On Monday, Louis felt weird for the very first time again since his life has changed. Sitting in his usual seat, his leg was wobbling nervously while he tried to distract his nerves. It was the first time he would see Luke again after their incident at the party and Louis wasn't sure what he was expecting to happen.

It definitely wasn't Àmbar coming in first and sitting down next to him instead of Luke, like usual. When he wanted to ask her about it, she had already faced him and offered him a tight-lipped smile that said everything that needed to be said. Luke had probably asked her to swap places with him today.

Just in time with their professor, Luke rushed into the room with his head down. Louis could feel Àmbar tensing up next to him but Louis could only focus on Luke's hunched figure. Without so much as a word, Luke plopped down in the seat next to Àmbar, keeping his face down. Louis wasn't liking this one bit but he also didn't quite know what else he had wanted to happen. Luke couldn't act as if nothing had happened but did he have to ignore him?

For their whole lecture, Louis kept trying to focus on what the professor was telling them but it was in absolute vain. His mind kept replaying their party incident. The more Louis went over what had happened the more he could see even more clearly that Luke really wasn't to blame fully. Yes, it shouldn't have happened but he wasn't sane. He had been smashed, knackered.

Alcohol is very dangerous was Louis' heaviest thought. It could turn even the nicest people into assholes and make kind-hearted people do stupid things they regret later. Louis could tell that this was what had happened to Luke. Maybe he was completely wrong with this and Luke was to blame but his heart didn't want to believe this. Then again, his heart really wasn't good at objective judgment. His ex-boyfriend was the living proof of that.

When the lecture was finally over, Louis rushed out of the room to get some fresh air to clear his head. He breathed in the cool air and felt it filling his lungs. Exhaling loudly, Louis leaned against the wall by the door and waited, ignoring the feeling this position gave him.

"Louis" Luke breathed out in shock when he came out of the room and was stopped by Louis, who needed this nonsense to end.

"I know your great plan is to avoid me from now on but I won't let that happen. I'm not just an object you can throw away because you didn't get what you wanted from me" Louis tried to stand his ground strongly but he could feel all of this affecting him. Another guy avoiding him triggered him more than he wanted to admit.

"Oh god, Louis. No!" Luke's eyes grew funnily huge. "I'm not avoiding you because you don't ... I avoided you because I feel horrible and didn't dare to face you. I'm ashamed of what happened and couldn't look you in the eye. I'm so sorry for coming at you like that. No one deserves to be forced into a kiss, least of all you".

"Oh, um ..." Louis was speechless and stole a glance at Àmbar leaning at the wall behind them but she only held her hands up, signalling that she would stay out of this one. "I accept your apology, Luke. I know that wasn't really you".

"Maybe not but a part of me really wanted that kiss. Just not like that" Luke confessed guiltily. "And not with that reaction".

"I appreciate your honesty. Really. That's why I have to be honest with you as well. I really like you, Luke. Just not like that and I'm sorry but I'm kind of burned for any romantic feelings at the moment. I'm really glad that we're friends and ... um ... but my reaction really wasn't your fault" Louis admitted to him just as honest as Luke has been. He didn't want to lose him already.

"What do you mean? Of course, it was my fault. I kissed you against your will even though I asked beforehand but then ignored the fact that you didn't answer and looked so uncomfortable. I did ... Harry pushed me away with so much anger and then I saw your face. You looked so shaken. And I saw you outside for a bit. That scaringly looked like a panic attack and I was the trigger. How can you say this wasn't my fault when it clearly was?".

"Because you only triggered memories, that led to this reaction" Louis let him know calmly. "You said it quite right. You were the trigger but nothing more. The situation made me uncomfortable mostly because it felt too familiar in a strange way. Without that feeling, this kiss would have never happened. I would have stopped it and made you sober up but I couldn't. I was frozen in place and Harry saw that. By now, I'm very glad he stepped in although he also made wrong conclusions at first".

"I can see why you like him and not me. He's a great guy and seems to know you pretty good" Luke obviously decided against asking the obvious question and Louis was thankful for that.

"He's a really good friend" Louis agreed with Luke smilingly.

"That's really not what I meant but I guess, he's a good friend as well" a smirk grew on Luke's face.

"I do not like Harry like that. I just told you I'm unable to have romantic feelings for someone for now. Harry is just nice and I like spending time with him. He gets me but Jonah does as well. Even better, I might say" Louis clarified defensively.

"If you say so" Luke shrugged, sounding as if he didn't believe him. "But I'm pretty sure he likes you".

"Urgh, why are we talking about Harry? Weren't we talking about you feeling guilty and being an idiot?" Louis was really unimpressed and felt weird inside at the thought of Harry possibly liking him as more than a friend.

"I still feel guilty and will forever be an idiot" Luke became all serious again, making Louis groan inwardly.

"You always were an idiot and will die an idiot. That's old news, Luke" Àmbar intervened now, probably sensing that enough was enough and it was time to move on.

"A sorry idiot" Luke still had that very sad look on his face.

"You're forgiven, Luke. Just never try to kiss me again" Louis nudged his arm, trying to joke but he cringed at his own words.

"Never again. I really value our friendship, Louis" Luke clarified deadly serious.

"Me too, Luke" Louis smiled at him.

"Come on, guys. Hug it out and move on" Àmbar groaned wirily.

And that's what Louis did. He wrapped his arms around Luke and squeezed strongly, which caused Luke to hug him back. A part of Louis was still tense in this embrace but he knew it wasn't because of Luke but Kyle. But the rest of Louis was finally getting used to normal and harmless hugs from friends. He counted that as a huge success and was proud of himself.

"As touching as you two are, I really have to go. Aria is waiting for me. Girlfriend beats friends, sorry not sorry" Àmbar interjected with an unapologetic grin on her face.

"Just piss off and snog your girlfriend" Louis waved her off. "I have to go as well though. Jonah expects me in a few minutes. Oops".

"Then you better run. See you on Thursday".

As fast as lightning, Louis sprinted home and ran straight towards Jonah's room because Louis knew he wasn't in the studio. For a moment, Louis caught himself glancing at the library door but he shook that instinct off and stopped at Jonah's room door. Knocking shortly, Louis opened the door and stepped inside. "Hi, Joey".

"You're late" Jonah peeked up at him from his lying position on the bed as best as possible with his back on the duvet.

"I know but I really needed to talk to Luke and you know I wanted to do that" Louis took his shoes off and flopped down next to Jonah on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"How did it go?" Jonah checked caring.

"Well, at first he avoided me during our lecture but I stopped him outside and for a moment I felt like I had swapped roles with Kyle" Louis started to tell him truthfully. "Anyway, he apologised and I forgave him. He feels really bad and never meant for this to happen, just like I told you. I tried to take the guilt away but that will probably take some time. I mean, he's into me and almost scared me off, from his point of view. That's difficult to digest".

"I really feel for him. He must be so embarrassed. Even without the kiss, it would be bad enough for me to hide forever. If I would ever come onto N ... No, never. You would never see me again. But I'm glad he apologised. He seems like a good guy" Jonah let his mind run free and Louis only listened closely.

"He really is although he thinks Harry might like me. Even worse, he thought I like Harry but I told him we're only friends. No idea how he came up with that" Louis reported still confused.

"Presumably because Harry stepped in and stayed with you. Protected you. He might misread that as romantic affection. Who knows?!" Jonah pondered the thought logically.

"Since when can friends not protect each other? When I protect you does that mean I'm in love with you? I don't think so" Louis frowned unreasonably. How did that make sense?

"Why do you ask me? I don't understand human feelings. I'm way too overwhelmed by a simple crush. Being in love is a whole other level of scary to me. At least, you've been in love before, no matter the circumstances around that. Do I even make sense right now? I don't think so" Jonah rambled weird stuff and looked so nervous and scared out of the sudden.

"I don't think I was ever really in love with Kyle. Only with the idea of having a boyfriend during that time of my life and he used that for his advantage, which gave him so much power over me at the end of the day and made me ... Wait, a damn minute! Did you just say you have a crush?! Who is it?" Louis realised halfway through this self-discovery and realisation of the shocking truth.

"Um ... no one. I don't have a crush. I never said that" Jonah blushed so hard it was adorable.

"You did and you do! Tell me, Joey. Please" Louis begged nosily and immaturely but he really wanted to know.

"Fuck, fine" Jonah groaned, not being able to resist Louis' big begging eyes and cute pout. "It's Niall".

Louis needed a second to digest that information and only stared blankly at Jonah. "Niall? As in, our Niall? Housekeeper Nina's son Niall? Best friend of Harry? Hungry 24/7 Niall?".

"Yes," Jonah looked very vulnerable right now.

"I'll be honest with you, Joey. I did not expect that but somehow that makes sense and isn't really that much of a surprise. Now that I think about it, it was pretty obvious. How did I not see that before? When we all met at Àmbar's place you didn't want to go at first. You asked me if Niall and the others would be there ... Weirdly enough my first thought was Liam when you mentioned a crush. Don't know why" Louis told him honestly.

"Liam?" Jonah squeaked, bursting into laughter. "He is straight".

"And? You could still like him" Louis shrugged unchanged.

"Well, I don't" Jonah was still laughing at the mere thought.

"Because you like Niall" Louis stated matter-of-factly.

"That I do, Tommy. I really do" Jonah grinned unashamedly. "I just don't know what to do about it. Niall has so much more experience than me and doesn't he have something going on with Sean?".

"No one really knows what that is between them but I'll find it out for you, Joey. And don't stress about the experience. Believe me, that's not a path you wanna go down. It never ends well" Louis took Jonah's hand softly.

"You're the best, Tommy" Jonah threw himself onto Louis.

"I know" Louis giggled into Jonah's neck, pulling him closer.

"I don't think I will be able to survive our next rehearsal or being in a band with Niall for the time being. I'm gonna make a fool out of myself and let you all down when I can't sing on the day of the ...".

"None of that, Joey" Louis silenced him, now face to face. If someone walked in on them this would look so wrong but he didn't care. "You're trying your best and that is simply enough. Focus on the fun part and forget about everything else, okay?".

"I'm not sure if I can" Jonah looked very conflicted.

"Me neither. Singing on a stage terrifies me. Even singing for and with anyone who isn't you scares the living shit out of me but ... I don't know. I like the idea of the band for the time being and it worked, didn't it? We both sang ... more or less. The rehearsals will show if we can pull this off. See it as your chance to spend more time with Niall and find out what this is" Louis caressed Jonah's face soothingly. "I see it as my chance to deepen my friendship with the guys. With Harry mostly".

Jonah eyed his whole face closely for a minute before relaxing and snuggling more into him. "Okay".

At their first rehearsal, the boys were insistent on singing a few of Louis' own songs instead of covering famous artists. At first, Louis wasn't keen on that idea and it took a lot of convincing to even show them his very personal songs but they all seemed to love them, which was so weird for him. No one has ever seen his written words except for Kyle and he had only bashed him for even having these ideas in the first place. So, being complimented now was strange and foreign but it felt good. Maybe playing his songs wasn't the worst idea, after all. If they actually liked them.

"You don't look really convinced. We don't have to take your songs if you don't want to" Harry sat down next to him because Louis was sitting on a chair in the back of the garage while the other boys were discussing which songs they'd want to perform.

"It's not that I don't want to. I just ... It's ... My songs are ... I'm not really ..." Louis was wrestling for the right words but couldn't find them, so he only let out a groan of frustration.

"What is it, Lou?" Harry placed his hand tenderly on Louis' knee.

In shock, Louis stared down at the place where Harry's hand was touching him. Not in a bad way. No, his whole knee was tingling and he felt warm all over. Apparently, Harry had noticed his staring and silence and misread them because he was about to withdraw his hand but Louis stopped him.

"I'm not really used to people liking my songs," Louis told him with a fast-beating heart, placing his own hand on top of Harry's. "I've been writing these for years but no one has ever seen them because I was very insecure when it came to my writing abilities. That was until I showed them to ...".

"It's okay, Lou. You really don't have to tell me if it makes you feel uncomfortable or brings back memories" Harry reassured him when Louis fell silent, unable to say Kyle's name out loud.

"I really appreciate that, Haz. But it's okay. I'm fine" Louis smiled at him but something felt off. Was he really fine?

"Are you really though?" Harry dared to ask hesitantly.

Louis' eyes found Harry's eyes and something about the warmth reflecting in Harry's eyes made him crack. "I'm not sure, to be honest. I feel like I have to be fine by now. That everyone expects me to be fine, to be over it, to be able to handle it but I'm not sure I can if something as harmless as this rehearsal makes me wanna rush back home with Jonah to spew out all of my inner struggles to him until we fall asleep. That's not really normal".

"Who says it isn't? Lou, I don't really know what happened and you really don't need to ever tell me but I can tell it was bad and left scars behind. I noticed one or two things and see that there are many things that trigger you, which just shows that it was really bad. And bad things take time to be processed. They will never be fully forgotten, just easier to deal with. Don't ask too much of yourself, Lou. You're doing a good job. Jonah knows and that's more than enough. You have someone to talk to. No one else needs to know" Harry turned his hand around and entwined their fingers to squeeze them encouragingly.

Louis was so lost in Harry's eyes and his words that to him, it seemed as if time has stopped. "But a part of me wants to tell you. I just don't know if I can ever bring myself to retell my story a second time. Maybe only bits and pieces".

"I feel honoured that you feel like you can trust me with this" Harry tried to cover up his obvious shock at that revelation but he failed miserably. He looked so touched and emotional.

"You've shown me nothing but kindness, acceptance and understanding. Of course, I trust you, Haz" Louis caressed Harry's hand with his thumb. "God, when did this turn so cheesy? My high school self would kill me for this".

"We don't have to tell him about this" Harry giggled cutely.

"Deal" Louis just couldn't seem to ever make fun of Harry, no matter how stupid he was being. "Last year I showed him some songs I've written because I felt like sharing this part of me with my boyfriend. Well, that was a mistake. He hated all of them and wasn't really having any of this. You know, me writing them in the first place and wanting to share them with people someday, maybe. After that incident, I haven't written a single song until I arrived here and found myself again, partly".

With his free hand, Louis was absent-mindedly stroking lightly over his stomach where Kyle had left his opinion of Louis' songwriting that day. Louis knew Harry was watching him and had definitely seen that motion but right now, Louis didn't care one bit. Bravely, Louis looked back up again and right into Harry's eyes, which showed so many emotions. It was hard to tell what he saw.

"Please, never stop writing again. No one should ever silence you. Your songs are truly amazing" Harry gripped his hand a bit tighter and wrapped his other hand around their intertwined hands.

"I won't. Never again. It's my outlet now" Louis put his other hand on top and smiled at Harry, who only smiled back.

"Good. Shall we stop them from banging their heads over stupid arguments or let it happen?" Harry motioned with his head towards their friends but never broke the eye-contact.

"I'm tempted to let them hurt themselves and stay here with you but we really shouldn't do that. Why are we such good people?" Louis started full-on grinning.

"It comes natural to angels like us" Harry laughed happily.

"I'm not an angel but I can accept that you're one" Louis contradicted him playfully but meant it at the same time.

"You are an angel and I will make you see that one day," Harry said determined but still with a smile on his face.

"But not today. Come on. We're here to rehearse" Louis retracted his hands and stood up, his hands still tingling and feeling warm.

"What are you doing, guys? Why can't we choose one song to start with? It isn't that hard of a choice. They're all great" Harry followed Louis and addressed his friends to shut them up.

"Louis, maybe you should choose. They're your songs after all" Liam stopped the bickering immediately.

"Maybe something that fits the occasion" Sean threw in logically.

"Maybe 'Finding Myself'. It's the only song that really deals with the topic of being gay and not being accepted" Louis suggested unsure.

"That's the perfect idea. I say we do exactly that" Harry sided with him directly.

"What a surprise" Niall snickered under his breath.

"I'm with Harry and Louis. It's the best idea I heard so far and it makes sense" Jonah agreed with both of them.

"Also not a surprise".

"Niall, shut up. Let's just try this out, okay?" Liam slapped Niall against the back of his head.

"How are we supposed to part the song? Has someone an idea for that?" Niall looked at all of them expectantly.

"I think I have an idea ...".

1. Liam:

I'm not allowed to let this happen,

Cause they're gonna see it through

I must be attracted to the opposite kind of you

Sometimes I hate myself for being such a cruel liar

Letting you in would be like playing with fire

Pre-Chorus: Niall

Why does something that wrong feels so damn right?

Against my voice of reason I want you to stay tonight

Why does something this wrong feels so fucking right?

Baby, embrace me in your addicting light

Chorus: All

You turned my world upside down, down, down

Oh, those feelings aren't allowed in this town

A voice inside me keeps whispering

"Smile through the storm and you will see the rainbow"

I think I'm finally understanding and ready to let go

Waiting for me is a paradise bay

Cause I'm ultimately on my way to find myself

2. Harry:

I followed you outside into the cold of the night

You told me when it feels right it's gonna be alright

Back in my locked and lonely room

I stare out of the window,

dancing with you in the shadow of the moon

Bridge: Jonah

Why does something that wrong feels so damn right?

Against my voice of reason I want you to stay tonight

Why does something this wrong feels so fucking right?

Baby, embrace me in your blinding light

Chorus: All

You turned my world upside down, down, down

Oh, those feelings aren't allowed in this town

A voice inside me keeps whispering

"Smile through the storm and you will see the rainbow"

I think I'm finally understanding and ready to let go

Waiting for me is a paradise bay

Cause I'm ultimately on my way to find myself

Bridge: Louis

Holy water is supposed to wash me clean

Oh, you don't know where I have already been

Your prayers are supposed to drive my demons out

You're really trying to change from the inside out

But you can not break me

I'm on the edge of being free

Chorus: All

You turned my world upside down, down, down

Oh, those feelings aren't allowed in this town

A voice inside me keeps whispering

"Smile through the storm and you will see the rainbow"

I think I'm finally understanding and ready to let go

Waiting for me is a paradise bay

Cause I'multimately on my way to find myself

"Wow, this was the perfect idea, Tommo. Absolutely amazing" Niall rejoiced pumped with adrenaline after going through the song.

"It really fits all our voices somehow. That's so weird but really amazing. I can't wait to try out more songs" Liam beamed.

"Maybe you can write something yourself as well. If you want to, of course," Louis suggested shyly, being ready to be told off.

"That's a brilliant idea!" Niall exclaimed way too excited. "Like this, we can all contribute something to the performance".

"We can at least try. I've never written anything really" Liam was a lot calmer and more reasonable than Niall.

"Just let it come naturally and don't put too much pressure on yourself" Louis advised him friendly.

"We could write something together, if you want to" Harry whispered into his ear, making him shudder.

"Sure" Louis swallowed heavily.

"How do you even start a song, Tommo? I have no clue. Help me" Niall whined childishly.

Louis only rolled his eyes at his antics and beckoned him to follow him and Niall did just that. They sat down in the back of the garage where he had been with Harry. And why in the freaking world was Harry always on his mind?

"Tell me, tell me, tell me" Niall niggled impatiently.

"The key to a good song is patience," Louis said first simply to take the piss and annoy Niall but it also wasn't wrong. "And a free mind. Or if your mind is full of something write that down".

"Just like that?" Niall blinked at him stunned.

"Yes and no. For the start, just think of something you wanna write about. Anything really. It doesn't have to be super deep or even meaningful. Just personal to you on some level. Don't stress too much about the lyrics making sense or finding good rhymes. This will come with time. Just write from the heart and you can't go wrong, Nialler".

"You make this sound so easy" Niall sounded helpless.

"It can be this easy. Don't expect too much of yourself" Louis tried to encourage him and Harry's words echoed through his head.

"So, I should just write down whatever I'm feeling?" Niall was gnawing on his bottom lip, surprisingly deep in thoughts.

"Yes, no matter what it is you're feeling" Louis watched him closely, wondering what he might be thinking about. "Are you alright, Niall?".

"Yeah. My feelings are just not easy at the moment".

Weirdly enough, Louis wasn't used to Niall being serious because he was always joking around but right now, he looked dejected. He kept glancing up at their friends and Louis was a bit too curious, so he followed Niall's eyes and was met with Sean texting on his phone. "Is it possible that you have feelings for Sean?".

Niall sighed defeated and rubbed his hands all over his face but then he faced Louis and looked oh-so vulnerable. "I really shouldn't but I do, yeah. It kind of started when we hooked up the first time. Well, around that time. And ever since I'm fighting against feeling this way because I know he doesn't feel the same. It was only fun and I was okay with that but then the party happened and ... I really shouldn't have let that happen but I was too drunk to think clearly. Now I only want him even more, which is shit because he likes someone else. I know that".

Louis didn't quite know what to say. This was the first time Niall had ever really opened up to him but all Louis could do was think about Jonah and how much this was gonna hurt him. But Niall was also hurting. This whole situation was a mess.

"I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better but I'm out of my realm. Feelings are not my strength" Louis just needed to say something, anything.

"It's okay, Louis. That you're listening to me is more than enough. I really appreciate it. I'm glad we're friends now" Niall lightly nudged Louis' knee and he didn't wince at the touch this time. "Thanks to you, Jonah is my friend now too and I'm really happy about that. He is amazing. I can't believe I didn't see that before".

"He is really amazing, a great friend and a good person" Louis agreed with him. "And the thing with Sean will solve itself. Maybe Sean will develop feelings for you or maybe you'll find someone else. Someone amazing. You deserve it".

"Thanks, Tommo. The same goes for you. You deserve someone who values and appreciates you for who you are because you are absolutely amazing. And we really need to stop this. It's getting cringy and weird. We're not like that. Louah is cool and not cringy or cheesy" Niall started laughing halfway through his words and Louis couldn't help but laugh along. Niall's laugh was contagious.

"What are you laughing about?" Liam eyed them suspiciously.

"You, what else" Niall countered and walked over to him.

"I really hate you" Liam huffed insulted.

"What did you really talk about?" Jonah took Niall's place on the chair, looking very nosy.

Louis wasn't sure if he should tell Jonah about this and crush his heart but lying also wasn't an option. "Niall's crush. Sorry, Joey".

Immediately, Jonah's whole face fell but he tried to collect himself. "It's fine. I never had much hope to begin with".

"I know but I also know this still hurts anyway. I'm sorry and I'm right here when you need me" Louis grabbed Jonah's hands in support and comfort.

"I know and I love you for that, Tommy".

"I love you too, Joey".

"Guys, come over here. We wanna sing the song again and maybe try out 'Here We Are' or 'Rock Me', alright?" Liam called over to them.

"Let's go, Joey" Louis stood up and took Jonah with him.

"I thought we could try those out because they're fantastic ...".

"Is everything alright?" Harry checked in a quiet whisper, his hand safely but carefully placed on the small of Louis' back.

Automatically, Louis leaned into the touch and blocked out his friends to only focus on Harry. "Yeah, everything's alright".

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So, Niall likes Sean and Jonah likes Niall. What a mess ...