Not having a great day. My thoughts are running all over the place. Im fighting hard to stop them. Today its nice out. The furthest I've come close to actually going all the way outside is standing in my door and looking outside. I takemy medicines like I'm supposed too but i still don't feel right. Im always exhausted all day. Day after day after day i just have enough energy to sleep. I'm not kidding! A normal day for me is simple let me explain
Morning eat breakfast. take meds. sleep. An hour or more later i get up go to the bathroom and may eat something or lay back down. Play game on phone for a little bit when there goes time for another nap can barely keep my eyes open. I sleep for over an hour or two. I wake up off it was a nightmare and smoke a cigerette to calm my nerves or if it was ok i get up and open the front door and take a look around outside and watch the cars go by. I close the door and contemplate doing something simple as sweep the floors. Already im torn between doing it and another voice says lets just go back to bed. I do so after a little sweeping. This time i sleep for over three hours. Then if it's after 430 pm if i got to get my brother from work i wash my face and brush my teeth comb my hair and get dressed to go pick him up. If he wants to go to a store or something we ride to those places sometimes i get out with him. We go home and im feeling drained again i go back to sleep. I sleep sometimes to 9pm. So i go to the bathroom wash up and fix a sandwhich to eat so i can take my medicine again. Then i sleep till the next morning and start my day All over again.
I want to die. My thoughts go from driving my truck over a cliff, slice my wrists, walk out in front a vehicle that's moving fast so they don't have time to stop when they see me ortaking a bunch of pills.
I don't know where these thoughts come from. They are just so random and foreign in my head.
I want to get high so i can just forget everything but even that is temporary. Im left alone to cry fired with regret and remorse for what i have done.
I think about and debate about going to the mental hospital again. I just want to get back to my old self again. The old me who didn't seem to have these problems. Theold me that used to do simple things as cook and clean up or just sit outside to enjoy the day. The person i am now is a dark gloomy shadow of will i used to be.
I'm a stranger to myself. I try to look back and see what happened to me. Where did i start to change for the person i am now? When did i start crying all the time? What happened to me? How do i get back to who i was before? Somebody help me. I don't like this person i have become fill of self pity pain sadness and regrets.