"So, how have you been feeling since our last visit?" My doctor asked while spinning his chair around to face me.
He had been looking over past notes for a long while before asking me this question. My symptoms hadn't gotten any better and my mouth had been dry the entire time I was taking the new medication he had prescribed; I also had many more sleep paralysis incidents then I had the previous months. I relayed this to him and he frowned before typing on his computer for a while longer. He looked focused. I tapped my feet against the floor with anticipation. The doctor's office always made me nervous and his unhappy demeanor wasn't helping. He eventually looked up from his computer and spoke, "Usually one of the standard medications I prescribed you would have solved your problems by now or made them more manageable so I'm thinking about giving you this less commonly used antipsychotic. You know the drill, you're going to come back in a month and we'll go from there. You can also maybe say come back sooner if you are experiencing any side effects." The doctor ended his speech with an exasperated sigh like he was getting tired of seeing me and going through this same lecture with the same person and went back to his computer.
I walked out of the doctor's office with another pamphlet on stabilizing my anxiety and walked to the nearby pharmacy to get my prescription. The sky was gray like it was going to rain soon, so I walked briskly as to not get caught in the storm.When I got there the medication wasn't in yet so they told me to wait in the lobby for a while until they got it, and that it wouldn't be too long. I sat in the chair anxiously tapping my feet, wishing I could go back home instead of being in this bright, overwhelming place. My breathing felt cold like I was chewing on a very minty gum. I had the strong urge to stand up and pace around the room. I didn't give in and looked down at my phone to drown my feelings of anxiety out with senseless scrolling through reels. Even with the distraction I could still feel my heart beating faster and faster. My hands started to shake and my breathing quickened but I was able to close my eyes and calm my breathing before I had a meltdown in the pharmacy and embarrassed myself in public again. Maybe it was the anticipation of taking a new medication but today I felt especially on edge and I felt my sanity and composure begin to melt away.
I looked up because it seemed like the people walking around the pharmacy were glancing at me and then looking away as soon as I looked at them. I looked back down at my phone again but as soon as I did I could feel their judging gazes on me. Every time I looked back up the people weren't looking at me even though I felt their gazes which started to agitate me. What could they possibly see in me that would make them want to stare? Did I look sick? I knew I hadn't slept well recently and maybe they thought I looked ill. Maybe- "Jason." A woman said my name breaking me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see the pharmacist with a white bag. "Take one of these pills every night before you go to bed, and do not take any other medication with this." She also rattled off a large list of possible side effects but I was more focused on leaving the place.
I left the pharmacy with the bag in my hand and walked home with no incidents. As I shut the door and locked it my cat greeted me, rubbing against my leg and trying to lead me to his food bowl. I filled his bowl and changed its water before going to my couch and sitting down. My apartment consisted of two bedrooms, and a living area with a kitchen combined to it. One of the rooms contained my bed while the other was where I kept my computer and all of the cat things. I tend to spoil my cat, hence having almost a whole room for it even though most of the time it sleeps in my bed. Sometimes my cat is the only thing that keeps me connected to reality.
As night came around I grew more anxious to take the medication and avoided looking at the pill bottle which was sitting on the counter, like it was some sort of cursed effigy. Around midnight I started to feel tired and decided it was time to try to go to bed, so I walked over to the bottle and dropped one of the little blue capsules into my hand. I grabbed my cup of water and put the capsule on my tongue before washing it down and heading to my bedroom to try and sleep.
I tossed and turned in my bed restlessly for a long while, as I was still anticipating the possible side effects that the medication could have on me. My anxiety festered in me making my mind race and gave me the urge to move around. This made sleep hard, so I gave up and started scrolling through my phone to pass the time. My mind wandered as I was scrolling through different social media platforms and watching videos. I was reminded of old memories from a time before when I hadn't had all of the issues that constantly plague my mind. There was a time in the past where I was normal and not constantly paranoid, but that time was over after the incident that took everything I had right out from under my nose. I started to feel drowsy and the room started spinning so I put my phone down and closed my eyes. The motion went away when I closed my eyes and sleep overcame me.