You know, it has been how many months and I haven't forgotten about you. Not even once. I thought I could get over you now that you're far away, but I guess I held on. I chose to wait for you even though I know deep inside, what I'm doing only makes me more of an idiot. I chose to remember all the hardships, and instead of forgetting about them, they became my reason to continue chasing you. I keep thinking "What if she actually did like me?" "Should I just give up?" "Why can't I give up on you?" "Am I stupid enough to accept the truth and still fight?" "Was there never a chance?"

So many questions, but not once have I received an answer. I want answers because maybe they would help me move on. But I can't ask. I can't know. Because I'm afraid that I'd get hurt more than I already am. I'm scared that I'd still choose you despite everything. I'm scared of what would happen next after finding out the truth. I'm not even sure if I would actually be happy that I would finally be able to let go.

As much as I would like to blame you and your mixed signals, I can't. Because it's not your fault right? It's all my fault. It was always my fault, am I right? Wrong. If only you told me the truth from the beginning, I wouldn't have gotten close. I would have been able to stop myself from falling for you even more. I would have been able to prevent the heartache and awkwardness that came after finding out the truth. I would have not cried myself to sleep. I would not have bothered you and tried my best to convey my feelings. But, I admit, I am also to blame for a lot of things. I know that there was no chance, still, I gave every ounce of effort that I can offer. I wrote letters even though I shouldn't have. I never admitted my feelings despite the fact that they would have helped me move on. I couldn't. And in the end, look where that got me.

We're both at fault. But, why do feel like I'm the only who made a mistake? Why is it that every time I talk to you, I feel like I'm annoying you? Why is that every time I try to get close, you walk farther away from me? Why is that every time I make an effort, I feel like the distance between us is just growing? Am I supposed to feel this way? Is this a punishment for breaking the hearts of others? If it were, then I guess I deserve it. Despite that, it still hurts.

It hurts to move on, and then realize that I can't. It hurts to keep going forward, then suddenly get pulled back. It hurts to like someone who appreciates my effort, but still can't seem to feel the same way. It hurts to see you happy even though I know that you should be. It hurts to know that you're sad and I can't even do anything about it. It hurts that I still want to get close even though I know it's impossible. It freakin' hurts, you damn idiot. And to make things worse, I still like you despite the pain that I feel. Is this pain a sign that I should just give up? Am I really ready to throw away the two years of waiting? Is it really not worth it like I thought it would be?

Idiot. No, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about myself. I'm talking about the jimin who cried and got his heart shattered, but still chooses to hold on. I'm talking about the jimin who smiles whenever he sees your name, and then immediately feels sad because of the past. I'm talking about the jimin who has the courage to approach you, but deep inside, fears that he'd get hurt again. I'm talking about the jimin who continuously waits for the day that you would tell her you feel the same way. I'm talking about the jimin who likes you so much to the point that he's willing to initiate a conversation, write letters, post pictures, and even tweet things just for you to notice him and love him back. Most of all, I'm talking about the jimin who lost his self while chasing after you. I lost myself. I found myself. And now, I feel like I'm about to lose myself again. I'm about to lose my heart and everything I've tried so hard to keep intact. I couldn't remember how long it has been since i have been thinking about you. 1 year? 2 year? Maybe more. It hurted me to the core when you broke off our friendship for him.

I don't know if it's the challenge, the excuses, the mixed signals, or simply my stupidity. But no matter how hard I try, I can't forget about you. I can't forget about the day we first talked. I can't forget about the day you first said hi to me. The day you first waved at me. The day you avoided me. The day you made me smile until the only feeling I recognize is happiness. The day you made me feel lonely. The day I had my first picture. The day I wrote you a letter. And the day
that I thought everything would end- when you said that you like him.

I don't know what i am even writing now. I'm scared. I'm tired. i can't hang in here. I can't move on. So i am leaving everything behind. Hyejin, i love you. You can tell me I'm obsessed. You can call me stupid. You can hate me all you want. But you can't change the way I feel. And that's what I hate the most. I'm willing to accept criticism, but why am I so against with burying the strong emotions I have for you? If you know the answer, please tell me. It would even be better if you take away these feelings and completely throw them away. I would appreciate it much more if you ignore me rather than replying to my messages. I would appreciate you saying harsh words to me rather than being kind and helpful all the time. It would even be for the best if you tell me to stay away rather than doings that make me stay. Because trust me, I'm exhausted of all this shit

This isn't a love letter because you don't love me, and I'm a coward to leave a painful record of unrequited love, so I should sidestep all the things that scream I love you, and should instead murmur the things I feel I can utter to pacify my raging heart.

My raging heart won't be pacified, however, by anything less than you, all of you, so this is not a love letter because you don't love me, but I'm still writing it because I do, so much so that I can't help it, even though I know I'll overwhelm you, burden you, alienate you with my unconcealed passion.

I don't know what to say anymore because I've already said words that are more than a thousand. Still, words are not enough to tell you how I truly feel. Tired. Painful. Happy. Sad. Annoyed. Angry. Confused. Love. Hate. Those are not the words I'm looking for. What I'm looking for is the word NUMB. I don't want to feel anything for you anymore, but how do I that? If you know how, tell me. So that I can finally cut the strings that connect my heart and soul to you-a bottomless, dark, and scary hole that wishes to suck what's left of my broken self.

Goodbye, my lovely. I can't hold back any longer, struggling not to fall over the brink of the maddening turmoil, the furious storm that rages inside me. When I'm near you I fight to remain calm and controlled in a sea of unraveling feeling that I can no longer safely navigate, and it's tearing me apart, the sight of you breaks me, because you don't suffer, you don't know, you don't love me.

Goodbye, sweetheart. I ache to hold you, touch you, caress your face, your shiny hair, so much so that I have to cross my arms over my chest, sit in my hands when you're near, anything that will keep me from reaching out to a soul that is not mine. I dream about kissing you while you obliviously chatter on, and I watch your lips move and can almost feel them on mine, and I'm left so wanting when you place a kiss on my cheek to leave that I just can stand it any longer, and I'm the one who needs to leave, unkissed by your lips, unseen by your heart.

Goodbye, darling. I'm pained, depleted, exhausted, haunted by this unreturned love, by the thought of you with another, by the certainty that you can't be mine. I can't write you a love letter, I just need to write you goodbye. This can't be a love letter, because you don't love me.

Earlier you owned my heart with your smile and now you own it, it's inside you. Please take care of yourself for me. Can you do me one last favour? Love your child with all your heart and please visit me sometimes. Can you name your child jimin? So that i will still be there in your life even after going away? I know it's probably too much. Don't worry, you don't have to do it.

Goodbye, my love.

- P. Jimin