I don't know if you'll ever get to read this, but I wanted to tell you all the things I never got to tell you.

I love you, Ricky. I never got the chance to really show you that. You said it to me when we were in the interrogation room, before I went to county. I didn't know what to say. I was in shock. I was scared. I didn't think you loved me. Well, maybe I did, but I was blind to it. I ignored it because I thought that was the only way I could protect you. Bad things always happen to the people I love, and I was scared to admit to the fact that I did actually love you. I was scared something would happen and I'd lose you.

My time inside has given me a lot of time to think. I realize now, all of the things I did wrong, and all of the times I screwed up. There were so many other paths I could have followed. I chose the easy path and that's why I am where I am right now. If I hadn't chosen to follow that sick bastard back to his fancy mansion, I never would have endured the trauma that I did, and I wouldn't have had the opportunity to learn his trade. I wouldn't have become powerful and I wouldn't have been the reason that he killed so many people. But then I realized that if I didn't follow that path, I never would have met you. And I know this sounds cheesy and dumb, but you were honestly one of the best things that ever happened to me. You made me realize a lot of things about myself that I didn't know or was ignoring. When I'm with you, Ricky, I'm genuinely happy. And I haven't felt that way in years.

I want to apologize for dragging you into my messy life. You didn't deserve to have to go through that shit. I know that's what drove you away. All of the death and the violence. I feel like I brought out the worst in you, and I apologize. I'm so sorry that I let all of this happen. I could tell that when you killed him, it awakened a monster in you. Once that happened, I could see it in you. You weren't the same. That's also how I know now, that you plan to go after Oli. And I'm begging you not to. He's not someone to mess with. He may be out of the life, but he's still dangerous. I love you and I don't want to see anything happen to you.

I want you to go back. I don't want you on the streets again. It's dangerous. I understand why you left, but please Ricky.

I love you.

-Chris

I dropped the piece of paper and wiped the tears from my eyes. I miss him. It's not the same without him. I can't go back. I wish I could, but I can't. Not now.

I looked up at the sky. It was late. The moon was at it's peak. I should sleep. I have to work. I looked at the other unopened envelopes. I tucked them under the mattress and laid down.

I miss him. I wish he was here. I don't want him to be in jail. I just want my life to go back to how it was. I was happy with him. Now, all thats been taken from me. I wish I could go back, I really do. But now that I work for Devin, I can't go back. He'd kill me.

I can't worry about this now. I need to sever all ties. If I don't, it'll just keep bringing up bad memories and making me think too much.

I closed my eyes.

I'll be fine.

~~~~~~~~

I was jolted awake by sharp pain in my stomach. I looked up, seeing Devin standing above me.

"Watcha doin'?"

"I was fucking sleeping." I hissed.

"Well, now you're not." He said, squatting down. "I don't think you have time to sleep. You should be working to make up for last night."

"You got more money than I could actually make you. I don't think me not working for one night is really gonna hurt your pocket."

He slapped me. "Remember what happened the last time you pissed me off?"

I didn't respond.

He stomped on my bad hand. I gasped and tried to pull away, but he pressed down harder. "I'll make sure your hand never fucking works again."

"Stop."

"If you don't start fucking listening to me, you're gonna have a lot more than some nerve damage."

"Fine." I mumbled.

I don't doubt that he'd actually do it. I can't let him damage my hand anymore. I already can barely use it.

He took his foot off of my hand. "Good boy."

I stood up and stared at him. He pushed me up against the wall. "What are you-"

"Shh..." He spoke. "I've decided that I want you to come with me, back to my apartment."

"All of this, about me working, just to change your fucking mind?"

"I'm allowed to do that."

I looked at him.

"Get dressed. Let's go."

He released me. I grabbed a shirt off the ground and pulled it on, along with some shorts.

He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me with him to a car. He shoved me in the back seat and got in next to me.

"Drive." He said.

The guy in the drivers seat started the car.

I sat as far from Devin as I could, as close to the door as possible. I watched as he reached over and pressed the lock button on the door. Yeah, as if I'm gonna jump out of a moving car.

He moved closer to me and placed his hand on my thigh. I pushed his hand off. He put his hand back on my thigh and dug his nails in.

I sighed and let him do it. There's nothing I can do. I can only imagine what's going to happen once we get to his apartment.

I don't want to be around him. I fucking hate him. He's a dick.

He kept his hand on my thigh for the entire car ride. When the car stopped, he pulled me out of the car and led me up to his apartment. He had his hand on my back the entire time we were in the elevator, and once it stopped and the door opened, he shoved me out. I fell to the floor, glancing up at him.

"Get up."

I got to my feet and stared at him. He shoved me back again. I managed to not fall this time.

"Bed." He ordered.

I sighed and walked over to the bed. I sat on the edge and waited for him to say something else.

He stepped over to me and stared down at me.

He grabbed me by my hair and forced me to look up at him. He got in my face. "Remember, your hand is at stake here." He whispered. "You'd be wise to do as I say, if you want to be able to use that hand at all."

I nodded, gritting my teeth. I had to bite my tongue to keep from snapping back.

The fact that I can't completely move my right hand has already impacted my work, and not being able to use it at all would kill me. I have to do what he says. I already need surgery that I can't afford.

He stepped back and looked at me expectantly.

"Undress."

I closed my eyes and let out a long breath. I pulled my clothes off and dropped them on the floor. I stared up at him.

He pushed me back on the bed and pinned me down. I didn't fight him. I let him cuff me to the bed. I can't do anything about it.

He walked away for a moment. I watched him walk across the room to a table and grab something. He came back over to me and leaned down. He grabbed my arm and pulled a needle from his pocket. I could see what was in that needle. He knew I was clean.

"Don't you dare-"

He grabbed my chin. "You know how I keep all of these stupid whores working for me?" He asked. "They're all hooked on something, and in the only one who can give it to them."

I fought against his grip.

"I don't care that you're clean now. I'm gonna get you back on this shit so you have no other choice but to keep coming back."

"You can't!"

He slapped me. "I can. And I will."

"Fuck you." I growled.

He slammed the needle into my arm, filling my veins with the toxin.

I instantly lost my will to fight. I tried so hard to get clean. And now he just fucking ruined it.

I fell back against the bed, staring up at him.

"What did I do to you?" I asked.

"Shut up."

He stood up and unbuttoned his jeans. I stared up at the ceiling, feeling the drug take effect. He climbed on top of me and forced my legs apart.

He reached toward the drawer beside the bed. He pulled out a bottle of lube.

I heard him open the bottle and I felt it on my skin a moment later.

I whimpered softly when I felt him push into me. It hurt. I don't want him to do this. I can't stop him though. I can't even move.

I just laid there as he moved. I felt every thrust of his hips. I wanted him to stop, but I couldn't find it in me to fight him.

It's over. I can't come back from this.

——————

comment any questions/predictions y'all have

~xxLux