Origional^

Lance [Spoken]:

September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary: I believe I'm a good person.

Ya know, I think there's good in everyone, but here we are first day of senior year.

I look around at all these Students I've known all my life and I ask myself: What happened?

Students:

Freak! Slut! Burnout! Bug-eyes! Poser! Lard-ass!

Lance:

We were so tiny, happy and shiny, playing tag and getting chased.

Students:

Freak! Slut! Loser! Shortbus!

Lance:

Singing and clapping,

laughing and napping,

baking cookies, eating paste.

Students:

Bull-dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!

Lance:

Then we got bigger.

That was the trigger,

Like the Huns invading Rome -

[Spoken] Sorry!

Welcome to my school,

This ain't no high school:

This is the Thunderdome.

Hold your breath

and count the days,

we're graduating soon.

Students:

White trash!

Lance:

College will be paradise

If I'm not dead by June!

But I know, I know, life can be beautiful.

I pray, I pray for a better way.

If we changed back then,

we could change again.

We can be beautiful...

(A PREPPY STUD knocks a HIPSTER DORK to the floor.)

HIPSTER DORK [Spoken]:

Ow!

Lance:

Just not today.

[Spoken] Hey, are you okay?

HIPSTER DORK:

Get away, nerd.

Students:

Freak! Slut! Cripple! Homo! Homo! Homo!

Lance:

Things will get better

soon as my letter

comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown.

Wake from this coma,

take my diploma,

then I can blow this town.

Dream of my ivy-covered walls

and smoky French cafes...

(Lance jostles Sendak SWEENEY.)

Sendak [Spoken]:

Watch it!

Lance:

Fight the urge to strike a match and send this dump ablaze!

(Sendak upends Lance's lunch tray.)

Sendak:

Ooooops.

Lance [Spoken]:

Sendak Sweeney. Third year as linebacker.

And eighth year of smacking lunch trays and BEING A HUGE DICK.

Sendak:

What did you say to me skank?

Lance:

... Nothing.

Lance & Students:

But I know, I know, I know...

Life can be beautiful.

I pray, I pray, I pray

For a better way.

We were kind before;

we can be kind once more.

We can be beautiful...

(Hunk approaches.)

Lance:

Agh!... Hey Hunk.

Hunk:

Hey.

(Hunk helps Lance pick up him tray.)

Lance:

Hunk Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers.

Hunk:

We on for movie night?

Lance:

Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail.

Hunk:

I rented "The Princess Bride."

Lance:

Again? Don't you have it memorized by now?

Hunk:

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Lotor:

Hunk Dumptruck! Wide load! Honnnnnk!

(Lotor KELLY knocks the tray from Hunk'S hands.)

Lance:

Lotor Kelly. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team.

Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.

(Furious, to Lotor) Hey! Pick that up right now!

Lotor:

I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

Lance:

Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend.

You're a high school has-been waiting to happen. A future gas station attendant.

Lotor:

... You have a zit right there...

Lance & Students:

(Variously)

Dear diary: why....

Why do they hate me?

Why don't I fight back?

Why do I act like such a creep? (Lance: Why....)

Why won't he date me?

Why did I hit him?

Why do I cry myself to sleep? (Lance: Why....)

Somebody hug me!

Somebody fix me!

Somebody save me!

Send me a sign, God!

Give me some hope here!

Something to live for!

(The three Hottie's enter.)

Students:

Ah!... Shiro, Allura, and Pidge!

Lance:

[Spoken.] Then there's the Hottie's. They float above it all.

Students:

(Repeating.) I love Allura, Pidge, and Shiro.

Lance:

Allura. Head cheerleader. Her dad's loaded - he sells engagement rings.

Students:

I hate Allura, Pidge, and Shiro!

Lance:

Pidge. Runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants.

Students:

I want Allura, Pidge, and Shiro!

Lance:

And Shiro. The Almighty.

Students:

I need Allura, Pidge, and Shiro...

Lance:

She is a mythic bitch. They are solid Teflon - never bothered, never harassed.

I would give anything to be like that.

HIPSTER DORK:

I'd like to be their boyfriend.

Students:

That would be beautiful...

STONER CHICK:

If I sat at their table, guys would notice me.

Students:

So beautiful...

Hunk:

I'd like them to be nicer.

Students:

That would be beautiful...

BELEAGUERED GEEK:

I'd like to kidnap a Hottie and photograph him naked in an abandoned warehouse

and leave him tied up for the rats!

(Lance enters the girls' bathroom.

Shiro and MCNAMARA are watching Pidge vomit into a toilet.)

Shiro:

Grow up, Pidge. Bulimia is so '87.

Allura:

Maybe you should see a doctor, Pidge.

Pidge:

Yeah, Allura. Maybe I should.

MS. FLEMING:

Ah, Allura and Shiro.

(Pidge vomits.)

... and Pidge. Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting. You're late for class.

(Lance scribbles on a piece of paper.)

Shiro:

Pidge wasn't feeling well. We're helping her.

MS. FLEMING:

Not without a hall pass you're not. A week's detention.

Lance:

Actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee.

MS. FLEMING:

... I see you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going.

Shiro:

This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?

Lance:

Lance McClain. I crave a boon.

Shiro:

What boon?

Lance:

Let me sit at your table at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary.

If people think you guys tolerate me, they'll leave me alone....

Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips and absence notes.

Pidge:

How about prescriptions?

Shiro:

Shut up, Pidge.

Pidge:

Sorry, Shiro.

(Shiro inspects Lance's face.)

Shiro:

For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure.

Allura:

And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull,

I'd have matching halves. That's very important.

Pidge:

Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.

Shiro:

And ya know, ya know, ya know?

This could be beautiful.

Mascara, maybe some lip gloss,

and we're on our way.

Get this girl some blush;

And Allura, I need your brush.

Let's make him beautiful.

Allura:

Let's make him beautiful...

Pidge:

Let's make him beautiful...

Shiro:

Make him beautiful...

Okay?

Lance:

Okay!

(Another day, another hellish lunch.)

Lotor:

Out of my way geek!

BELEAGUERED GEEK:

I don't want any trouble -

Sendak:

You're gonna die at 3pm!

REPUBLICANETTE & NEW WAVE GIRL:

Don't you dare touch me! Get away, pervert!

BELEAGUERED GEEK:

What'd I ever do to them?

Students:

Who could survive this?

I can't escape this!

I think I'm dying!

MS. FLEMING:

Who's that with Shiro?

(THE Hottie's enter again...)

Students:

Whoa. Allura, Pidge, Shiro...

NEW WAVE GIRL:

And... someone!

Students:

Allura, Pidge, Shiro...

Male:

And a babe!

Students:

Allura, Pidge, Shiro...

Hunk:

Lance?!

Students:

Lance? Lance? Lance?!

(THE Hottie part, revealing a smoking hot Lance who has been given a make-over.)

Lance & Students:

(Variously.) And ya know,

ya know, ya know

life can be beautiful.

You hope, you dream, you pray,

and you get your way!

Ask me how it feels

looking like hell on wheels...

My God, it's beautiful!

I might be beautiful

And when you're beautiful...

It's a beautiful frickin' day!

Students:

Allura! Pidge! Shiro! Lance!

Allura! Pidge! Shiro! Lance!

Students:

Lance! Lance!

Students:

Lance! Lance!