My legs snapped together and I squared my shoulders. Taking a deep breath, I bowed a 90 degree angle, my lunch tray held out in front of me like it was an offering. 

In the crowded cafeteria of Pambrooke High, I barked out in a tone not unlike a young soldier speaking to his superior - "I'm sorry!"

Silence. I risked a glance up. Leila had half a ham sandwich in her mouth and was staring at me with wide eyes. Roxy's face was unreadable, her arms crossed. The self-proclaimed goth chick of the school was the first to break the silence as she drawled out - 

"Well if it isn't Miss Lone Ranger crawling back to us on all fours."

Leila shushed her with a gentle wave of the hand, before quickly taking my lunch tray and placing it on their table. She grasped both of my hands warmly in hers and beamed, eyes shining. 

"You don't have to apologize," Leila said gently. "We know you had your reasons, and we're just glad that you're back with us now."

Roxy snorted. "Yea whatever." But I don't miss her moving away her bag to make a space for me.

I feel my heart wrench a little as I sat down. Staring first at Leila's bright, happy smile - she'd always had that one crooked teeth in the upper row - and then at Roxy's seemingly uncaring expression, yet I knew what I'd done had upset her greatly; the first thought that came into my mind was - 

Friends aren't a weakness. They might be to Jasper, but they were a source of strength for me. And if Jasper was going to come for them with all that he had, then I was going to defend them with all I could give.

Leila bit the end of a french fry. "So what happened? Why did you and Emrys - run out of our sleepover and never came back?"

Furtively I looked around. At the other side of the cafe Brandy Simmons sat with her usual cohort. Today she was wearing a pale yellow crop top and flared jeans, which hid her ankle tattoo just. Swallowing, I looked at both Leila and Roxy and started off by saying,

"This is going to sound unbelievable, but bear with me."

For 20 minutes, I outlined the entire story for them in broad strokes. I didn't go into details and chose to drop Kaylan out of the story; instead, I merely said that I was not who I was, and that I had been sent here as an undercover agent to find something important. I told them that I was close to my objective, but Jasper was an enemy determined to stop me, and that he had the power and influence to do so - one of which, was forcing me to be his fiancée so he could keep an eye over me. Emrys, I lied, was a pawn Jasper used in the game, and when I found out that Jasper was intent on using my friends to hurt me, I decided not to give him the chance, and that was why I had been avoiding everyone. After a second of hesitation, I decided not to reveal the truth about Damian - it was more for Damian's sake than anything, because I was pretty sure Roxy would blow up if she found out that her - ugh - boyfriend was not who he was pretending to be.

If there was one thing I'd learned about Roxy, was how much she despised lies. And men. So her dating Damian was a giant step of trust, and I didn't want to break that. Damian can handle it himself when it's time. Muahahahhaha. 

As the story progressed, Leila's jaw dropped further and further. Roxy remained as impassive as usual, but I fancied her eyes were boggling slightly out of their sockets. When I had finally finished the story, ending it with my current mission to destroy Jasper, Leila exploded,

"I can't believe my best friend is an undercover badass spy! Holy - " And she swore.

"Leila!"

"This is so freaking fantastic! And it explains everything - not to be offensive, Hayley, but really? Not even hearing of the Minions or eating an apple pie? That's ridiculous - but if you'd been tucked away from society all this time then it makes all the sense!"

With her usual brusqueness, Roxy said, "Why are you telling us this now?"

"Because I feel like I owe it to you two. I - you guys are the first real friends I made here, and that means so much to me. I don't know how things will turn out, but I need you guys to know that I'm really grateful for all the times you've had my back."

Leila frowned. "Wait - what do you mean how things will turn out?"

"Jasper, he's planning something. I have a feeling it's going to be the endgame soon, and I'm going to have to play it to see it through. I'm sorry, but there is really no way I'm going to drag you guys into that; it's too dangerous, you have to understand. And you know, just in case - "

I trailed off. Just in case I don't make it. Just in case there isn't a happy ending.

"Bullshit," Leila declared. 

"That's two in a day," Roxy muttered. "What a record."

"It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine," Leila said impassionately. "You'll defeat that absolute son of a - a biscuit, and you're going to rise and win, because that's what you do, Hayley. And you'll keep doing it, and we have faith in you."

Leila glanced at Roxy. "We might not be able to help you in terms of - well, the kicking ass part, but you're right about us having your back. You can count on it."

Leila raised her fist, and not taking her eyes off me, Roxy bumped it with a fist of her own. 

It was like a huge load had been lifted off my chest. Deceptions were heavy, I realized, they lied on your heart like a burden, especially when it was deceptions to people you cared for.

"So what are you going to do now?" Roxy asked.

I stared at Brandy, laughing like a normal teenager on the other side of the cafe. "Well. I'm thinking of having a conversation with someone."

|*|

Within five minutes I discovered just how hard it was to talk to Brandy Simmons.

First of all, she was not an entirely pleasant character to converse with in the first place, and the potential content of our conversation would, I was sure, turn the conversation even sour. Secondly, being the reigning queen bee of the school, she seemed always to move in a adoring gathering of followers, and that, coupled with the constant gossiping and like, totally, oh my god, he did not just - that kept gushing from their mouths; it all reminded me of only one thing.

A gaggle of geese. A very loud, gaggle of geese.

The one time I did managed to catch her attention, she barely flickered me a glance before both her minions - the same two who had dropped my necklace into the pool - elbowed me out of the way while saying something that pretty much ran along the lines of how dare you, peasant!

So there I was, standing helplessly by the lockers and wondering how on God's most blessed Earth was I supposed to hold a private conversation with Brandy Simmons, potential Black and Tan gang member. At the same time, staring at her sashaying hips and giddy flips of her long, blonde hair, part of me couldn't help laughing at the idea that - she? A highly skilled hacker and enemy of my family? The whole thing seemed ludicrous. 

And yet if Emrys could hide his true self so well, yet still could our queen bee. Now that I think of it, she'd always had it in for me since the beginning. Was that just another part of her facade - or did she already figured me out from the start?

Just as the bell rang for class, Damian skidded to a stop beside me and shoved his phone in my face.

"He texted me! The hacker! Cognac guy!"

I went into alert at once. Dragging Damian to a secluded spot in the hallway, I asked him sharply, 

"How? I thought your phone was locked."

"Last evening he unlocked it. Everything inside seems untouched, but I'm pretty sure he's gone through my stuff. Look, here's what he sent me."

https://youtu.be/jqq9gfvMzUs

I frowned. "Wait. That doesn't make sense. Thomas betrayed us to help them - at least, that's how the story goes. They should be grateful for him."

"That's what I thought so too. Keep reading."

https://youtu.be/15icg7W4UpY

I stared at the message. After awhile, I said, "He's bluffing. He knows Thomas is helping us and so he's trying to put us off."

"That's what I was inclined to think so too, at first. But Hayley, I checked. And this cognac dude wasn't lying." Damian's voice grew urgent. "Black and Tan did hit a slump about a month after we did, and the police records show that a lot of cases were filed against them at that time. Pretty high-profile cases, accusing them of laundering, embezzlement, cyber-crime, even manslaughter. The only reason they got away with most of them was because of Keegan Hood."

"So they didn't suffer as bad we did," I snapped. "We lost lives that day."

"Black and Tan thrives on reputation. And cyber-crime is an expensive business. The entire business with the police caused a long-term damage on their image that, to be honest, they haven't quite recovered from. In terms of profits they lost millions and millions of dollars, which led to a lot of internal wrangling. They might not have lost lives, but the entire structure of their organization went through an upset."

"Well it all ties together, doesn't it?" My voice started to grow excited. "Thomas never meant to betray us, the fact that the police came after Black and Tan showed that. Jasper was the one who set up the ambush - what a smart move, to destroy the top guns in one fell swoop. Once Blackcroft is aware of this, that man's career is over, I guarantee you - "

But Damian was not sharing my enthusiasm. His tone was hesitant as he said, "But Hayley, why would Thomas go to the police? That action goes against everything we've been taught. If he truly wanted to help Blackcroft, wouldn't he have brought the evidence to us? Anything involving the police is such a risk."

"And," Damian continued, "why didn't he come to us immediately after his 'death'? When he called me, Thomas told me that Jasper was the person who set the whole ambush up then blamed him for it. Which means Thomas probably has the proof of it. So why didn't he come to us immediately? With one hand holding proof against Jasper, and the other holding precious Black and Tan secrets, he would have instantly be believed, and celebrated as a hero. So why didn't he?"

My mind whirled. Again, I felt that a surge of mixed feelings rising in my breast. Four years ago, Thomas had been the only certainty in my life. Now, everything about him seemed to be hidden under layers of lies.

Everything gives rise to doubts about Thomas' authencity.

"I don't know," I said.

Damian was giving me a look that almost bordered on pity. "Hayley," he started, then he stopped.

"Just say it."

There was silence for a minute. The hallway around us was almost empty now, and we were both pretty much late for class.

At last, Damian said, "I don't want you to be too hopeful, Hayley. My brother ... at the moment he seems like he could be our savior. Back in Blackcroft, Thomas had always been the only one that came even slightly close to being Jasper's equal, and the fact that up until now he's survived without Jasper knowing - I think this pretty much establishes him as the only person that can take Jasper down. 

"But at the same time, he's an unknown factor. And when we're face with the unknown - "

"Two steps back and one step forth."

"Yes. And the one step forth - well, if it really comes down to it, that Thomas isn't as genuine as we thought, that he really has some secret agenda of this own, then - " Damian stopped again. "Hayley, we might have to - "

"I know." I didn't want him to finish that sentence.

Sometimes, I wonder why life can be so cruel. Why give me back Thomas if it all means that he might be taken away again? 

"We should get to class," Damian murmured. "Hayley?"

Vaguely, I felt Damian tugging at my sleeve. My feet followed as if in a daze. After a while however, I stopped.

Damian turned back. "Hayley?"

I looked at him. Looked at those eyes that reminded me so much of Thomas. Back at Blackcroft, I remembered how much I disliked Damian. Even before everything changed in my life four years ago, I'd always seen Damian as the shadow of his brother, and I was pretty sure that was what the rest of Blackcroft thought too. When Thomas disappeared, that dislike for him grew almost to hate, because now that he was freed of his brother, Damian took the opportunity to be nastier, to snatch at things that were previously out of his reach. But most of all I hated him because whenever I saw him I had no choice but to see Thomas, because they looked so alike even though I knew they weren't the same.

Sometimes I wonder if Damian wasn't as trapped as I was. In an environment like Blackcroft, how could you not be vile and mean and selfish, when all that you owned were things you had to fight tooth and claw for, and your enemies were of your own blood? Out here in Pambrooke High, didn't Damian seem almost human; in the cafeteria, hadn't I seen how he had laughed together with Roxy, showing himself capable of an emotion that wasn't on the negative end of the spectrum?

"Hayley?" Damian asked again.

"You're not your brother, Damian." I watched him balked at the sudden statement, watched his eyes narrow and the beginnings of a snarl form at his lips. "But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I think it's time to leave him behind, and forge something of your own. You can't - you can't let Thomas keep haunting you. Just like I can't let him keep haunting me either."

"So what are you saying?"

I felt my heart drum in my chest. I loved Thomas. I think I always will. But I had different people to protect now.

With steel in my eyes, I said, "If it comes down to it, I think I can pull the trigger. If I have to. Can you?"

I could tell from his startled blue-green eyes that he hadn't been expecting that response. I went on.

"You were right when you said this world has made me soft. But I can be hard for the people I love." I winced. "Actually, that last sentence - "

Damian laughed. 

Sometimes, his laugh sounds like Thomas' too. 

"I get what you mean." Something like a spark came into Damian's eyes, a confident glint I hadn't quite seen before. "Whatever it takes, am I right?"

I nodded. "Whatever it takes."

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

there's nothing as great as finding back your groove

as we trod on steadily to the ending, here's some questions to ponder about :

1) who exactly is cognac?

2) who exactly is brandy?

3) is thomas even really alive?

4) do you have any questions to ask me?

5) do you think it'll be believable if nobody dies at the end of the story?

aight, till next time ~