Im falling sinking farther into the darkness. I dont see even a glimpse of light shining through. Some random days i feel as though i am on top of the world and full of sunshine and happiness. Other days feel like its always night filled witb nothing but darkness.
Some people have nightmares when they sleep but not me, i have nightmares while im woke. I see dark shadows sometimes just standing still and sometimes i see shadows walking away from me into another room. I freeze up gripped in fear. I wonder if they are the voices i hear.
Yes i hear voices too. The one that always talks is a female and the one that always laughs is A man. It's scary because how can i get rid of something that's inside of me.
An angel comes and asks my story. "Tell me luv what's wrong. Trust me i won't hurt you" he says. I decide to tell him. He gives me his advice and opinion. "You have to fight and pray those bad things away. When you feel happy keep on praying anyway. Leave the drugs alone because that's what they want you to do because they are keeping them alive."
I am always filled with pain sadness and suicidal thoughts. They mix together like a tornado spinning in my head. I often wish for something to happen that i would get amnesia so i can forget all the bad memories and start my life over again. The drugs bring me temporary peace silence and happiness. But when they wear off im more broken and depressed than before. So that i want to get more drugs to get away from the pain once more.
When im with him he just listens to me vent. Lets me soak his shirt with my tears. He holds me in his arms and rubs my back. The voice is silent when im with him like his aura of positivity and love silences it or its scared of his light and doesnt dare speak.
I feel better with him. I wish i could be with him everyday all the time but thats just not possible. He says i can do this. I have to fully let go. So that i can become the person i was again because she's still in me trying to come out and when she does i will be a better and stronger woman full of life because i would have fought through the darkness into the light.
He looks like A God that you read about in books but have rarely seen. His skin tone is a smooth dark chocolate. He is so toned and muscular like he was brought in this world to fight for me. His eyes full of mystery are so clear and dark brown that they just hold you captive when you look into them. He is so handsome with a smile that seems to set your soul on fire with desire. He seems to be at least 6'3 tall. A perfect height to be my protector my shield. No sex because thats not what i need. What i need is love support and attention.
"Look at me" He says. As i look up at him with tears running down my face he places his hands on both sides of my face and wipes my tears with his thumb. He smiles and shows perfect white teeth and says while looking into my eyes" You are so beautiful. I love you so much. Dont worry and beat yourself up about your mistakes for none of us are perfect. You must dig deep within and let go. Let go of what makes you fall into the darkness. Let go of your fears and fight. I am here now and i will fight with you. Trust me to help you on this road."
He gives me a kiss so soft on my forehead and wraps me into a big hug.
These are the memories that i cherish and have to think of on days when i don't have the strength to get out of bed.
God i pray that you give me the strength and courage to let go, to trust more , and to love myself again. Forgive me of all my sins. Help me to let go.Remove these demons from my life. In Jesus name i pray Amen.