I have heard someone say that in the spirit world to them we may be the spirit and they are the living. Its possible to me because when i see them standing there like they are watching me i wonder why.
Why are they just standing there?

Why are they always watching me?

Every now and then i see them move. I think about the movie the sixth sense and how the little boy Cole could see dead people. He never even told his mom. The kids at school all thought he was weird so he has no friends.

Kind of like myself. I had a few friends in school but not what you would call best friends. I was always paranoid of people. I went against my better judgement and told them one day about the abuse that i was going through and it was like i asked them for a piece of candy. No offers of help advice or hugs. The conversation just went back to whatever topic it was before. So i knew never to tell anything again. I suffered in silence alone.

I remember at an early age feeling like i was alone in the world. Just like Cole i kept to myself. I felt like a spirit walking amongst the living. The different groups of friends talking and laughing together. The passing of notes in class. The forming of relationships. Talks of parties that i was never invited to. I would just sit at my desk acting like i was so interested in my workbut really i was listening to the people and what was going on around me.

I don't know when my paranoia came in. But when it did it came in like a wrecking ball knocking my life fully off the map.

I noticed when i would get on the bus my heart would stay racing a mile a minute my hands would start sweating and i would feel as though everybody was watching me. It made me nervous. I would take the first seat i could. I did this one day on a different bus and i had to sit with the small kids on the way to school. I got laughed at for that one.
Now when I go to stores the same thing will happen. I have say in my car for hours glued to my seat covered in fear of the store and the people in it.

Am i the spirit that's stuck between the world of the living and the dead? I don't know where i belong. I feel like a lost soul. I mean i do the basics bathe eat etc. But I don't really feel as though I'm living just merely existing. I want to go out and have fun but fear grips me so tight i can not leave the safety of my house. So I'm left to myself to play games on my phone,read books, watch movies anything to escape what's going on outside of my house.

Ive been in rehab and I've been to the mental hospital. In fine when i first get there but after awhile i become withdrawn and want to go back to safety of my room. There's only so much my mind and body can take.
I think i have become content to juststay in my room and sleep. My room is like a shield against the outside world. No one there to harm me. No one there to look at me with their eyes that hold " the look". Just me alone. Well alone now besides when i could hear the voices.

I wonder will i ever truly find my rightful place. Am i in the right world. Will i break the chains of fear and self doubt from my life and start living and not merely just existing. Able to start enjoying life and all it has to offer.