he didn't show up.

These pictures and articles just confirmed that it was really him who wrote that breakup letter. Sinuwerte nga lang siya at hindi niya na kailangang ibigay sa akin iyon dahil si miss Tavora na ang gumawa niyon para sa kaniya para ilayo ang atensyon ko sa kung ano man ang ginagawa niya sa opisina ni Orion.

Kaya pala nakipaghiwalay kasi may babalikan na.

Kaya pala hindi na nagpakita kasi may iba ng kasama.

Kaya pala wala na siyang pakialam sa aking kasi masaya na siya.

Kung gusto niyang makipag-break, sana naman sinabihan niya ako. Biglang respeto na lang sana sa pinagsamahan namin. Hindi ko naman siya pipigilan kung gusto niyang umalis. Susuportahan ko naman siya kung saan siya masaya.

I will support him with his happiness even if it means I won't be a part of his life anymore... even if his happiness means breaking my heart.

I want him to be happy to the point that I wouldn't mind experiencing that one thing I've been avoiding ever since: heartbreak.

I just feel so hurt and so disrespected. It feels like he didn't value me nor our relationship at all!

One day he's with me, then the other he breaks up with me through another, and then the next day, he's with another woman.

He couldn't even break up with me properly! He couldn't even visit me at the hospital even just as a boss!

He just... moved one.

It's like we never happened at all.

Pagkatapos maghapunan, nagpaalam na ang mga kaibigan. Gusto nilang makitulog dito ngunit kailangan ko munang mapag-isa. At isa pa, kaya ko naman ang sarili at sobra-sobra na ang naitulong nila.

I lay on the bed, forcing myself to sleep since during times like this, I just prefer to sleep since it helps me forget my problems.

I thought I would forget everything for a while but I ended up. Having nightmares.

I sat on my bed, panting. I then brought my eyes to the space beside, hoping to see Orion ready to comfort me. But then, I remembered that he's with someone else already and that I'm all alone now.

No one would wipe my tears except for myself. No one would assure me that everything would be fine except for myself. No one would hug me when I feel weak since the person who does that for me left.

The nightmares made me feel worse. I couldn't breathe properly, my head's painfully throbbing and my heart was pounding really fast.

It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I want to let all of these out. Maybe by breaking things, venting out, or at least, crying, but I don't feel like doing any of those.

Doing one of those things would mean that I got defeated. It would mean that I should've followed my rules; that I shouldn't have neglected my list for him.

So instead of doing what a normal person would do in my situation, I chose to keep everything to myself. It's better this way since I also wouldn't burden anyone with my problems.

I'll just keep all of these in my heart. And maybe someday, at the right time, I'd be able to let all of these out; to finally accept defeat in this game of love; to accept the fact that I risked my heart for the wrong person... and to accept the fact that I, Lorelle Andionna Farello, the one who made the list on how to avoid heartbreaks, rebelled against my own rules for the person who ended up breaking my heart.