***** i must warn you that this chapter my be very disturbing to you. It contains abuse of an child age 5 to 8 years old. If you don't want to read it please skip to the next chapter. I wanted to share this with you so you can get a better understanding of me and what i have had to go through in my life. Again it is very graphic. I almost cried while typing this.******
*****you have be warned. Story starts here****

I remember this day like it just happened yesterday. At times i cry from the memory.

Come here for a minute. She says too sweetly calling me into the bedroom. I walk in slowly getting an uneasy feeling in my stomach. When i finally come into the room she locks the door behind me. Strange i remember thinking. What does she want to talk about that she has to lock the door i think to myself.

Lay down on the bed. I don't question it and lay down on the bed. Cover your face with this blanket she says in a whisper. I don't like this. The blanket is thin with holes all in it. It has a funny smell that i don't want to think what it is. It smells like a cross between old pee and stinky feet. But i lay down and cover my face anyway with the stinky and raggedy blanket .

She gets on the bed and lifts the cover to my stomach. She takes off my pants with my panties. My heart is racing. I'm scared and want to get up. I try to get up. Lay down she says quickly in a whisper as she puts her hand on my stomach to hold me in place. I cry silently. I can see a little through a hole in the blanket. I can see her pick up something and its an ink Pen. I'm wondering what's she going to do with that. Write on me? How i wish that day that she did. I would let my body be a page in a book filled with words versus what she did next.

She stuck that ink Pen in my private part!! It hurt and i started to cry. Shh she says quickly. I still cry silently. Then i feel a burning sensation that hurt really bad down there. It feels like she is licking me with her finger and let me tell you IT HURT! Years later and i can still recall that day and that pain. After she is done causing me pain and torture she tells me to get up. Don't tell anybody what i just did she says. That scared me and i don't know why. Maybe it was the way she looked at me and the way she said it.

I go to the bathroom and cry. There's blood coming from down there. I have never saw that before. I'm scared. what has she done to my body? I take a hot bath and cry until i can cry no more and the water has turned cold.

I come out and she had unlocked the door. I want to ask her what did she do to me and why but i don't. I just go sit outside and tell my kitten friends what happened.

Another day after this happened. I was playing outside with my brother on our bikes. We rode to the back of our house where an old man lives who just moved in. We have seen him talking to our mom a few times and i saw that he also had cats. I wanted to see the cats and play with them.Maybe they could be my fur friends.

I got off my bike and ran to go play with the kittens and cats. My brother kept riding his bike back and forth in the front yard. While on the neighbor's porch playing with the cats the he came out. He startled me because i didn't notice that his door was open. He laughed at me and told me the names of the cats.I smiled and listened to him talk. He asked me to come inside that he had candy i could have. I like candy. So i quickly went in behind him. He gave me the candy and he watched me smiling while i ate it. I thanked him and told him i had to get home before my mommy called me.
He said ok and to come back one day he would have some more candy for me.

One Easter day, when i went to see the cats he said he had a surprise for me. I said ok. Hoping it was the candy that he said he would have I went in his house and he said it was in his room. He gave me a chocolate covered bunny and some different chocolate candy. He told me to sit on the bed and eat it. I sat on the bed struggling to open the chocolate bunny and he stood in front of me watching me. He leans down and says let me help you open it. He tears it open for me. I take a bite and its yummy.

I look up at him smiling and tell him thank you. He just smiles. After awhile he comes closer to me and rubs my hair. Strange and i want to tell him to stop but before i do he removes his hand. When i look up at him hes still smiling. Then he looks outside at my brother riding his bike. I don't know why he leans down but i guess he leaned too far and he falls onto me.

Uggh i grunt and try to get him off of me. Hes squishing my bunny that i still had in my hands. That makes me want to cry so i pout. He laughs in my ear. I can smell his cologne now it's so strong. I dont like it cause it smells funny. I want him to get up cause it don't seem like he's trying very hard to get up. I look at his face and he still is laughing. His face is covered in deep wrinkles. His eyes are gray with red where most people's eyes are white. He is bald with a few stands of gray hair on his head. There's way more gray hairs than black ones.

I struggle to move and he puts all of his weight on me. I feel his hands grabbing and rubbing all over my body. I'm scared and about to cry. Shhh he says. I immediately think back to when she done this to me and i lay still as tears run down my face. His hands go into my shorts and i almost cry out from the pain. He stops.

Then i see him unfastening his pants. I squeeze my eyes closed tight wishing to be anywhere but here. It never worked because the next thing i felt was pain way worse then when she touched me. I cry and try to scoot back away from him. Big mistake because that seemed to make room on the bed for him to get on it all the way .

He rubbed me all over my arms legs and booty. He kissed me in my mouth and i wanted to vomit. While he was still on me He leans up enough to unfasten his clothes. Then he says shhh. He moves my shorts to the side and i immediately feel pain down there. It was like being burned by a very hot fire. The pain was way worse than when she did it. I sob silently as i look at the ceiling waiting for him to get done. He gets up and tells me i can get up now. I get up and fix my clothes and i drop the candy on the floor as i run out of the house slamming the screen door behind me. I didn't think about my bike i just ran up the driveway to my house.

My mom is standing on the porch waiting on me. She asks me where i was and i said at the neighbors house. She looked funny and asked me did he hug me and i said he did and gave me some candy. She must smell the cologne on me because it is still strong to my nose. She let me go in the house and when i glance back i could see her still looking funny at me and she turns and looks towards the neighbors house. I go on in the house.

I cant stand the smell of his cologne on me. I feel dirty and I'm very sore. I quickly go take a long hot bath and cry as i see the water turning red again like before except more. I scrub my body raw trying to get the smell of him off of me. I cry and cry. I scream into my bath towel as the water turns cold.  I didn't go back to his house again unless my mother was there and even then i was scared. I heard him telling my mother how i don't come over like i used to.that i used to come all the time to play with the cats. She doesn't say anything just smiles at him.

Years later***

One day in class we got a sub because the teacher was out. It was a man. He seemed nice. I sat in the front right in front of the teachers desk. I was getting bored and sleepy from doing all the addition problems so i kind of scooted down in my seat. My back was almost where my behind was supposed to be. I was comfortable so i kept working.

It felt like someone was watching me so i slowly looked up and the sub was looking at me with this funny expression on his face and he was smiling. I thought he was going to tell me to sit up but he didn't. So i went back to doing my work. It still felt like he was still looking at me and when i looked up again that's exactly what he was doing, looking at me with the same smile and expression on his face. I thought maybe he wanted me to sit up and didn't want to be a mean sub and tell me to sit up. So i sat back up in my desk and continued to do the rest of the problems.

Every now and then i would look up and he would still be looking at me but i would hurry up and look back down. It was just weird to me. The same look they had in their eyes is the same look in his eyes and i didn't like it. But at least i wasnt by myself in the room so maybe he couldn't touch me.

The bell rang signaling class was over and we could go to our next class. I quickly got my stuff and almost ran out of the room away from the sub and his creepy face. I stopped to go to the restroom before i went to my next class. After i was done using the restroom i pulled my panties up. That's when i could've just passed out!! Something that i didn't notice that morning when i put my clothes on. There like an ugly stain was a big hole in the seat of my pants!!!! The whole time i sat in the classroom in front of the sub he was looking at me because he could see my panties!!!

Was that the reason why he was looking at me like he was? Why didn't he tell me to sit up if he could see my panties? I wanted to cry. Why do these bad things happen to me.

From then on i walked with my head down to avoid looking into people's eyes. Scared to see the look that may be in their eyes. Its a look that makes my heart race and my body shake with fear. I don't care if people talk to me up close i will look anywhere on their face but their eyes. I don't want to see it. I dont want to see the look. Men and women have the look and I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT! I dont!!!

I wish i had the strength to speak up and tell somebody what was done to me. My precious jewel meant for my husband on our wedding night was taken from me. Teach your kids neices anybody how to speak up and tell if someone is touching them.

5 years old may seem too young but i wish somebody would've told me the advice when i was 5 so maybe my jewel wouldn't have been taken from me. Its not the strangers on the street you have to watch out for its the strangers in your home that are supposed to love and care for you that can hurt you. Or the friendly neighbor that seems oh so sweet. Those are the ones you have to watch out for.

Forgive me if it seems like i have trust issues but how can i not when the very people that were supposed to love me hurt me....