It's not enough to grasp your hat, put it on my head, and take a selfie. You're number 3, but to my emotions, you are number 1. To my relationship you're number 1. To my respect, you are number 1. And to mutual desire, you are number 1. You pass all the tests, and here I am still geeking out over things, digitally.

I tried to keep that from us as much as possible. But...albeit, I couldn't help it, today....your hat is your hat...it's a sign of possessiveness for it to become a trademark of you, so I will be under it for a few seconds....I will wear it, and I will totally rock it.

I even put it on my Facebook.

But that 'cactuar' you have, no. I'm not touching that with a five foot pole, unless it's to impale it beneath the imaginary sharp point of the pole. 

You know why I wear your heat, why I sit next to you so close and watch your screen as your disinterest in homework takes you away 100 times more than my own does: it's because I was in your arms.

I knew what it was like having your heart beat close to mine, aside mine, under mine...I know what its like straddling you and sleeping aside you, my waist hugged so close to yours....I knew what it was like when I was wondering what exactly you liked about me, and you answered perfectly. And it's hard to answer perfectly, because my self-deprecation puts me in a place where perfect answers are never perfect, and I microanalyze every detail. But, my lad, again your replies were perfect, and they soothe my fears as I decide to put your hat on my head picture on facebook. They soothe my fears when I have the utmost desire to make affectionate love to your neck while you play Overwatch in the midst of the dudes, some even my friends, most of them strangers, because I'm on the PC side, in the game lab. 

There's no 'good' thing about you, or with you: everything's great and growing in, say, perfection. I learn something new I like about you each day, and remember I'm normal and you love my normalness. In fact, you're also normal, so you only see the extraordinary in me when you look at me.

So I stayed in the stall for a bit longer, today. A woman had told me I was naturally beautiful, when I had complemented her on her apparent beauty....she said even though I hadn't tried, there it was (and commenced: in-stall standing-lingering, while thinking of it!)...

And then I understood self-deprecation was stupid, didn't matter, and was just a dirty lens....the fact that I'm so aware of my own humanic flaws means that I can only see and aspire for perfect....and that's good enough for anybody, even me.

I don't think I'll ever get around to telling you about that barely period stain I left in your bed, but I'm pretty sure it's not the end of the world for me, and you'll love me just as you did when you found out a whole bunch of human things about me..like...how I should totally shave before we have sex....sorry....

But yes, I'll love you the more I learn....I like your snoring, your timeliness and your cleanliness, but I mean, as your ADHD (or is it?) shows, there's many (more) faults to discover about you...

But...I can't believe you chose me and not her, simply because I chose you, and she didn't fit you and vice versa...

Am I really all that awesome? 

Is my humanness...which you must love, because you say I'm genuine and honest...and the small perfections - quirkiness, awesomeness, stick-outness, shine - all that you need from me to want me forever?

Ugh...You want me now....it should thus last forever....but this is still confusing...

But...I'm staying, and trying, because I at least know what it feels like in your arms, and thinking about what's possible in love is too much of a torturous chore. I won't do that to us unless it's for nice musing....but I...I won't overthink. I don't promise, though.

Because I "just do it".  

I will just think of how it is in your arms.

.

#Thanks for reading. this is totally a thought about where I am right now as a person...in my present relationship.